This isn't my crap to deal with.

[theredhen]

I'm having more and more days feeling just fed up and lethargic.

Fed up with;

the incessant nasty, controlling e-mails sent by the ex.
DP arguing with her, then doing exactly as she wants
the step kids lying and manipulating and me always having to watch what I say or what I do because all hell breaks loose when tales get told to Mum.
Step kids getting away with blue murder because DP frightened they might not like him.
Not sleeping through the stress, feeling like death warmed up so much of the time.
My work is suffering
Feeling like my life is on hold and I am waiting for DP and his ex to decide what I can and can't do.
Feeling like everyone wants a piece of me, DP wants my attention all the time
Going out to places I would have loved to have gone to in the past, now the thought of taking 5 kids fills me with dread.
Not being able to even sit next to or stand next to DP for 5 minutes without DSD8 insisting she sits/stands in between and DP allowing it.
Trying to make my home feel like my home and having SC disrespect it and nothing is said.
Going to court for consistent access which will only mean minimum contact is regained and of course, ex wife can then push kids onto us more than court says and DP will agree whether he is around to look after them or not.
Often not literally getting 30 seconds alone with my DS from Friday afternoon to Tuesday afternoon as DSC all have to cling to him because they're incapable of entertaining themselves.

There is soooooo much more, many of you will have read it all in my past posts.

DP tries to make nice times for us and yes, we go away for weekends and we go out for dinners etc but I am now finding I am even spending those times dreading the next weekend, e-mail, text message, school holiday etc. which detracts from the nice time we are supposed to be having. Most of the conversations we have while we are away revolve around his kids/ex anyway. Not even sure DP and I have a decent relationship away from the kids because we never seem to be able to talk about anything else.

Normal life for DS and I is on hold while Dp and ex fight and manipulate each other and the kids. Vast majority of instigation is done by ex but it's how DP reacts that stresses me out.

I know I need to leave and try to think about how and when but I am so stressed, tired and overwhelmed with day to day stuff, I just don't feel like I have the energy to put things into practice.

I am scared DP will turn nasty and kick us out before I can get my house back from the tenants or that he won't let me take my possessions and furniture and I really haven't got the money to start again. Dp earns 6 times more than me.

I want to concentrate on getting my life back, my peaceful, controlled home life, my career to move forward rather than stagnate and to help DS grow into a lovely young man with the world at his feet. I want to concentrate on him and on me, not spend 99% of my life worrying about everyone else.

I have feelings of regret that I have spent these years with a man who at best has a "non relationship" with DS and I keep thinking I could have had another child of my own with someone who would have had a good relationship with DS too but know now that I am too late to find someone else for that.

I would love to go back to my old home and "date" DP again as I do love him and think that he is a pretty good guy really and maybe I would behave as he does if I was in his position, I don't know. Can't see DP wanting us to live apart though so I am pretty certain he will rush out and go find another mug lady to be Julie Andrews.

Not sure what response I want, did think about putting this in relationships and then maybe I would get a bit of practical advise but I know I will get shouted down for being a witch to the step kids. You know all I really want is a "normal" life not just for me and DS but for DSC too.

When you were listing down those things you are fed up with I could honestly have ticked off almost every one as having felt exactly the same.

Things have got better for us, the SC are teenagers now, - almost adults. DH is better at telling ex where to get off when she over steps the mark through her desire to control our lives.

The SSs are still very inconsiderate towards me and our young children but I do think that most teenagers are rather self centred like that. I do still end up walking behind DH when we are out because the boys are stuck either side of him like two giant bookends. At least I have our two walking along with me.

I don't know what to say though, it sounds so desperately sad that you feel you want to leave, though you still love DP. But he ultimately needs to realise that although he thinks he's doing what he does for a 'quiet life' with his ex he is risking losing you. Does he have any idea you're on the verge of leaving? - Could it make him realise where his priorities should lie?

I'm so sorry redhen, you sound very unhappy and that's no way to have to live your life - for you or DS. Is there any light at the end of the tunnel for you though, - can you see things improving, way ahead even?

Didn't want to read and run.

I don't know what to say really, other than you will find heaps of support on here. I'm only an occaisional poster, but serial lurker and have read several of your posts in the past. I can really relate to some of the things you say and that feeling of helplessness is overwhelming at times.

I get by, through holding on to the good times, appreciating my DP for the great things he does, and trying to forgive the bits that grate! He's only human and in quite an impossible position. I can only see things becoming more complex with the arrival of our first baby next year, but I'm determined to make it work because we love each other.

Just remember, this board can be a real life saver - even just venting in a ranty post every now and again makes me feel heaps better!

[hsad] for you, but hoping you feel better soon.

Bread x

I didn't want to read and run either. And while I don't have any magic words of advice to offer, I just wanted to send you some moral support.

I know how hard you've tried to make the situation more sensible (or at least a bit less insane), and I know that your best efforts haven't worked.

If you can't change a situation, and for what it's worth I honestly think you've tried everything, then you have to change the way you think about it (assuming you want to stay). Is there any way you could accept that life will be like this for the next 5+ years, and hold out for that? It must be incredibly hard when you can't see the light at the end of tunnel, but it's clear that you do love your DP.

I still think you'd be better off staying together but living apart, but I also understand that your DP might not want that, and would therefore end the relationship. And there's bound to be SOME ONE out there (although god knows who) that would be prepared to play Mrs Doubtfire in return for a roof over her head.

Please keep posting, we feel your pain.

I know it's not the done thing here but you so sound like you need a hug - at the very least, so here you are (((()))) !!

The thing which always gets me about all of your posts is how overwhelmed you are by it all - which is hardly surprising. Suffocated, let down, undermined, pushed aside also come to mind. I get the impression that when the skids aren't around your DP is good company and an attentive partner, but if they are around - or need ferrying about - then you may as well not exist. It also seems to me that DS simply doesn't exist within your DP's idea of family - he seems very much on the periphery of things, and that always makes me feel sad as it must also be overwhelming for him with 4 of "them" and just 1 of him (obviously you know that). Personally, I don't think it'd be enough for me to have a lovely partner when it suits him (and you don't even have regular times to look forward to or make plans for because skids are liable to turn up in varying numbers at any moment, and DP drops everything) but be practically invisible (except as cook, cleaner and childminder) at other times. It's as if you live your whole life in limbo waiting for some crumbs to be thrown your way and you deserve more than that .... as does DS.

It worries me that you think DP might get nasty if you were to lay it on the line about leaving ... even if it were to live apart but be together IYKWIM. Sorry to say, I truly believe that some divorced men with kids aren't altogether honest (with themselves as much as anything) when it comes to forming new relationships and that at least part of their motivation is getting another pair of adult hands on board to make their lives easier practically. From all you've written I can't help but feel your DP probably falls into this category. Without a doubt you make his job of caring for so many demanding kids (and his ex's job !) a LOT easier and whilst this is true of any couple getting together when they have kids I think the devil is in the detail and it's all about his attitude .... if he was appreciative of all you do it'd be different. If he discussed stuff with you before agreeing to it rather than presenting it as a fait accompli, it'd be different. If he ensured that you and DS had time alone together every so often by taking his kids off out on his own it'd be different. If he applied consistent discipline to all the kids and ensured that your home was respected it'd be different. But unless my memory fails, he rarely does anything like that and again, IIRC, he's been quite resistant to the idea of you and DS having decent quality 1 to 1 time together as if you're asking for something unreasonable. With all that in mind, I suspect that yes, it's possible he could get nasty at the thought of you no longer being around 24/7 because all of a sudden the support system he takes for granted (IMO) will be gone. I've read about other women who were in a similarly put upon position to you whose partners reacted very spitefully when they proposed changes which would have made things fairer.

If I were you I'd not give him advance warning TBH (I'm sure I've read lots of stuff from you about your relationship previously - it doesn't seem to me that DP is oblivious of your feelings, just that he's chosen to ignore them). I'd set in motion what I needed to do about getting my tenants to leave so that I was in control when it came to announcing I was going, i.e. there'd then be no chance I'd be homeless. As for possessions, I wouldn't hesitate in calling the police and asking them to accompany me to collect these if things turned nasty ... am not sure they'd always do this but it's not unheard of. However, at worst, I'd rather have peace of mind and my own roof than remain in a sitaution which was affecting my mental health.

Thing is ...... you're clearly very unhappy with the way things are, and that's no good for DS either. I know it must be scary, sad and disappointing to contemplate leaving and feel you've somehow "failed" but I think you can hold your head very high indeed and know that you've gone above and beyond the call of duty trying to blend this family. You can only do so much on your own though and I really don't think your DP has put as much effort into this as you have. If you do leave, you can put the ball in his court and explain you'd still like to see him but that the current living arrangements are just too much .... you just can't live in a perpetual whirl of uncertainty and jumble (because him and his ex can't sort themselves out). If he then chooses to end the relationship altogether I think that although it'd be painful you'd at least know then exactly where you stood and how committed he was to you as an individual, as opposed to a housekeeper. I should imagine though that once you and DS were back in your own space that it's going to feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders and maybe then it'll be you calling time on all this because you'd rather not sit around waiting to be squeezed in between all the other demands on his time. Alternatively of course, you actually going could be a real eye opener for him ... he might just be honest with himself for once and realise that if he wants you - or any other self respecting woman - he needs to put his life in order and show due respect and consideration to ALL the people in it - not just the ones who emotionally blackmail, shout the loudest etc. Who knows what'll happen, but - and I really do apologise if I'm speaking out of turn because the very last thing I want to do is upset you more - I think that to remain as you are is a nervous breakdown waiting to happen.

BTW, I bet you wouldn't behave as he does in his position .... I bet you'd be far less selfish and a lot more honest. I suspect you'd either think "my life is too hectic and it wouldn't be fair to involve someone else in it" and you wouldn't seek out a so-called serious relationship at all, or alternatively, you'd think "I'd really like a relationship but before I do that I need to think long and hard about setting boundaries for my ex so my new partner isn't bottom of the heap". I bet you'd also set consistent boundaries and discipline for your kids no matter how many you had because that's how you speak about your DS. Anyway, that's by the by ..... FWIW I think you will feel so much better if you and DS leave, and creating a peaceful home environment for the pair of you is what's most important. If the relationship is meant to be it'll fit in with that, and if not, when the time is right, and if you want to you'll be free to begin a new relationship with someone who respects both you and your son.

Catsmother, that's a SUPERB post.

Oh my. I am very grateful for the replies and a bit overwhelmed by catsmother reply. You have kind of summed everything up and said it exactly how it is. Yes, DP is a good partner but I feel he is a bit "needy" and I seem to feel guilty doing anything for myself that doesn't involve him. He wants me involved with the kids and doesn't leave everything to me at all but I am so often left in the home with the kids while he is out with one kid or with work that I feel "abandoned" when the kids arrive. I don't want his attention all the time but it is just two vast extremes from 1 kid to 5 kids. He is very needy when it comes to his kids, even admitting the other day that he is fighting for his kids because he wants to see them not because they have a right to see him. He even thinks if it goes to court, that DSC will choose to not come here as often.

This isn't the first time I have felt like this. I was with someone a few years ago who seemed to make me feel that I was making a fuss over nothing and that everything was fine and my "feelings" were only "feelings" and I should just get on with it. He seemed to get everything he wanted, while I felt pushed aside.

I have been honest with DP about what went on within that relationship and how hurt I was. I honestly believe I was at the hands of an emotional abuser. I fortunately never lived with him though. When DP and I rowed recently he told me that he thinks I "am incapable of holding down a relationship" because I am unhappy (as I was before). I think that was a very low thing to say.

My marriage broke up because I "outgrew" my husband. I never felt controlled and pushed aside by him although we obviously had issues. So when DP said that I have clung onto the memory that my marriage was good for years before we broke up and I have happy memories.

I think I am a bit of a "people pleaser" and not one to make a fuss. I was taught to put other people before myself and to be polite and kind. I think this is my biggest downfall and one I thought I had overcome when I was single.

You know I have read a lot from ex wife about how cruel, violent and abusive she says DP was in their marriage. Although DP is stubborn and closed when it comes to seeing my side, he has never been violent or aggressive. However, I have never stopped him having what he wants have I?

My home is full of DP's ex wifes stuff. She hardly took a thing, just clothes and a few bits of furniture. DP told me she never we wanted it but I have read correspondence from her asking for her things (including stuff for the kids). He says she left and then after a period of time asked for the stuff then (about the time he found out about her affair) and he refused to give it to her because he needed stuff for the kids too. So, this is where my fear of leaving comes in. I have my whole home in his home (some got thrown away as did some of his stuff). How on earth do I get it out if he won't let me. How on earth can I afford to set up home again? What if I can't even get DS's stuff out? Makes me very upset thinking about it.

I really do appreciate how upsetting it is to contemplate starting again - and maybe right from scratch. However, if he was to behave as you fear you need to ask what's most important - peace of mind or "stuff". There isn't any contest. You could perhaps start to remove - and home with a friend - precious/vital stuff like photos, legal docs etc., and I think that were it to come down to him refusing to hand over DS's things you'd stand a very good chance of the police helping you as he couldn't possibly have any claim on that. At that point I think Women's Aid would also be able to advise you what to do.

Imagine you've given your tenants notice and they've left - you've planned to leave 3 days later say .... you borrow some friends and their large car/van - whatever - and you just go. How could he actually stop you without turning very nasty indeed - in front of other people - and if he tried, you call the police. Okay - big items might be harder to take easily but the same principle applies ... and any shortfall in furniture can be made up gradually as you find your feet. Freecycle is great for getting decent bits and pieces ... the important thing was you'd be away from all that.

Redhen, I think most of us can relate to your post however we don't have 4 SC so your situation is amplified.

Sometimes the positives are outweighed by the negatives..if that happens you will feel drained and of course unhappy. Your DP should care about your feelings and he shouldn't minimise or invalidate those feelings.

Maybe having access to your place would help you feel more secure - how would your DS cope with the change?

I think you've already had some fantastic advice, and I don't think I have much more to add, except that I really feel for you. It must be so hard to go from contemplating leaving, to actually making it happen. But if, in your heart of hearts, you know that the life you could forge for you and your DS away from your DP would be better for you than what you have now...I really hope you find the strength to make that change. I'm a big fan of writing things down and making lists - have you tried writing down all the little things you'd need to do and take care of in order to get away with everything as you need it to be? And the things you need to do to make those things happen, and a rough timescale? Why don't you start from there, and see how things go.

On a side note, I am definitely not part of the "leave him, he's a bastard!" brigade, but it does worry me that you seem scared of your DP not letting you go or not letting you have your stuff, or getting nasty about the whole thing. I know these must all seem like tempting reasons to just stay and take the path of least resistance, but to me they are just more reasons you should leave. If you're scared of him and his temper...that's just not right IMO.

Best of luck for what you decide to do next, please keep us updated.

Redhen
You must put your own child first its as simple as that I almost neglected my own in favour of my DP daughter as I felt he needed help but almost all of my advice on parenting her fell on deaf ears and I was left doing the housework, shopping etc etc ad infinitum thankfully I still had my own house and retreated back to calm and back as a mother in my own right to my own children, there are still times when I seeth with rage when I see how just how disney he can be with her but its not my problem and its only for a few more years. I have the choice as to how much contact I have with them both together (in fact its very little)
I do think your DP needs a shock and your moving out might make him realise not only how much he needs you but how much he has taken you for granted tell him you can't take any more, living seperately does work if you both want it to and it will give you the space and time for your own child without the influence of 'bad vibes'
big hugs

Redhen, if your DP really loves you, he'll want to see you even if you live apart. If he won't continue the relationship under separate roofs, then that speaks for itself. I really feel for you, I couldn't cope with your situation either, and I would love to see you in a happier situation.

hey redhen, i feel the same way about the ex issue's and we have only just started to live together the difference is my dp is trying to change the way he reacts to her and make her home life better. sounds to me like your dp is marginalizing you and your ds needs.
i now see how easy it is to get all caught up in the domestic drama of the the ex and if my dp wasnt at least trying we would have no future and if there were no changes we would have no future. i cant live like that i dont think anyone should have to live like that. second guessing yourself and rationalizing their behavior.
your dp needs a wake up call you most definitely deserve better my lovely.

Part of me thinks that if Redhen did move out, it would give her DP the shock of his life, and then maybe he'd raise his game. However it's very easy for me to sit here and suggest she takes that gamble, whereas Redhen would have to deal with the reality of that.

It's really hard for any of us to see into someone else's life properly based on what really amounts to written snapshots. However, she seems so unhappy such a lot of the time, and I can't imagine the current set up is the best for her son either. I recall (I think) a thread in which she was trying to negotiate some one to one time occasionally with her son, but her DP was really resistant to that. Can't remember the ins and outs but it struck me then that he got his way all the time with his kids (plural) yet Redhen didn't have anywhere near the same level of equality or consideration. I personally feel this should be about Redhen's DS firstly .... is he happy and thriving in the current set-up ? Obviously it doesn't seem his mum is, and it'd be a miracle if he wasn't adversely affected too. Redhen is "at least" lucky in that she does have somewhere to return to, albeit that there are practicalities with tenants and furniture to sort out, but undeniably having your own place is a great position to be in if you're contemplating a fresh start.

Question is, if RH and DS moved out, what, exactly is the gamble they'd be taking ? Would they be unhappier on their own compared to the current situation ? .... okay, RH is bound to feel sad and upset if DP wants to end things completely, that's only natural, but speaking frankly, we all know that in time we get over breakups though admittedly they can be a horrid thing to go through. I think RH would have to keep reminding herself of DS's happiness if not her own, if she ends up struggling emotionally and telling herself that moving out was best for him. Her choices after all seem to be stay as she is - where both she and DS are unhappy (and where all previous attempts to thrash this out fairly to everyone's satisfaction haven't worked), or, leave, in which case DP either does or doesn't finish the relationship for good (assuming of course Redhen herself doesn't finish it for good when she goes). If DP does want to continue in some way then all well and good, but even if he doesn't I still think that result would be better than waiting around for things to change in the current household with what's left of DS's childhood slipping away year on year.

I just think Redhen - and her son - deserve so much more than DP seems prepared to give her. It is almost as if she's had to sacrifice most of her own needs and wants in order to give DP what he wants.

I suppose there are two main issues for me;

The first is simply that DP has FOUR kids who live with us a good percentage of the time. I will never understand why anyone would want so many children. I feel that everyone has to compromise and no-one gets any special attention or time to themselves. It makes it hard to socialise as adults, creates lots of work and costs so much money. Now this is the bit that I knew I would find difficult and had an open mind about how much it would affect me and DS. I do find it hard and take away the other issues, I still think I would struggle and this is where I find myself giving myself a hard time because "you knew what you were getting into" and "there are others who COULD cope with this". This is when I am stubborn and tell myself I "should" be able to deal with this and I am strong etc. I can't help thinking if I was a "bigger personality" I could just get on with it instead of quietly seething or coming on here to vent. I am a quiet, reserved person who does likes to have fun and good company but also likes quiet, peaceful, relaxing time.

The second major issue is the ex wife and the arguing and the disney parenting. I had no idea of the sort of impact this would have on me. I didn't think it would affect me at all and when you don't spend 24/7 with someone you don't see the bad parenting because you assume (wrongly) things are dealt with in quiet times when you aren't around. You also don't get the kids worst behaviour because they know you are a "visitor".

As for how DS feels, its not always easy to gauge. I know he likes having the company of the kids and will ask when they are coming next. He also "shows off" his big home, loves to talk to his friends about DP's job in a proud way and generally seems pretty content. (Its worth mentioning that DSC are extremely negative about DP's job and show no interest whatsoever) However, he does also say that he has dreams at night about his old bedroom and our house. He says sometimes he looks around his room and says it doesn't feel like his old room and not really "his", despite all his old stuff around him and the room being similar size. He talks about the kids negatively if I point out unacceptable behaviour in them to him. I always say that I have high expectations of him and that is why sometimes he is treated differently. He told me the other day that I should just accept that they are "not very nice people". He says he can't understand why they come here as they are so negative and says he gets annoyed with them when they lie to DP and get him into trouble through their Mum. On a practical level he also knows that he would have better social life as his friends would be able to come round and knock for him and that can never happen here. He also realises that he has to get up earlier here and gets home later because of how far away we are here.

When I think about the future, I don't see a time when DSC are off hand and scattered across the country / globe. I see 4 needy adults living on the doorstep and in our home all the time. This is exactly what DP does with his parents as does his sibling, they see their parents nearly every day. They all live within a few houses of each other and DP has already said he doesn't want his kids to go too far. I have visions of him arguing with his ex over the grandkids. Grandkids being dumped at our house while DP is out and I am trying to enjoy my well earned retirement.

I want to think about travelling, taking up a new hobby and spending time with MY grandchildren, if I am lucky enough to have them. If I feel outnumbered now, how will I feel then?

Since we had the rows discussions about me not getting any 1 to 1 time with DS, things HAVE been better. However, this is because a. my ex has been seeing DS less, so we have had weekends with me when he should have been with his Dad and also because when DP has made suggestions for the holiday contact to his ex, he has tried to fit it around my time with DS and fortunately ex wife has agreed to his suggestions. However, if she hadn't agreed and tried to say the only time he could have them would include my day off with DS, would he have argued it with her, would he have pushed for another time and said he simply couldn't have them on that day and risked losing a day out of the several he would have had? So I can't really say that HE has improved. The SITUATION has improved in that respect but is it down to him? DP does help out with the practicalities when kids are here. He does help out with some of the running around for DS (which wouldn't be needed if we lived in our own home), he is nowhere near as bad as some when it comes to disney parenting but I think because it's magnified by 4, is why I find it hard. You walk out of one room and see kids misbehaving or manipulating and walk straight into another room to see another one doing something similar. DP doesn't get that with me only having one child. He does try to argue that he has as much to put up with as I do, and it's only because his ex is terrible that things are harder for him.

I am not scared of DP but I do realise that people change when things don't go the way they want them to. My ex husband was thoroughly horrid to me when we split despite having been incredibly laid back all our married life. It doesn't help when you read time and time again in e-mails and letters from ex wife that my DP was violent when he split with her.. She lies and manipulates the truth regularly but that doesn't stop me from wondering.

Since I posted the OP, I do feel a bit better. I am really imagining the possibility of leaving and thinking about the practicalities. I have started to put a few things in place for when/if I go. I feel a bit more in control of my own destiny again.

We are still waiting for relationship counselling and I'm even lying awake at night going through in my head what I want to say to the counsellor. I feel quite negative about the future so wonder if there is really much point although I have paid for the first session now. I am also a bit concerned how the court would view me walking out when DP takes his ex to court although I know ultimately he would just have to deal with it and could make it sound positive for the kids.

I am by nature a terrible procrastinator. Always frightened of making the wrong decision. I am going to spend time really imagining the worst possible scenario and how I could cope with that and also to imagine a way of finding the life I want. I think when I have a clear vision, I can move forward without being scared.

Like others, I don't have a magic wand I'm afraid. But I have felt all of the things that you listed at one time or another too.
Something that DP and I have instigated is "ex free Wednesday" Wednesday is the night we don't have either child with us and we always try to do something even if it's a quick glass of wine at the local. We are not allowed to discuss either of our ex's at any time. And if one of us does... that person has to get the drinks in!
It was hard at first but nice to regain a bit of "us" again and we discovered that we actually have a lot to talk about besides the most recent bad behavior of his ex.
Good luck redhen xx

You sound like you have raised an incredibly astute and emotionally mature son redhen. The fact the other children aren't that way is not you responsibility.
As Petal said, it's easy for us to tell you to leave but only you know if you're willing to do that.

I'm sorry I am joining this late, redhen.
I can relate to lots of what you say, but when I think of trying to cope with it on the scale that you have, my mind boggles. Four kids - plus your DS - that's a huge change and a ton of work, and your DP simply doesn't make it easier for you. He needs to be working overtime every day to make this situation easier for you...but I don't think he gets that at all!

I do think you are an incredible woman to have taken all of this on and dealt with it as you have, and your son is testament to that. You seem very aware of what you want, and what DS needs.

"The first is simply that DP has FOUR kids who live with us a good percentage of the time. ... this is where I find myself giving myself a hard time because "you knew what you were getting into" and "there are others who COULD cope with this"."

Don't be so hard on yourself. How could you really possibly have known what you were getting yourself into? Until you are living the reality every day, you can't know what it's like. Plus, there is nothing wrong with expecting things to evolve and, yes, change. In stepfamilies, things have to change. As for others being able to cope with it? I don't know. There are some women who might be willing to 'cope' by martyring themselves or by putting themselves and their own children at the back of the queue, and because everyone else is happy, it looks like they are coping...You can't do it all yourself, you know? You can work and work and work, and change your own expectations, and change your own approach, and turn yourself inside out - but end of the day, unless your DP is also working alongside you towards a common goal, you are pushing rocks uphill.

(I also understand your fear about how things could go when you leave. My DH is a kind and gentle person but when in the past I have considered leaving, I definitely worry about him making it very difficult. Like yourself, I was in an abusive relationship in the past; I don't think I project that onto my present relationship with DH but obviously maybe it does mean that the awareness of how someone can 'turn' is always at the edge of our minds...hmm, not sure I am putting that quite the right way.)

"The first is simply that DP has FOUR kids who live with us a good percentage of the time. ... this is where I find myself giving myself a hard time because "you knew what you were getting into" and "there are others who COULD cope with this"."

Please direct me to them Red Hen! I have never known such a person!

Hmmmm... well I haven't actually met one now I come to think of it.

But DP seems to think there are plenty out there and there's nothing to it. I quote "having 5 kids is no harder than having 1 because you still can't go out etc."

DP ex has had lots of boyfriends since she left DP. Of course, apparently all of them think DSC are so wonderful and want to spend every minute of their spare time with them.

Yes, right.

what bull. I am one of five children, and neither of my parents, as much as they adore us, would have much time for your DP's argument! Five kids is TOUGH - but add step-parenting in - how can you deal with DP on this if he can't even see the problems??? Does he really think this is about YOU, that if you two split up and he meets someone else, they won't have issues with the set-up too???

i guess the five kids, just possibly, have something to do with why DP's ex has had lots of boyfriends, rather than one boyfriend.

Yes, quite. It's almost funny how she will send e-mails saying how her latest beau is loving being with the children etc. Kids harping on about how wonderful latest boyfriends job / house / life is while sneering at their (very succesful) Father. I am sure she would just say that each of these men were simply not good enough for her precious little darlings.

DP regularly says he thinks having the kids is a "doddle" and doesn't understand what ex wife was moaning about when they all lived together (she never worked at all). To be fair to him, he used to say this before I lived with him. However, he does get stressed when the kids are around and I would say more so when I'm not around as often ex will send e-mails about his "behaviour" and this is invariably when I haven't been around to witness it.