Any stepparents without any BKids

[glitzy]

By Bkids I mean birth kids, but dont know what they are called on here. Just curious really if there are any out there, that dont have any kids of thier "own"

I have a DS but I know there are lots of people on here who don't have kids of their "own".

I was a step parent without kids of my own for most of my marriage to my ex husband and I will admit to it being different.

I think before I had my own child, I didn't really know what was right and wrong with parenting or have any opinions on what would work with discipline etc. Now I have kids of my own, I can see glaring great big gaps in other peoples my partners parenting and it's quite annoying. Not that I am the perfect parent of course!

I've been married for 2.5 years and my DH has an 8yr old DD. I have no children of my own.

It is quite strange as although I got to know DSD when I was dating her dad I'm now suddenly a parent as well as a wife. While it seems that her parents can naturally just cope if she hurts herself for example I actually find it quite hard to know how to comfort her. Her dad can make her laugh and she feels better, her mum can just cuddle her and she'll feel better because it's mummy cuddles but sometimes I just don't know what to do!

We get on great and she told me she loved me for the first time last weekend so I know it's probably all in my head - but I do find it hard to shake the feeling of having to prove myself to her.

Hey glitzy. I'm a step mum but I don't have any children of my own (yet!). My DSD doesn't live with us so I don't really have to 'parent' her, tho if she did I think I'd do a good enough job. Afterall, 'natural' parents don't have a clue when they start out and most kids end up ok! Lol

I think it's pretty common. My DP has 2 girls, I have no children of my own.

Why do you ask?

I think that step parenting is never easy. Not having children of my own takes one set of issues away and replaces them with another.

I suspect (but don't really know) that it's easier to 'love' a partner's children when you don't have your own children.

Im not sure why im asking really. I guess I want to find out how different it is without your own kids. I feel that I lack patience that a BM would have, that would have come with having a baby etc and that having my own kids would help me bond more with the skids.

do you want kids, glitzy?

I have a DD so shouldn't really be replying to your OP! I hope you don't mind. But I had no kids when I got together with DH and I think the biggest one big difference depends on whether or not you want to have a child yourself. For me, I wasn't sure I woudl be able to carry a baby to term; looking at a future with SCs and no child of my own was terribly hard for me and I don't think I would have stayed in the relationship. In my case, the SCs were teens though - so although they had lost their mum, their was no question of me taking over that role, IYSWIM - with younger SCs, maybe it would have been possible for me to meet that yearning for motherhood through my SCs. I love my SCs but they don't see me as a mum, they see me as, I think, a stepmum! I wanted someone to see me as a mum.

Another thing = Most of my 'issues' in my relationship/blended family have had to do with the way my DH parents the SCs. Although I had a lot of experience with children, the fact that I didn't have any of my own meant that DH had an automatic way of discounting my ideas/feelings about discipline, values, whatever - that "you'll feel differently when you're a parent" thing! (I'm happy to say that on most of those things, my views haven't changed much!) I think having a child together has definitely given DH a new perspective on that. I make the major parenting decisions for DD, and DH follows my lead, and I think he respects me in a new way now. He even has admitted to me being right about some things. ;) If I didn't have a child, I think it would have (unfairly perhaps) been more difficult to be seen as a parenting figure to his, or even by his. I think DSD and DSS have a bit more respect for my views now, too.

Do i want kids? what a question... its not really and option, as DH wanted no more kids, and I accepted that.

Of course I dont mind... anyone can reply, all views are important. I havnt had the problem where my DH doesnt value my opinion, as I feel that he does listen as its a different, and often unbaised, if that makes sense.

My problems are more where (for eg) one of the kids want a lift, when they are perfectly capable of catching a bus, and DH will give it to them "because it my kids" kind of thing. I dont have that need to do stuff for them just because they are "kids" etc That kind of thing

When I was growing up I suppose I presumed I would have children. I met my DH who aready had his DD.

My DH didnt particularly want children and even with this knowledge my DH's ex stopped taking the pill. So although he loves DSD, this experience did put him off completely. When we got together I was fine with the fact we wouldnt have children as I would never want them without my partner being keen anyway. We even got to the point of discussing DH 'getting done'!

As time has gone on we've decided that it might be a possibility in the future as I know that he now feels comfortable with the fact that I would never just make the decision on my own and get myself pregnant.

I love my DSD because she is part of my DH, but, it wasn't automatic. I had feelings for her but the love has had to grow over time. I think it might be a bit easier for me because DSD is SO easy-going and very much like her dad so I don't mind doing things for her that a parent would.

I remember when we bought our house together I felt a bit resentful that one room was going to be painted a bit 'girly' for DSD. I remember thinking I don't want one of my rooms painted pink - this is my house! Now, it's so different! I'd happily plaster her room in posters and flowers or anything she wants. For me, 'just doing things because its my kids' kind of thing came over time, it wasn't automatic.

I was step parent to 2 for about 5 years before I had my own child.
The big difference it has made to me, is that I'm much more compassionate about the kids now than I was then.
I get the parent giving them a lift because they're my kids, even though they could get the bus. Because you do more than you need to, because you love them.
But you don't need to do that, and there's nothing wrong in that either - you may find you always feel like that, or you may find over time that you too are happy to go the extra mile.

Hi there, I don't have any bkids but have two SC.... i think i must lack patience of those with their own children. I think as well my upbringing was quite strict so I compare A LOT to the way my mum dealt with me and my siblings. I don't feel any love at all yet for them and I wonder if that will ever happen.

I was a stepmum for 7 years before I had my own children. Yes, things did change when mine came along but I think that was also a result of the DSS being or approaching teenagers, of course they will be dealt with differently.

I think I was probably more patient with them before I had my own because I didn't have anything to gauge against, plus the fact they were less demanding at 3 & 5 than they were at 11 & 13 !

How old are they ?

Ive been a "SM" to them for about 6 years - since they were 13 and 9. How long have you had skids stopthemadness?

I kind of see it that when he does things like the lifts etc for them, I feel like he is babying them, when they should be learning that life isnt all about getting daddy to do it, its about getting out there and doing things on their own (like I had to at their ages). I also only can base things on my childhood, and how I was brought up. If your too lazy to walk to the bus stop, and figure out which bus to catch, then dont go...simple! Not get daddy to do it.

Blue - you sound like you have it sorted perfectly.

I don?t have children of my own, but I?m an ?alternate weekend? step mum to a 17 yr old, and don?t find it very easy. Although I realise my situation is a walk in the park compared to some of scenarios I read about here.

I don?t have any plans to have a child; which is probably fortunate because I think it would be a disaster. God knows what would happen if I were due to have a baby on an access weekend (can you delay labour by holding your breath??????) and it would be very sad to be bringing a new baby home for the first time, and have the occasion spoiled by DSS festering on the settee and rendering the lounge off-limits. Also, any new arrival to the household would have to fit in with DSS?s routines, there would be none of the usual bio-family ?all fitting round each other?, or heaven forbid the older child having to help out a bit because there?s a new baby (which is accepted practice in a together family) - and I?m damned if any child of mine would be a second class citizen to the much-celebrated DSS.

Gosh..far from it - I didn't mean to make out like I had at all! I just feel that it's better than it was - I just had to give it time.

I see what you mean by babying. Maybe your OH feels a little guilty (not in a bad way) about not being there all the time - perhaps he tries to compensate a little by doing things that seem a bit unecessary to you?

As I don't have children I've always tried to remember how my mum handled situations and how my sister treats her boys - I think it will always be different as it doesnt always feel natural.

Gosh..far from it - I didn't mean to make out like I had at all! I just feel that it's better than it was

In the world of step-parenting, (and probably everywhere) when things have been very difficult and then get easier, if only by a little bit, we are grateful for those easier times even if things still are far from 'perfect'.

You are absolutely right Wormy..must be grateful for any progress no matter how small..now let's just hope things improve with her mum!

I am a stepmum and have been for the past 10 years. I have no kids of my own and have never wanted to have children either, so was actually kind of relieved when I met my husband that there were children in the mix already. We actually made a decision to move out of London to be nearer the children, so he could see them more frequently. However, this didnt work out quite as planned as DH's ex is v controlling and used access as a weapon and tried to demand more money etc. The other thing I didnt bank on is that one of the kids left and came to live with us! So for almost two years I have been a fulltime step mum to one teenager, and a part time stepmum to his brother! All this on top of a demanding full time job. I personally have found it quite hard to adjust to - not the parenting thing as that;s ok,but it's not having any time off from it (as he rarely sees his mother and she wont have him overnight) so we cant just go on holiday or away for a weekend without making plans for him to stay with a friend/other relative! That sounds very petty but it has meant our personal/social life and time together has a couple has been impacted quite a lot! However, it's something we both agreed on, as it was untenable for him to continue to live with his mother.
I think it is probably easier to be a stepparent when you have no kids of your own as there's no other complication to the family dynamic. My stepson calls my DH and I his "parents", and that's fine by me!

My DP has 2 children, DSD-13yrs and DSS-9yrs, I don't have any bio children and have no plans tto have any.

My problem is that I'm a nanny and really struggle not to slip into 'nanny mode' with them, even after 4yrs I'm still struggling to find my place in our family, its not helped that until recently their mother has refuused to allow them to stay with us so my contact with them has been limited

Hi

I have no DCs of my own. My DH has three and has had the snip before we met. He doesn't want any more.

How have I found step-parenting as a complete non mummy? Is this what you want to know Glitzy?

Well..

I hate people using "my things". I am anally retentive tidy, can't bear noise, mess or funny smells. I have Farrow and Ball walls. I cannot accept eating crap food, bad manners or fizzy drinks. I hate primary colours and cars that look like the team bus, BB and TV generally. I would live on sushi. I love art, plays, poetry and culture and I drink like a fish and swear like a roadie. I would rather eat my own hair than go to "centerparcs" and "ungrateful git" does not exist in my world and I cannot just "go with the flow".

However, I love cuddles, questions, respect, laughing (normally at myself), the wonder of totally cheesy music, singing and dressing up, zumba, singstar and just dance, baking cakes and seeing them disappear in seconds, rubbing grubby faces. Being told that you are really great at "stuff" and clever and have nice hair also that you are "quite thin with ok boobs" and have nice clothes. Finding out what text speak means. Rollercoasters. Ogling the hotties in Hollister and falling over in the dark there. Being asked your opinion about periods/rugby/the offside rule/Justin Beiber/whether Luke from 9QS will go out with me/will I get a valentine? Being told that your Royal Ascot outfit is "easyjet orange". Having your hand held when you are out and the look of wonder at you when the plane takes off. Being a SMILF.

So, we muddle along!! It's the hardest thing I have ever done though and has brought perspective to my shallow life.

Was I tempted to have kids of my own with my DH? Putting aside the difficulties (we are both in our 40's and would mean reverse snip for him), in a word, no. But it took some thinking and some brutal honesty.

Maybe it would have "brought us closer" or made me a "better person" and given my life "meaning" to be a mummy. I am not sure that we needed that cement to our relationship and I am damn near effing perfect without my own kids thank you very much .

My DH didnt want any more kids and we honestly had to lay all the cards on the table about our feelings before we made any sort of commitment and I have to say, a lot of this comes with maturity!

Good luck. If it feels right, I think it probably is right.

taxiforme - good post - sums it all up.

Sometimes I dread them being here and when the arrive full of smiles and hugs and excitement I realise what a selfish old git I am. Being a stepparent is the hardest thing I've ever done but I know my life is richer for having DPs girls in it.

Hi glitzy, have had SCs for just over 2 years. So not very long I suppose... I feel we make progress and then there is another setback and that is why I have said in previous posts about hiding away from them. Especially the dss.... he decides that some days he will make our lives a misery, say nasty things and generally make his dad feel guilty and miserable. As for the babying by their Dad.... yes it is frustrating and drivings me crazy sometimes. My advice is mostly ignored am sure because I don't have my own children - but it doesn't mean I am clueless about discipline, teaching them about real life, making sure they are safe etc.

Hi Glitzy.
I've been a stepmum to my DSS for just over two years now, no children of our own yet. In the beginning I took to being a stepmum with mixed feelings, keen to get involved (once I was allowed to meet my DSS) but struggling with the whole discipline side of it. I had a very different upbringing to my DH and so I have different values at times and have found it hard seeing DH being too soft on his son - mainly down to the fact he doesn't like being strict when he only sees him a couple of times a week, which I understand. I've had to remind him that he is his Dad and not his best friend and that he needs to draw the line sometimes and put his foot down. I felt like a lot of my opinions/ideas were seen as being too strict and felt very much of an outsider - being the one without kids of my own.

DSS's mum is very controlling, to the point where DSS is so unbelievably clingy (he is 4) - she does EVERYTHING for him so he struggles to play on his own without begging you to play with him. Gets funny about tidying up toys and is always asking for help etc. When you play with him he basically wants you to do the playing for him. It's like he is always looking for the opportunity to have someone else do the hard stuff for him as that's what happens at home. He even follows DH to the bathroom and stands outside the door rather than play by himself.

It is tough to be the one who tends to see this stuff more than the DH does. Half the time I feel like a stepnazi not a stepmum. I have had to try and make myself not get too wound up about things, but there are times I have to hold my tongue and leave the room instead of explode.

Often my DSS is wary around me because he knows I am the one who seems to catch him being naughty more than Daddy does. I have started to be more involved with things like naughty step (as before it was always DH who did that) and it has helped him listen to me a bit more if I have told him not to do something. I also get involved with the positive stuff like stickers for reward chart etc.

Recently I have been doing a lot of soul searching about whether or not I want to have children of my own. I struggle with the overnight stays, I have had insomnia for about 15 years and it is much worse whenever the DSS stays over. To begin with I was always hyperaware of him sleeping, every tiny noise he made would keep me awake. Now I am just expecting him to wake up all the time and dread mornings when he comes to say it's time to get up. We have one of those sleep training clocks but DH refuses to set it any later than 7am thinking it will somehow cause DSS harm to have to stay in bed any longer. DSS usually wakes up around 6:30am and understands he has to stay in bed till it's morning time on his clock (when the sun comes out on it) so I just don't see why he can't be like other children and gradually bump the morning time later and later till it's a bit more of a sociable hour. We usually get up at about 6am in the week so would be nice to sleep a little later at weekends!

Mornings are always dealt with by DH, he gets up and does the breakfast stuff and all that to try and let me get some sleep - so I put the earplugs in and sleep for a couple of hours before I get involved.

Things like that are making me wonder if I could cope with having a child of our own, the lack of sleep and also the arrangments with DSS - not sure how things would go with how clingy DSS is with DH especially if another kid came along!

My mother said I shouldn't base my thoughts on having children based on my experiences with DSS. That it is hard trying to be involved with a child who isn't your own who is being brought up in a way different to how you might bring up your own. DH has recently begun to understand that it's not a walk in the park being a stepmum (he has one of his own too).

While I do love my DSS, there are a lot of times when I feel like I don't like him - more in a don't like what he does kind of way, mainly I suppose down to how he acts because of how his Mum lets him get away with pretty much everything. To me at times I see a very spoilt little boy and a Daddy who feels guilty at not being able to see his son every day and trying to overcompensate by giving in to his every demand. At the moment because of how I am feeling about having kids of my own I feel very distant towards my DSS - I don't know if anyone else has ever felt like this?

At the moment our financial situation means having kids is a no go for at least another couple of years, DH pays his ex almost half his salary at the moment and so we cannot afford a bigger house with a spare room for DSS to sleep in, let alone a baby. (We live in a one bedroom place.)

There are times I would like to have a child of our own, to feel that sense of being a proper family. When he talks of how brilliant it was becoming a father, all the highs and lows of the pregnancy with DSS etc, I want to have all of that with him too. I dislike being out and about and people assuming I am DSS's mum and it leading to awkward situations/conversations. DSS is too young at the moment to understand the concept of stepmum's and we haven't used that word with him yet. DH and I got married last year and feel like we wont use that word around him for a while yet.

And at the same time we both feel like we are loathe to sacrifice the kind of time we get together as a couple, that would go if we were parents!

Sorry for the uber post, not posted here in a while and kind of venting a little!

I am stepmum to DSS who lives with us but don't yet have any DCs of my own. I am pregnant though (still early days) so I will soon have the 'benefit' of seeing it from both sides.

DSS will be 8 when the baby arrives, I'm not really sure how it will change how I feel about being a stepmum I'm more concerned with how he will deal with suddenly not being an only child any more and someone calling me Mummy instead of Ladygagoo. I think having a baby will make it even harder for me to imagine how a mother could walk out on her child (in DSS's case).
I have been a sort of daddy's girlfriend type of stepmum and then a live-in one and recently am now a stay-at-home stepmum for DSS. It took a while to adjust to this role in particular. I suppose its just a bit peculiar to be a full time parent to a child who still has a mummy.
I think I will enjoy having a baby and knowing it from day one, but I have never felt I couldn't comfort DSS, in all honesty I think I know him better than his mum. He is a fantastic child and we have a really special relationship.
More than anything, I think by having a child together, my relationship with both DP and DSS will be cemented. We're not married (yet) but we will one day. In my mind having a child together is more of a commitment than marriage but more than that, deciding to be together with DSS in the mix was a far larger commitment again.