Ouch, slap in the chops, kick in the teeth... just need to vent.

[BigHairyLeggedSpider]

I thought we were doing ok. I've been here 4 years, since the kids were 4 and 8. We have had our ups and downs but they have always, unprompted called me their stepmum and acknowledged their feelings for me. Me and DP love each other very much. I was not the other women. We are not married, and I play a massively hands on role with them. I thought we had a good relationship, they always love seeing me and are not happy if I am not about at the weekend, if I've gone to visit my family for example, which doesn't happen often as I consider weekends family time. I consider us a family, and I love them.

It's silly really, how something so little can hurt so much. They have always always given us joint christmas cards, with my name inside. This year my name was missing. Just to Dad. I don't know why. Earlier on the eldest DS told me that I was just dad's girlfriend really, I replied I did waaaay more than the average "dads girlfriend" did with them and I always had, to which he nodded and grinned and said that's true".There have been other things of a similar nature lately. I have been told that I had to put up with them as I had chosen Dad - I replied that wasn't true as I knew dad had children when I met him, and that they came as a package.... and I chose them all as a package. Choose Dad, choose Kids,and I woudn't have it any different... I don't know where this is coming from because we've always been close, but it hurts. :(

Oh poor you, that's horrible. I'm not surprised you feel hurt.

What does your DP say? Are they getting to be teenagers now? Has something happened with their mum recently, like a relationship breaking up or something that's maybe making them feel overprotective of her and therefore have misplaced those feelings into being dismissive of you?

Hi, I'm so sorry this is happening. Only practical thing I have to offer is in similar circs I was advised to avoid arguing with them but just saying 'I'm really sorry you feel like that, I love you very much and think I have always worked really hard for you' and then move the conversation on.

They may just be testing if you are going to stick around? It sounds a little like they are detaching a bit. I wonder if they have started to worry what happens if you split? Also if they are saying you have to put up with them - are they questioning whether you really love them?

My SS started to say, when on his own with me, that he didn't feel as though he had anyone to look after him. That hurt a lot too.

You need ((()))

It is shit.

Why the sudden change. Has anything happened lately that would have changed the family dynamics ?

I agree with Chelen on reactions and testing.

During the first 3 years, DBD1 did a lot of mean things to see if I was a "keeper". I've been around for nearly 7 years now and it does get better.

Thanks both, I didn't want this to affect our relationship so I know I'm going to have to get over it, but I think reassurance and just a lot of love from me might help? DP is as puzzled by it as I am. I am open with them about how I feel about them, in a positive way. I have always been very hands on with them, not forcing it or anything, but doing stuff we like, cooking, science stuff, drawing, writing ghost stories, talking talking talking.... They were always saying how much they missed me, and how many days was it till they saw us again. We've always been an us you see. WHich was why it was a shock, just after I had cooked tea, combed the nit lotion out of their hair, had lovely sofa cuddles and just a general lovely relaxed family evening, to not be in their Xmas cards.

I think the testing whether I am sticking about might have something to do with it, as well as the fact that their mum has just got a new partner maybe? I'll try to not let this affect how I am around them, and try extra reassurance but I suppose I can't force it if they don't feel like they like me anymore? :(

Painful init, this looking after kids business.

Thanks for the hugs Egg Nog. I think I am going to have to grow a much thicker skin... its paper thin at the moment.

Ahhh, so mum has a new boyfriend? Bet that has everything to do with it.

OP I really don't think this is about you at all. Unfortunately you might have to take some flack though.

You sound like a great SM.

Thier mum having a new boyfriend could be causing them to start to think a bit more about the people in their lives and how they really relate to them. Can you do anything more to reassure them that you and your DP's relationship is long-term and to be relied on? Their mum's relationship is bound to be a bit uncertain if it's new. Bound to be a bit strange for them when you are technically in the same position as mum's new BF - even though they've known you much longer.

That makes a lot of sense. I'll grow some hide and try and ride it out with lots of love and reassurance. DP was going to ask him why they didn't put my name in the cards but I think that I might ask him not to.

Lol Purpleroses, I've been with him 4 years, moved 300 miles and changed my life completely to be with them. The only other thing we could do to prove our relationship was to get married, and there's a whole new can of worms!

Thanks for the advice, I think maybe they are starting to try and make sense of stuff a bit more now. The youngest just accepted me when I came along, maybe now he's starting to question a bit more. I'll take it on the chin and carry on trying to do the best I can.

Agree with others that think you are getting an emotional kicking for other reasons - in some ways testing you like this shows they think you are a keeper.

Fwiw new boyfriend not a good topic with dss either -dsd seems to cope ok but dss struggles .

I think it's boys and their mums Gigondas. Sharing their mum with another man and all that, especially after so long . I know my nephew found it hard when my dsis got a new boyfriend after she split up with his dad.

There you go Spider, there had to be something they were reacting to.

There is consolation though, they feel able to be like that with you because they feel safe and know that you love them.

I feel for you because I did the same thing, moved countries to be with DH and my DBDs - there are many times when I feel like I am the emotional punchbag, maid, cleaner, chauffeur...

I think you just need to carry on and don't show it hurts you- When DBD1 is being nasty to me I just say: oh well that is a shame because I do love you very much Being nice in return works well I find.

I second the line 'Oh that is a shame because I love you very much' - was advised that by a family worker and I think it helps especially when they say overtly that they don;t like you. There's so much insecurity in step families!

Thankyou for the very good advice. I'll keep you posted.

ds1 is 10. he wrote xmas cards yesterday and did one to his dad with no reference at all to his stepmum and stepsiblings, all of whom he gets on very well with. luckily i saw it before he sealed the envelope, and got him to add them on. but it was just a genuine oversight. is there any chance that's all it was?

Sadly no I dont think so. I have never been ommited before. Always had my name in with dads.

But you aren't their step mother. You obviously have a good relationship, but you shouldn't be described as something you're not.

Why isn't the OP their step-mother? What an unnecessarily hurtful thing to say.

OP- agree with the other posters. Just to add, my feeling has always been (whether considering my dd's understanding of what it meant to raise her alone, or now, what her step-fathers commitment to her means) that she won't really understand it til she is older. For now it is mostly smooth with occasional bumps- but I know in time sacrifice and unselfish commitment will mean something more to her.

Anyway- you sound wonderful and they are lucky to have you.

How can stating a fact be 'unnecessarily hurtful'? A step mother is someone who is married to the father. The op is not. Just calling yourself something does not make it so, however you feel about it.

The OP is clearly a StepParent ( Marriage or not, she is a hands on parent to them)

Lisaro you didn't give any advice to the OP apart from adding a truly unnecessary and mean comment so you obviously have an axe to grind.

No axe, no steps real or pretend in mine or my families life apart from a much loved step mother to my ex H who is now sadly dead and very much missed. I am just stating, as I said, facts. My (sub) point was that calling yourself something you're not could cause problems like the OP is experiencing. Read again what the child said.

If you read further we learn that the child as started to say these things and ommited the OP in the xmas card following his DM new relationship.

Nothing to do with calling her a StepParent.

'Earlier on the eldest DS told me that I was just dad's girlfriend really'. Girlfriend, partner, she sounds great with the kids. But facts are facts.

Right you can continue to read only what you want to read- I shall leave you to it.

So now we know dear fellow step parents, it isn't the love or affection or general care you show your step children that makes you a step parent, it'd whether or not you have a wedding ring on your finger.

I guess then that foster mums and dads should be renamed as well.

I guess I must be step mum to sd1 then, despite the fact she slwoulsmt recognise me if i said hello whereas op is merely an insignificant appendage to her dh.

Op they go through these phases - ignore and rise above it - she propbBly is just testing you.

Lisao, can I just ask, what makes someone a mother? A ring on their finger or the love, care and attention they show the children? What changes overnight when you get married? If I were to be completely hands off with the children, not enjoy them and them not enjoy me, and then I got married, would I be a stepmother then? A ring on your finger does not a mother make.

I have loved, cuddled, comforted, made sacrifices, pulled my hair out, worried, cried, supported, laughed with, wept with, played, talked, been entrusted, mopped up vomit, stayed up all night when they were ill, mopped up poo and wee, been snotted on, been shouted at, cheeked, hugged, loved. I have put on plasters, wiped away tears, talked about worried, packed bags, brushed teeth, delved deeper when they were upset, found out about trouble at school and told both mum and dad, advised, cooked with, taught, read to, been read to, inspired, been inspired by, been exhausted, infurated by, charmed and had my heart broken. There is not a single day when those children are not in my thoughts. Our house is too quiet when they are not here. I am the one they come to for mothering when they are with me. I am not a replacement mum. I am a bonus mum. I will always be a bonus mum because I do the mothering when I am with them. So don't you dare tell me that I am not a step mum because I am not married to their dad. I chose this family, the man with kids, they were three, not one, and I will defend my position in it. Do not demote me on a technicality. I am a girlfriend, a partner, and a stepmum, and a very pissed off woman. Enjoy.