Can't decide whether to raise this or not

[zest01]

Ok, bit of background. I am both a resident parent and a step mum. As a step mum, one of the challenges has been/is my DH's acrimonious relationship with his ex. I won't go into that here but one of the problems is that my sk's are not allowed to bring anything from Mum's here or anything from here to Mum's. This means they have to have a full set of clothing and toys here, and now they are older, 2 phones, 2 handheld consoles, 2 sets of games...etc

So, for my DC with my ex I don't want this to be the case so have always allowed them to take stuff to their Dad's. If he goes on hol I tell him to email a list of what they need, eg hoodies, jeans etc so I can send them. He will sometimes ask for wellies if they are going somewhere muddy...etc and I am happy for this to happen.

However I am becoming increasingly frustrated with the one sidedness of this. He has much more disposable income than I do and has bought DC branded trainers etc and things i cannot afford but won't let them bring them home. He then gets them to wear my stuff on the beach, in the park etc as it's "cheaper" so doesn't matter if it gets wrecked but to me it does because I can't keep replacing stuff.

I always assumed that when they get phones and things (too young atm but getting there) we would split the cost and share between the homes but am now thinking this won't happen. He has bought them DS cosole each and said they cannot bring it here in case it gets broken - DC are now asking me to get them one here as well and I feel it's a waste of money having 2.

I don't want to stop them taking stuff from here there as I do think it's pathetic but what do I do? Shall I say something? I am thinking he will say as he pays maitenence he should have access to the stuff here but I don't contribute to his household so cannot have that returned. He may not, but I just think it's a bit odd that thye have all this stuff there for once a fortnight and I am really up against it here to get the branded things they are asking for.

If he got the trainers and I got the tracksuit top for example surely that would be better.

So honest thoughts please, I can take it!

boys go 2 x overnight per week, once on a school night (at the moment straight from school and dropped back to school in the morning) and once at the weekend (picked up from here and dropped back here).

Clothes: I buy most, but their dad buys a few bits sometimes. All go freely between the 2 houses - they go in what they are wearing and come back in what they are wearing. They have more here than there, but only because they are here more. If one of us is taking them on holiday we will ask the other for some extra's so we have enough for the holidays, and make sure that a sufficient amount is passed back at the end. When they go on a Friday I make sure they get changed out of uniform before they go, otherwise it accumulates there and it just saves any messing about.

Toys: when he left they took some of their toys to his house, but it has been 4 years now, so birthday and christmas presents tend to remain where they have been received. DS1 had a nintendo ds for his last birthday from me, and games for xmas from both of us and other relatives, and these are moving with him - they are his things and he wants them where he is. Sometimes they want to take a specific thing to another house but generally they come back to the house where they were received.

Things like bikes etc they now have at both houses (although this is duplication they are bigger things that are more difficult to transport), but when they didn't have them there they sometimes took them over if they were going to be using them.
Similarly he asked the other day if he could take their sledges with them.

Sometimes it can be hard to appreciate that ways different to your own can be just as good, but I really do fail to see how having 2 sets of everything is better.
BUT what I can understand is that if things are always disappearing, never coming back to the original house, always having to be replaced etc then you could get into the habit of not letting stuff go to the other house in the first place.
So I guess - if you are both being reasonable adults about it, then there is no need for much duplication, but if one (or both) of you isn't then I can see how duplication might be needed.

This is fascinating but it sounds to me as though your Ex is trying to buy the children's affection, prove something to them about his superiority, or make them resent you really. That's very manipulative and will only make them unhappy. I think the essential thing must be to view it from the children's perspective. Do they have nice things they can show to their friends and play with together, or do they not?

I remember some tension about things when growing up but it was from the opposite situation, my Mum was responsible for all things, my Dad paid maintenance, I took my own stuff when visiting. Mum was cross when Dad's wife pre-emptively bought me a rubix cube (she had already bought a better one ready for Christmas). The size and memorability of that tells you how well co-ordinated they usually were about gifts. I was upset when Dad offered to buy me some new shoes to replace the scruffy ones I was wearing and, age 7 or 8. I declined because I knew this was against the rules and would upset my mother. That wasn't a nice situation to be placed in, I'd have loved new shoes and had to wear out the scruffy ones for months instead but had a strong sense of loyalty and a pretty good understanding of what we could afford.

The memory of that incident is what makes me feel very uncomfortable on behalf of the children who are having things bought for them with conditions, given and taken away. They will know from very young that this is about power between the parents and they are being used as pawns. If they rebel by becoming very manipulative and demanding, I don't blame them.

I too meant no harm by explaining our situation, I wasn't relating to your specific situation by talking about 'trivial issues like possessions' just speaking in general. Like I said, every situation is different and I am sorry that you are having to deal with this outright unreasonable behaviour.

As for expensive items like ipods - ultimately they belong to whoever they are given to in my opinion. I think it is sad that these issues are being made into such an problem by some RP's that the children are caught in the middle of it all when ultimately the things - whatever they may be, ipods, toys, clothes, wellies, belong to them, they are for their use. We don't buy a child an ipod just to sit there and use it all day ourselves.

I was merely stating general points and was in no way referencing any specific situation. If only people could be reasonable, and sadly when it comes to some split parent families, it's almost impossible to have a rational, calm discussion about anything, let alone possessions. Each setup is different.

Please don't think that I think you haven't tried all kinds of things - but sometimes you just need to keep trying. Sounds lame, sounds stupid, sounds condescending, yep yep yep. I am amazed at the amount of things we (well DH on behalf of us) have talked to his ex about things in relation to their son and 10 times it has been ignored and reacted to and refused flat out, then on the 11th time suddenly it's her idea and oh, well yes, what a great idea, lets do that...

Sometimes we (as stepparents) need to be the bigger people, to not shout back, to not resort to petty arguments etc, and to persevere. Be a good role model to our stepchildren.

I cant offer any magic solution, no one here can. Win the lottery, buy everything, pay for a hitman (joking) .... or grit your teeth and work your way through it and do what you can for your stepkids.

I certainly didn't mean to come across as offensive in any way whatsoever by explaining how I feel about the topic in general and I feel quite upset. (Maybe I'm a wimp...)

I had been looking for a place where a relatively newbie in the realms of stepmotherhood (2 years and two months so far) could just have a place to be understood. (And sometimes let off a bit of steam) Seems it's not really working out here for me.

Apologies again.

Don't you think that we are all doing our best?

Your advise comes across as condescending and patronising.

I could write a fucking book with all the things I have tried. Believe me, if it's out there, I tried it.

And yes, the Ipod or whatever belongs to the child. But when I scrimped and saved to buy it, I want it available when the child is in my house. I want it returned if it goes to the NRP house. And if it isn't returned after me asking and asking and asking and asking - at what point am I permitted to get pissed off that it hasn't been returned?

Actually, the expensive one off items aren't the bigger irritant - it is the things like the trainers when they have 2 pairs and neither are returned and they want to go out and play and all you have to put on their feet is school shoes or wellies and the NRP either won't answer the phone or isn't in to go and get the fucking shoes back.

You seem to have an attitude that the resident parent is being unreasonable and needs to try harder - grit your teeth, try harder. I cannot try any harder than I am. Seriously.

Don't go woozle

We're all here to vent and rant - and we've all got "hot topics" which have caused so much distress for our families that we are ultra-sensitive when others don't understand the impact it has

For me, I find the idea that DC's are visitors in a NRP home unacceptable. I recognise that not everyone feels the same, but wouldn't be able to share my life with a man who considered his as DC's guests.
Similarly, I struggle with the concept that a NRP should accept abuse and keep going back for more in the hope that one day, it will change, in order to benefits the DC's.

It is hard to remain calm and rational when someone unfamiliar with the situation suggests the bleeding obvious a logical, practical approach in a way that implies that it will work for us......but I appreciate that it has worked for you.