HOW do you detach?

[TryingNotToLoseMyTemper]

I know I'm a control freak..... I am aware of this.

But I can't seem to detach from the ex and her behaviour.

She makes me so, so angry - I've never got into a confrontation with her, quite the opposite in fact - I just stay away from her altogether.

I try to keep out of it. God knows I try... but sometimes it almost seems like an obsession on my behalf.

How do you do it?

I'll be back..... but OH is next to me on the sofa

I've been there, OP and I know it's not easy. Like you, I've never actually has it out with her, I used to shout and scream at my DH and demand that he tell her this and tell her that but I know that wasn't fair on my DH because he was stuck in the middle and had screaming women at either side!
Now, I just let it go, give a great big sigh and remind myself of just how pathetic and immature she is making herself look, and how sad it must be for her to have nothing more important in her life than to think of ways to be awkward and difficult.
There has also been things happen in my own personal life which has given me a much better perspective of life and that really, her and how she chooses to behave is just not even on my radar anymore.
I know it's hard but just try to keep calm and carry on and remember that all that matters is your relationship with your OH and the skids.
Hope this helps a wee bit anyway

Thanks flixy

My rational brain knows that I have to step away. But once my emotions get involved, I find it really difficult. And I'm constantly thinking the same as you - having me badgering him in the other ear makes me no better than her.

It's such a difficult situation - on the one hand, it's technically none of my business - but on the other hand, it really is, since I look after her children 3 days a week as well as my own.

I do content myself sometimes with thinking that she can't be happy in her own life if she has so much energy to devote to trying to wreck our relationship....

Sometimes I feel like my eyes may actually roll right out of my head

Oh my God... I know so how you feel. Recently I have been having really bad stomach problems so I went to see a homepath yesterday and she literally said it's all the anger I have for DH's ex eating me up from the inside! I spend hours everyday thinking of all the nasty things I would like to say her to and think I am slowly driving myself insane....

I think it's the fact that she's not really doing these things to you, but to someone you love and you can't defend them or make it go away. My homepath said the feelings seem very similar to that of someone who's being bullied.

Would love to tell you how to detach, but I would love to know myself first!

oh gosh yes I hear you!! I have been like this where I have been so angry that i literally cannot sleep. DH's ex has been a complete witch for YEARS and absolutely horrible to her youngest DSS (now living with us). I used to hate her with every fibre in my body.

Now however I just try and focus on the fact that she is a miserable bitter unhappy and jealous meanspirited person who will never ever find happiness in her life. She seems to want everyone else to be as miserable as her. Now both DH and I simply ignore her long ranting evil emails and texts and never respond. This drives her completely insane as she would absolutely love a reaction and this would add fuel to the fire. I get some satisfaction from that.

I try and remember that she is nothing to do with me and her opinions of me count for nothing - she is beneath contempt. I almost pity her now.

It's the frustration at the lack of control over a situation that affects you directly.

On the one hand expected to just roll over and put up with whatever the ex dictates and on the other expected to look after these children and do whatever they want when they want.

If we don't want our mother to come and visit, chances are we have some control, if we want to have a long bath and read a book, we can make that choice etc. If the ex wife wants us to do something, we have no control at all.

That's what is frustrating, I think.

I have no idea how you detach especially if you know that your DP/DH wont' put in any boundaries at all. It's very hard.

Redhen - I agree totally with what you say. Excellent post.

Oh, I am so relieved (again) that there are people that feel the same as me here. I could write a list as long as your arm of the stuff that has gone on, but it would only make me more angry again..... although it might be quite cathartic... Hmmmm.

My DP is very easy-going, very laid back. He says that he has to 'manage' her how he thinks best - which is true of course - and that it's easier to just do as she says most of the time - again, true - but it makes me want to beat him with a stick from frustration sometimes. I don't see him as weak, but he is a different sort of person than I am, I'm much more assertive.

And the point about stuff being out of your control is very true indeed. I have control over the members of my family - well the children, at least - but there is literally NOTHING I can do about this apart from whine.

The children are lovely. But I live in fear of saying the wrong thing, that will then be repeated back and cause even more trouble.

And it's funny that you should mention stomach problems, jencd - I have been having stomach issues over the last few weeks, and never even thought to make the connection. Of course, it's stress related.

it seems to me like you ARE detaching. You're trying not to rise/get involved. I know what you mean though, how do you stop it affecting you. Have you told him how you feel about this (presumably this is when he says he has to manage her how he thinks best?) Agree, it can be terribly frustrating and destructive.

I'm only detaching on paper though, sospanfach.....

It's almost as though I want to know everything she says and does, to enable my self to get more angry. That sounds crazy.

Oh, I've certainly told him. That's how I know I need to get detached from the situation - because I seem to be telling him a LOT. And to a degree, it's not my battle, iykwim.

yes, I understand. I think you need to do more thinking like you said about how she devotes such a lot of energy to wrecking your lives. Now THAT is someone who cannot detach. You are just human and reacting accordingly

I agree with redhen, and I also think that it is critical to lay down boundaries so that the exW cannot use you as free 24/7 childcare at her command. You must explain this to your DH, and carry on explaining it, calmly and rationally, until he has fully understood and lays down the law to his exW.

yes. Your DH needs to understand this. It's clearly unfair behaviour on her part and he needs to tackle it.

As a sp I think alot of the time this is part and parcel. Your OP is v brief, what is she doing/has she done to get you so wound up?

I know from the other end(ie being the ex, having to deal with exp and np) that things can get really strained very quickly. Exs can easily feel trodden on/resentful if their pov isnt taken into account regarding children for example,especially when the relationship is new/split was recent.

Perhaps try and leave your dp to deal with it for now and stay out of it as much as you can. You dont say how long youve been with your dp but I think things do get easier/less strained in time. You are also wise to watch what you say in front of her children, stuff will get said back to the ex by the children and you will only end up making the situation worse.

Ha! Like I say, there has been so much that has happened, that I really couldn't list it all here. Plus, there is always the chance that I could be recognised, for all I know, she could be an MNer.....

sospanfach - she is completely unable to detach. I think in her world, she would have preferred him to be on his own so that she could manipulate him more successfully. She definitely doesn't want him to be happy - which is a bit rich since it was her that finished the relationship and is marrying someone else.

Bonsoir - believe me, I have tried. I am a mother myself, and have had to introduce boundaries etc with my exh - but DP seems unable to do it. He sees it as 'managing' her - I see it as 'letting her get away with it'.

There's nothing in place for regular nights that we have the dc - she swaps and changes around on a whim, sometimes with a couple of hours to spare. She calls/texts DP 3 or 4 times a day, about the most ridiculous of things - and not always about the dc either.

The latest thing is that she wants him to spend Xmas morning at her house so that they can both be with the dc when they open their presents. Originally, she wanted him to spend the night there on Xmas eve.... and then she wanted her and her DF and the dc to come to our house for Xmas day and have Xmas dinner with us

He has another family to consider as well. We live together. She doesn't care. She says it's about what the dc want, but it isn't.

In the end, I've told him to just do it. Just go there on Xmas morning and do what she wants. Because it really is not worth refusing - she will just keep on and on until she gets what she wants. We can have Xmas day later.

well thats it, rise above it! shes obviously doing that to wind you/your dp up, if you fail to show any response and not show youre getting annoyed itll peev her even more as shes trying to get a reaction.

chopping and changing days is very unfair, not only on yourselves but mainly on the children. you have a life too and cannot be expected to drop everything to have her children, as said before you are not her babysitter and shes showing a utter lack of respect.

I guess really he is the one who has the power to change this-ideally you need kids out the way and three of you sit down like adults and discuss options. Myself, I would be putting my foot down about the days you have them, eg he should suggest- we have them on this this and this day or whatever every week to be set in stone but exceptions can be made eg if shes got to go to an appt or something, but tell her you need ample warning and will not be prepared to have the kids if she rings last minute to ask. As for xmas day, surely it should be taken in turns? Im having my kids xmas day, theyre going to exp and spm on boxing day, next year they will be at theirs xmas day(dont wanna think about that now, will be hard, but fair to all)

Id also have words with dp about her txts/calls-it almost sounds like their still in a relationship! i txt my exp, only about stuff to do with the kids, hes my ex, cant see any reason why id need to have chats about anything other than the kids...

Honestly, I feel I could be you! I had huge arguements with my DH a few years back when his ex wanted him to go up and open presents with ss on Christmas morning. I really think this does nothing but confuse the children. SS was only 3 when it happened but he still talks about it 4 years later, it obviously made a big impression on him. He is always saying how he wishes his mum and dad were back together (as i'm sure all sc do), surely things like spending these family times together only serve to give false hope for the kids?
I think any ex who wants to spend times like this together "for the sake of the children" really just means they don't want to accept their children are not part of a typical 2.4 children family anymore.

He has already had that conversation with her, starsintheireyes - she agreed to stop texting and calling - and she hasn't. Previous to that 'agreement', she was calling sometimes after half 12 at night when we were in bed....

I am very flexible as to when we have the dc - and so is he. He loves them, and is very involved. But to my mind, it's all about power and control. And to see the person you love getting taken for a mug (imo, obviously) is REALLY difficult.

But there is no way that I could be involved in a conversation with her and him. It's not appropriate really, and I couldn't trust myself not to lose my rag...

jencd - this is exactly my point.

It is confusing for the children. At this point, they will think that their mum and dad spending Xmas morning together will mean that they might get back together. It's ridiculous.

I'm not having mine this year for Xmas morning because I had them last year, and this year, it's exh's turn. I hate it, but it's FAIR. It was what we agreed and I have no choice.

jesus! thats out of order, although sometimes-from experience txts get delayed, exp sent a txt once at 9pm and i got it at hlf one in the morning! was pissed off, till found out hed sent it much earlier!

From another angle then-does he answer the calls/txt back to her? If he stops doing that i would imagen shell get bored of no reply?

If talking between you is not an option perhaps get a independant mediator? you two could discuss what you want to happen before he goes and meets with them etc but ultimately he needs some serious backbone to lay down the law for once and for all otherwise I can see this carrying on till the kids are adults!

At the end of the day its his ex, his kids and his responsibility to sort this out HE needs to be strong and put a stop to it.

I could have written the same post OP - I completely sympathise. My DH's ex was the one who ended it but seems to hate the fact that he moved on before she did.

She does all she can to interfere and tries to make us feel incapable as parents. I do find myself day-dreaming of what I'd like to say to her as she winds me up so much but I have never confronted her as it isn't my place really...so frustrating! My DH is so easy going and will just let it roll over him - I end up saying to him 'why didn't you say this or that'!! Poor hubby - this is why I joined Mumsnet so I can vent on here rather than being in his ear...

If something happens I do sometimes have to stop and ask myself 'am I angry because my DSD's needs aren't being considered or is it because this woman is telling us what to do..' It's hard - probably a bit of both...

I've also found myself looking for information about her (Facebook for example) just in case she's said anything about us - I know this is wrong so I try not to do this as it doesn't make me happy and won't solve anything.

As it has only been two years and things aren't any better in my situation I don't really have much advice except - rise above it! It is insanely hard - I know! But you will always come away the better person - always! Sometimes I feel a bit intimidated as she is the mother and she always seems so cool and collected but if I think about the things she has said, the way she has behaved and is behaving - it's embarrassing! It's more than likely eating her up inside.

I personally don't think your DH should be there at Christmas. The DC need to understand that their dad and you are togther and are a family. But I also understand why your DH is going along with it. Just take a deep breath - this wont last forever! :)

I think sometimes some men completely lose track of what is best for the kids, their partner and often themselves and do whatever the ex wants. The trouble is everyone (including the ex) end up losing respect for these men.

How often do we read of rude, self obsessed, entitled attitude type step kids. Ex wives who get what they want and still continue to be rude and controlling, partners who are drained and tired from the fighting and constant demands from the ex. And then there are the step Mums left to deal with the left overs of the emotions from all sides.....

Who wins in that situation? No-one! If these men were to have a clear vision of what is right and what is wrong and ensure that EVERYONE is treated fairly and respectfully, then maybe nobody would post on this board!

I really feel for you about Xmas day, OP. Children can have a nice Christmas with BOTH parents they don't have to be together at the same time! Nor do the kids have to be shipped off after only a couple of hours at one house. Madness.

stars - there have been texts that she says were delayed. But she has also called at half twelve, quarter to one in the morning, more than once. No, he doesn't answer. But why can she not respect me and my household enough to just stop doing it?

There is no way I can get involved with regards to mediation, honestly. Looking at it from the other side, as a mum of my own children, I wouldn't be happy if my exh involved his gf... so I can't. Although I would love to

bluebell - honestly it feels almost obsessive, doesn't it? Makes you feel a bit like a stalker....

I'm not intimidated by her - I just don't want to lower myself to her level, iykwim. I am capable of icy calm arguing.... but it would cause so much trouble for all concerned. But sometimes I have to sit on my hands.....

"There's nothing in place for regular nights that we have the dc - she swaps and changes around on a whim, sometimes with a couple of hours to spare."

This is outrageous. You are supposed to be on permanent standby for emergency childcare? Your (D)H is walking all over you... I think you need to ask him who he is partnered to, you or his exW.