This isn't my crap to deal with.

[theredhen]

I'm having more and more days feeling just fed up and lethargic.

Fed up with;

the incessant nasty, controlling e-mails sent by the ex.
DP arguing with her, then doing exactly as she wants
the step kids lying and manipulating and me always having to watch what I say or what I do because all hell breaks loose when tales get told to Mum.
Step kids getting away with blue murder because DP frightened they might not like him.
Not sleeping through the stress, feeling like death warmed up so much of the time.
My work is suffering
Feeling like my life is on hold and I am waiting for DP and his ex to decide what I can and can't do.
Feeling like everyone wants a piece of me, DP wants my attention all the time
Going out to places I would have loved to have gone to in the past, now the thought of taking 5 kids fills me with dread.
Not being able to even sit next to or stand next to DP for 5 minutes without DSD8 insisting she sits/stands in between and DP allowing it.
Trying to make my home feel like my home and having SC disrespect it and nothing is said.
Going to court for consistent access which will only mean minimum contact is regained and of course, ex wife can then push kids onto us more than court says and DP will agree whether he is around to look after them or not.
Often not literally getting 30 seconds alone with my DS from Friday afternoon to Tuesday afternoon as DSC all have to cling to him because they're incapable of entertaining themselves.

There is soooooo much more, many of you will have read it all in my past posts.

DP tries to make nice times for us and yes, we go away for weekends and we go out for dinners etc but I am now finding I am even spending those times dreading the next weekend, e-mail, text message, school holiday etc. which detracts from the nice time we are supposed to be having. Most of the conversations we have while we are away revolve around his kids/ex anyway. Not even sure DP and I have a decent relationship away from the kids because we never seem to be able to talk about anything else.

Normal life for DS and I is on hold while Dp and ex fight and manipulate each other and the kids. Vast majority of instigation is done by ex but it's how DP reacts that stresses me out.

I know I need to leave and try to think about how and when but I am so stressed, tired and overwhelmed with day to day stuff, I just don't feel like I have the energy to put things into practice.

I am scared DP will turn nasty and kick us out before I can get my house back from the tenants or that he won't let me take my possessions and furniture and I really haven't got the money to start again. Dp earns 6 times more than me.

I want to concentrate on getting my life back, my peaceful, controlled home life, my career to move forward rather than stagnate and to help DS grow into a lovely young man with the world at his feet. I want to concentrate on him and on me, not spend 99% of my life worrying about everyone else.

I have feelings of regret that I have spent these years with a man who at best has a "non relationship" with DS and I keep thinking I could have had another child of my own with someone who would have had a good relationship with DS too but know now that I am too late to find someone else for that.

I would love to go back to my old home and "date" DP again as I do love him and think that he is a pretty good guy really and maybe I would behave as he does if I was in his position, I don't know. Can't see DP wanting us to live apart though so I am pretty certain he will rush out and go find another mug lady to be Julie Andrews.

Not sure what response I want, did think about putting this in relationships and then maybe I would get a bit of practical advise but I know I will get shouted down for being a witch to the step kids. You know all I really want is a "normal" life not just for me and DS but for DSC too.

Hi redhen, sorry to join late also, I wanted to say I really echo what brdgrl says about not being hard on yourself about other people coping - perhaps those who chose and planned to have a large family but four stepkids is huge, I don't always know how to cope with just one.

I really hope you work out what to say in that first counselling session, maybe the big question about whether to stay or go is just a little too big for now and you could work your way to a decision in some measurable time frame - so you don't have to have all the answers today x

Yikes. OP, a big helping of sympathy for you. Doesn't sound like very comforting home life for you and your DS.

Just to say, I haven't read much of the other posts.

However, your description of your own situation raises so many red flags that I wonder whether deep down, you really think it's a good idea to be with this man? He doesn't seem to have let go of his ex, and doesn't seem to have worked out a stable relationship with his own kids. He doesn't seem to be on the same wavelength with you a lot of the time. Having two lots of stepchildren adjusting to new partners is difficult enough even with amicable adults all round, let alone this. A loving lone parent (ie you) is better for your DS than being in a 2-parent household with a lot of uncertainty and strife. (just to reiterate that all my conclusions have come from your post, I don't have any particular biases towards nuclear family or unconventional family set ups).

You're right. He's not on the same wavelength and whilst I thought that things would evolve, they haven't done, at least not in the way I had hoped. I thought I could be a good influence, I thought we could bring up OUR kids together but he's made it very clear that I can help with day to day stuff, I can tell them off but ultimately I can't put in any boundaries for the kids at all. He has no boundaries at all and his kids and ex wife all treat him appaullingly because he allows them to. Often he knows I am right but simply refuses to listen.

Charlearose - oh yes, I remember being able to sit in my own house and make my own decisions within my own peaceful existence. I miss that so much. DP either completely doesn't understand or chooses not to.

I want to wake up in the morning and make my own decisions and own plans for my and DS day not feel that I am second guessing everyone else so I can try and escape and fit around them. The more I think about going back to my old home, the more positive I feel. I think that tells me something.

I am not making any big decisions right now but I am putting things in place to move forward and do have a timescale in mind.

I think I am starting to come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter WHY I am unhappy, just that I am, and that I need to do something to stop that.

Just wanted to add that when you're in a bad home situation, things always feel like they can't be changed and that you haven't enough money to leave. Why not take a couple of hours (eg when your DS is at school) to go to a cafe and sit down with some info (eg a bill or two) and work out how much you have ......you'll always find that somehow, you can make the finances work for you to leave. If you have a property with tenants in it, they need to be given notice of course, but at least that gives you a set number of weeks to make all the changes - packing your stuff and booking movers, doing change of address letters, etc. etc. And yes, I think it's one thing to persist with an important commitment, it's another to stay in a bad situation that is unhealthy for one's offspring and ultimately oneself. Seems like your situation moved from the former to the latter for some time already. Not trying to tell you to leave, only my conclusion from reading your original and latest post.
Finally, I echo Charlearose .....you're too young to be spending the rest of your best years in regret and misery, and too old to let someone like that take away what healthy years you have. Not to mention the quality time your son should be having.

I know how hard it is, when you contemplate leaving. I stayed in my first marriage for far longer than I should (his infidelity was the problem, it wasn't child related) just because I was terrified of starting again on my own. Staying put was a far easier option, but as the previous poster just said, you risk wasting a chunk of your 'best years' on a bad situation. It took me a long time to muster the courage, but one day I just realised I had to do it. It was actually easier than I had imagined, I felt better almost immediately, and six months later I met my new husband.

Redhen will know when the time is right to take some action. You just have to do these things at your own pace.

I have said this before and I'll say it again - you need to get out of this. I agree with MJ. And I have read ALL your previous posts.

One day you will look back in regret, for the lost years of your life, and those of your DS, and me annoyed with yourself that you didn't.

Sorry redhen, but that is my honest opinion.

And I've said this before as well - this mythical woman who will take him and his 4 kids on gladly and cope better than you - she doesn't exist.

I rarely post on mn these days but frequently lurk and I too have read most of your threads - you know you have to leave. Taking on four children of your OWN never mind anyone elses involves a mammoth effort to keep boundaries, time and consistency, but in a situation where you are treated so royally badly, it will never work. Your own son will soon grow to wonder why you stayed. Start again while you still can.

Redhen..... How old are you? Surely, not at an age where you feel you cannot start again? For the sake of your own health and your ds, do it. Leave these selfish fits behind you AND MOVE ON. Or you will be having this conversation next year....and the next.....and the one after that

Selfish GITS !

Redhen, if you can live this life, then you have the strength to move back to your own place. I'm sorry that this hasn't worked for you, but it takes two of you to parent and make a relationship grow and evolve, and at the moment you only have yourself.

On the other hand, have a massive for handling the sheer quantity!!!¬ I have 3 plus 2 dsc (although one at uni) and it can be loud, although we are very lucky with our tribe, and we do love it.

Thanks for the replies.

I'm in my late thirties, so not too old to start again although too old to find someone else to have another child with, which makes me a bit sad. But DP can't have anymore kids anyway not that I feel we can cope with what we've got!

I've been doing lots of sorting out and making arrangements to get things as straight as possible - things that would be difficult to sort out once I have left. In my mind, I am going to leave and when I think about a future, I don't think about it with DP anymore.

However, when it comes to the reality of leaving, I know I will struggle and find it difficult, partly because I don't like change and partly because of those feelings of failure and of my own insecurity that it's down to me not coping and my failings. I do wonder if I should hold on for the counselling so I can say I really have tried my best. It's going to be a good few weeks yet before I can say everything is sorted paperwork-wise anyway, and then there is Christmas to think about. Sigh.

I think a lot of the problem is simply sheer numbers, partly due to me liking a quiet life and partly due to the sheer work it creates. DP is out for hours on end ferrying kids around at the weekends (leaving me with a house full) and it's getting worse. If we only had one child each, then 2 or 3 hours of driving for each child in a weekend isn't the end of the world but when its for five kids at 2 or 3 hours each, it gets ridiculous! I am also used to time alone and I very very rarely get this now and I hate it, always having someone following you about drives me mad. Add in DP and his relationship with his ex wife and his insecurites and stubborn-ess and it's not an ideal situation, to put it mildly.

DP is so terribly insecure in his relationship with his kids (which I do understand), his kids are the product of warring parents, both of which are very stubborn and can be quite arrogant.

My DS does seem to be quite happy. When we moved in he told me that he could see his future being in this new home and how happy he was going to be living there. He even said the other day, if we won the lottery, he wouldn't want to move house. He knows the step kids are selfish and notices their negative faults but he also points out to me when they do something generous and selfless (not often!) so I think he wants me to be happy too and see the positives. One of my main concerns is that if I take him back to our little house, he is going to have a problem with me and the upheaval I have caused him and that worries me.

I am on a bit of a journey and I am so appreciative of everyones comments on here in making me see things how they are which can be difficult in such a stressful situation. It's really hard to talk to people in real life especially as I only know one step parent and she / he have grown up kids who have left home.