Do Any Other Stepmums Dread Christmas?

[FruitAndNutChristmasCake]

Does anyone else have the same problems as me at Christmas? Now as if being a stepmum isn't complicated enough, I have the added problem of my family living about 180 miles away and DP's kids living over 200 miles away in the opposite direction. BM won't let DP have kids on Christmas Day but we have to have them from Boxing Day to New Years Eve (she originally wanted us to have them from Boxing Day to January 3rd!). Therefore my parents are coming to us for Christmas Day then have to bugger off sharpish Boxing Day morning (despite it being my mum's birthday!) as BM has said we have to pick kids up before 12pm as "she has plans too"! Plans, what plans do I have for Christmas? now let me think!.... This is now expected EVERY Christmas and I do feel like I am losing out. My parents wont hear of me going to theirs for Christmas without DP as they appreciate I now have a NEW family and should spend it with DP and the kids. To be honest DP wouldn't want to spend Christmas without me either and vice versa. I really do feel that I have a bit of a bum deal albeit not DP's fault and can't help feeling that Christmas which I used to adore is now such a chore (god Im a poet and I didn't know it lol). Eldest SS (17) is also staying with us at the moment until December 21st so I feel like DP and I are hardly going to have any time to ourselves this festive season! I would love just to bugger off somewhere nice for Christmas just one year, but it is never going to happen, not until the 2 youngest kids are grown up (at least another 10 years)and I dont know if I can handle another 10 Christmas's like this

I am so miserable at the moment, of course the cost of Christmas doesn't help! DP has said that we have to cut down on pressies for ourselves and our parents as we just cant afford it. However, we have spent well over £100 each on all 3 kids. BM spends at least 3 times that on each kid even though she does not work (legally anway!). I love treating the special people in my life and I only really class my parents, DP and the kids in that category. We work 50 hours a week each and can't even afford to spoil the people we love!

Sorry to whinge, but does anyone else feel like me at this time of year?

Im not a step mum but I have many friends in your posistion and it must be hard. Unfortunately there is no easy way round it if your partner has other kids.

f&n I can only sympathise with you (sympathy emoticon)

I nearly walked out on dh yesterday over the eldest stepson. I am so angry at the mo.

As for the issue of present buying in your situation, IMO it is totally unfair. Looks like your life is dictated too by BM, when and where you can have them iykwim.
I really cant advise at mo as I am angry.
hope things get better
xxx

Thank you SL5 I know there is nothing I can do about it, but it does get me down sometimes

Thanks Doormat, I know you are in a similar situation. I hope things get better for you x

I do sympathise, it's such an awkward situation and you must feel like you are always the least important person when the arrangements are made!! Just because you have married someone with children shouldn't mean that your needs count for nothing and you are always put last. But this is what usually happens. My parents split up when I was five and my mother remarried quite quickly. TBH he isn't objectively a very nice man...but I do think, looking back, that he had a raw deal at Christmas and times like that. I think we treated him badly at those times too, because we were resentful that we couldn't be with our dad. My mother quite openly used every opportunity to punish my dad by making the arrangements awful for everybody. I remember many years as a kid of having to eat two Christmas dinners! I don't think there was a Christmas day I didn't end up crying, until I left home! Anyway my circumstances are certainly different from your family's...but I do feel for you, I know how horrible it is for everybody, you are in aterrible position because if you express your own needs and feelings you are "being selfish" and not putting the children first. But really it's their mother who is taking precedence, not them. I do hope things improve as they get older. I think you need to keep softly and gently explaining to your partner how you feel and what his ex is doing. Maybe if he could see that it's not his kids you resent he would be more supportive of your position.

You do have my sympathies as I know how tricky this time of the year can be for us stepmums. What about setting up an alternative Christmas/New Year arrangement. It won't solve all of your problems, but it could make things a little bit easier for you. This is what we do. When we don't have sd for Christmas we have her for New Year. The school holidays are usually two weeks, so it usually works out that we have her for one week and bm for another. It's much less complicated for us as there is only one step child and she lives fairly close by, but at least it would mean that you could spend Christmas with your family on alternative years and there would be less running around for you all.

Ouch that sounds like a bit of a raw deal for you. Sorry - sounds like you are doing the best thing for the kids but are losing out yourself. Must admit I find all the negotiations and complications around Christmas and other key dates quite tiring and would love the freedom to just make straight forward plans. But I definitely have it a bit easier than you as BM does seem (fingers crossed to date) to put the kids interests first as well which at least means we are all making compromises. Slight complication is that the youngest son's birthday is Boxing Day so we seem to be on the road all the time.... Does DP understand how you are feeling? PS I do feel the cost issue is unfair - if the budget is tight everyone should get slightly less IMHO.

Thanks for your messages MOM, Otto and LTL.

Otto - Unfortunately alternate Christmas's would NOT be an option. DP will not go a Christmas without seeing his kids and BM would NEVER allow it! Great idea though. If the kids did live cose then it would probably work if he saw them more often, but as he only sees them once a month because of the distance, it just wouldn't be possible.

LTL, it is very difficult as unfortunately in our case BM does not put the kids interest first, only how much drinking time she is going to get whilst we have the kids. DP does know how Im feeling but he doesnt understand, I guess if you are not in the situation you cannot see anything wrong with it. It causes terrible tension between us and major rows that are threatening to split us up at the moment. He cannot understand how much I have given up for him and his and how little I get in return. I have none of the goods sides of being a parent - just all the bad -unruly children, no affection, no love, no kindness, no consideration, no manners and the unbelievable expense.

Poor F&N, you sound so unhappy and frustrated - nobody should have to feel like that, especially at Christmas. Their mother sounds quite selfish (although obviously I don't know her)and it sounds as though nobody is prepared to compromise. If things are so bad that it is ruining your relationship and threatening to split you up, maybe it is worth putting your foot down. You could write down what you think would be a reasonable and fair solution for everyone - including yourself - and confront your bloke with it. Stay calm and rational and explain that the situation is untenable and you are not going to tolerate it any longer. I know this sounds a bit ridiculous but I have found that writing stuff down makes a man take it more seriously - they are so good at just playing ostrich and letting things slide. And I know ultimatums (ultimata?) are horrible and can backfire...but it sounds as though your partner needs a kick up the *rse, and your relationship is being endangered anyway!! Sorry if it isn't helpful. I really wish I could make you feel better ((((((([sad)))))))))

Sorry, never can get used to all this emoticon malarkey!!

That sounds like a good idea MOM. You shouldn't be expected to play a bit part in your own Christmas.

Thanks for your kind words MOM x

I am going to do what you say MOM, I am going to write it all down for DP, I don't think he will take anymore notice than if I said it to him, but its worth a try. Thanks again x

Hi F&N,
I'm also a step Mum and can see that from your point of view it all seems a bit unfair,but from your DP's point of view if he doesn't see much of his children,then he's going to jump at the chance of having them between Christmas & New Year.
It also seems unfair that your parents have to rush off after Christmas,couldn't they go to a near by Hotel for an extra night and you could meet them there for a meal to celebrate your Mum's Birthday. Get you away from the kids for a night.
As for the presents, couldn't DP and BM co-ordinate their present buying a bit and go halves on the biggest presents, it would be cheaper for both of them, and lovely for the kids to get their most wanted present from "Mummy & Daddy". This is what my DH and his ex do.Perhaps it's a bit late for this year but couldn't you suggest it for next year.
I think your DP should realise how much you are giving up to have his kids over Christmas, and at least show some apprecation and simpathy even if he can't do much about it.
I don't know how long you have been a Step Mum, but it does get easier as the years go by. Things with us have got easier with DH's ex over the years, and we also have our own DS twins(7yo), and the families sort of gel in their own way.

The children dont really enjoy it either. When they are older and living alone and then they have to decide shall we spend xmas day with mum or dad etc. It all gets pretty horrible. They would probably like to spend xmas day with both parents so I know it is difficult but do try to think about them too. Cant your parents stay at yours until you arrive back with the children? I am speaking as a person whos parents separated at the age of 5 so I am speaking from experience. I am 29 now with two kids and it is still tough to juggle my time.

Good luck - it can't be good for you bottling up this hurt xxx. Don't know what your DP is like - but I find DH is much better at listening and understanding my point of view when we talk calmly. But typically things normally come out when we're both worked up and yelling at each other - then he only hears my anger and doesn't listen to what I'm saying (and of course I'm not listening to him either!)... So hopefully the letter idea might work. Sounds like it's definitely worth a punt.

Thank you all for your messages. Jac and bsg I wish it were so easy with my parents, but even if they stayed in a hotel near ours, we will be over 200 miles away from ours with the kids. We stay at DP's parents as it just costs far too much in fuel for us to go over 200 miles to pick them up, bring them back to ours, take them back again and then drive back home ourselves. I know he wants to see them and so do I, I would never stop DP from seeing them at Christmas for the kids sake aswell as his. I guess it would just be so much easier if we all lived closer to each other. Then we could share our time. I think its just BM's attitude that pees me off. She wants them for Christmas day to see them open their presents, but then doesnt want to know them again until after the New Year and after she has sobered up! It is difficult with the presents too as DP and BM dont speak to each other. Any communication is done through scribbled notes or Solicitor's letters so buying them joint presents isn't an option. Even if they were speaking to be honest, I wouldn't be that happy about it at the mo, not with what she has put us all through over the last year and I dont think she would even consider it! She has a pot of endless money for someone who is not working and spends hundreds on the kids, which is great for the kids, but not so great for us who are expected to match what she spends!

Ive just reread this post and im sorry if I sounded curt earlier. I know my friends in similar situations to yours often feel like they have pulled the short straw but on a more positive note one of my friends who has been a step mum for a bit longer has managed to work through this situation. Mainly by talking to her dh and getting him to see her side. It took some time as her dh felt terribly guilty for not being with his kids. Once he'd dealt with his guilt things got a whole lot easier for all of them. Sorry for sounding flippant in my earlier post, it wasnt intentional

FANCC {{{{{hugs to you}}}}}}

Don't know what to suggest but just wanted to let you know you're not on your own. I used to love Christmas, I was one of those people who put decorations everywhere but I just can't be bothered with it this year, I'm really not looking forward to it at all

Totally agree that being a stepmum is bloody hard enough without this for you

Thank you NAAMC [[hugs]] right back at you.

Sprucy, dont worry I didn't take it to heart, I value everyone's opinions on MN.

Are you feeling any better about things FANC?

Hope you're OK, thinking about you xx

Thanks NAAMC, Im not too bad, be glad when Xmas is over to be honest. I never thought I would be glad to get back to work! Lol - How are you?

I'm feeling a bit better about things - think I've told myself to think positive instead of negative, it usually works for me. We've booked to go to Chester for 2 nights between Christmas and New Year too when dsd has gone home so I think that's helped - at least I know we'll get some time on our own

That will be nice NAAMC, 2 days away with DP. We have got kids right up to New Years Eve so rather than drive 200 miles back home we are going to spend New Years Eve and DP's parents. I could think of better ways of spending New Year, but at least we will be together

Thanks anniemac. I really cant help it I am so fed up and sad and can't wait for Christmas to be over. DP and I are not even speaking now so to be honest I just feel like moving away and staying with my parents 200 miles away. I don't even want to be with him and his at Christmas now. Things have escalated so much and I have so much hurt inside me that I cant cope with it anymore. The prospect of another Xmas with his family and not spending proper quality time with mine just fills me with dread. The thought of having to play "happy families" again with kids who dont give a flying fig about me and who show me no respect is awful. The thought of no more holidays with just me and DP without the kids is unbearable, the thought of not having a life of my own with someone with whom I am top priority for once is not for me. I know I knew he had kids when I met him, but this situation has just got worse and worse and worse and I have given 110% and not even got 10% back in return. Everything always goes in BM's favour and never in mine. She treats him and the kids like crap, and gets everything her way, I've never been anything but loving, kind and generous and get totally walked over and taken for granted! Is that fair? I really dont want to do this anymore! I am definately not cut out to be a stepmum, well not with a family who dont give an ounce back to me anyway! So I guess for Christmas I am getting a single life!