Flaming ungrateful step-daughter!!

[scotchmeg]

Hi there, this isn't so much a step problem as such, maybe more a general teenager one but I've made the mistake of posting elsewhere before about my DSD and got a massive flaming for being such a wicked stepmother, so I thought I'd post here where it's safer (looks around sheepishly)

So, my DSD lives with her dad and I 3/4 days a week (7 days out of 14) so she needs a proper warddrobe here rather than carry clothes to and fro. Most of the things we buy her end up straying back to her mum's never to see our door again but that is besides the point and something we're working on (any tips on this would be great!)

Despite us having DSD 50/50, DP pays way over the odds for CM which I suspect is why we have a problem with clothing for DSD whereby he is loath to spend a lot of her as he is already paying out so much.

We have had several conversations where I have explained to him that the fact is, he chooses to pay over the odds. And that is not DSD's fault. As such he just has to swallow the fact that he has to kind of pay for her twice. i.e. once for things at her mum's and once for things at ours. He does get it, he's not a cruel person... but for whatever reason we always end up in a situation where DSD needs things, and he is reluctant to buy.

So that's the background. Anyway, what usually happens is that come a new season, (DSD is 13 and growing like a weed so needs new things all the time!) I notice she needs new clothes and ask her to come up with a list of things she needs (either by herself or we do it together) so that I can take her shopping. This is out of my own pocket and so not something I am obliged to do (DP and I keep our finances seperate). I explain that it is about getting her a new wardrobe of sensible things that she can mix and match and that will get her through the season.
What I want her to think is; "that's kind, SM doesn't have to do that for me but she cares about me and wants me to feel at home so has offered to take me shopping. I'll do as she says and think of a way to spend her money wisely, oh and I should probably say 'thank you' too"
What i actually get every time (and.I.never.learn) is something like what I got this morning on text

Me: Good morning gorgeous, it's getting really cold and you'll need a new wardrobe here. Can you have a little think and put together a list of things you need - you know the drill, not one off expensive thinks that don't go with anything, but some sensible stuff that will see you through the cold winter. If you can show me that you can be sensible then I'd love for us to go on a girlie shopping trip at the end of the month and i'll get it all for you xxx"
DSD: "can we get it all from Hollister?"
Me: "haha you're funny"
DSD "I don't see why we can't?"
Me:"because a jumper in Hollister is about £60 and you need a whole wardrobe, not just one jumper"
DSD: "Will you at least think about it?"

and so on and so on.... so I am left feeling like my offer has been thrown back in my face and isn't good enough for her. We will now get locked in to tense negotiations, I'll be bombarded by emails with links to Hollister this and that, her mum will be on the phone saying that if I pay for half of a Hollister jumper for her, she'll pay for the other half... DSD will eventually agree to give in and we'll go shoppoing for the "sensible" wardrobe but the trip will turn out to be a ruse to get me to go to Hollister where she'll beg and plead with me and eventually I'll tell her she's a spoilt brat and sulk off home.
On occassion it will result in me giving in and buying an item for her, feeling really good about it because i know how much she wanted it, and then watching her forget all about it 2 seconds later, start asking for something else, take the item to her mum's and leave it there and we're back to square one with nothing for her to wear when she's here.

This is what always happens. Why do i get involved???!!! And most importantly, now that i've started it all up again, how do I stop it in it's tracks before it gets out of hand?

I can't get over how spoilt she is. I would be mortified if my DD treated her step mum in this way. I know a certain amount of it is about being a teenager, but I have spoken to my mum and she said that I was always grateful when I was bought or offered something. I can remember going shopping with my mum and longing to go to the more expensive shops but pretending to be sooo grateful for the top from C&A (what ever happened to C&A..?) thats he got for me.

Thanks MJ - i'll be back I'm sure [hgrin]

Oh god, just had a cursory glance at the Hollister wesite and there's a cracking Xmas jumper that I want for myself [hgrin] [hgrin]

i can't though, can I?

Hya just a little note to say Im a step-mum too & I totally see where you are coming from after all offering to take her out & kit her out is a great thing & I would have loved that when I was a teenager........but.....I have slowly come to the conclusion that no matter how good your intentions are you may never be given the respect or appreciation we SMs deserve :( !!

Keep smiling hunny You sound like a lovely caring SM its a tricky situation & I send you big hugs [hsmile]

Thanks sparkleflower - nothing like MN to make you realise you're not alone!

Totally agree with MJ. Give her the money and let her get on with it. Whatever you buy and whatever you spend, it will disappear and she will decide she needs more, she is using you and you are allowing her to do so. She will only treat you with respect if you show her you expect it. She is a teenager, she has a lot to learn, don't expect her to know how to be respectful.

My DP spends far too much IMO on clothes for DSC which too get taken to mums lost and DP rushes out to replace. DP pays over the odds maintenance, dishes out £10 notes like they're going out of fashion if the little darlings go to a friends for tea (in case they need something) despite them having part time jobs and pays for half the school uniform (none of which is allowed to stay at our house but only ever gets washed at ours!) and also provides a huge wardrobe of whatever they want. I will give them their due and they don't want designer stuff, but even so.

DS lives in his cousins hand me downs and a few items from George, Primark, H and M etc. DSS refuses to wear any of DS hand me downs and DP allows this as he doesn't want his children to "look poor".

I'm with your husband and I think you should be supporting him. If you do, then DSD learns a lesson which will make her a better individual, DH will feel supported and you won't feel used. Win win for everyone.

You're absolutely right Redhen. But I don't feel that DSD should be punished for the fact that her dad chooses to pay more maintenance than he should. It would be horrid to spend half of your time living somewhere but not have any belongings there..

Although, it doesn't have to be like that. I have offered to make sure she does have things here and she has thrown it back in my face. Maybe she's just not that bothered about it and just wants to lay her hands on the most expensive stuff she can. She has no concept of what it means to work for a living.

Her mum gets CM, CB, TC, free school lunches, no council tax and works a measley few hours a week. Yet she has nice clothes, a nice house and 2/3 holidays a year. A perfect example in manipulating the most money you possibly can, by doing the least you possibly can. And my partner enables this It's no wonder really that DSD thinks she can also get people to spend their hard earned money on her.
I guess i just feel sorry for her and want for her to be a better person. Although i can see now that buying things for her maybe isn't the way to go.

Scotch,

You're a nice person, trying to do the right thing in a difficult situation - like so many of us step mums.

Personally I think your DP should pay less maintenance and provide more clothes but that is his choice. If both her parents aren't bothered by her lack of clothes, then why should you be?

Don't take responsibility for something that isn't your place to take the responsibiliy. Detach detach detach.

Bloody hard though isn't it?

Well said, redhen and MJ!

We have DSD and DSS all the time, so I don't have the 'other household' issue to deal with. But we have pretty much resolved the clothing issues in our house by setting a reasonable level of pocket money, and making it clear that extras have to come out of that or as holiday gifts. Ditto if they want fancy labels. DSS recently spent £100 of his saved up money at Hollister....we'd never have bought him that, but it was 'his' money, so fair enough. We buy them shoes, socks, underwear, and basic jeans and tshirts, but we are tight about it. We have to be, for one thing!

I really believe that you have to just set a limit (whatever is fair in regards to the other kids and also in line with your income realistically) and absolutely stick to it. It sounds like your DSD has a real sense of entitlement, and that would concern me even if you could afford to keep buying her what she wants.

If she ends up with 'nothing to wear' a few times, that will get the point across more effectively than anything else. Stick to it!

As for hiding things that you've bought for yourself? Or listening to her whinge when you have nicer things than she does? I would not stand for that for a second. Explain to her that adults work and therefore can buy themselves nice things. And that when she's an adult and supporting herself, you hope she'll have enough disposable income to treat herself to something nice once in a while.

I think all you can do is be firm, but you have to get your DH on side. He then must appreciate that she has everything she needs - generously so (the list above is for my DD - she doesnt get a second set of clothes from anyone, so the qtys above are for 7days a week.)

Id buy a really cheap and child like tracksuit and put it in her cupboard. Then if she doesnt bring her clothes over, she has something hideous warm to wear. She will soon learn to bring stuff she needs.

Dont be mad at her for being a teenager and wanting to look nice. Thats what they do.

But I think treating her like a teen is the way to go. She gets pocket money and a clothing allowance, so apart from basic toiletries, she needs nothing. Then occasionally reward her with a teen magazine, a new eye liner, some nice body wash, chocolate...

Rewards and treats dont have to break the bank to say you care. Maybe your DH needs to accept this too.

Thanks brdgirl, redhen (I guess I am a nice person ha ha).

hatti - If I give DSD 50p to go to the shop and get a choccie bar, she'll ask for an extra 50p so she can get a large bar. No lie, that is the immediate response that will come from her mouth.

I bought her a £26 make up brush a few months back (I know, I know) because we'd walked through MAC and the guy showed her a couple of things. It was a nice moment and I throught "ahh, bless, I'll treat her" while I was still paying at the till she had skipped off and was looking at lipstick on another counter. As I approached she looked directly at me, grabbed the bag with the brush in, and asked for the lipstick.

"Dont be mad at her for being a teenager and wanting to look nice. Thats what they do" This is the problem, because of all the negativity, I think that when she id just being a noraml teenager, I blow it out of proportion.

Have spoken to DP for advice and he is embarassed by her behaviour. He said to retract the offer and we will both give her a list (as below) so she can go out and decide how to spend it.

Three years ago now, I went on my first holiday with DP and the kids. We went to the States. (Phew - whole trip was a total shocker and a wake-up-call!)

I went with now-DSD (13 then) to the Sephora store. I wanted to do something nice and treat her to some 'grown-up' makeup at the fancy AMerican store...when I was 13 I was pleased to get Maybelline from Woolworths, you know, so I thought it would be a special treat.

Ha! She was so blase about it all. I bought her one thing...then she filled a basket and handed it to DP, who paid for it. I was stunned and sooooooo annoyed. I can't afford makeup like that!

Discovered soon enough that the whole idea of 'grown-up treats' was ridiculous, because DisneyDad (and other relatives engaging in pity-driven present buying) had been basically buying DSD anything she wanted for the last couple of years and treating her like a mini-adult anyway, so it was not 'special'. He's stopped doing as much of that. But she still doesn't really appreciate things, or have that sense of magic that you get the first time you do something in a 'grown-up way'.

sorry, my rant over!

I sooo know how you feel brdgrrl. For me it's more her mum than her dad. I once took her to have her nails done in a salon, for the first time. She went along with it all but didn't seem particularly grateful or actually say thank you... it then emerged that she'd let me think it was the first time so she could have it but actually her mum takes her all the time.

What a mug!

I'm also bothered by Xmas. In our house when i was growing up it was all nudges and winks and "maybe santa will get that for you if your good" surprise presents (some of which were crap but always got a big fake smile and hug - thanks grandma) but DSD asks around about the start on November. Usually at some point over my Birthday weekend. How much money she can have for Xmas. And then sends a list of links on email over to both parents so they can order what she wants. Come Xmas morning she knows exactly what's in there.
Last year i got her some surprises for her stocking and she asked if I still had the receipts so she could exchange them.

ooh, that's the same here at xmas and birthdays! no surprises...and they want (and get, but not from me!) cash instead of gifts...and there is something very calculated about the whole thing.

You are going wrong with the "two wardrobes". She only needs one, and her things need to travel back and forth.

scotchmeg, she does have an entitled thing going on, doesnt she :( Poor you.

Reading through your posts, what comes across is that sense of bewilderment and sadness.....I wanted to reassure you that mums of teens ALL feel like this at times - thats mums and step mums. You are doing great, and you should not beat yourself up about this, as you are being played by a very entitled young lady. Its OK to be the bad guy sometimes. I am the bad guy at least 5x a week. I accept that. I am also the one she runs to when she has problems with her mates or when she needs a hug, or when she has a math test (yeah...dunno about that either!!)

I would strongly recommend giving your SD pocket money monthly, directly into a bank account. My DD gets £35.

Then repeat after me..." You want x?...You'll have to use your pocket money" . "You want to go to the movies? Thats why we give you pocket money".

Do not give her money for anything else...not phone, not chocolate, not bus fare. Be firm. ALso, make her work for her money. SHe can clean the kitchen, walk the dog, def. keep her room clean and tidy. No work, bad attitude, poor school work - deduct pocket money.

I think she is in that horrible teen stage, where empathy is in short supply. Id be tempted not to do stockings this Christmas. When she asks why, say "well you were so ungrateful and rude last year, I guessed you had outgrown the whole fun side of Christmas. So I didn't bother." You could just hand her a wodge of cash on Christmas morning and nothing else - "Its just what I asked for but not what I want"

I am evil mummy mum!

Congratulations. You're parenting is so good she's treating you like a mother rather than a stepmother. Teenagers are ungrateful, label obsessed brats at times.

She's taking the piss! She's getting whatever she can out of you because she knows you want to keep on her good side so she doesn't cause trouble or fall out with you. I know because I used to do the exact same thing at about 13 whenever my dad took me out after my parents split up. I would ask for stuff I didn't even care that much about, just to see if he'd give in for a quiet life. I grew out of behaving like such an absolute cowbag after a while, but it sounds like she's asking for much more expensive stuff than I ever did.

Hi Scotchmeg, something you said earlier resonated with me. We had a lot of hassle around the 13/14 yr old mark with DSD and clothes etc. In the end we did what you suggested to your DP - He carried on giving DSD Mum maintenance, but we opened a bank account for DSD and put £100 a month in it as pocket money/clothes money etc.

When you suggested it to DP was it that you suggested cutting the mum's money to give some to DSD? When we tried that DSD mum went ballistic, so we gave up on the idea, then over time I realised that I was easily spending £100 over and above that whenever DSD visited, plus she always came to us without any cash at all, no spends, no pocketmoney. I was slipping her a tenner here and there all the time it seemed and I started to resent it

So, off my own back, I took DSD to the bank and opened an account. Told her that I would put £100 in it at the start of every month, but that it had to last her the month - if she came to see us without any money I wouldn't be giving her more. If she wanted expensive clothes / make-up / whatever then she bought it herself. I would continue to get her the little things (hairspray, smellies etc - when I wanted to), but I wouldn't be buying Jack Wills shite, when my own DD made do with George!

She was typical sulky shitty teen about it at first, but 2 years on it's all good.

We still get unreasonable requests (A Flat Screen TV for her bedroom....yeah right) but TBH most of these come from her mum, DSD knows better.

If you think about it, the stuff that you are buying her now...well how much does that cost you? Would it be easier to do what I did?

Across both my DP and I think we spend around £200 on odds and sods for her a month. So yes, it would be easier. But we have expereimented with different amounts of pocket money and what ever she is given burns a hole and she spends it in two seconds flat then comes back asking for more... and dp gives in. i.e. trips to the cinema, trains to see friends, lunch out in town etc etc. If I opened a bank account for her and put in £100 a month, she would spend it it one fell swoop, take all the stuff to her mums and i would acheive nothing.
Sorry to poo poo your advice it has obviously worked for you which is great. I suppose it's all about finding our own individual solutions.

bonsoir how would that work? on a thursday she will be picked up from school and not go back to her mum's again until Sunday night... I couldn't ask her to lug 4 days clothes and supplied to school and back to her mum's every time - that seems incredibly cruel. And then how would I continue the line of "this is your home as much as it is ours and my DD's" oh, but you won't have any clothes here...

scotchmeg - well, we've been doing 50:50 residence with split weeks for the DSSs for seven years and we've always managed it because it is a lot cheaper to chauffeur suitcases around than to buy double wardrobes (and, IME, it sends a much better message to the children!).

So do they take all their things to school with them then? And what does their room look like with no clothes in? Do you send the things back unwashed to the other parent? I'm curious as to how it all works.

Looking back ,I think it was DPs intention for DSD to have all her things at her mum's and to bring things back and fore.
But when we moved in together I couldn't bear to see her room completely bare and my DD's romm next door chcok a block with htings. It was like DSD was a visitor in her own home. The other problem was that she would arrive form her mum's with only one outfit for an entire 4 days.
So I instigated the need to have clothes at our house too.

Maybe DP is pissed off with me then

shit typing there, sorry!