I don't know whether this has made me more angry or upset... (long, sorry)

[TryingNotToLoseMyTemper]

DSD (10) and DSS (7) came to us for the latter half of Christmas day, and were supposed to be staying with us until Boxing Day evening.

We (DP, and my 2 dc) waited until 4pm to open any presents so that we could all open everything together, and have our Christmas dinner in the evening, together. So we did.

Christmas day night, DP had a text from his exw to say that DSD had asked to go home..... she had seemed perfectly fine with us throughout the day and evening, but apparently missed her mum and wanted to go home, so DP took her home the next morning and DSS stayed with us until the next day.

When DP dropped him off, exw wanted a word with him. Apparently, DSD was really upset that she didn't get as much as my dd for Christmas She also said that she felt left out (she wasn't, at all), and that her pile of presents weren't in the middle of the living room, they were at the side of the room, and that I was trying to make her feel left out.

Now - bearing in mind that we got her a brand new laptop - and she got an IPHONE from her mum - is this not really, really grasping? She had already opened her presents at her mums before she even came to us in the afternoon - my dd doesn't see her dad, so the only presents she gets are from me/us.

When DP told me about the conversation, I was furious. I already felt like she had just come and got her presents and then went home. Now I feel really kicked in the teeth, tbh. We spent loads on the 4 dc, equal amounts on all of them, but she apparently thinks that my dd got more little presents.... it's ridiculous! DP feels guilty - but why??? He's said that we'll have to 'try and make it up to her' on her birthday next month - MAKE WHAT UP TO HER?? Is a laptop not enough?

I think she's behaving like a spoiled brat - if that had been one of mine, I would have told them that next year they won't be getting anything and we will go and help out somewhere on Christmas day to see what's really important. I'm really fed up. This was our first Christmas together and now I feel like the whole thing has been ruined.

She's 10. She sees quantity not quality when it comes to gifts. I'd play it softly, say you're sorry she thought you'd not spent as much on her as on others but that her gifts were more expensive.

And next year wrap a multi bag of fun sized chocolate bars up individually

Most 10 year olds don't have a separate parent to complain to and a separate home to retreat to. Let that side of it go and just deal with the perfectly ordinary 10 year old behaviour - don't look for problems, lies and slyness where there may be none.

Thanks Trying.

I was just upset that she wasn't happy. I thought she'd had a nice time, and then she suddenly decided she wanted to go home, and then allegedly complained about what she'd 'got'. Do you see what I mean

I can see why that would grate on you, reading that back something occured to me, its possible that she did have a good time, but then felt guilty for doing so?

That is not at all uncommon in this situation, I remember feeling guilty for enjoying time with my step mum and not because my mum put any pressure on me, I just did If I felt guilty the first thing id want to do was to be with my mum as soon as possible.

A child in that position can feel very torn and at that age probably clueless as to how to process those emotions. so possible that she has gone hoome and down played the fun and upped the 'it was horrible' side of things?

I think its a normal reaction [although one that can hopefully be worked through] and please dont think its necessarily the mum being a bitch, she is quite probably just reacting to what she sees as her DD being upset.

What did DP say to his Ex when she told him what DD had (allegedly) said? Part of the solution is lays her (imo), once again (imo) he should have said to her 'All of the children had the same spent on them, we bought her laptop which was very expensive and she needs to learn the value of things. In future, if she has a problem when she is staying with me, you need to tell her to discuss it with me and if she wants to come home early, she needs to discuss that with me too, we cannot allow her to play one off against the other by tittle tattling to each other and we both need to put an end to it' (leaving the slight implication that this isn't just one sided and that he knows what's going on - kind of). He definitely does not need to stand in the doorway nodding his head and promising to do better like a naughty child (not saying he did, but I have my suspicions! ). Firm but fair.

He also needs to tell D(s)D that as well.

Of course it's hard for DSD, for her to see him with you and his kids when like most children she probably just wants her Mum & Dad back together and if they haven't been apart long (not sure on that?) then she's still (more than likely) going to be working on that! (Did you when you were a child??). However, the adults need to make it clear that nothing she does will make that happen and that this is the way things are going to be and whilst they want everyone to be happy, being unhappy or obstructive will not change it.

She needs lots of love, lots of attention but not lots of money thrown at her and firm boundaries. You need to make sure (as best you can) that running to mummy with the 'it's not faaaaiiiiirrrr' routine (if she did??) does not result in a shower of presents from daddy to make it all better or she will just keep doing it wont she.

Just to interject....my ds1, who is 10, came home from his pal's house yesterday, gabbling about HOW MUCH STUFF his mate got for Christmas!
It was "LOADS MORE" than he got. He wasn't moaning particularly, just stating a fact as he saw it.
Anyway - I have said mate's mum on FB, and she put up photos from Christmas, including her son posing with the all important loot.
His pal DID get loads more...if you're talking quantity. Pile upon pile of cheap shite that I would not have dreamed of wasting my money on!

My ds1 certainly got less, but it was all quality stuff.

Honestly, your sd in all likelihood doesn't quite get the quality over quantity thing yet.

My son doesn't. He's 10, and by no means thick or grabby.

Just a thought xx

The problem is... I can't bring any of this up with her because a) she would know that her mum has said something, and b) it's not really my place.

It's DP's place. But he's rubbish at this sort of thing, added to the fact that he feels guilt.... we're on a hiding to nothing, as they say. He's a good parent - but the famed 'Disney dad' term from this forum is alive and well on our house

pictish - you are right. I think part of the problem is that she is quite mature for her age, and I often forget how old she actually is.

It'll come good, probably. It just takes a lot of work to get all this working properly, a lot of adjustment from all of us. Trouble is, it's often the SP that is the one doing all the trying and everyone just carries on roundabout them.

Maybe this time next year I'll be posting telling everyone how perfect everything was

I really appreciate all your advice, btw, I really do.

OP, if it was your first Christmas together, was it her first without her Mum and Dad together?

Having gone to lots of trouble to include her, waiting for the presents, etc, I am sure it felt like a kick in the teeth when your planned idea of how it would all go went awry. But I doubt it was actually about the presents at all. A 10 year old is still a young child. She will have felt all sorts seeing herself in a blended family, probably felt that her Dad was being shared - that's a HUGE thing for a 10 year old to have to deal with.

You had your fantasy Happy Christmas, and she had her inner Christmas fears. She expressed it through presents. All you adults need to isten to her, listen to what is not said, and talk to your DP about it probably not being about presents, but about her feelings of being with someone else's Mum on Christmas Day, and sharing her Dad. If your DP falls for trying to bribe her out of it he will fail, you will beocme mroe enraged about her apparantly being a 'spoiled brat' and so it will go on.

As for spoiled brats - be careful of having a tantrum about one 10 year old 'ruining' your Christmas. It isn't all about YOUR vision of things.

Your language about her is horrible, however 'venting' it is.

And yes, I have long experience as a step parent.

Sorry - took a long time to write that last post, and x-posted.
I hope some calm reflection can enable a more constructive course forward, and that your DP will realise that Dad is better than Disney dad.

Also, look closely at any feelings you may have about your DSD having a Dad and your own DD not, and the effects of any compensatory or comparisons there.

IndianOcean - I have to take some issue with that...

My feelings about my dd not seeing her dad are irrelevant. She has not seen her dad since she was 6 and she's now 14. None of this has any bearing on my situation here.

IndianOcean - I have no idea what thread you are reading, Trying has not used any horrible language about her DSD at all!!

Trying - you can bring this up with her. It is just as much your place, what she does affects you just as much. You have a relationship with her now and it cannot be via your DP, it has to stand in it's own right. So what if she knows her mother told you/DP? It will do her no harm at all to know that the adults discuss things and that playing one off against the other will not work or it will give her the opportunity to say that she didn't say that or doesn't feel that way. IMO allowing it to be glossed over achieves precisely nothing.

Disney Dad needs to be stopped and he needs to be made to see that Real Dad wins hands down in the long run.

I do agree with you Chipping - I've said this many times to DP too - I want to be able to talk to dsd properly about issues that upset her or make her feel uncomfortable and insecure. I'm just always aware that she might think I'm sticking my nose in, and so might her mother.

We'll get there, I'm sure.

My own experiences of step-parents are a long time ago My own parents have both been married 3 times each.... and I have had 2 stepmums and 2 stepdads to cope with. Luckily, they have all been decent people, and my memories of them are good. In hindsight, it must have been really hard for everyone, but somehow, we kids seemed to come out of it all relatively unscathed!

I absolutely agree with CI - in fact she has posted re you having your own relationship with DSD the same words I was going to writer.

In this house - I am "mum". Everyone is treated the same, that way everyone knows exactly where they stand.

Don't get me wrong - Im not called mum, just MJ - I just mean I perform all the roles a mother is expected to perform and that includes love, disciPline, as well as washing, cooking and cleaning.

I read somewhere - "a step mother is the mother in her own home".

We are not the hired help, or the cook, or the cleaner.

*I read somewhere - "a step mother is the mother in her own home".

We are not the hired help, or the cook, or the cleaner.*

Thats certainly how it should be, MJ

Oh so familiar!

You just have to go with it, and hope she will get better. Your DH will feel guilty, they always do as they no longer live with their child.

It is so annoying though - and unfair.

Don't think of it as sticking your nose in, think of it as building a relationship :) You and DSD are a part of each others lives now and you don't need anyones permission to talk to her. All of this 'it's not my/your place' stuff doesn't help anyone (IMO), least of all the child. It is your place, she is your DSD and you are trying to blend your families as best you can.

I'm sure you'll get there too!!

Vent away and just ignore anyone who is out for a bit of SP bashing - it happens, best to just pay it the attention it deserves, likewise with those who have their own axe to grind.

LOL - you have a TON of step experience then!! That could be something to share with DSD :)

I agree with MJ - you are the Mum in the house, not her Mum, but The Mum and I hope your DP supports you taking that role because if he doesn't, you need to talk to him.

Was this her first christmas since her parents spilt up?

Yes. Precisely why I can understand why she felt all at sixes and sevens about it. She and her brother have had to cope with a lot this year, as have mine. I can sort of counsel mine about it though, whereas I can't so much with the dsc - that's down to their parents.

She wanted her Dad there Christmas morning, the same as it's always been - I did speak to her a little bit about that at Christmas, because I knew it would be difficult for her. So when they came to ours Christmas afternoon, we all got back into bed and pretended it was Christmas morning again, and Father Christmas had been

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about this sort of thing, me and my DP have had hours of tortured conversations about how to deal with things my SS says or feels or does. And that is one of the things that is so fucked up about the Step situation - we are all worrying about this line or that line or whatever. If a mother has died, there is no other mother. If you are in a nuclear family, there is no other mother.

I like MJ's line 'a step mother is the mother in her own home'. I am going to think that when I have a wobble.

Nowadays here we are a bit more gung-ho. My SS was rude on our Christmassy day about the prize for one of our traditional games we play. So we told him - that is rude, if you don't like a present you keep quiet etc. He might have been sad, but being rude is not the answer. We give loads of opportunity for talking about being sad or whatever, so no need to be rude to make a point.

A step-kid can't go through childhood being able to be more rude or stroppy than A.N. Other child because their parents are separated. They deserve extra support with their feelings but ultimately we have to help them get to a place where they can behave in the right way, because when they are adults no-one will cut them extra slack. So they need to process their feelings and be able to deal with things or they will find adult life tough.

IMO there are things you don't do - slag off the child's mum, draw direct comparisons, undermine the other parent. But in your house you can talk about how the kid feels, what the kid wants, how the kid is. If my SS says he's annoyed with his mum about whatever, I never pass comment on what he says mum did/didn't do, I say 'how could you sort this out with mum'. But I am entitled to know what is going on in his head - I have to look after him 6 days out of 7 so can't just pretend it's not happening.

I'm sorry your Christmas was hard. I hope next year is better.

Honestly chelen, it was really nice! That's why I was pissed off that this outburst came afterwards. I wasn't expecting it, and there were no signs of discomfort or anything on the day. I thought it was all cool and that they really enjoyed themselves which was exactly what I wanted.

I completely agree with you about the behaviour though. And I do treat all 4 of them exactly the same with regards to behaviour when they're at our house, you have to, don't you?

Trying that's so sweet that you all went back to bed and pretended Santa had been again :) If you all had a lovely day, it's most likely that she either felt bad about her Mum being on her own or just missed her Mum. It is most likely that either she felt the need to lie to her Mum to make it seem like she hadn't had a good time (to spare her Mum's feelings) or that she innocently told her Mum what the others got and her Mum has twisted it to make DP feel bad.

I honestly think that you need to talk to her about her feelings, but that there isn't a huge problem here, it will sort itself out.

Also, if you met/got together with DP when they were still a family (I'm not saying you did, just if you did) then his ex is going to understandably be very angry and upset and possibly not short in letting her kids know how much you have hurt her, so DD is going to find it quite hard to relax/be happy at your house for any length of time while she knows her Mum is at home, hurting. She may really like you, but that doesn't stop her wanting her parents back together does it. She's in a difficult position isn't she. Even if you got together after they split up, if this is the first Christmas her Dad isn't at home, none of them have had very long to get used to it all have they.

Christmas is such an emotional time of year that is built up so so much to need to be 'perfect' it's hard for most people. Still - you now have 12 months until the next one!!!

Chipping - oooh no, we got together after they had split. He left, and then her new bf moved in after a couple of weeks. They're getting married next year. So she wasn't on her own. If she had been, I would have sucked it up and invited her, truly. I hate the idea of anyone being alone on Christmas Day!

It will sort itself out, I'm sure. It's just adjustment, that's nowhere near as easy as I thought it would be. Silly fool I was, thinking it would be easy!

Thank you too, duvet I think there is an element of being made to feel guilty for enjoying herself, the more I think about it...

I think that this is where it is very difficult to deal with someone else's DCs. I think that a laptop and an IPhone are utterly ridiculous for a 10yr old and she shouldn't have had either. Sorry-not very helpful. At 10yrs old I would be inclined to talk to her about it.

Blimey - that's a lot of changes in less than a year for the kids! If she has moved her bf in she has absolutely no right to make her DD feel guilty for enjoying herself at her Dad's!!