BM's request for more money make me see RED!

[zazas]

BM has asked for an increase in child support from DP - based on it is a New Year therefore it should go up! Our situation is this - DP and I live together with my two, DD 7 and DS 4 and we have DP's children DS 6 and DD 5 one night through the week and every 2nd weekend and 1/2 holidays plus some extra nights. He pays her the 20% per month (gave her the house/furniture/car when they separted). This is OK but now she has asked for more money and I disagree. So does DP but as he feels guilty about the separation (I wasn't involved) and not seing the kids every day he tends to waiver in his resolve (as seen in the past) to not giving her any more. My arguement is that she actually receives more than she is entittled to as he now supports my children and has his children more than 52 nights a year - so he could reduce it. We have not done this nor plan to but what bothers me is that she doesn't spend the money on the kids - e.g.she has not bought them any winter shoes! We have provided the winter coats and most of their clothes as well as ballet clothes and shoes for his DD as she just won't (her Mother pays for the ballet lessons). But she does have new clothes and shoes for herself! She works as an artist and now has over 30 hours free a week to work with both kids are in school. I just feel that she makes no effort to properly provide for her kids (loads of other examples!) and resent her asking for more money - as she know DP is a soft touch. By the way she had a new kitchen fitted this year and a two week holiday to France (without the kids) so she is not on the breadline! The thing is we can always find the money to pay the extra £50 a month she wants (we both work hard for our money though) but I feel she needs to take some financial responsibility. Am I being reasonable or just mad at her for her lack of responsibility she often displays towards her kids?

does your exdh pay towards your children?

Totally agree with you, you are both doing more than enough with what you're paying already - plus buying clothes etc.

These children have two parents - it isn't solely up to your DP to provide for them

What has your dp said? This is up to you and him to work out. She can ask all she wants but he is not obliged to just cough up on her say so.

Grrrrr. No advice to give, but I know exactly where you are coming from.

I agree - sounds like you and your DP are doing more than your fair share already. If she can afford new kitchens and holidays, that's her choice but doesn't do her case any good or suggest she desperately needs more money for the kids.

If you and DP can afford a little extra for the children, I'd suggest you continue to spend it directly to ensure they get the benefit. I'd stick to your guns. I don't get her New Year argument - surely by the same logic we should all be getting a pay rise LOL!

PS she reminds me of our BM who claims she can't afford childcare but who in the last year has fitted a new kitchen and new bathroom, bought 2 new plasma flat screen TVs, got a Mercedes convertible and had 2 overseas holidays and 5 long weekends abroad! My heart bleeds needless to say.....

My dh's ex is married to a millionaire and lives in absolute luxury, but still phones dh quite regularly to ask for more money.

Perhaps if you calculated what you are technically obliged to pay for the children and then calculated what you actually pay, she might realise that she is getting a pretty good deal. Your dp pays 20% of what? He is entitled to deduct 20% of his take home pay because he has your 2 children to look after. He should then calculate 20% of the balance of his net pay which is the amount she is actually entitled to.

Having said this, the amount the CSA says is payable I find quite derisory given the actual cost of raising a child, but legally this is all he is obliged to pay. Pointing out the difference might make her keep quiet in case he decides to only pay the minimum.

I don't think that she has a case for any more money at all, however I will say that when absent parents make payments to parents with care it always baffles me as to why people think that this money should be spent directly on the child ie clothes days out etc. That money is given to help with the expense of the child ie housing costs, feeding the child, school uniforms paying the bills.

As I said though this does not apply to this case, if she can afford new kitchens and holidays then she sure as hell isn't living on the breadline and I think you should refuse to make any higher payments and wait to see what she does.

While I sympathise in the sense that my dh is constantly asked for money by his ex, whose lifestyle is beyond our wildest dreams (we'd have to have a lottery win of at least £5million to come close, I suspect). However, I don't think the fact that he supports your children should mean he has less responsibility for his own child. And I really didn't think that this would reduce his CSA obligations. After all, your children's parents should (in an ideal world) support them. It is also very hard to find a job that is school hours only and if she didn't there would be large childcare bills that your dh would be morally obliged to help with IMO. Do you have a paid job?

Thanks for your messages and support - I am pleased that you agree but I wanted to make sure that I am not letting emotion get in the way of this subject. In answer Aloha - yes you can reduce child support payments if the person is living with and thus supporting children from a different relationship! Not very popular I might add and not something we have done. It is also the same if we were to have a child together. I work just under 30 hours a week around the kids school hours and the BM is a self employed (fairly successful) potter, who works during the school day and if she does craft fairs at weekends we have the kids. Yes he pays her 20% of monthly salary after tax / pension but all in all he is paying well more than the minimum - I think she would be shocked!!!! My ex pays towards our children and I agree that it is for their all round support but I don't consider shoes as extras - as she seems to think they are!!!! Or for that matter haircuts - oh I could go on but I won't!!!! It just seems to be a situation of give an inch take a mile and I feel strongly enough about this to not keep quiet and let DP get taken advantage of again!

How much is the 20% though? If your partner's salary is low, it may not be all that much despite being 20%. I wouldn't have thought a potter would earn a great deal though. Am speculating, not judging.

Which is why I suggested that you type out a comparison of what you pay and what you are legally obliged to pay. If she could see how much more than the minimum you are paying, she might appreciate that she is getting quite a good deal.

Does your DH get an annual increase in wages? if so, it would be fair to suggest that his payment would increase, i.e. for 2006 would pay 20% of his increased wage.

If he has not had a payrise, then perhaps you could point this out.

I also agree, you should set out what he does pay, against what his legal obligation would be.

Also, make a note throughout the year of any extras being bought for the children e.g. coats, which are essential items and should be paid for from the contribution that your DH makes to their maintenence. Add these to your summary. HTH.

DP, sorry.

I would up the contributions if your DP's income has gone up, but otherwise, I agree with whoever said it's about as reasonable as expecting a pay rise just because it happens to be January. (Now if your DP gets an automatic pay increase in January that's another matter - he should increase his contribution along with his income.)

DP is self employed as a graphic designer and pays a set amount which equals 20% of his monthly salary - this is not dependant on monthly cashflow - we do it on a yearly basis. It is a good amount and as he gave her the house she also has a low mortgage less than £200 a month. Yes as a potter she does not make a great deal but that is her choice. She also has a DP by the way. All in all I would be more sympathetic if I saw some evidence of her providing properly for the children - the shoe issue really upsets me! She only needs to buy the school shoes - we buy wellies / snow boots / trainers and good shoes!!!!! I have suggested that he offers instead to pay for their swimming lessons which he would like them to have. I think that deep down I slightly resent the hold she has over DP by using the children and also that she doesn't treasure the priviledge (by providing for them) that she has as resident parent as DP would dearly love them to live with us.

Hmm. I can see that you are teed off, but 'treasure the privilege' sounds a bit off. How would you feel if your ex-h's new partner said that to you, about your own children?

is she actually asking for much more? is he's managing 20% to his children and then using hte other 80% to live off and provide for your children and buy them extras perhaps you should point out that it works pretty well for now.

Might not be a suggestion you'd like to hear but how about DP suggest he take the kids an extra night a fortnight or something which should reduce her expenditure in food etc over the year?

I think you need to stand back a bit and stop judging how she spends her money. Maybe she likes her kids' shoes, maybe she doesn't go in for haircuts. I don't really think it's your place to judge that kind of thing, tbh, or to impose your view of what's necessary.

My mum is always telling me that I neglect my kids because I don't bother putting white vests on them. I think a blue T-shirt has exactly the same (or near enough) insulation properties as a white vest. But for my mother, the fact that the kids aren't wearing proper vests is a sign of neglect. I think your haircut attitude is on a par with that, and comes from your resentment of this situation. Getting yourself in a paddy about that is a sign that you're allowing this situation to wind you up beyond what's reasonable.

I know, I do need to watch that I don't let my judgements about what I feel is 'right' reflect on this situation! Sometimes hard to do especially when we have the children with us so often. In all honestly I try really hard not to judge her and her lifestyle choices. Maybe we should just replace the bloody worn out school shoes (that are also too small - ouch!), keep cutting their fringes when we loose sight of their eyes and keep our mouths shut! But I do think that it is a priviledge to have residency of your children when there has been a separation and I would not mind it one bit if my ex's DP said that to me - it is just how I feel. Thanks for giving me a forum to vent some of my feelings - feel calmer now and a have a better perspective on it!

As a stepmother myself I think it is wrong that the first family should suffer because the other parent chooses to enter a relationship and have someone elses's children come to live with them. I honestly do.