Teenage laundry...

[Bonsoir]

The DSSs (14 and 16) spend half the time at our house and half at their mother's. While I am very happy to ensure their sheets, towels and pyjamas are washed and changed (on the days they are not here) I think it is beyond the call of duty to actually go into their gorilla enclosure bedroom and pick up filthy clothing off the floor and clean clothing from the laundry basket and wash it for them. I think that they are of an age where they should be taking responsibility for washing their own t-shirts, underwear and jeans and I also think that this might make them think a bit before generating quite so much to wash.

The DSSs' mother, however, thinks it is the role of adults, not children, to do household chores and does all their washing for them.

The outcome, unsurprisingly, is that the DSSs take all their laundry back to their mother's to be washed .

We have tried explaining to their mother that we think it is time that the DSSs had some small domestic responsibilities (they do no other chores and don't clean their own rooms). She won't have any of it and sends us incendiary emails.

Quite apart from anything else, we are at washing/drying capacity during the week and would need to buy another washing machine if we were to launder clothes for the DSSs during the week when they are at school, as their mother requests.

Can anyone think of a really good reasoned argument to get the message across to the DSSs' mother?

I think the lady's not for turning, I'm afraid. Could you incentivise the DSSs however? When they've put on a load of washing (having been tutored by you) they get pizza, DVD, whatever they are in to? Can you sell it to them by saying how will they manage at Uni? Alternatively, say if they are to lazy to launder you will squirt them/their clothes/room with vile Febreze. Sympathies tho'

But nothing incentivises them because they know it gets done for them at their mother's house! Honestly, the only solution is to get her to stop.

My SS are 15 and 17. We have them week on / week off . They have enough clothes for both houses. They strip their beds before they leave and put laundry , towels , dressing gowns in the basket . If beds not stripped and clothes not in basket , it doesn't get washed .

DH puts their washing on. I dry it .

What they do at their mums is irrelevant . We would not allow them to take dirty washing to their mums .

Sometimes they put a wash on if need items such as works clothes . They are not allowed to just wash a few items .

Are you not putting washing on anyway? Why would you separate theirs from yours? I have a 14-year old. I will only do washing if in her laundry basket but I don't expect her to do hers? Are 14-year olds really expected to do their own washing as a matter of routine?

I do think living across two houses does make it difficult for the kids to do their own washing , but I wouldn't pick it up off their floors !

We do however expect help with other chores while they are here . Is there something else they could do ? Ours clean their rooms and their bathroom before they go home , and help with dishes etc.

I don't think they should be taking clothes worn at your house to their mothers , or do they only have one set which they take from house to house ? We have clothes at both houses , and they just go to the other house in what ever they are wearing .

Their revolting clothing is not compatible with our clothes - at their mother's house everything gets washed together and is grey. We take better care of our clothes than that so we cannot wash them together. And the bigger point is the journey from under the bed etc to the washing machine. I never enter their room when they are here, so they actually need to gather clothes up and take them to the laundry room.

TBH, laundry is about the only realistic chore they can do here, which is another reason why it would be a good idea for them to do it! All other chores are logistically difficult due to the layout of the apartment.

I would not be washing anything not in a laundry basket . SS 15 has been to school in trousers left on his floor for a week , and also slept in dirty sheets . They soon learnt .

I also don't like touching their dirty laundry and sheets , DH does that , I dry them .

Oh, and they absolutely refuse to have two sets of clothing - and TBH we don't mind transporting them. I would much prefer they took clean clothes back to their mother's - but the issue is who washes them (from start to finish - picking up off floor to machine to drier to back to their room... this is a major challenge for them, not helped by the fact that they are used to being waited on hand and foot), not whether washing facilities are available.

When my two SS stay they're supposed to ensure all dirty washing put in laundry basket. Usually means a last minute tidy up. I change the bedding. At their own home their mother seems to do everything for them so I think they resent doing anything in my house.
However my own DC - same ages as SSs have a lot more to do than my SSs - empty dishwasher, wash up dishes, clean rooms, put away recycling things and I'm working on them learning to iron.
Having it all done for them is doing them no favours at all. SSs can't even make a basic lunch - the oldest is 17!

I don't think their mother's attitude has done the DSSs any favour either, and it bugs me like hell when DD, 7, who lives here all the time, helps me set/clear the table etc out of the goodness of her heart with no prompting leaving her brothers to loll! DD tidies her room off her own bat too. So it isn't at all fair on her if the DSSs, who are a lot older and generate a lot more domestic toil, get away with nothing.

But the DSSs mother thinks "children" should never be asked to do any sort of work beyond school work .

I'm not going to be much help as mine don't have 2 homes so they can't really argue but the older 2, aged 12 and 14 have done their washing for a couple of years.

I feel that our job as parents is to help them be independant, teaching life skills, as appropriate, until they can live confidently as adults. (Also I'm permanently knackered and don't see why I should run around after them while they sit on their arses.)
I have to gently remind in a 'your basket is full, would it make sense to put a wash on tonight,' sort of way.

Be firm, either they do their own washing at your house or they take it back to their doormat of a mother. You are not their servant.

The boys mum does lots for them too which makes it hard to implement routine when it comes to responsibility , especially with youngest .

Personally then , if one set of clothes I would stick to your guns. If their mum is happy to pick up after them so be it . Don't compromise your values . If they can't put washing in a basket, dont wash it , and don't pick it up . If its in a basket, would you be willing to put it on ?

But realistically (and frustratingly) you can't make their mum do things differently can you? So, washing in basket or it doesn't get done. Why can they not lay the dinner table? If you really want to get them doing something then that could be a place to start.

DSSs' mother is the same. The children (12 and 16) do no chores at home. In her case, it's her need to feel needed and in control I believe. If she lets the children start to do things for themselves, that would be acknowledging that they are growing up, and she refuses to acknowledge this.

I can't understand why any mother woulc choose to take on the role as skivvy for teenage children, but hey ho. Their future wives will not thank her.

My DSSs have their bedroom her in a disgusing mess within hours of being here. I can't bear it. Also they leave their dirty bowls on the table until told to take them to the sink/dishwasher. DSS1 has actually been known to get out of the car and not close the door behind him. I am sometimes surprised that he doesn't ask DH to wipe his arse for him.

But presumably they have to pick them up off the floor to take them back to mum's? Can see why their mum isn't too happy with them bringing dirty clothes back each time. Either you/DH should wash them or you/DH should ensure that they do it themselves. Hardly fair on their mum to dump dirty clothes on her each time and tell her it's her fault because she doesn't make them do their own washing. Would always expect DCs to put washing in the laundary basket (expect this of my 8 year old) but not to actually do it themselves - doubt very many 14 year olds would actually have to do their own washing. Most households do that communally surely?

My DSS (7) puts his clothes in the washing basket and I wash them... maybe you missed out on training them early? You could get a bit militant, wash their stuff then 'accidently' shrink their favourite jeans in the tumble dryer or as my DM used to do, iron a really dodgy crease down the front of our jeans. We soon learned to sort our selves out. Your DSC's Mother is absurd. Doing everything for children only hinders them. Try ignoring their clothes and the emails, teach them to cook instead, they'll actually thank you for that soon.

Erm - it's not rocket science - you just TELL them to do it. Yes, at first it will take more of your time and energy than just letting them be lazy toads but they will need a big amount of nagging reminding and eventually it will become the norm. You are damn right that teens should share the chores but you are damn a teeny bit lazy and a selfish yourself by letting them get away with sending their dirty washing home to their dm. Surely you have a shared responsibility to sanitise, civilise teach and guide them and not just abdicate all responsibility to their mum?

How would you feel if they brought their dirty football boots or whatever from her house to yours because they hadn't cleaned them at her house and she packed them up and sent them to you?

Literally instruct them step by step. This is a laundry basket. Pick up all the dirty clothes on your floor and put them in the basket. This is a washng machine... etc.

They will grumble, moan and 'forget' but you just keep up the calm and firm reminders with withdrawal of fun stuff until it's done.

BTW, you do sound a bit precious and unfriendly by saying their clothes are not 'good enough' to mix with yours in a washing machine. Really??? Your clothes are that special and theirs are that awful that they can't mingle in a wash?? Something a bit wrong there surely.

I am in charge of the washing in this house.

I expect DP and DSS (who lives with us) to put their washing in the laundry basket. If it ain't in there when I start my weekly task of getting the laundry done, it just doesn't get washed.

I think it's unrealistic to expect each person in a household to sort their own washing from start to finish, it's just not energy efficient.

DSS is used to his mum doing a wash just about every day, so he has been known to get cross when he doesn't have a choice of all the 14 t-shirts or 12 trakkies he put in the wash last time his dad made him clean his room.

But we are plugging on: if it's dirty, the floor in your bedroom is not the right place, if it's been put on your bed clean: the floor is not the right place, nor is the washing basket, fold it up and put it away.

We are getting there, slowly...in spite of my lack of knowledge regarding use of :

They've had plenty of "training" at our house... all rapidly undone by the total non-enforcement at their mother's. Frankly, you cannot blame them for preferring to be waited on hand and foot (I'd love it ) and I cannot enforce it the way I could and did when they were little.

I didn't say their clothes weren't good enough (they are very expensive) - I said they had been ruined in the wash and were all grey and I wasn't going to ruin our much more carefully cared for clothes.

Surely if they're teenage boys them most of the clothes are dark? Bung them in with your own dark clothes at a low temperature and they'll be fine. Or alternatively, as suggested you need to guide them through the process of using a washing machine each and every time they visit, even though they'll presumably only have a couple of things each to go in it . Kids can manage fine with two set of house rules, Trouble is you're not enforcing the "rules" at yours and are expecting their DM to pick up the extra work as a result. You can't blame their DM for teenage boys being slobs. Teenage boys ARE slobs.

I think you are letting them down a bit by making it all about their mother. It is part of a parent's responsibility to teach children to be responsible for self care, and not just by ensuring the absence of anyone else doing it for them.

I know they are step sons by the way - I think you and your DP are a team though when it comes to this sort of thing?

I think I remember though I think a post by you in the past saying they had no time to do anything other than their homework, and giving another poster a bit of a hard time about getting her DS to do his laundry? Have times changed - or are they just more smelly ?

Their clothes won't "ruin" your clothes. Tbh, you sound like you don't like them/resent their visits and this sounds like a thinly-veiled attack on your dp's ex-wife