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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Taking baby to Australia

88 replies

travispickles · 17/09/2011 22:03

I lived in Australia for a year many moons ago and have family and friends out there. They are dying to meet my DD (7 months) and have offered to put us up etc. I can afford to take her (just) next Summer, when I have hols (am a teacher). After the following xmas she turns two and then I have to pay for her, which I cannot afford to do. My DP (her dad) can afford to come (just), but the issue is his DS(11). We simply cannot afford to take him as well, as it adds on an extra £1000. I would feel bad not taking him, but I don't want my DD not to meet my family and friends because of this. What do I do? Take just her/ take the three of us/ not go at all so as to avoid disappointing DSS? (BTW DSS lives with his mum most of the time, comes to us every other weekend although we have him half the holidays as well. )

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

brdgrl · 20/09/2011 21:12

There are just so many reasons why a 'all or none' approach isn't reasonable or desirable for some families. Not sure why some posters are so convinced that it must be what OP, her DP or her DSS need, particularly given that several people have already said on this thread that it was not or is not that way in their own blended family, and that that has worked for them! I also think the idea that all stepfamilies will or should follow the same model or degree of blending is misguided.

In this case, too, OP's DSS is much older than her DD. This adds a whole other layer to the issue. Quite apart from finances and genetic relationships, there are some outings and experiences for which one of the kids will be suited and one will not. If OP is planning a trip of coffee-shops, long talks with friends, and adult sight-seeing, that's probably not an appropriate trip for DSS. (Although I am sure there are some posters who will say "oh, once you date a man with kids, you have to plan all holiday activities with them in mind!" and argue that not only must OP take DSS, but must change the holiday plans altogether to include more appealing activities for him.) Over the next few years, DSS will have opportunities to do things that are not appropriate for DD. Finally, and not to sidetrack too much...but I am curious about where and when this 'all or none' approach ends. When DD is 10, DSS will be 21. Suppose the OP makes a trip then?

I think it is great that there is a trip to Italy on the horizon, and agree, it would be wonderful if OP and her DP could make a point of including activities on that trip with special appeal for DSS.

Vibrant · 20/09/2011 21:24

I suppose it's just the same as if you have a large age gap between biological children. That's how I approached it anyway. We had plenty of time when dsd wasn't with us to give dd attention and do things that were appropriate to her, so when dsd was with us it didn't matter that we did things that were more appropriate to her.

brdgrl · 20/09/2011 21:27

Oh, I absolutely agree that it would be agood idea to discuss the decision with DSS's mom...as in, for example, OP's DP saying "Hey, OP and I have decided to go to Australia in January; OP is really looking forward to seeing her family there. As you know, we'll be taking DSS to Italy in March, too. We'll be gone for two weeks, but I'll make sure DSS knows how to reach me, and I'll call him each Saturday."
And of course if it impacts DSS visits or anything, they'd need to discuss that.

"I struggle too with this concept that somehow step-children aren't "close" family, of course dsd is close family. I can't imagine not having taken her to meet my family and friends. ...We were a family of 4, it was just one child I didn't give birth to."
It is unfortunate that this is where the thread has gone, because actually I think there are some of us who agree that our SCs are 'close family' and YET, don't see a problem with OP's plan. (I also have to say that while my DSD is 'close family', and we love one another - she is not just a child I didn't give birth to - and I can imagine her rage if I were to suggest such a thing to her! It's great that your family operates that way, but it is not the way or the goal of every family.)

lateatwork · 21/09/2011 00:33

etihad have really cheap fares at the moment....

ladydeedy · 21/09/2011 18:06

for next summer etihad fares are around £1300 economy return. Not what the majority of people would most likely call cheap...

Lonnie · 21/09/2011 22:02

I havent read all the messages on this thread.. However as a step daughter many times over I have a few comments

my step fathers mother and father ARE my grandparents (my youngest is named after my wonderful amazing grandfather)
I still have not fully forgotten the complete dispair and unhappiness to discover my father didnt feel I was worth taking on the same holidays as my brother was. (I lived w mother brother with father) I was 11 the first time.
I was in my 20s before I managed to bridge the gap with my father and build an relationship with him.
getting double christmas presents (didnt get holidays withmy mother) is not going to make it ok you dont get to see your father every day. they do not square out even.
I still have not forgiven my 1st step mother for making out I was the " difficult one" (it was over 30 years ago)
I loved stepmother no 2 and 3 (Same woman)
I got on well with step mother no 4 (I was in my 30's when they married and lived in a different country so cant say much more)
Step mother no 4's two children still phone my father regularly (she passed away 4 years ago)
my children call my step father grandad. He IS their grandad as much as my father is.

Families are made out of love blood has nothing to do with it.

I was once told "Treating your children equally does not mean treating them the same" I have no answer to your question op but I will say this ensure that you treat the half siblings equally work out how that wors in your family but I promise you what he gets from his mother has nothing to do with how YOU and YOUR dh treats him in your family..

good luck deciding.

ladydeedy · 21/09/2011 23:33

did your mother take you and your brother on holidays?
who decided that you didnt see your father every day, your mother?

differentnameforthis · 22/09/2011 04:42

The problem regards to cost isn't just for flights tho, is it?

Has he got a passport?
Can OP afford to entertain him too? The younger dd will be free for most attractions, but the 12yr old will not be. Will he be content with parks/beaches/people's gardens etc?
Can they afford the extra meals etc
Can family accommodate an extra child

I certainly don't think you are under any obligation to take him. It would be nice, of course it would be.

I certainly never went on holiday with my dad & his wife & daughters when my parents separated!

chelen · 22/09/2011 07:34

I don't really understand this thread. It seems to have generated a fair few comments saying the OP has no obligation to take her SS. But that is a red herring. We have very few actual obligations to our stepchildren, or indeed our children, beyond providing safe homes and basic needs. But the world would be a decidedly sh*tty place if we just carried out our obligations and nothing beyond.

I agree the OP is entitled to do whatever she wants and has no obligation either way, but there is still an important judgement to make over whether the trip is likely to have an overall positive or negative impact on the family. Only the OP and her DP really know whether the SS will feel it or shrug it off. Unfortunately with humans, especially children, the argument 'but we really have no obligation to take you away" is hardly likely to make a person say "oh, ok, so now all my feelings of being left out/put aside/missing out/jealous, have just melted away".

Sorry if I'm repeating myself from earlier, but this thread has done my nut in a bit.

brdgrl · 22/09/2011 08:00

I agree with you, Chelen, that it isn't exactly a question of obligation. But on the other hand - it also isn't just a question of "will the SS mind not being included on teh trip?"

fourkids · 04/10/2011 11:05

Surely your (and your DD's on your side) family are now your DSS's family too now?

I mean, surely when they send a Christmas pressie for DD they will send one for DSD too? You would presumably expect your DM and DF to give presents to both, even if the one for DD was more substantial than the one for DSS?

In which case, surely you should all go or none go...

If your family don't, and don't intend to, treat both your DD and DSS as their family, my opinions and values are invalid!

fourkids · 04/10/2011 11:14

I should qualify the all or none thing I just said. I would have no problem with just mother and daughter going, but if DH goes too, in my world, so does DSS.

Funny how we all assume our own values are correct/universal/the norm...interesting and enlightening to see that we all live perfectly functional lives doing things in very different ways :)

Petal02 · 10/10/2011 14:53

Travis - did you manage to reach any decisions about your Australia trip?

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