Can't decide whether to raise this or not

[zest01]

Ok, bit of background. I am both a resident parent and a step mum. As a step mum, one of the challenges has been/is my DH's acrimonious relationship with his ex. I won't go into that here but one of the problems is that my sk's are not allowed to bring anything from Mum's here or anything from here to Mum's. This means they have to have a full set of clothing and toys here, and now they are older, 2 phones, 2 handheld consoles, 2 sets of games...etc

So, for my DC with my ex I don't want this to be the case so have always allowed them to take stuff to their Dad's. If he goes on hol I tell him to email a list of what they need, eg hoodies, jeans etc so I can send them. He will sometimes ask for wellies if they are going somewhere muddy...etc and I am happy for this to happen.

However I am becoming increasingly frustrated with the one sidedness of this. He has much more disposable income than I do and has bought DC branded trainers etc and things i cannot afford but won't let them bring them home. He then gets them to wear my stuff on the beach, in the park etc as it's "cheaper" so doesn't matter if it gets wrecked but to me it does because I can't keep replacing stuff.

I always assumed that when they get phones and things (too young atm but getting there) we would split the cost and share between the homes but am now thinking this won't happen. He has bought them DS cosole each and said they cannot bring it here in case it gets broken - DC are now asking me to get them one here as well and I feel it's a waste of money having 2.

I don't want to stop them taking stuff from here there as I do think it's pathetic but what do I do? Shall I say something? I am thinking he will say as he pays maitenence he should have access to the stuff here but I don't contribute to his household so cannot have that returned. He may not, but I just think it's a bit odd that thye have all this stuff there for once a fortnight and I am really up against it here to get the branded things they are asking for.

If he got the trainers and I got the tracksuit top for example surely that would be better.

So honest thoughts please, I can take it!

I think it is bonkers to have 2 of everything. My ex and I send stuff back and forwards all the time. (but as a rule I buy all the clothes as I am the RP and he pays me child support) Stuff he buys are 'extras' but we dont stop the children moving things around.

My DP's son has pretty much X2 of everything in terms of clothes, but he spends half his time in each house and this is more to prevent himbeing in one house and all his stuff in the other.

Why dont you have a chat with him, it isnt good for your children to think that they cant move THEIR possessions around

Eugh - this is an ongoing saga in my life!

DP's exW was adamant that the DSC would never leave anything at their dads house; it is the only issue she has caused a public scene about in front of the DSC.

DSD used to bring a suitcase for the weekend, it got riduculous - riding gear, numerous changes, nightwear, the works. At one point, DP even discovered her packing soiled underwear (after a period accident); she was sobbing that she couldn't leave it to be washed because her mum would be cross.
With DSS, the issue was the size of the clothing he was provided with - he was clearly uncomfortable, and DP (who is fastidious when it comes to appearance) was embarrassed to send DSS to school in clothes that were clearly too small.

So, DSS has a totally different wardrobe here. He even has a school uniform and school shoes that he only wears one day every two weeks. Bonkers, but that's the way it is.

With DD - I receive child support from her Dad, so provide her with anything she needs at both homes - it is easier to provide two pairs of trainers/wellies etc as she is 50:50, and I don't want her carting everything to and fro (she swaps houses through school). Anything she has here that she wants to take to her Dads she can do - every few weeks, I check her wardrobe with her and ask her to bring back some socks/tights or whatever she is short of before I buy more.
If exH chooses to buy DD other things (ipod, smartphone, clothes etc), then he is perfectly entitled (imo) to decide whether or not DD brings them here. I am also entitled to limit/prevent the use of items in my home that he buys for DD if I do not consider them suitable/age appropriate despite his insistance.

If/when you find a solution, can you let me know ?

Really interested to hear everyone's views on this.
My DP's 4 kids come to us every other weekend, and never have sufficient or appropriate clothes (e.g. DSD turned up in a summer dress and sandals in November) - they don't have wellies or outdoor clothing to go out and play football/walk the dogs/general HEALTHY outdoor activities (as their mother just sticks them in front of the x box 24/7 so seems not to realise the need for outdoor clothing). But as my DP and I are on very low income ourselves, and he already pays her massive amounts of maitainance and she is on every benefit going so actually, even taking the kids into consideration, "earns" massivley more than we do, I don't see why we should have to fork out more of our money to buy clothes for the kids... the clothes they got for christmas from DP's family stay HERE with us as far as I'm concerned, so at least I know they can be properly clothed whern they come here, regardless of what The Ex sends them over with... this is not me having an issues with the kids, more their mother, but if we sent them home with everything, chances are, they'd have nothing to wear when they come here...

My dsd's are here half the time. They have clothes in both homes but just one lot of school uniform/shoes/coats which go backwards and forwards and that works OK. Clothes often end up in the "wrong" house but then end up in the "right" one again soon after. My dd has problems with her ex re rthis as he won't send their girls back to her house in anything that is "his" to the extent that they go back in the same knickers rather than a clean pair! pathetic really and as they get older they won't accept this.

DSD's have Dsi's at their mums that mostly stay there but they may bring them here if we are going away for a few days and they might want them for in the car. Their mum has just bought them i-pods and they have wanted to bring them here but it is a bit of a problem as they then had to take them to school this morning so they end up back at their mums tonight. I think she was going to call in at the school to pick them up this morning.

DH wouldn't get them another one for here - it's just a waste of money. They don't have phones yet but with phones it seems even more daft. Are their freinds supposed to remember which phone to ring/text depending on where they are that day?

It seems as though your ex is looking at these things as being his rather than the childrens which is a shame. If it's possible they should be able to have their things wherever they are as they are "their things!" I would think as they get older this will be the case more and more as they will just bring stuff without asking if it's OK.

My step DGDs parents argue about this all the time (if it wasnt for me being the step GM l would have banged their heads together long ago and told them to sort it out). My DH takes his sons exws side a lot of the time because he prefers her to his current d-i-l interestingly but what usually happens is my DH ends up buying her new shoes or coat when she comes here while those two are busy bickering about who should buy it, whose house it shoud be kept at etc all my DH can see is DGD in tatty old coat or shoes which barely still fit her. Annoys me because its like they are benefitting at expense of my household footing the bill - from being bloody awkward. l would rather my DH was buying her the odd treat - not essential clothes under these circumstances (if they couldnt afford them genuinely rather than couldnt agree l wouldnt mind)

Suda is that you ?

Sorry for the hijack

OP- DBDs things don't belong to a house in particular with us- they move freely between the homes.

Wow, I never realised so many had two sets of everything! Here we buy everything for DSS, he takes what he needs to mum's. He has basics like pyjamas there but no clothes really that I know of. He of course has lots of toys there and here but stuff can move if he wishes, although it only ever really comes home. I think he isn't there enough to be bothered what he takes. He takes his special teddy.

Both homes have luddite tendencies so find it hard to imagine a games console appearing at either, let alone both!

I should perhaps explain further, when I say he isn't there enough to be bothered, is not reference to amount he sees mum but because many holidays he goes to stay at GPs with mum, so he is often not going to his 2nd home more like 'going away with mum'. He has toys at GPs too. He is too young to care about clothes really, as long as he has some!

hmm, it's a tough one for many I guess, not just me.

My feeling has always been that stuff should be able to move with the child within reason, ie the kids need to ensure they have basics such as pants and socks at both and of course stuff they NEED should stay where it's needed. I know my sk's hate that their Mum won't let them bring stuff from there here and won't allow stuff from here in her house and I my ex and I always kind of agreed we didn't want to be like that.

This situation is a fairly recent development and I don't really know what's triggered it. I could understand it if stuff had come here fro there never to be seen again, or had got lost/broken/damaged but that's not the case.

I didn't really know it until DC asked for games consoles and I said they already had them and they then said Daddy had said they weren'y allowed to bring them here. They then told me about having to change their trainers in the car from Daddy's back into Mummy's...etc and I was pretty shocked.

I guess I am going to have to speak to ex about it but I feel pretty sad that it's come to this - surely it should be up to them what they choose to take between houses? They've taken stuff from here to there before and having seen what my Dsk's go through I just don't want it for them.

It's interesting to see what others do/think - not looking forward to having the conversation I must admit!

I've been a stepmum twice. My ex's children had complete sets of clothes and toys at each house. A very few things were transferred between houses like the phones we bought them and the cameras she bought them. It annoyed my ex no end that he paid nearly £1000 a month child support to her but we had to buy an entire set of new clothes that they didn't get a great deal of chance to wear. On the other hand they had previously turned up in clothes that were several sizes too small and really scruffy and it did save them from carrying lots of things back and forth.

Currently, my partner's son (who is only 9) has lovely clothes which he brings from his mothers but unfortunately is left to pack himself. Sometimes there are no underpants or he arrives for a week with only one jumper in the middle of winter. Therefore we keep a small emergency supply of clothes here in case. It used to be the case that any toys he had could transfer freely but it was always one way and he always ended up at ours without any toys. Now the things we buy stay here. This doesn't always feel very comfortable as like you we feel they should be his things for him to take where he likes. On the other hand he is too young to think far enough ahead that he might want something to play with when he comes back here and we got sick of buying spoiling him with new things everytime he came. I also think having some things here makes him feel more like this is a home too.

Perhaps when you talk to your ex explain why you feel as you do and that you don't like them to think they can't move their things where they like and explain your experience with your stepkids. However, you could try to get him on board with the idea by suggesting you try it out with only one item first so he can get comfortable with the idea that it will go back to his house safely. You could promise that you will take responsiblity for ensuring it does go back and say you will replace it if it gets broken. Ideally you could agree with him that you both support the children to take responsibility for looking after their stuff themselves (whilst agreeing to remind them to look after it and return it!) but that might take a greater degree of trust.

Another Stepmum here - DSS's Mum has MH issues so none of his things can come here (done by handing him over in his nappy many years ago and then taking all the clothes we put him in off, putting them in a carrier bag, and then putting them back on him to come for contact) including his glasses. We have a complete set of everything. Funny though, he can take stuff from here home and she's fine about using it. In fact a number of times his glasses have been broken and she has demanded the pair from here, despite the fact that she gets them free and we have to pay for them! She also has a neat trick when she wants a pair of new trainers for him - she takes the ones he goes back in, hides them, and sends him in a pair that are way to small so we have to buy new ones!

But DSS isn't daft, he can see who lets him take his own stuff between houses - so his DS thing goes back and forth, but his I-Pod can't.

I am shocked that we are not the only ones that have to go through this nonsense. I very nearly posted about our situation a while back but it seemed too ridiculous to post!!!
Step children are not allowed anything to be shared between their mums house and our house. They arrive in cheap nasty clothes with a bag containing a set of clothes to wear home. In between arriving and leaving they wear 'our clothes' and have to return in 'Mummys clothes'. Same with toys, they have 2 of everything. If we buy them a toy, she will go and buy the very same toy to have at her house. often bought and ready for them when they return home. They can't even swap football cards with my boys because she checks what stuff is at hers and won't let it leave her house. It is absolutely stark raving bonkers. She actually searches them when they leave to make sure they haven't smuggled any contraband lego out of the house!!
My kids have one of everything and it gets moved between mine and their dads all the time - he will wash their clothes and either give them back to me or keep them until their next visit.

We have 50/50 and it is easier for us if each house maintains a set of home clothes, it solved the problem of DSS always having stuff that was waaaay to small. We don't have any of the faffing about though, we return a set of uniform at the end of the weekend, and he wears his school shoes over, and she returns the home stuff the next week. She's a bit chaotic, so I have to keep one eye on the ball to make sure stuff doesn't get lost in-the-black-hole-of-her-house.
My 3 only see their dad for 7h on a sat, but even then he's managed to lose dd2's nursery backpack with a set of clothes, and I cannot afford for an outfit to be lost twice a month. She's nearly 4, but needs the security of spare clothes for-after-she's-been-fed-daft-amounts-of-froot-shoot

We have DSS twice a week, overnight every other weekend. We have a small selection of spare clothes here as he always has a bag of spare clothes with him anyway. He has a load of toys here, but as a rule generally they are Daddy's House toys - otherwise if he took them all back home with him we'd have none left for him to play with next time!

I've had friends who had two lots of everything with their separate homes. I think if you have a 50/50 split then yeah, having clothes etc at both homes is fine, but not things like games consoles. Ultimately their belongings are theirs and if they wish to take them to whichever house they are going to - so be it. We often get toys brought round from Mummy's house that he wants to play with that day, and some of his Christmas and birthday presents he gets here often get taken to Mummy's and stay there. Not bothered in the least. As long as we have our stock set of toys here for him like the lego and his cars and train set, all fine.

I think people (exes mainly) just can get very petty about things and you just need to stand your ground and explain that if they already have something at their resident home, then they can just bring it over to yours and vice versa.

Woozle that's all fine in theory, but what if it's all bringing it over and never getting it back?

Well depends what is being taken away and never coming back. For us, we have a small one bedroom house, so DSS doesn't have a room of his own to keep things in like toys, so we are limited in space. If the family give him a large toy as a present, we're usually totally fine with it going back to Mummy's house and it not making an appearance again here. As long as it's being played with and enjoyed, who cares whose house it's at?

Some things we try and ensure are kept here mainly as they are the big boxed up type stalwart toys like Lego, so he's always got something like that to play with here (he is 4). If he ever brings things from Mummy's I will always make sure it goes back with him, just in case. There have been times when he's forgotten something and left it at ours and within moments the ex has been calling or texting to say that DSS 'needs' it immediately and we have to drop whatever we are doing in order to drop said item back off (see what I mean about exes being petty at times! Luckily we only live 5 mins round the corner so no big deal) If DSS asks if he can take something back to Mummy's it's usually fine. Like I say, it depends on what it is. Sometimes he just wants to show Mummy what he has got and then asks Daddy to take it back to our house after taking him home.

Not sure how that will pan out in the future though once he gets into computers and things! There have been times when he asks why we dont have something at our house which he has at Mummy's house and then tells us to buy it so he can use it. We just explain to him that we cannot afford to buy him everything he wants and that if he has whatever it is at home he can always use it there when he gets back home, or bring it to Daddy's next time (again dependant on what it is - cant have him carting Mummy's piano over to ours!)

woozle - if mums house is home, and the DC's visit dads house, then it makes sense for their belongings to be at mums house, with a few bits at dads (a bit like visiting grandparents, or aunties) - but if the DC's are encouraged to consider both houses "home", then it becomes more of an issue if they are not able to move their belongings freely.

TBH, I think this is the underlying issue in a lot of cases - the RP considers that the DC's visit the NRP, whereas the NRP works hard to encourage the DC's to consider their house a home as well

I think it's all about being flexible and understanding that a child may want to take things to each house as they wish, having certain things at each house so they feel they have those familiar things is fine, but I think a lot of children from split parents can tend to be spoiled as the NRP (often a Dad) will overcompensate for not being able to be with them all the time by buying them things, often to try and make the child/children feel like the NRP's house is also a home to feel at home in, and not just somewhere they come and stay over from time to time.

Yes, if it is a 50/50 custody then there would be an element of having two homes with a full set up to accommodate the child/children, but I think there has to be a line drawn about doubling up on expensive items such as games consoles or mobile phones or laptops (the last two being mobile items which can be taken to either home). I think it's also important to have a kind of individuality at each home, to not have an exact replica of their bedroom at home in their NRP's home, I think that is naive. Children understand, even at a basic level when they are small that there is Mummy's house (the RP) and Daddy's house (the NRP) and that each place will be different with different things. My DSS understands that it is different here, that we don't have a garden for him to be able to do the same kinds of things he does at home, or that we don't have other toys/books that he has at home, but enjoys the fact that he gets to play with other things, have different stories and knows he is always welcome to bring toys back and forth if he really wants to play shops one day or dress up like a doctor the next. As we only have DSS a couple of times a week I understand the need to ensure that certain items he has brought with him go back home with him as he might want to play with them at home and will be disappointed not to be able to and having to wait for a few days to get it back (or having Mummy call us to ask for it to be rushed over right away!) At the same time we didn't want his Mum to feel frustrated or annoyed like some Mum's can about their child coming home each time from Daddy's with a 'new' toy, thinking it has been bought for them that day and being spoilt/showing up Mummy etc. (Certainly in the first few months when we were building up our toy collection here - mostly out of toys from my childhood and a few new ones! Not so much these days!)

I think these days children are often bombarded with toys etc for birthdays and Christmas - especially from split parent families as often they have more relatives with step families on either side who are now buying presents too. Either you manage it by asking them to club together for a large present to be kept at whichever home, or just ask them for small items so as not to overwhelm the child/children with gifts. I often find children are just expecting more and more gifts each time and just opening things and tossing them to one side and looking for the next one to open. I think children need to learn to respect the things they have, understand that parents can't always afford to buy them everything they want, and especially not playing one parent off the other to get what they want.

Oh the hardship of not being able to play on a Xbox for a night or two and having to wait to get back home...whatever did we do as children without these things?

I think your view is sinplistic woozle.

In my case the things which are not returned are things like items of clothing, swimming costumes, coats and shoes.

And I cannot phone my ex and demand that he return them - well I can. But he doesn't. And it doesn't help on the way out for the afternoon when we are ready to go and I discover they have no coats or suitable shoes.

And yes, I can do a 16 mile round trip out of my way to collect them. Which disrupts my plans and takes time and buggers up my plans. Assuming he's in to get the items.

woozle - you are right, many NRP strive to ensure that their DCs have a 'home' with them, even if they only spend a couple of days a fortnight there. Some, I am sure, do it through guilt - but many others are motivated by the genuine desire or need to be part of a family group.

Neither my DP or myself would be comfortable with a situation in which DSS were no more than regular guest in our home. DSS has his own room, which he has personalised, his own chores and responsibilities and his own possessions. He certainly doesn't have a large number of high value items; we don't even have a TV! Our life is very different from the one he shares with his mum, but we have created a place in it for him. It gives him security and a sense of belonging. We would welcome the opportunity for him to freely exchange belongings from home to home - but as his mum shares your view that he is a guest it isn't possible for him to do that

hathorinareddress - each situation is different, and perhaps just talking to your ex about making sure certain items come back as they are the only ones your child has then it may help matters. Of course some people forget to put those items back in the child's bag (or whatever they have been brought over in!) and other times some people are genuinely unaware that their child only has one swimming costume or pair of wellies. I think as a step parent, I want to make sure we have some general 'essential' items at our house in case they are needed, so we don't have to keep making sure they are brought from Mummy's house, these are things we have encountered over the years as we've gained experience as to what stuff is good to have here 'just in case'. I always wash any dirty clothes of his and send them back with him when they are clean, and we have sets of clothes for him here but not fussed if they stay at Mummy's, if he happens to wear it again on a stay over here and it needs washing then it goes back into our stash for him to be used again. Some things like PJs we might ask his Mum if we can have them back so we have a set here if she has washed them and not given them back for a couple of weeks.

I think it's a matter of communication between the parents, and I know it's not always easy with ex partners, people being unwilling to discuss even the smallest details. I suppose in one way we are lucky as DH and his ex have a talk once a month to go over any issues/good things/money/dates for half term etc

I think some people - RP's and NRP's to put aside their trivial issues about possessions and think about their child/children and their needs. If your child goes to their father's house with their only set of wellies and they come back without them, either ask for them back next time or just mention they only have one pair and it might be a good idea to have a pair at the NRP home in case they ever want to go out somewhere and the child hasn't got them with them that day. Some things are a matter of common sense, spare underwear, footwear, night clothes etc while other things may be more 'like to haves'

We can't afford to have everything our DSS WANTS us to have - the other day he asked if we could buy a trampoline - and I had to point out that we had no garden to put one in, but that he had one at home and could use that the other 5 days of the week he is at home - then he told us to buy a house with a garden so he could have two trampolines - simple answer - no. Long answer - sorry DSS but currently we cannot buy a larger house with a garden as we are financially crippled having to pay two mortgages - one for this house and one for you and Mummy's house, so we'll have to wait for a while yet.

But we can make sure he has the things he NEEDS like love, food, warmth, toys and clothes. We can be respectful of his Mum and the things she asks for in relation to him. We can understand he is a little boy that some days wants to bring his rocket ship toy over and play with it, and we make sure it goes back with him because it comes from his main home, that's just how we are.

If you have a problem with things never coming back - try and find a constructive way/non confrontational way to speak to the other parent about making sure certain things do come back at some point if it is something that you feel is very important to keep at your home.

If you have a problem with things never coming back - try and find a constructive way/non confrontational way to speak to the other parent about making sure certain things do come back at some point if it is something that you feel is very important to keep at your home.

Now why didn't I think of that?

Woozle - if that was acheivable, then there would be no reason to post about it as a problem here on MN!
I can't speak for anyone else, but my DH has been screamed at on the driveway in front of the DC's for "daring" to suggest that they keep certain items at ours, he has had numerous requests for family mediation declined by his exW, she has told him that she "doesn't have time to talk about silly things like shoes" and (as I think I mentioned below), DSD was so frightened of her mums reaction if she didn't take every item back with her that she tried to hide soiled underwear in her luggage DP's ex doesn't consider that he has any role in his DC's life and resents his presence - she is not going to be swayed by DP putting forward a reasonable case for things to change for the DC's sake

I'm sorry if I come across as harsh/abrupt - but it is incredibly frustrating when dealing with this issue on a day-to-day and someone, no matter how well meaning, gives advice that clearly ignores the realities of the situation that have been explained.

Woozle - I mean you no harm, but do you honestly think I haven't tried talking to my ex?

Do you think I haven't asked?

Do you think I haven't begged?

Do you think I haven't explained and explained until I am blue in the fucking face?

He is so bad that the headmistress at the school suggested that there be a secret swimming bag left at school that he knew nothing about.

And I find your implication that I have not "put aside" trivial issues about possessions and am not putting my children's best interests first offensive in the extreme,

And it's hardly trivial when your child doesn't have a coat, or can't do pe due to lack of trainers or needs another item of clothing which you cannot provide because the other parent refuses to return it.

And expensive goods like Ipods and the like - you must live in a very different world to me if you view someone else keeping them as trivial.