I don't know whether this has made me more angry or upset... (long, sorry)

[TryingNotToLoseMyTemper]

DSD (10) and DSS (7) came to us for the latter half of Christmas day, and were supposed to be staying with us until Boxing Day evening.

We (DP, and my 2 dc) waited until 4pm to open any presents so that we could all open everything together, and have our Christmas dinner in the evening, together. So we did.

Christmas day night, DP had a text from his exw to say that DSD had asked to go home..... she had seemed perfectly fine with us throughout the day and evening, but apparently missed her mum and wanted to go home, so DP took her home the next morning and DSS stayed with us until the next day.

When DP dropped him off, exw wanted a word with him. Apparently, DSD was really upset that she didn't get as much as my dd for Christmas She also said that she felt left out (she wasn't, at all), and that her pile of presents weren't in the middle of the living room, they were at the side of the room, and that I was trying to make her feel left out.

Now - bearing in mind that we got her a brand new laptop - and she got an IPHONE from her mum - is this not really, really grasping? She had already opened her presents at her mums before she even came to us in the afternoon - my dd doesn't see her dad, so the only presents she gets are from me/us.

When DP told me about the conversation, I was furious. I already felt like she had just come and got her presents and then went home. Now I feel really kicked in the teeth, tbh. We spent loads on the 4 dc, equal amounts on all of them, but she apparently thinks that my dd got more little presents.... it's ridiculous! DP feels guilty - but why??? He's said that we'll have to 'try and make it up to her' on her birthday next month - MAKE WHAT UP TO HER?? Is a laptop not enough?

I think she's behaving like a spoiled brat - if that had been one of mine, I would have told them that next year they won't be getting anything and we will go and help out somewhere on Christmas day to see what's really important. I'm really fed up. This was our first Christmas together and now I feel like the whole thing has been ruined.

my poor DSD wanted to come Christmas Day, but didnt dare ask bitch mum, so she came boxing day, however that was not acceptable, to the evil one mother, who rang her screaming 3 hours after she had got here, want a laugh, about how poor DSD is using us!! (Because to make her life easier she lies about coming up so her mum has no idea how often we see her).

Apparently DSD was only here for her presents, fuck me, a 15 year old who wants her Christmas Presents, what a strange concept!

She was then rewarded punished with her mother sulking the silent treatment when she went home, for the sin of spending Boxing Day evening with her dad and siblings.

she was in floods of tears, DH was so sad and I was furious, because other than by being here, we are powerless to help.

MJ I'm always so so for your dsd, it's just shit for her isn't it

random, I know its not about me, but it makes me so very sad and so very mad at the same time, and DH was just :(, how are you supposed to not have an opinion??

I've been reading some of your threads over the last few weeks, MJ. I really do sympathise.

DSS wanted to go home to pick up some homework, worried that his mum was there as he 'wasn't allowed back home unexpected during contact time '. ( he's 16 ffs).

He text his mum to ask if ok - her reply ' oh yeah, I'm out anyway, you can stay as long as you want'

I kid you not , no wonder the kid's messed up

Its been 7 years, it isnt going to change anytime soon is it.

But the point to you was, my DSD was your DSD at one point, she was bloody awful to be around and I bore the brunt of all her anger. However much I ranted on here, and believe me I ranted, I used to feel sick for days at the thought of another weekend of abuse from her, I was (mostly) calm to her. Interstingly her mother also had no dad.

With hindsight, I can see, that her behaviour was a result of her environment, if for example my son did that to his dad, I wouldnt have said he could come home, I would, and have done, have made him stay, even now he is 16 and busy, I still encourage him to spend time with his dad.

The problem for your DSD, is if you have a parent who encourages a child to have no respect for the other parent, then they wont. Eventually that then becomes them having no respect for either parent, so it does backfire.

We never really talked about incidents, just concentrated on having a good time.

One piece of advice I wish we had followed was removing the mobile phone when she arrived, as her mother used to torture ring her at night when we werent aware.

She had only had the phone since Christmas Day. I can see how it's going to be used though. I was looking forward to her mum calling her and her brother on that phone rather than DPs so she doesn't ask to speak to him as well for absolutely no reason

Ohhhhh... the nightly phone calls to DPs mobile.... I could weep with fury

MJ I can honestly say, I look at my poor parenting skills and then read about your DSD mum and think ok I'm not great, I make mistakes but thank God I do not endure my dc to that kind of abuse. Honestly I don't know how you manage to stay as calm as you do.

SIL was told by social services to remove DN mobile phone due to the manipulation ex-bil inflicts on his dd. So what has he gone and done, bought her another because he has chosen to have no further contact with SS (and is allowed not to even though he is the reason they are involved)

thanks, what has made it very hard for me, after the constant hammerings I have had on here, (not on SP) is I need support, some of it affects me deeply, whether it should or shouldnt it does, and so I need an outlet as well.

I have lived with DV and it breaks my heart to hear some of the things she says and feels, because I recognise how she is feeling, and believe me at 15 she shouldnt be feeling it.

I no longer feel able to post for support as much as I did, because any thread about it, under any user ID is just jumped on, by the MJ is a big fat liar brigade and twisted until I dont even know what I am trying to say myself.

(sorry for the moan and hijack on your thread).

I wanted to wrap her up in a blanket and keep her here, not send her home with encouraging words, so did DH, but she loves her mum, she doesnt want to live here, she wants to live there, but with it being better.

Ever thought of kidnap

It's so hard isn't it. My ex told my dd1 far too much, gave her too much information, to much power far too young. Unsurprisingly she now resides with him where she pretty much seems to have partnership rights. I'm really not convinced that she can cope with living in a family where you know you may have to compromise!

god dont tempt me, I am past even thinking her mother would care she was upset, I used to think she just didnt realise, but I dont think anyone could be that stupid and blind

really sorry TNTLMT, back to your thread now :)

It is incredible how good people here have their words and feelings and good intentions twisted beyond recognition so that they dont even know anymore whether their intentions were good. It's so hard, it's sad isn't it?

You are all good people, I know because you care enough to post here.

EXACTLY, Off!

But the people that don't like step-parents think that we're trying to make it all about us. And we're so not.

MJ it's fine

DP saw her briefly after work today - she was at his mums. She had also been speaking to his mum about everything (she confides in her Nana a lot). When DP mentioned to his mum about the presents thing, she said she'd never mentioned anything about money or presents - just that she had missed her Dad on Christmas day

I just wish I knew how she felt.

Trying :( It could be her Mum made that up to make DP feel bad. It could be that her Mum put pressure on her to go home. It could be that she said that to her Mum to make her Mum happy (but didn't actually feel that way). It could be she did feel like that but knew Nana wouldn't like hearing that. Who knows. I think you should just do what you think is right, as MJ said (and christ if anyone knows it's MJ!!) you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. No one owns yours DSD, no one has the right to tell you what you can and can't say to her (within reason of course) - so I think you should just talk to her, say what someone else said earlier - that you don't want to be her Mum - she already has one, but you do want to be a part of her life and someone she can talk to etc, that you care about her and it's important to you that you all become a blended family with everyone being as happy as they can be etc etc

You also need to explain to her that a laptop costs a lot of money and although it may appear that the others got more than she did, that you did in fact spend the same on them all and in actual fact that's really not fair on your children as they didn't get presents from their Dad as she did from their Mum Sometimes, step or natural, they need telling. 10 is a bit young to understand that a laptop is very expensive but other presents may 'look' more.

I would tell her that her phone is to stay in the main room and stays there at night (basically keep it where you can hear it/see it).

Have you had anything to do with her Mum? Is she approachable?

However, you are seriously going to have to lose the hope that things will be perfect - no matter how you try, things with kids, especially when step kids & their other parent are involved, are rarely perfect! That's life (unfortunately) and the sooner you lower your expectations the happier you will be!

I do feel the mum's reaction was poor..emotional upsets happen in all families not just blended families. The skill that a parent gives their child is the ability to discuss problems. It's fair for the mum to feel concerned but she could have chosen to speak to your dp and then agree what course of action to take. When my dd went to her dads it was my role to help smooth issues between them (I was fortunate to have my daughter live with me the majority of the time so did know her emotions better) but then again I have that view because I genuinely believe in both parents being actively involved in a child's life.

TTTLMT, I hope your dp doesn't make it up to dd with more presents...An iphone and Laptop for a 10 year old, what is happening to society!!! You seem the only sensible parent here, the reaction from the mum and dad should have been..."Consider yourself lucky, focus on what you have, not on what others have"

ChippingIn - that's my suspicion too. That her mum asked what everybody else got, and when she was told that my dd got some boots, she assumed that they were designer...

My DP had already told dsd that she wouldn't be getting an awful lot as her main present was expensive. I would have thought that at almost 11, she would have understood that - but they're all different aren't they?

I know I need to lower my expectations. I have been a stepchild myself, and obviously just thought it was plain sailing....

And as for her mother - no, there is no way that I could talk to her about any of it. She's completely unapproachable, due to the horrendous amount of trouble that she's caused over the last few months. It's a shame, but it's gone past the point where I can salvage it.

Smum99 - I agree completely about the gifts for Christmas. But her Dad just wants to make her happy, and looks on throwing money at the problem, I think. It's meant in kindness, I know it is.

Im sure Ill get a load of flack like dearth did, but seriously she is 10

Was this the first christmas since her parents split? or just the first christmas with the 'blended family' ?

I can imagine it being difficult, particularly having to 'share' her dad with your children too.

As for being 'grabby' DONT BUY A LAPTOP FOR A 10 YR OLD then be surprised if they are materialistic! [appreciate that was prob your DPs idea]

Sounds like you went out of your way to include your SDCs, but in your position a few 'wobbles' wouldnt have surprised me TBH.

For the record, im not a step mum 'basher' at all im just offering an alternative view [much like dearth did-not sure why she/he got so much stick for it] I appreciate you are venting here, so im not going to pick apart your posts.

The fact that is is "normal" for the dsd to behave like this, does not mean we can't react with sympathy for the OP, it's normal for a newborn baby to cry - but no-one beats a mother over the head with a proverbial Internet stick for finding it difficult.

The challenges faced by many step parents in a hostile contact situation are unique and the answers aren't the same as for "normal birth parents".

My ds swims through being a step child - because he isn't put into a situation where he is allowed to play us off against each other.

The OPs DSD is in a more difficult situation.

Yes they are children - yes they deserve understanding, but - she is not the OPs DD and and so the OP also needs some where she can go for help from others who understand and have been in the OPs shoes.

It hurts when a child you are doing your best for appears to reject you - there is nothing wrong with expressing that.

My new saying for the new year - step parents aren't robots.

trying following in from CIs post - I once described SP in our situation as a "loss of dreams" - you have this dream of being a happy family, albeit a different sort of one, and one day at a time those pictures in your head and those dreams get shattered by the reality of life.

These days we just enjoy what we can and grab at the good bits.

The fault lies not with the children but the parents - but that doesn't mean what the children do doesn't hurt like hell, make you angry or a whole range of other emotions.

I know Amber. I know she's only 10. And I really do appreciate how hard it must have been for her having to share her Dad. I think it makes things harder because I have a daughter, who, to her mind, is trying to steal her Dad. I get all that.

I was just upset that she wasn't happy. I thought she'd had a nice time, and then she suddenly decided she wanted to go home, and then allegedly complained about what she'd 'got'. Do you see what I mean?

I can only judge on how my own dc have been brought up. I wouldn't be having that kind of ingratitude and would have pulled it straight up. That's why I was so cross at the 'make it up to her' attitude.

I do appreciate other points of view, honestly. Your post isn't like dearth's - for a start it's missing the face and the accusation that I was lacking in compassion!

And MJ - you are so right. I cannot actually believe that I thought it would be easy and everything would just fall together

I'm a fool, I tell you, a FOOL!