HOW do you detach?

[TryingNotToLoseMyTemper]

I know I'm a control freak..... I am aware of this.

But I can't seem to detach from the ex and her behaviour.

She makes me so, so angry - I've never got into a confrontation with her, quite the opposite in fact - I just stay away from her altogether.

I try to keep out of it. God knows I try... but sometimes it almost seems like an obsession on my behalf.

How do you do it?

I'll be back..... but OH is next to me on the sofa

"If something happens I do sometimes have to stop and ask myself 'am I angry because my DSD's needs aren't being considered or is it because this woman is telling us what to do..' It's hard - probably a bit of both..."

It's totally infuriating when you get told how to parent a child by the ex, and even more infuriating when you get told to do things you don't believe in. DP's exW texted him last weekend to (a) tell him where he should take the DSSs ski-ing this year (b) tell him that the DSSs complained that he doesn't take them on holiday enough.

Oh no? DP takes them on holiday 3 or 4 times a year, but not long-haul. ExW takes them long-haul several times a year... so she's the better parent? More particularly given she does absolutely nothing towards their education...

Why is my DP walking over me? He's responsible for the childcare, as well as I am. I do think he needs to grow a pair - but ultimately he wants to see his kids when he can. That's a good thing though, right?

He should have fixed times to see his children, so that you all know where you are and can make plans for all the other things life entails when they aren't there and give them your full attention when they are.

Yes, now that you put it like that, you're right. But he won't turn down a chance to see them, you see. Which is admirable as a father - but leaves him, and me, wide open for abuse of the situation.

Sigh. I really hope it gets better as time goes on. It creates such a massive amount of stress in already stressful lives...

Surely if he knew exactly when and where he was going to see them, he wouldn't have trouble turning down other opportunities? I think he has got himself into a terrible position of having no reliable timetable for seeing his children and so feels he needs to grab any opportunity he gets... and those opportunities therefore always meet the exW's immediate needs for childcare.

Tryingnottolosetemper (and all other sms who feel the same) I know exactly what you mean as I have been through that situation many many years ago, and my DPs ex wife was my best friend!! Things changed fairly rapidly though when I formed a relationship with her ex who she left for a younger man, and seemed happy in that relationship. There was 1 SD who I had known since she was born, but once we got together and I became the SM oh god did things change. I was young, and had my own kids, and money was tight. DP was a disneydad (wonderful description) we didn't have that term years ago. There were rows between me and my DP as he was also SF to one of my sons............I just thank god it is all well in the past and feel for you all going through this.

I think the 1st wife/partner is almost always going to be jealous of the 2nd wife/partner, and her emotions will overwhelm her; she probably has all sorts of fantasies about the "happy family" that you have and how hard done by she is. In many cases she will have no idea that there is tension and frustration for the 2ndwife/partner, and above all she probably hates the idea that you (the witch) in her eyes is parenting her children. She may well be finding all sorts of ways to stick her nose in your r/ship and try to grasp some sort of "ownership" of the ex, or maybe just to annoy you (though this may not be conscious).

I think all the posts talking of "rise above it" are quite right but this is easier said than done and the hurt, anger, frustration can cause untold emotional distress. I don't have any answers (maybe there should be a SMs club) and a 1st wife's club! If you could afford counselling, it would be a good way of getting it all out to someone neutral, failing that you could write things down in a journal to get it out of your head. I am doing that at the moment in relation to a family problem (won't go into it here) and I just type and type all my emotions and some pages are filled with HUGE CAPITAL LETTERS saying F...OFF! and other choice phrases filling the whole change. It stops me moaning to my DP quite so much.

How do I know what the 1st wife is feeling - well my DP's ex and me became friends again when the kids were all grown and she told me all the things that I have put in the para above, and we laughed and cried together. I had NO idea that she was thinking anyhting like that. It won't apply to everyone of course, but that was how it came out for us.

You could also write letters to the ex saying all the horrible hurtful things you want to say (and not send them of course)

Hope in years to come you can look back and think (like me) thank god it's all over...............

Me again! Sorry I just noticed the OP was called "How to detach" - I don't think that it is realistic to think in terms of detaching. Some of you have mentioned stomach problems and sadly all the pent up anger and frustration may well cause health problems (a pain in the neck is a pain in the heart) kind of notion.

If you think visually you could imagine the pain in your stomach as a big football rather than thinking of just kicking it out in one go (detaching) it may be more realistic to think in terms of the football over time becoming smaller - a smaller football, a ball the size of a large grapefruit, an orange sized ball, a tennis ball and a golf ball, a ping pong ball, maybe even smaller than that! I am just trying to say that I think the aim has to be to make this hurt anger frustration into something more manageable (both for your physical and mental health) rather than "detaching" - that may come a long way down the line, but not just now when the feelings are so raw.

Sorry if you don't think visually you may think I'm a bit off the wall but hope you get the idea. It just might work for you.

Thank you so much NanaNina and everyone else who has posted.

It's incredibly difficult, much more so than I had naively thought it would be. It's not sexual jealousy of her, or any of that nonsense - I would eat my own foot if DP had any of those feelings for her any more!

It's the rest of it.

The constant demanding of his time and money. The petty rules, the backbiting, the bitching... you know how it is.

I ALWAYS try and be the bigger person - but it takes a lot of effort.

As I said before though, having somewhere like this place to vent is a godsend. Although I always have to be careful and not tell the whole story in case she is a MNer . Now THAT would put the cat amongst the pigeons.......

Don't forget you can always PM someone - I don't think MNs mind about this and if they do, and don't reply then no problem really. Remember she is more threatened by you, than you are by her......I think there might be some useful books about now on step-parenting (you could look on Amazon or play.com) there was nothing around when I was going through this and without the help and support of my dearest friend who listened to me by the hour as I ranted and raved.