BM's request for more money make me see RED!

[zazas]

BM has asked for an increase in child support from DP - based on it is a New Year therefore it should go up! Our situation is this - DP and I live together with my two, DD 7 and DS 4 and we have DP's children DS 6 and DD 5 one night through the week and every 2nd weekend and 1/2 holidays plus some extra nights. He pays her the 20% per month (gave her the house/furniture/car when they separted). This is OK but now she has asked for more money and I disagree. So does DP but as he feels guilty about the separation (I wasn't involved) and not seing the kids every day he tends to waiver in his resolve (as seen in the past) to not giving her any more. My arguement is that she actually receives more than she is entittled to as he now supports my children and has his children more than 52 nights a year - so he could reduce it. We have not done this nor plan to but what bothers me is that she doesn't spend the money on the kids - e.g.she has not bought them any winter shoes! We have provided the winter coats and most of their clothes as well as ballet clothes and shoes for his DD as she just won't (her Mother pays for the ballet lessons). But she does have new clothes and shoes for herself! She works as an artist and now has over 30 hours free a week to work with both kids are in school. I just feel that she makes no effort to properly provide for her kids (loads of other examples!) and resent her asking for more money - as she know DP is a soft touch. By the way she had a new kitchen fitted this year and a two week holiday to France (without the kids) so she is not on the breadline! The thing is we can always find the money to pay the extra £50 a month she wants (we both work hard for our money though) but I feel she needs to take some financial responsibility. Am I being reasonable or just mad at her for her lack of responsibility she often displays towards her kids?

This thread has gone a bit off topic I think but just wondering, those who seemed to be questioning the validity of the percentage of salary rule, how exactly would you propose to ensure that the financial needs of the children are met?

There has to be some system to work it out.

I am not necessarily suggesting the 20% rule as being fairest, just wondering how you would do it?

I think the income of the resident parent plus any resident partner should be taken into account.

And then I think it has to be a percentage of income. 20% is imo too low. I probably spend about 80% of my income on my children one way or another, and without them my income could be at least five times higher. But I also recognise that if it were higher than 20%, for most men, it would mean being unable to function.

It goes back to the insolubility of it all.

Yes but that 80% of my income would be only about 10% if I were not the resident parent of my children. On the whole, non resident fathers earn higher wages than resident mothers a) because they have penises and that automatically means they're more valuable workers for some reason, and b) because they are able to take jobs which are incompatible with family life (IE most of them!)

Five years ago when I was clearing £2,400 after tax and my mortgage was £210 per month, my housing costs were less than 10%.

Sorry, I'm comparing myself to my ex, rather than a normal non-resident parent. I was thinking of the fact that I could be earning more than that now and living in a smaller therefore cheaper place. (But that depends on not making any arrangements whatsoever for children, which lots of non-resident fathers, including my xp, do.)

Having said that, I know that some men have no choice but to go and buy a flat which is inadequate for housing their children because incomes versus housing costs are too low.

"Gender stereotyping"? On average, men earn more than women. That's not stereotyping, that's fact. And amongst women, mothers earn less than childless women. Not just because they do reduced hours, but pro-rata. I'm not claiming there are no exceptions (of course there are, there always are) but one swallow does not a summer make and all that.