I don't know whether this has made me more angry or upset... (long, sorry)

[TryingNotToLoseMyTemper]

DSD (10) and DSS (7) came to us for the latter half of Christmas day, and were supposed to be staying with us until Boxing Day evening.

We (DP, and my 2 dc) waited until 4pm to open any presents so that we could all open everything together, and have our Christmas dinner in the evening, together. So we did.

Christmas day night, DP had a text from his exw to say that DSD had asked to go home..... she had seemed perfectly fine with us throughout the day and evening, but apparently missed her mum and wanted to go home, so DP took her home the next morning and DSS stayed with us until the next day.

When DP dropped him off, exw wanted a word with him. Apparently, DSD was really upset that she didn't get as much as my dd for Christmas She also said that she felt left out (she wasn't, at all), and that her pile of presents weren't in the middle of the living room, they were at the side of the room, and that I was trying to make her feel left out.

Now - bearing in mind that we got her a brand new laptop - and she got an IPHONE from her mum - is this not really, really grasping? She had already opened her presents at her mums before she even came to us in the afternoon - my dd doesn't see her dad, so the only presents she gets are from me/us.

When DP told me about the conversation, I was furious. I already felt like she had just come and got her presents and then went home. Now I feel really kicked in the teeth, tbh. We spent loads on the 4 dc, equal amounts on all of them, but she apparently thinks that my dd got more little presents.... it's ridiculous! DP feels guilty - but why??? He's said that we'll have to 'try and make it up to her' on her birthday next month - MAKE WHAT UP TO HER?? Is a laptop not enough?

I think she's behaving like a spoiled brat - if that had been one of mine, I would have told them that next year they won't be getting anything and we will go and help out somewhere on Christmas day to see what's really important. I'm really fed up. This was our first Christmas together and now I feel like the whole thing has been ruined.

Why would anyone buy a 10 year old a laptop and an iphone? No wonder she has no idea of the worth of things.

Sorry not helpfull I know but must be getting old.

that's helpful of course

Sorry, yes spoiled brat. She's come and got her swag and wanted to go back home, she's then made up a load of bullshit to tell her mum so she has an excuse to want to leave and come home.

Remind your DP that actually she got treated equally - plus she gets double gifts at home, and she probably won't think another thing of it now she's got her way and gone home.

rainbow - I agree. The laptop wasn't my idea! And as for the iPhone....

Off - the problem is, they're coming again tomorrow until New Years Day, and I'm going to find it really hard to be normal with her. It's really hurt my feelings, not just the grabby-ness of it all, but the underhanded way it's been done.

I have reminded him of it too. I was upset when he told me all this yesterday. His exw mentioned a pair of boots that I got my dd - she thought they were designer. I can assure you that's not the case! I got them second hand off eBay for £7! And also - what the fuck has it got to do with his exw what I buy my dc??

I HATE this sort of attitude.

There is your problem too I'm afraid, DSD has learnt to lie to her mum about what goes on in your household and her mum is enabling the behaviour by soaking it up and believing it to be gospel.

I know it is hurtful when you first discover your DSC are lying about you, and you can't help for it to change things, but do try try to rise above it and hide your upset as she will just see it as a green light to play the two of you. It's hard I know.

Tbh, unless she asked you herself to go home, I would have 'not spotted' the text from her mum and let her stay and enjoy Xmas with her dad.

By taking her home she got her dad to herself for a bit and then her mum, she took her dad away from her (step)siblings on Xmas day, she got a chance to stir up nonsense against her step mum and step sibs, and has bagged herself an even bigger haul of presents in the future.

It worked this year and completely to her benefit. Don't be surprised if she builds on it next year. I know it was your first year together and you wanted it to be perfect. Unfortunately it was also her first Xmas like this and it sounds like she was determined to take control and screw it up for everybody else :(

X posted with last few posts.

Hope things go better at new year for you all. And that your dp and his ex are able to sit and talk some sense into your dsd...

I don't think I'll be involved in that conversation, zipzap! I'm too cross to be detached about it. I just see it as a spoiled child trying to get as much as possible.

Her mum isn't innocent in all this, believe me... she jumps at the chance to criticise my family, and to stick the knife in that DP shouldn't treat my dc the same as his own. There is a part of me that thinks that some of this has been embellished by the ex, but of course, I can't be sure.

As far as I'm concerned, any child that responds like that to lovely Christmas presents would be getting a telling off for being so ungrateful. But it's being pandered to.

OP, your compassion knows no bounds

She is a 10 year old little girl dealing with the emotional stuff around a first Christmas with a step-parent and blended family in a 10 year old's way.

It sounds like she did not throw a strop, she did not even mention wanting to go home, but confided in her mother. That, to me, sounds well-behaved and POLITE.

The ride home with her father was probably something she NEEDED. Get over it. This is really not about presents at all, IMO, but having to share her father, having to accept new step-siblings, etc.

Sounds like she needs some extra love and reassurance. Why not - radical notion apparently - GIVE it to her?

Also - if this ruined your whole Christmas, then perhaps you need to work on managing your own emotions when you don't get exactly what you want or think you deserve (perfect Christmas etc). I think you are catastrophizing.

I think it would be worth checking in with all the children to see how they are feeling.

dearth - you are so wrong. This is the place I come to rant, to act like a spoiled brat myself, to stamp my feet, without ever showing it in real life... I think that's the case for a lot of us here.

I am very compassionate. I completely understand the need for DSD to want her Dad with her on Christmas morning, and she couldn't have it. Obviously we wanted them all with us for Christmas morning, but we couldn't have it. I actively encourage DP to spend time with his dc on his own, because that's what they all want. I try and spend time with my 2 on their own too, because we are ALL adjusting.

It's the fact that it's been made about the presents and the money that has upset me. To me, Christmas is about being together, playing games, making stuff together and enjoying each others company. If she was upset about her dad not being there on Christmas morning, then that's much easier to discuss with her, and I understand that completely. The money and the presents conversation just makes it seem grabby and spoilt, and that's why I feel kicked in the teeth.

The whole step-parenting thing is what makes this kind of stuff so hard. If it were up to me, I would have a good chat with her and see how she feels about everything. But I'm so scared of being seen as treading on her mums toes, that I daren't.

I may have been being a tad over dramatic with the Christmas being ruined comment, I agree However, I just wanted it to be perfect. His dc have had their world turned upside down over this last year and I wanted to try and make it nice for them. The fact that it has turned out to be about financial gain has upset me.

Dearth you have come across like a patronising arse with absolutely no understanding of the OPs situation. She has done nothing to deserve being criticised the way she has by the exW and now by you.

Dearth are you even a step-parent? God help your step kids if you are. What the hell is going on on this board at the moment, the pure vitriol being aimed at us is nothing short of a flipping disgrace. How incredibly supportive, valuable and helpful your suggestions are to a woman feeling shit already. Delightful. Oh and where does it say this is her first Christmas - are the you the OP's DH EXW?

OP you tried hard to make her feel welcome, she lied. My DSS does it all the time. Its so hard as it really does feel like a massive slap in the face and you worry about the consequences but honestly, she is ten. At that age children dont think about the emotional consequences of their behaviour and I doubt she realised how hurt you must be feeling right now. EXW is being very unreasonable expecting you to treat her daughter equally but not asking the same of her ex. I think your best bet is to take a very deep breath and try to ignore as much as possible but if you feel you really must say something, sit her down tomorrow, tell her you know what was said and you are very sad she felt that way. You dont feel it is true but you will do your best in future to ensure she never feels left ,out - is there anything she thinks you can do to make that easier? Remind her she can talk to you at any time and leave it there. Basically make it clear you know what she is up to but dont shame her.

Try and enjoy some time to yourself - can you and your dcs sneak off for a bit to do something fun if it all gets a bit stressy? Perhaps some one on one time with her dad will settle her down.

prettyfly, in fairness, I did mention that it was our first Christmas together in my OP. But thank you for the support. I'm just not sure of how to deal with her. She's a nice kid, but I'm sure at the moment, she's pretty confused. I would love to have a good talk with her, I have a 14yo dd myself, so at least I have a little experience with girls, but I don't know that I should. I'm not sure of the rules, and I don't want to piss her mum off, things are hard enough as it is!

I don't really know what I did to deserve that, dearth - I'm just trying to do my best by all concerned, really, just like everyone else. Why would I not "deserve" a perfect Christmas? I'm not shagging him behind his wife's back or anything! And if you are a step-parent yourself, you will know that the stepmum position in the household is waaaaaay down the list.

There are no rules - everthing you do will be wrong in a damned if you do - damned if you don't - sort of way - so you may as well do what seems right to you, that's all you can do really.

I do what feels right to me because at least that's right by someone - even if it's only myself.

My dsd told the most horrendous lies, because she had to - she was confused and didn't think she should like me - it made her feel guilty.

I know how much it hurts to be lied about - but it's not you it's the situation she is in.

Bloody mobiles - if dh had his time again he would remove dsds the minute she walked through the door so it couldn't be used as an extra weapon and to undermine u's all the time by ex.

Things are much better with dsd now (although she has to lie to see us) but it took a lot of perseverance and love and biting tongues on mine and DHs part to get there.

Ahh I clearly missed that bit. Dearth I take that bit and that bit alone, back. Everything else stands.

I think you should try and speak to her. Why dont you speak to her dad and see if he would be cool for you, her and your daughter and tell her its a "get to know you day". She might not like you but an older girl there tends to change the dynamic slightly. Try something a little bit grown up and just let her know you arent there to be her mum, or to try and run her life but as you are in it for the foreseeable you would really like to try and get on with her. Perhaps he could approach his ex, tell her its really important for you to get on with her and check she is happy with this first. If she says know she is being a bitch and its not your fault.

Chances are you wont get anything right for the mother but if YOU know you are doing your best at least you can sleep at night and you and your dp will hopefully be able to support each other.

read this - it's funny

no even. Frickign I-Phone

TNTLMT - my DSD came and got her presents, then went back to her mums. Didnt attend any of the family Xmas visits and, when told that said visits had resulted in us picking up presents from various family and friends, asked my DH to open them for her so she could know what they are and whther it was worth coming by to pick them up....

It's vile, but what can you do? imagine the adults they will become - yuk.

Ok BoM, you get the prize for most obvious DSC goody bagging performance!! That is quite shocking

Ahhhhh, that thread was ace

What's it all about though? The step-parent bashing? You'd think people would be glad of having someone that actually give a shit helping to look after their kids.

My ds's dad has a gf, and she seems perfectly lovely. Ultimately, my ds likes her - so why the fuck would I not be happy about that?

I'm really hoping that this is a blip from a confused little girl, therantingBOM. I really hope this isn't who she is, she's a nice little girl.

Its about all the conflicting advice given to SPs on mumsnet, and how no matter what you do - you will never ever get it right :)

1 and 2 contradict
3 and 4 contradict

etc/

nah she almost certainly is a nice little girl, its just that the circumstances these kids find themselves in can sometimes bring out behaviour that even the best children struggle to contain. It's really not personal, and its rarely about you although dear god it feels that way most of the time. Its just her trying to flex her wings a bit and seeing where the land lies in a new situation.