a semi-rhetorical question

[brdgrl]

This will probably seem familiar to some of the step-mums.

Imagine this. You post about your SC's behaviour - he or she has been acting up in so-far relatively minor but troubling ways - hitting another child, lying about it, back-talking, disobeying house rules, that kind of thing. When SC is reprimanded, he or she uses the 'broken home' to justify the behaviour. Your Dh has a pattern of 'going easy' on the SC because he doesn't want to further upset him or her.

The responses you get say

• you need to be more understanding. SC must be traumatised by the divorce, and that can't be underestimated.
• SC needs counselling and sympathy to help work through the pain of the divorce.

What would you feel?

Pissed off.

If you are old enough to say "I am doing X because I come from a broken home" then you are old enough to make an effort to control your behaviour and say "I am sorry, I will try harder in future".

(bearing in mind that even older teenagers do not have fully-developed impulse control so you do have to be understanding when they do things that they later regret)

I know what I would think...De Ja Vu

You are a stepmother, it is never your stepchild's fault, you should always be more sympathetic, you should be helping the child not disciplining him or her. You don't sound like you like him/her very much at all - poor kid . And finally......

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If you weren't prepared to deal with someone else's child then

you shouldn't have chosen a man who already had children

with someone else

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Have you reAd malificents guide to step parenting?

here

One of the things I took (deliberately I suppose!) from Maleficent's guide was that as much as that illustrates all the sticks to beat step mums with it also showed me since there is no universally-agreed way to be a good step mum, I am free to find my own path. Then I guess we can all come here to get different views on things, just as there is a big range of views on the main parenting boards.

Well, it's a bit like when kids say "I am moaning/arguing/fighting my brother because I am tired/hungry/bored", only more stressful, because it comes with a dose of guilt and blame, and the extra pressure of step family relations, which can be so tricky. I always say that you may feel tired/hungry/bored but that doesn't excuse the behaviour. Far better to acknowledge the feelings and talk about them, or (heaven forbid) find something interesting to do, than express them in anger/moaning/fighting..

So, yes, SC may be feeling lots of things associated with divorce etc., but does that then excuse the behaviour? No, I don't think so. Yes, talking and counselling may be needed, but if the behaviour is left unchecked, it is tacitly accepted and seen as ok.

Contraversial perhaps but I also think kids are sometimes fed this - they use it as an excuse for "interesting" behaviours. And it's a convenient and powerful one that plays on our feelings of self blame and internal guilt.

Thanks, all. This has been my own experience as a stepmother as well. Just checking that I am not completely alone.

IMO you should always be sympathetic is they are remorseful afterwards.

If they aren't then yes, be pissed off. It's ridiculous. My DSD is putting my family through hell and getting away with it so I feel your pain.