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Teenage laundry...

92 replies

Bonsoir · 06/12/2011 16:47

The DSSs (14 and 16) spend half the time at our house and half at their mother's. While I am very happy to ensure their sheets, towels and pyjamas are washed and changed (on the days they are not here) I think it is beyond the call of duty to actually go into their gorilla enclosure bedroom and pick up filthy clothing off the floor and clean clothing from the laundry basket and wash it for them. I think that they are of an age where they should be taking responsibility for washing their own t-shirts, underwear and jeans and I also think that this might make them think a bit before generating quite so much to wash.

The DSSs' mother, however, thinks it is the role of adults, not children, to do household chores and does all their washing for them.

The outcome, unsurprisingly, is that the DSSs take all their laundry back to their mother's to be washed Wink.

We have tried explaining to their mother that we think it is time that the DSSs had some small domestic responsibilities (they do no other chores and don't clean their own rooms). She won't have any of it and sends us incendiary emails.

Quite apart from anything else, we are at washing/drying capacity during the week and would need to buy another washing machine if we were to launder clothes for the DSSs during the week when they are at school, as their mother requests.

Can anyone think of a really good reasoned argument to get the message across to the DSSs' mother?

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SingingTunelessly · 07/12/2011 20:10

Bonsoir, you've had lots of suggestions here but none of it is what you want to hear - i.e. you can't change the way their mum is. You say you can't give the DSSs any other household chores to get them to do something but you find jobs for DD?

Agree with Soupdragon, just let it go and if their mum wants to carry on washing for her sons then let her. Her future DILs won't thank her that's for sure. Smile

warriorwoman · 07/12/2011 20:54

I agree, you can't change their mum's mind. Who's to say your way is the right way? I do agree that they should do chores at their age and also they should be bringing their washing down. My DD is 13 and she brings her washing down for me to wash. If it's not in the basket it doesn't get washed. I wash her sheets and towels but I may get her to take the sheets off soon.
If it were me I wouldn't be going in their rooms to wash their clothes and if they didn't bring their clothes to be washed, they wouldn't get washed. If their mum wants to wash it for them let her get on with it. Unless they have separate clothes for your house and hers, in which case I wouldn't let them take it there.

brdgrl · 07/12/2011 21:03

Agreed...it doesn't seem like there is any solution that would suit you. You do have choices here, you know - you can make rules for the kids to follow in your home, whether that means doing their own laundry, or bringing fewer clothes with them and changing less often. They are teenagers, you can't lay out clothes for them, but you can certainly lay down rules. If you aren't willing to do so, then you are going to continue to have the same situation. Hmm I'm perplexed that you say that there are no other chores suitable for them to do - and yet you also complain that they aren't expected to do anything by their mum. You began this by saying you thought it was time they had some domestic responsibilities. Do you mean that you think she should ensure they have resposibilities, because you and your DH don't want the hassle of instilling those responsibilities? Because it sounds like you don't want to make any changes on your end.

I also agree (and I have a smelly teenage SS!) that there is no reason to wash the bedding every week, unless it is for your own sake.

brdgrl · 07/12/2011 21:07

am also confounded that you could be "at capacity" and would need to buy another machine. I do laundry for a family of five - two teens, a baby, DH and myself. (and my DSD for some reason changes pants and socks three times a day!) It does take a long time, but I can do it all in one day and with one standard sized machine.

Bonsoir · 08/12/2011 06:30

I wasn't asking for a different solution! I was asking how we get the solution we have decided on across!

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SoupDragon · 08/12/2011 07:08

Well, if the solution you have decided involves telling their mother how to conduct her life in her own home, then you can't.

brdgrl · 08/12/2011 07:08

You are not happy with the situation.
You don't want to do anything differently.
You want the ex to do things differently.

What is the solution you have decided on, then? From your original post, it sounded like you had two concerns - 1, not having to take on the additional laundry, and 2, teaching the kids some responsibility. I was genuinely sympathetic and posted in the spirit of offering support. But I am confused by the rest of your posts and your own response to other posters. I'm a lot more sympathetic to ex-wife now, frankly, as it seems like really you just want this all to be her problem. Not to put too fine a point on it - you haven't come up with a solution, or rather, it is a solution that you want to impose on the ex. I'm sorry, but that really is how it comes over.

So, no, I don't know how you can get that across to her.

talkingnonsense · 08/12/2011 07:26

Why not provide one smallish laundry basket and say anything put in that will get washed ( one load only, do it one evening) and then put it on an airer in their room to dry- their job to fold and put away. That c

talkingnonsense · 08/12/2011 07:27

Could be a good start. ( sorry pressed post by mistake). I think you need baby steps with shared responsibility as a starting point.

Bonsoir · 08/12/2011 08:30

talkingnonsense - we already have that system - they have had a laundry basket of their own forever. But it seems to have got a lot harder for them to actually get their clothes to the laundry basket than in the past; and in any case we want them to do their own basic laundry.

I was out last night and DP had a talk about it with DSS1. DSS1 had been fired up with resentment about our appalling treatment of him by his mother, but DP clearly managed to get him to calm down and even accept and understand that it was in his own interests to learn to take care of his own belongings without interference from adults. DSS1 admitted that his mother is crap at laundry and ruins all his clothes (and admittedly if he ever has anything fragile/complicated/stained to wash he brings it to me) and that it would be nice to take control of laundry so his clothes stay nice!

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theredhen · 08/12/2011 09:44

Personally I wouldn't expect a 14 year old to do their own washing. What I would expect is for them to put their clothes in the washing bin. I think if you are doing a load or two then, it's easier to just bung it all in together otherwise you end up with a scenario of said teenager putting a "load" on at midnight consisting of one pair of jeans. Xmas Hmm

There are 7 of us to wash for in our house sometimes for nearly two weeks at a time and yes, there is a lot of washing but I am happy enough to do it all. When I do get narked is when DP picks their clothes up from the floor and puts them in the washing bin for them.

As for the Mother who is doing all their washing for them. Good luck to her, sounds like she doesn't want her children to have an ounce of respect for her. If my exH partner offered to do my sons washing I would bite her arm off, unfortunately she doesn't and exH never would, so it all comes home to me. I From the other side I am the one who gets e-mails from DP ex giving me instructions on how to wash her little darlings clothes. You have no idea how close I came to dumping a bin liner of her kids dirty washing on her doorstep that day!

Bonsoir · 08/12/2011 10:13

theredhen - I have no problem doing reasonable amounts of laundry that make their own way to the laundry room (I am not going to start going in the DSSs room when they are here to fish dirty socks and worse out from corners) and I have no problem ensuring their beds and towels are changed regularly. I don't particularly expect 14 year olds to do their laundry when reasonable volumes are respected (and, by MN standards, I am in 99th centile when it comes to the size of reasonable volumes Smile). But the whole thing is entirely out of hand, due to the fact that the DSSs' mother does silly amounts of laundry (very badly) for them. It's a different philosophy - in our house we have fewer clothes that we treat with great respect (which means they don't get dirty so quickly or get washed so violently); in the DSSs' mother's house they have huge quantities of clothing they treat with little respect. The DSSs' mother wants her sons to import her philosophy into our home and I am not going to accept it!

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wordfactory · 08/12/2011 10:26

I agree Bonsoir, that you shouldn't accept the responsibility of doing too much laundry when the boys refuse to wear fewer clothes.

But similarly, you are not going to be able to import your view onto your DH's ex. You'll have to agree to disagre I feel.

Bonsoir · 08/12/2011 10:29

There are other issues (like the DSSs' mother overspending on clothes for them and then asking DP to make up the shortfall for other joint expenditure) so it's part of a bigger ongoing issue...

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theredhen · 08/12/2011 10:34

Bonsoir - Have you tried actually picking through the washing and only washing what you think needs washing? DSS is a nightmare for just bunging everything in the wash, I regularly pick out the fleece only worn for two hours or the jeans worn for half a day etc. I put it all back in his room. (The older DSD's don't do it because they are the ones who have to their ironing).

Kids will always go for the easiest option though and it sounds like their Mum is not helping at all. It sounds like it's more effort to put things in a bag and take them back to Mums though. Think you have a bit of a battle going on here and suspect their Mum is saying that you are neglecting them or dirty etc. to try and score points.

warriorwoman · 08/12/2011 10:37

I really don't get what your issue is. I don't really think it has much to do with the laundry, that's just what you're focussing on. Why does what goes on in the DSS's house impact on your home, you've lost me?

Bonsoir · 08/12/2011 10:43

theredhen - I have folded jeans and sweaters up and put them back in the cupboard. This, however, results in meltdown from DSS1 (less so DSS2)...

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Bonsoir · 08/12/2011 10:44

The issue is zillions of clothes to wash! Not complicated to understand, IMO, unless you are of very limited intelligence Smile. Washing is time consuming, it is expensive, it makes a noise, it requires drying (which is not easy in an apartment building) and it doesn't do your clothes any favours to be washed too often. So lots of time and expense on a very dull task!

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TheFallenMadonna · 08/12/2011 10:45

Meltdown? This is the one who came to London to look at colleges?

Bonsoir · 08/12/2011 10:47

Yes he is very appearance conscious - gym, muscles, expensive hairdresser etc. He is also in an (amateur) film role right now which feeds the appearance thing quite a bit...

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Bonsoir · 08/12/2011 10:49

Please don't think I created this über-high maintenance teen - I didn't Wink - I just have to try to manage the consequences.

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TheFallenMadonna · 08/12/2011 10:52

Give over Bonsoir - the whole bunch of you are high maintenance!

Gotta laugh at the expensive hairdresser.

And muscles?

Bonsoir · 08/12/2011 11:06

No I'm über low maintenance - I walk everywhere, I do all my own shopping/housework/take care of the children/have several part-time roles. I have absolutely no-one to dump my labours upon Smile

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theredhen · 08/12/2011 11:12

It's a difference of opinion isn't it? You don't think clothes needs washing after 5 minutes, DSC and Mum think they do. The problem is how you manage it.

Personally I think I would just state quite clearly that you are prepared to wash 1/2 changes of clothes per day (or whatever you deem necessary) and that any more than that, you will not wash and they can do what they like with it - either put it back in their wardrobe or take it back to Mums.

You can't change how they feel about this but you can change what you do about it. Concentrate on what you control and let you go of what you can't.

Bonsoir · 08/12/2011 11:14

Yes, it's a difference of opinion - or a whole different life philosophy. There are those who have zero self-discipline, always want more and are prepared to use any means to get it; and there are those who like to remain within their means!

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