I would love some advice from all of you about my ex husbands partner

[Becky36]

Some very brief history first. I split up with my ex husband around five years ago. We have a seven year old son together and we get on well for the sake of our son.

My ex met his partner four years ago and she has only spoken to me twice during this time. My son really likes her and I thought that she liked him. I kind of realise that she has some sort of problem with me but this has never been an issue as I only care about my son's happiness.

I never phone my ex husband or bother them with anything. He pays maintenance regularly and has our son on a Wednesday evening from school until around seven o'clock in the evening and on a Friday night until around 3.00pm on Saturday. Sometimes the weekend night changes due to my ex's shift patterns but again, this is not a problem.

So last night I bumped into a mutual friend of me and my exh. This person told me that my ex's partner thinks that my ex sees our son too much and she would like every other weekend off having him there. My ex also has a 14 year old from a previous relationship and sees him at the same time he sees our son.

Does anyone think that the contact my ex has with our son is too much? I really don't know what to think to be honest. I thought that one overnight a week and then a midweek tea at his dad's was ok but obviously she is unhappy with the current situation.

The person who told me this is a nice person and not trying to cause trouble. I have known this person since I was at primary school and they are also a friend of my ex husband.

Thank you to all of you for your advice. I have had time over the weekend to think about it and you are all right. Unless my ex says something then I won't mention it and I certainly won't tell him what this friend has told me as it will only cause trouble.

I think that the best way forward would be to give it a couple of weeks and then ask if he/they would like to have a weekend off from time to time that we can schedule in. And maybe from time to time they could have our son for a weekend so I get a full weekend to go away or whatever. I will talk to him about it.

I wouldn't want the issue of contact to cause any trouble between the two of them because the stability of their relationship is good for my son.

I think you should just keep calm and carry on! She may have just been sounding off and letting off steam. Of course that's not too much contact time - in my opinion it's not enough!

Personally I refer having DSd for a whole weekend then a whole weekend off as that is when My DD is here and it means that DP and I ccan go away for weekends. When you have a child there for half of every weekend those things can't really happen. But my DSD doesn't like to go a whole weekend without seeing her Mum so there is no flexibility there. Maybe you could casually suggest that if ever they wanted to go away for the weekend, you could alternate one weekend on, one weekend off? But if you don't speak then that could be tricky to do casually.

Best stick to the advice of ignoring I think.

And no matter how good the friend, never beleive anything you haven't seen with your own eyes or heard with your own ears... much better for your sanity

Also, could your ex have told her that you are a raving looney (or similar?) I suspect that my ex told his new wife this for some time as she used to give me the weirdest looks. In the end I bit the bullet and hung around for a bit when i picked my DD up from their house and my ex wasn't there. I chatted to SM for a while and when i left she said she had to confess she didn't think she'd get on with me.

We both had a giggle and it's been somewhere between "civil" and "friendship" ever since

ERUP - Yes he probably has told her I'm a looney. I ended the marriage and he didn't want to split up and made things very unpleasant for a long time. When they first met he lied about her age (?) and where she lived, even though I wouldn't have even thought about going round there. My and my ex were quite friendly around the time that they met and he used to see our son two to three times a week, have him when he was ill (he had the week off work when our son had chicken pox for example).

Obviously (and I do understand this) the amount he sees our son has tapered off to what it is now. Contact is not 'fixed' as such and sometimes I get very little notice that he won't be able to have him after all. So it's not like I am making him have contact come what may or to fit in with me. It's very much fitting in around my ex's shifts and other plans that he/they may have.