Do Any Other Stepmums Dread Christmas?

[FruitAndNutChristmasCake]

Does anyone else have the same problems as me at Christmas? Now as if being a stepmum isn't complicated enough, I have the added problem of my family living about 180 miles away and DP's kids living over 200 miles away in the opposite direction. BM won't let DP have kids on Christmas Day but we have to have them from Boxing Day to New Years Eve (she originally wanted us to have them from Boxing Day to January 3rd!). Therefore my parents are coming to us for Christmas Day then have to bugger off sharpish Boxing Day morning (despite it being my mum's birthday!) as BM has said we have to pick kids up before 12pm as "she has plans too"! Plans, what plans do I have for Christmas? now let me think!.... This is now expected EVERY Christmas and I do feel like I am losing out. My parents wont hear of me going to theirs for Christmas without DP as they appreciate I now have a NEW family and should spend it with DP and the kids. To be honest DP wouldn't want to spend Christmas without me either and vice versa. I really do feel that I have a bit of a bum deal albeit not DP's fault and can't help feeling that Christmas which I used to adore is now such a chore (god Im a poet and I didn't know it lol). Eldest SS (17) is also staying with us at the moment until December 21st so I feel like DP and I are hardly going to have any time to ourselves this festive season! I would love just to bugger off somewhere nice for Christmas just one year, but it is never going to happen, not until the 2 youngest kids are grown up (at least another 10 years)and I dont know if I can handle another 10 Christmas's like this

I am so miserable at the moment, of course the cost of Christmas doesn't help! DP has said that we have to cut down on pressies for ourselves and our parents as we just cant afford it. However, we have spent well over £100 each on all 3 kids. BM spends at least 3 times that on each kid even though she does not work (legally anway!). I love treating the special people in my life and I only really class my parents, DP and the kids in that category. We work 50 hours a week each and can't even afford to spoil the people we love!

Sorry to whinge, but does anyone else feel like me at this time of year?

FANCC, it is a difficult time.

I suppose I am lucky in that BM always wants her two with her at Xmas, so we have a special Xmas the wek befor ewith them. And the in laws live in USA, so we see my family without any problems.

Although you knew he had kids, it doesn't mean that you knew what it would be like, no one does. And it is bloody hard work all the time.

Why can't yourparents be there on Boxing Day?

Perhaps WRT presents, you could state that you are spending £XX on your family. And that's that!

If it's any consolation, the kids will be less inclined to want to stay with you as they get older, so you may find that you'll get more time just the 2 of you then.

Oh dear FANC {{{{{hugs to you}}}}}

Would your parents let you go there for Christmas? If so I really would go - you don't deserve a miserable Christmas. It could be a make or break for you - you'll either miss him so much you won't want to be without him again or you'll realise he's not the person you want to spend your life with

Do you really think you're not cut out to be a stepmum? I think like that sometimes, in fact a lot of the time!! But I wouldn't swap my DP and I have to keep telling myself that the good times outweigh the bad, even when it doesn't seem that way

Totally agree with littledonkeyrach, yes you knew he had kids - we all did didn't we? - but IMO nothing can prepare you for being a stepmum

Thanks littledonkeyrach and NAAMC.

I cant see my parents on Boxing Day as we will be 200 miles away with the kids (we stay at DP's parents instead of the major expense of travelling backwards and forwards).

NAAMC my parents are expecting to come to mine on Christmas day at the moment and then staying at my aunties for the rest of the Christmas period. I could try and stay at my aunties but I dont know if they have room. I dont want a miserable Christmas, but I cant see any other way out of it. I am filled with such hurt and I just resent him and the kids so much now that its not fair on any of us. I knew I would feel like this eventually as it has been building up for so long. At the moment I dont even want to be with DP over Christmas. I love him so much and he is the love of my life, but I hate his life and having to live his life all the time with nothing for me. It has got so much worse now, we cant even have a holiday together on our own anymore now as BM has dictated we have the kids for 2 weeks in the Summer, a week at Easter and a week at Christmas, leaving us with no holiday whatsoever!

FANCC. I think yours is a classic stepmum dilemma. I had exactly the same with my DP.

It's horrible, it really is. TBH I would never, ever get involved with a man who had children if I had my time again.

I spent my twenties spending all weekends and holidays with his children, and then my thirties with my (our) own.

It sounds far worse for you, as the children are so unfriendly. Have their parents been separated for long? For me, the first couple of years were the worst.

It took me a long time to realise that my needs wouldn't ever come first. The children will always come first and the BM will pretty much always get her way - my DP fell over backwards to appease her to stop her turning the children against him and prevent access. He also felt very guilty.

I don't really have much advice - if you want to stay with your DP you will just have to put up with the BM (who is now probably in the unenviable position of being a single mum and unspeakably jealous of you) and the fact that the children will always come first. You can't win - if he puts you first and the children lose out won't you feel awful?

I really hope this doesn't come across as unsympathetic, because it's not meant to be. I completely feel for you. It's tough being a stepmum and even worse if the children are horrible towards you. Throw an evil BM into the mix and families on the other side of the country - well, no wonder you want to run screaming to the hills.

Personally, I use expensive wine to numb the pain .