Teenage laundry...

[Bonsoir]

The DSSs (14 and 16) spend half the time at our house and half at their mother's. While I am very happy to ensure their sheets, towels and pyjamas are washed and changed (on the days they are not here) I think it is beyond the call of duty to actually go into their gorilla enclosure bedroom and pick up filthy clothing off the floor and clean clothing from the laundry basket and wash it for them. I think that they are of an age where they should be taking responsibility for washing their own t-shirts, underwear and jeans and I also think that this might make them think a bit before generating quite so much to wash.

The DSSs' mother, however, thinks it is the role of adults, not children, to do household chores and does all their washing for them.

The outcome, unsurprisingly, is that the DSSs take all their laundry back to their mother's to be washed .

We have tried explaining to their mother that we think it is time that the DSSs had some small domestic responsibilities (they do no other chores and don't clean their own rooms). She won't have any of it and sends us incendiary emails.

Quite apart from anything else, we are at washing/drying capacity during the week and would need to buy another washing machine if we were to launder clothes for the DSSs during the week when they are at school, as their mother requests.

Can anyone think of a really good reasoned argument to get the message across to the DSSs' mother?

I think it is very reasonable that teenagers do their own laundry. And I definitely think teens should be doing chores.

Having said that! - my stepkids don't do the laundry. I thought long and hard about it when we moved in together and set up a jobs rota. In my case, the kids live with us all the time. I did not really want them using the washing machine and leaving a soapy mess behind. I did not want them leaving their things in a machine for days at a time, to get in my way when I wanted to wash. I didn't want them chucking my things out of a machine when they remembered at the last minute that they had no clean shirt for school the next day. I just didn't want to deal with it all, frankly. So, I do all the laundry. I have strict rules about it, though. I do it one day a week, on Sunday. No 'special request' washes on other days. They put their baskets out on Sunday morning; if it is not there, it does not get washed. A few weeks ago, even after several reminders, DSD did not put her laundry out. She finally set it outside her door at midnight when she was off to bed. Well, it did not get washed, and she had to wash underpants in the sink that week. I think the message got through. I'll only ask once now.

And DSD is 16 now, so I have been thinking that it might be time to make some changes. The other day she was telling me at length about how little she'd done that day, and how she'd had a lie-in until 1 PM. I was doing my umpteenth load of laundry at the time, had just put a one-year-old to bed, and was about to go do several hours of work on my dissertation. So...I was none too pleased.

In your case, I think other posters are right when they say that you shoudl make sure the laundry is not just taken back to the mother's. That isn't achieving the results you want anyway. So either you and DH do the laundry - in which case the kids should have other chores at your house, and certainly should cooperate to make it an easier task - OR the kids do their own. You'll need to be willing to put in the time and effort to enforce it, consistently and firmly.

(As far as mixing their clothes with your own, I find with two teenagers that there is generally enough laundry that I have multiple loads, anyway!)

TheFallenMadonna - times have changed because the volume of laundry generated has reached epic proportions! One weekend's worth of clothing = four (heavy) full loads for the two of them! DP has already talked about this to their mother several times but it isn't working.

And, I repeat, there really aren't other household chores that are suitable for them to do while we do their laundry. It's just not going to happen...

The first thing that springs to mind is why are they wearing so much kit?

Surely they come homein their uniform and change into jeans etc which can then be worn again the next day?
Smaller amounts make everyone feel less stressed.

Second, could your DP not just speak to them and tell them their Mum is getting peed off with dirty clothes sent home, you refuse to do em, so could they not help out to keep everyone quiet?

How on earth has your week's laundry reached " capacity" without excluding the DSS's clothes when there are only three of you excluding them?

without

wordfactory - there is no uniform. I completely agree that they shouldn't change their clothes so often (DSS1 is a four t-shirts per day boy) but I am not the one that brought them up with those bad habits, nor lets them continue...

Acanthus - there are four sets of bedding (double bed plus three singles), a lot of towels (DP and DSSs do a lot of sport) plus sleepover generated bedding and towels, before we even start on clothing!

wordfactory - their mother loves to tell them their father is neglecting their well-being because he doesn't run around after them making life comfortable the way she does (this is actually a massive distortion of facts).

A certain amount of dirty laundry has always travelled between homes and there has never been an issue with that. It is the extent of it that's the problem. DSSs' mother is very old-fashioned when it comes to the proper role of mothers .

Hmmm.
Well my view is that if young people choose to wear too many clothes then they have to wash them. If they refuse to either wear less or do their own laundry then it is their, or in this case, their Mother's funeral.

Your DP should tell her that there is nothing further for discussion. She can either join him in trying to raise self sufficient young men (who will have to do their own laudry at university or smell) or do it herself. End of.

As for trying to lighten your own workload, I wouldn't bother washing your DSS's bedding every time they use their beds if it were me. When DC come and go as often as your DSS do they can hop in to a once used bed I think.

Also, can I ask if your landry room is in a different part iof the building?
When we lived in an old brown stone in Chicago and the laundry room was in the basement it made the whole issue of laundry a bigger one. Much more of a chore than simply bunging it into the washer in the kitchen/ utility room and leaving it to a convenient time.

Your DSS should learn this lesson too, for when they go to university.

Teenagers wear too many clothes, try my 10y DD. Far worse than big sister.

wordfactory - I think you are ill-acquainted with the beds of teenage boys

LOL.
My own is still, thankfully, prepubescent.

Laundry can be a bone of contention in our household ? although for slightly different reasons. DSS (17) has a truly foul bedroom, I refuse to include it in my usual household cleaning routine because I object to picking DISGUSTING used underwear off the floor, I?ve often found mouldy cups/plates under the bed and I keep the door closed at all times so that the smell doesn?t invade the rest of the house. None of the pets venture into that room, which tells you just how bad it is.

But when it comes to laundry, DSS can?t manage to put items in the laundry bin, so they remain on his bedroom floor. I usually do most laundry on a Saturday morning (as I work Monday-Friday), DH and DSS both know this, and yet it often gets to 4pm on a Sunday afternoon, when DH realises that there?s only two hours to go til DSS?s home time, and that the Laundry Fairy hasn?t called in yet.

Then we have a mad scramble to get all DSS?s laundry washed and dried in two hours, which often means using the tumble dryer even in the summer. If DSS went home with any unwashed clothes, the ex wouldn?t be very happy, and DH would do ANYTHING to prevent anyone moaning at poor ickle DSS, so panic often ensues.

Of course, I?ve got wise to this, and there are occasions when the devil in me ensures that just before the panic button is pressed, that I?ve just started a 60 degree cycle full of towels etc, so that DSS has no choice but to take his stuff home unwashed ???.

If only he?d put his clothes into the laundry bin earlier in the weekend, I could have fished them out (wearing marigolds, because his stuff is incredibly manky) and washed it all in time.

If he was my own son, not only would he get a kick up the backside, but I?d practice some Tough Love and teach him that dirty clothes which stay on the floor, stay dirty. God help him when he goes to Uni.

All my DCs (17, 15, 13) are expected to do their own laundry, including sheets and towels. Anyone who has less than a full load ask round if anyone else has anything to go in, so we rarely do half loads.

However, Bonsoir, as you've rightly pointed out, you are on to a hiding to nothing, when the SSs can just take their dirty laundry home to the laundry fairy. The mum has made this rod for her own back, and isn't open to negotiation, so she can take the consequences do all the washing until she comes round to your point of view.

Direct all snotty emails to your DH to deal with.

In our case, the children arrive on a Friday eve, wearing one pair of trousers and a top, and only brining 1 clean top & undies each. Bit ridiculous to wash and dry stuff for a Sun eve, yet their mother still complains apparently. Don't know if she expects them to spend a Sunday trouserless.

allnewtaketwo - I wish! The DSSs bring a huge suitcase of clothes in addition to what they are wearing, and the whole of it is worn by Sunday evening

Could you start organising what they are going to wear and when? So laying out clothes for the different days and then removing the suitcase and all the extra stuff? Or is that too intrusive? DS is 10 and wears whatever is suggested so I am a bit clueless as to how it works when they change...

LOL absolutely not! First of all I never, ever enter their space when they are here and secondly no-one decides what they are going to where but them!

There are plenty of midnight washes mid-week of favourite jeans that are needed for the next day etc...

wear

The real issue is that they have been brought up to be total clothes horses with far too many changes etc and no thought whatsoever as to the volume of luggage (on holiday as well as changes between homes) or laundry that generates...

Oh dear. Wonder if DS will go that way, or whether he will remain his father's son in sartorial matters.

Do you do the midnight washes. Or their mother?

[shrug]

if their mother wants to do their laundry then let her.