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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Ouch, slap in the chops, kick in the teeth... just need to vent.

46 replies

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 12/12/2011 21:25

I thought we were doing ok. I've been here 4 years, since the kids were 4 and 8. We have had our ups and downs but they have always, unprompted called me their stepmum and acknowledged their feelings for me. Me and DP love each other very much. I was not the other women. We are not married, and I play a massively hands on role with them. I thought we had a good relationship, they always love seeing me and are not happy if I am not about at the weekend, if I've gone to visit my family for example, which doesn't happen often as I consider weekends family time. I consider us a family, and I love them.

It's silly really, how something so little can hurt so much. They have always always given us joint christmas cards, with my name inside. This year my name was missing. Just to Dad. I don't know why. Earlier on the eldest DS told me that I was just dad's girlfriend really, I replied I did waaaay more than the average "dads girlfriend" did with them and I always had, to which he nodded and grinned and said that's true".There have been other things of a similar nature lately. I have been told that I had to put up with them as I had chosen Dad - I replied that wasn't true as I knew dad had children when I met him, and that they came as a package.... and I chose them all as a package. Choose Dad, choose Kids,and I woudn't have it any different... I don't know where this is coming from because we've always been close, but it hurts. :(

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

mrsravelstein · 15/12/2011 19:18

ds1's stepmum doesn't do any of that list, and she's not married to his dad, but I still refer to her as his 'stepmum'.

i also refer to my mother in law as dh's stepmum, because calling her 'longterm gf of dh's late father' sounds a bit bloody stupid.

as you were.

MJinSparklyStockings · 15/12/2011 19:25

hear hear bighairyspider

glasscompletelybroken · 15/12/2011 19:27

Well I am married to DH so qualify as stepmum then and this is what dsd's call me. In reality I am anything but a mum of any kind to them as their mother has forbidden it. I am the housekeeper.

BigHairyLeggedSpider is INFINATELY more entitled to be called stepmum than I am.

chelen · 15/12/2011 19:56

Lisaro - you're missing the point - she wasn't asking the children to write 'stepmother' on the card, but presumably to put her name. The kids used to put her name on and have stopped. The comment 'you're just dad's girlfriend really' is a shift in thinking from what went previously.

It's idiotic to be discussing the 'technical definition' at all. It's as if you would imagine me and my stepson were virtual strangers the day before me and his dad got married, then I was emerged a fully fledged stepmum the second I signed the register.

chelen · 15/12/2011 19:57

Grrr, in my grumpiness my grammar has gone to pot!

Original poster

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 15/12/2011 20:54

Thank you for the support ladies. Means a lot.

OP posts:

ConfessionsOfanEggNogFlask · 16/12/2011 09:46

Well said Spider-

Chelen- your post made sense to me anyways!

UC · 16/12/2011 11:46

Hairy spider - it really sounds to me as though your step children are worried about something else - the new boyfriend in their mum's life. Echo everything the others have said. I think the comment about being Dad's girlfriend is probably a reaction to their feeling unsure and possibly a bit insecure about their mum's new partner.

I too am a step mum to DP's children. We aren't married, but I do the same for them as my own children. I look after them when they're here, cook for them, listen to them, argue with them sometimes, tell them off sometimes, give them a hug, go to their school plays/concerts/shows of work etc. etc. Just like you. A piece of paper makes no darned bit of difference. Not to them, not to me, and not to their mum either, who also calls me their step mum.

Hairy Spider, I also think you're right about the bonus mum thing - I believe that my children are lucky to have 4 significant adults in their lives - me, DP, exH and exH's wife. Yours sound VERY lucky to have you.

Happy christmas. :-)

serotoninbutterfly · 16/12/2011 11:54

Lisaro - you have no clue unless you are in the situation. I am a stepmum to 2, despite not being married to DP. I co-parent with DPs ex, and your comments are hurtful and unnecessary.

therantingBOM · 20/12/2011 20:21

BigHairyLeggedSpider you don't have to defend yourself hear. Lisaro is being a twat insensitive.

therantingBOM · 20/12/2011 20:25

But yes, BHS, as a step parent you will often find yourself as fodder for all of lifes little ups and downs. It's easy to deflect crossness with mum or dad on to you because despite the fact that they obviously love you a lot, it isn't imperative that you are in their life - at least in the same way as it is for mum and dad.

I think they're annoyed that there mum is seeing someone else, but they're not going to be annoyed at mum when eing annoyed at you is easier and less painful.

That's my guess anyway.

Original poster

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 27/12/2011 23:23

Well so far so good, all seems to be back to normal! I've let some things go, and tried to be calm and reassuring and we've had a lovely christmas in the end. Thanks for all your wise words ladies and I hope your christmases were merry and bright. They've refered to me as their stepmum several times again, and been as affectionate as they ever were. They've also told me about mums new boyfriend, so I'm thinking they've accepted the situation there, and all is normal here. I'll know for next time what to do.

Oh, and I defy anyone to try and strip me of my Bonus-Mum status when last night I was up at half past one cleaning projectile vomit launched from the overstuffed mouth of an eleven year old from the top bunk, ONTO his brother, and the rest of the room, walls covered in splashback, and just when we'd cleaned him/the room/the brother.... brother joined in.....! Did I leave it to DP? Did I hell!

OP posts:

therantingBOM · 28/12/2011 10:11

wow - I hope he's treating you today. That is not really on

springboksaplenty · 28/12/2011 10:58

BHS I loved your post. My sister is a step mum and your post just put so wonderfully your relationship with your step children. Plus if we've managed to move past the general idea that women need a piece of paper to legitimise their position in a relationship, I'm sure it can be extended to stepparents too.

I was thinking do you think their mom talked about her relationship with boyfriend in terms of 'he's just a boyfriend, we'll see how it goes'? Maybe she emphasised the potential temporary nature too much and they got scared?

chelen · 29/12/2011 15:31

I'm glad it was a blip and normal service resumed. Bad luck on the vomit front, that made me feel rather queasy. Been a while since we had a full-on projectile round here!

RedRosie · 29/12/2011 15:59

BigHairyLeggedSpider - you sound lovely and are doing a great job.

Not that there is any judgement from me one way or another (truly!) But do you have any plans to marry your DP? My stepchildren (grown-up now but very young when I first "got" them) were thrilled when their Dad and I got married. It meant a lot to them that we had done this, and I feel that they benefited from and appreciated the formal committment we made in that way, and saw it as a committment to them as well... It was a tiny affair and only they and two witnesses were there ...

Forgive me if you hate the idea for some reason. I'm not saying marriage is "better" at all. It is just my experience.

Original poster

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 30/12/2011 09:10

Theranting...I didnt mean he left me tooit
...i meant I didnt leave him to deal with extreme vomit on his own!!

Springbok yes I think it may well have been something like that. They were def not too pleased at sharing mum. They do seem to have got passed that bit now though. I think they think he is quite cool.

Rosie. I would one day like to be made official . I want dp to propose when he is ready though. I can see why he is burying his head in the sand nervous after his last trainwreck marriage.

OP posts:

therantingBOM · 30/12/2011 12:04

Ha ha sorry, I read it as though you were cleaning up vomit and he was peacefully dreaming

Original poster

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 30/12/2011 13:03

Lol. not a chance in hell. I adore the boys but vomit is axshared duty!

OP posts:

awingandaprayer · 30/12/2011 19:45

Newish to here but just wanted to say you are absolutely a stepmum! I'm divorced now but still see his 2 children and they still very much consider me to be a stepmum and they are still my stepsons. More than that I'm pregnant and they and their mum refer to him/her as their new baby brother or sister. It sounds to me like you have a great relationship with them and they only got funny this year because they are secure enough with you that they can test out any anxieties they have about new boyfriend in safety with you.

ElenorRigby · 31/12/2011 21:30

As a step parent expect nothing. Fight the long defeat with no realistic hope of happiness, thanks or success.
and thus any glimmers will more precious

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