I would love some advice from all of you about my ex husbands partner

[Becky36]

Some very brief history first. I split up with my ex husband around five years ago. We have a seven year old son together and we get on well for the sake of our son.

My ex met his partner four years ago and she has only spoken to me twice during this time. My son really likes her and I thought that she liked him. I kind of realise that she has some sort of problem with me but this has never been an issue as I only care about my son's happiness.

I never phone my ex husband or bother them with anything. He pays maintenance regularly and has our son on a Wednesday evening from school until around seven o'clock in the evening and on a Friday night until around 3.00pm on Saturday. Sometimes the weekend night changes due to my ex's shift patterns but again, this is not a problem.

So last night I bumped into a mutual friend of me and my exh. This person told me that my ex's partner thinks that my ex sees our son too much and she would like every other weekend off having him there. My ex also has a 14 year old from a previous relationship and sees him at the same time he sees our son.

Does anyone think that the contact my ex has with our son is too much? I really don't know what to think to be honest. I thought that one overnight a week and then a midweek tea at his dad's was ok but obviously she is unhappy with the current situation.

The person who told me this is a nice person and not trying to cause trouble. I have known this person since I was at primary school and they are also a friend of my ex husband.

Of course it's not too much!! Your son sees his Dad for a couple of hours mid week and one night at the weekend, it's not much at all.

I wonder if all weekend, but every other weekend would work better for them?

However, I wouldn't be giving it another thought if this set up suits you, until they manned up enough to actually speak to you instead of whittering on to others!

One wonders what on earth her problem with you is though.

O dont think its too much at all.Is shell a mumie.herself .

Is shell a mum. (sorry bloomin phone )

I know my DP would hate not to see his kids every weekend for at least one night and day as well as the midweek contact (we currently do 3 nights one week, 4 nights the next). I know it's much more common for people to have full weekends every other weekend, but it wouldn't work for DP and the kids.

As a stepmum without children myself it, would be nice to have the occasional weekend to ourselves so that we could visit friends or go away for a full weekend without having to get back to either drop the kids off or pick them up. But I'm in a relationship with a man with children and it's very important to all of them to have regular contact. Much more important than my social life (which we cn always fit in, it just takes some juggling).

I think that if your ex or his gf had a serious issue they would have raised it with you themselves. However well meaning your friend is I don't think she's doing any of you any favours by telling you this. You could raise it with your ex, but how do you tell him that his friend is telling tales?

Thank you for responding. We can't do every other weekend as my exh works shifts and his partner doesn't want our son to be there if his dad is at work during part of the time that he is there. I don't expect her to babysit and I don't see either of them as babysitters.

She has never spoken to me voluntarily. Once I took our son out to the car and I said hello to her and she said hello back and the other time I saw her with my ex in Asda and she said hello but nothing else. I find it odd too. I was quite friendly with my ex's first wife and we still chat when we see each other now. I don't mind her not talking to me as it isn't absolutely necessary but if there are issues then I would like it if they could talk to me about it, rather than other people.

It would be up to her to discuss it with your ex and for him to approach it with you before you change anything, and no that is not too much time to spend with him.

No I don't think it's too much how can you have too much time with your child??

It is certainly not too much contact, and presumably if your ex hasn't told you he wants to change it then he doesn't think so either.

I guess your ex's partner just wants child-free weekends, but really she's going to have to accept that her partner is a dad to two kids or she's going to have to find a different partner.

Don't worry about it.

Don't read too much into it either.

If she isn't a parent herself of course it will be hard for her. It's hard for most people who have partners with children. She probably just wants some weekends that are childfree so her and her partner can do all the things that she thinks they can't do with the children. It doesn't make her horrible either, unless she actually starts dictating that your ex sees his boys less.

Def not too much. Does the arrangement vary in the holidays OP? I wonder if you could very occasionally (say once in 3 months, or once in 6 months) each have the DS for a full weekend, so you each get a full weekend to go away or whatever?

If she has no children of her own, I think she might just be resentful at never having an adult only weekend and sees other children who have separated parents having this regularly. Not that that is a reasonable request for her to make, or that it should be her decision, but an occasional weekend might relieve the resentment...

He hasn't said anything about it being too much. I was thinking that maybe I should just ask him if he wanted to have a weekend off once a month. I don't think that it's unreasonable for her to want some weekends off.

I will say though that our son goes to stay with my mother every summer for five week and two weeks at Easter. She lives abroad. My ex is happy for our son to do this as he thinks that it is better that him being looked after by a childminder while I work full time. Apparently my ex's partner was not happy about this either.

The problem is that if she won't talk to me and if my ex seems happy with the arrangements as they are then I can't do anything to put it right.

Sorry, she does have two teenage children herself. One that lives with her and my ex.

Your ex hasn't said anything, so there's no problem here. If she's unhappy with her stepmum duties, that's her problem. Nice of your friend to keep you informed, but ignore this unless your ex brings it up. And if he does, deal with it as a request from him, not her. If she's nice to your boy and your ex is happy with the contact arrangements, then all's well enough.

there is a lot of "apparently my exs partner" going on.

I know you think your friend is just being nice but she is telling tales that she must realise can do nothing but harm.

You and your ex are happy with the agreement as it is, If he hasn't mentioned that he wants less time with your son then you must assume that he doesn't.

your friend is shit stirring whether she thinks so or not. Ignore her malicious gossip and carry on having the amicable happy relationship that you currently have

Valar - yes you are probably right. I just don't like bad feeling and I wouldn't ever want anyone to resent my son. My ex is not brilliant at talking about things and I just want to sort it out without dropping my friend in it.

I would love a weekend off dsd but as a step mum its not my choice...we get along brilliantly (dsd and me and her mum) .
Its one of those things that its bad enough not seeing your kids every day as you once did.
I would say that unless your ex tells you anything then not to worry.
but if you are happy for them not to have dc then you could always just say, 'if you ever want a weekend just to yourselves you only have to ask'.
then they can take you up on iy to have a weekend to themselves.
but i wouldn't worry about it.
and fwiw you sound lovely, its a shame she can't see the benefits of having a good relationship with you. I know it helps me having a good relationship with dsd's mum

Toomuch, thank you. Because my ex's first wife and I had a good relationship we used to talk about what was happening with their son and when and I obviously looked after him a lot and saw her a lot. It was never an issue for me. I met my ex when his other son was two and I had no children myself. I wanted her to feel comfortable knowing who was looking after her son and for this reason we made sure that it was as amicable as possible.

From the start my ex's girlfriend wanted nothing to do with me, and that's fine too by the way, but when issues do arise from time to time (as they do!!) then it is very difficult because there is no way to resolve it as she won't talk to me.

If your ex hasn't brought it up with you I would conclude that either his partner is just having a moan to her friend, and hasn't actually asked to change anything, or she's asked your ex and he's said no, he's happy with things as they are. So either way, it's not up to you to initiate changing anything (unless you want to yourself). One night a week and one midweek tea is not a lot (for comparison, my DCs go 4 nights a fortnight to their dad, and my DP has his DCs for the whole of every weekend).

I think making it clear to your ex that he can always have the odd weekend without DS would be nice thing to do, and maybe there would be the odd weekend when he could have him the whole weekend (if it fitted with his shifts) so you could have a whole weekend off too once in a while.

I don't resent the amount of time my DP has his DCs, though do really value that he can ask for it to be varied on the odd ocassion and these are usually OK with his ex - it means a lot to me to get the ocassional weekend or even just one day with just me and DP.

I, like you, have ocassionally heard via mutual friends that my ex's DW doesn't much like having my DCs around. It's not really a very helpful thing to share with me to be honest, as unless they are really getting a hard time from her (which they aren't) then there's nothing I can do about it. Would advise other SMs not to moan to mutual friends about not liking the DCs being around - if it gets back to you it just makes you worry and feel sad. Better to talk to their OHs instead - or use MN instead to moan :)

The 'contact' has always been flexible, due to my ex's shift patterns. For the first couple of years he had him on a Sunday from 1pm until Monday morning when he dropped him back with me to take him to the childminder. Then it was every other Sunday and on the alternate weeks Friday, again due to his shift pattern and then he said he couldn't do Sundays at all anymore, due to work and it changed to Fridays.

He has had our son for a full weekend twice since we split up. When they want to go away for a weekend my ex just tells me and it's fine.

I am trying to be as flexible as I can but this whole thing has made me really sad.

Its nice of you not to kick up a stink about her not talking to you. In my mind as long as the kids are happy that's all that matters. we have dsd for tea on Monday until 8 then overnight in Wednesday and Friday until Saturday night. dp would still want to see her more

Becky - I don't have any interaction with my exH fiancée either - we've met very briefly once, soon after she was introduced to DD, and I have exchanged not a word with her since.

DD spends 50% of her time with her dad and stepmum - I know that exH has been away overnight leaving DD in stepmums care and stepmum now does DD's school run every morning when she's with them so exH can pick DD up after school rather than her come to me.

I would love to have a more open relationship with her - be able to pick up the phone and chat, but exH has made it clear that it is not going to happen I don't have any way of contacting her (no email, phone etc) other than their landline number.

In your position, I would be cautious, but not do anything - keep the information in mind, so that if something comes up that might be linked, you can raise it with exH in context - but at the moment, it's just gossip

The thing is that I have been where she is now. I understand totally about needing time as a couple without kids being there. I have done it too so I absolutely get where she is coming from. I think what bothers me about the situation is that she won't discuss it with me. This is not the first time that I have heard from other people (we live in a small gossipy town) that she is unhappy with how things have been and are at the moment.

I am not saying on any level that she is a bad person but I am just trying to understand why she would say these things to other people. I just suppose that I am of the view that if you are involved with a man with young children then you have to accept that there is not going to be the same amount of freedom that you get if you are with someone with no children. It's hard, I know that.

As a mother it is normal to feel protective of your child and that is why I wanted opinions from step mums rather than posting on the lone parents board, to get a more balanced response. I realise that it is a bit unrealistic but I genuinely thought that if I was respectful of their relationship (not demanding or intruding into their lives) then it would be better for all of us.

I can understand both sides, I heard that my ds's dad's gf didn't want him to see our son at all! I was so furious that she would try and come between my son and his dad.
But my DP has 2 kids and sometimes I just wish we could have a weekend off, but I have never said this to him or anyone, and I wouldn't.

Why don't you speak to your ex and either tell him what you have been told (he might not even know) Or you could just say that you understand that from time to time they might need a bit of time to themselves as a couple and if they ever want to go away for a weekend then that's not a problem, you'd understand.

Some really good posts on here for you Becky. I can understand your sadness but one thing that sticks out to me is that there really is no issue unless your EXH raises one with you.

The other issue is that your EXH and his partner have someone in their lives who is sharing information with other people that your EXH and his partner think is confidential. When they catch on to that it will only damage your relationship with them so I would take what your friends says with a pinch of salt because if your mutual friend is happy to pass information to you then I am sure they will be feeding it back the other way too.

It sounds like everything was going fine, try not to worry about inappropriate interference from 'outsiders' even if they do consider themselves friends.

I'm a Stepmum and would love my DH's EXW to be as open and friendly as you appear.

Don't fret.

You can only act on what your DH tells you, really. Either it is true, in which case he has decided to put his child first, and she can accept that or she can leave, or it is a lie/exaggeration and you need not worry about it.

We all have a moan sometimes, I can imagine myself at some points over the past 8+ years saying to a mate in a pub, 'God I just want one adult weekend, it's all a bit much'...but I wouldn't expect the mate to scuttle off and tell the mother of the child. I hate tattle-tellers, even 'nice' ones.