Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

my wife and son arent speaking - awful atmosphere - help somebody !!

93 replies

dadinthemiddle · 23/08/2011 19:22

First - bit of background - have put this on Dadsnet but hardly any replies so I thought might get a womans perspective and more replies on here. I believe if I'm being a prat you lot will tell me apparantly!!

My adult son 22 lives with my wife and I and we have had arguments aplenty on the usual probs with stepparent/stepchild. My wife only met me when son was 18 so no mother/child type bond there obviously which probably doesnt help.

My son lives in absolute chaos in his room and as a result is always losing/breaking things etc and we have both kinda given up on him being tidy and kind of resigned ourselves to 'as long as the mess is behind your bedroom door' iyswim. He works full time.

He recently sent my wife a stroppy text saying she was breaking his things !! and called her pathetic and childish. He wont withdraw allegations or apologise so she wont now speak to him. Any ideas. I have bollocked him btw.

OP posts:

hester · 23/08/2011 23:44

OK, my mistake

Eurostar · 23/08/2011 23:47

I think you are frankly being very naive Dadinthemiddle if you think that your son doesn't "get" that he is wanted out and not simply for the reason that you want him to learn the very important lesson of independence and budgeting but because he is in the way.

You cannot compensate with money, with doing his domestic stuff.

Put yourself in his shoes, what a bloody confusing position. What would you want or need if you were 22 years old and living with your father and a newish wife?

You need to all communicate out in the open about what is happening. Better he hear the truths and be able to talk to you about how it makes him feel.

It's still really unclear as to why he would text your wife out of the blue. Has there really been no build up to this? Did she definitely not touch anything? Any chance he has been smoking weed or similar and is getting paranoid if nothing of his was touched?

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 23/08/2011 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

dadinthemiddle · 23/08/2011 23:57

But if he gets that a couple naturally would rather be alone wouldnt you think he would at least think of doing something towards reaching that day of independence when he can leave us to it. I cant see why if he does 'get it' that he would take that personally. If I lived with a couple I would 'get it' without feeling all hurt about it.

OP posts:

LeBJOF · 24/08/2011 00:04

Are you getting some insight into how to take this forward, DadInTheMiddle? I think you've had some pretty useful advice.

Original poster

dadinthemiddle · 24/08/2011 00:08

yes I am BJ there is very good advice on here. going to sleep on it though - eyes hanging out of head at moment. will update tomorrow thanks everyone who has contributed

OP posts:

theredhen · 24/08/2011 07:41

Dadinthemiddle - I agree with everyone else. You need to stop 'telling him off' and show him by your actions that things need to change. Treat him like an adult and have the expectation that he will behave like one. You are doing him a great dis service in treating him any differently. Eventually he will thank you and so will your wife.

MissKittyEliza · 24/08/2011 09:53

Well, you asked for the replied dadinthemiddle and you certainly got them!

I was interested in your post because my situation as some of the same angst surrounding it. Slightly different, in that my SD is only 17 but, I've been in her dad's life for 6 years and married for two of those. Sd has two older siblings who we (now) see little of as they're 21 and 22 and studying and working. I sold my house and relocated to be with my DH. So, I moved into his house, if you like. I have always been welcoming toward the you gets SD and know that it isn't easy for these kids to see a parent with someone else. However, I sent her a message yesterday in which I told her that, she doesn't come and sort her room out and if it isn't smelling less like a "docker's armpit" (DH 's words) by the weekend, then I will take two bin bags to it. One for the rubbish.... Drinks cans, dirty tissues, dirty underwear and general detritus strewn all over the floor and one for the Humana Charity Box which will contain clothes thrown about the room.

It may sound harsh but, try as I have (and DH admits I have tried) SD resents me, still blanks me and unless she gets her own way all the time, she goes off in a strop. I have closed the door on this tip that is her bedroom, for 2 years, but yesterday the smell of stale dirty clothes hit me as I opened it go empty her bins and put in fresh towels and frankly, ENOUGH !

At 22, if he is to continue living with you, he needs to treat your home with more respect. he does need to retract the accusations against your partner unless he has hard evidence that she, a grown woman, would wilfully damage his belongings. Also, you've both shown enough patience. Perhaps it's time to get the bin bags out....

MissKittyEliza · 24/08/2011 09:55

Sorry.....bloody iPad types what it wants! Much of my post makes no sense, but you get the gist?

WkdSM · 24/08/2011 16:06

My SS1 was forced to leave his mums house when we stopped paying maintenance - his Step dad did not see why he should work and SS1 sit at home or just have a part time job and make no real contribution.
Although it was hard, he sorted out a flat share, got himself a full time (rather shitty) job and learnt to pay his bills, budget, do his own washing etc. Decided to get himself together, applied for uni, got a place, has sorted out all own paperwork / finance package. He has moved in with GF for a couple of months before going to uni to save up - and she sends us lovely notes about how he has cleaned the hob / cooked dinner etc.
So - it was tough for him at 18, but at 20 he is far more mature and able to deal with the world on real terms.
Do your son a favour - give him a realistic date - ie 2 months from now - by which he has to leave the house. That will give him time to save a deposit.
Keep on at him about it (do not leave it to your wife) - ask what he hs organised, has he worked out what he needs to buy (probably the largest TV he can get - boys and their toys), does he need help on moving day.

Then agree privately with your wife that she will be polite back to your son but disengaged. Count down the days. Once she knows the end is really in sight she will be better able to cope and the atmosphere will be better.

I suppose if he apologises and chabged his behaviour you might jointly reconsider but it is your job to shape the man you would like him to be - and sometimes 'tough love' is the only way.

planetpotty · 25/08/2011 09:32

He is 22! He needs to buck his ideas up and even if he does not like your Wife he should show her basic respect as he lives in your home - at 22 I had been supporting myself for 5 years, had lived abroad and had realised how much you should appreciate your parents and those who make them happy.

Definately something deep rooted that needs addressing but first and foremost some respect needed....having said that its a two way street so as long as she shows him respect also.

Difficult one for you though - any chance of getting him into family councelling? probably not but worth a try?

Good luck stick at it :)

Original poster

dadinthemiddle · 25/08/2011 17:48

an update to anyone still following this. I have spoken to his mother who doesnt usually want to know which also goes down like lead balloon with wife at times. She actually took my wifes side and said she would not put up with his slovenliness rudeness disrespect etc etc if he lived with her and she is going to blast him when she visits area this weekend. I told him three days ago now he must apologise and retract or at least speak to my wife about it or all three of us sit down and made it clear l do not mean just start saying hello as if nothings happened. He has had plenty of opportunity and has not as yet. The longer this goes on tbh the more l can see my wifes pov. He basically will not conform to any rules or anything he simply doesnt feel he should do. That is apparant to me now. He is being passive aggressive - whichever poster(s) said that - you are right - as he keeps telling me he will do this but l believe he has no intention and seems determined to just carry on speaking to wife as if nothing happened thinking we will just give up maybe (?). l am going to wait outcome of ex wifes bollocking and then if still no change decide my next move. Thank you all for your very helpful replies - certainly plenty of food for thought.

ps: he made a big dramatic point (as in body language not words) of taking one of the items he accused my wife of breaking out to his car today when he set off to work as if to say he doesnt trust to leave it in the house. We both completely pretended not to notice - great minds think alike eh!

OP posts:

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 25/08/2011 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

harassedandherbug · 25/08/2011 21:03

That sounds a lot like passing the buck.....

It's your house, not your ex's.

allnewtaketwo · 25/08/2011 21:06

I'm just wondering...it's great that you're really acknowledging there's a problem to solved....but, I get a slight feeling that you've a tendency to 'duck' difficult situations with your DS, first onto your DP by letting the awful situation go on for so long, and now onto your ex

OneOfTheBoys · 25/08/2011 22:00

Am not surprised your wife doesn't like this.

You have a problem in your house (as in yours and your wife's home), your son is being disrespectful to wife no2 and you expect wife no 1 to sort it out?

How about you take the bull by the horns, and address the issue concerning your son yourself? It's simple enough: you're 22, man up, pay your way and stop being a stroppy kid, or start looking at spareroom.co.uk as either way you're not putting up with his awful behaviour.

Smum99 · 25/08/2011 23:24

Some progress but you have to realise this isn't a step parenting issue but a parenting issue - and yours to deal with. It's so easy to blame the 'step' element, i.e no natural maternal feelings but you are overlooking the poor behaviour from your son. Of course he's nice to you - he's being manipulative and testing boundaries, like a 2 year old would do when they realise one parent is soft.

You are not doing him (or any future gf or wife) any favours..Get him house trained asap and he needs to take responsibility for his actions/words. He was disrespectful and he needs to apologise. Your wife is a saint!

Original poster

dadinthemiddle · 27/08/2011 00:04

Thanks all again. Smum thats what my wife says about him being manipulative when he is being nice to me or creeping up to me - he is trying to show he's the good guy and she is wicked s/mum. As in the other night he brought his pots and lunchbox and stuff from work out of his room to wash up and actually told me (wife was in room ) what he was doing - like look at me I am doing this - arent I good!

and 'Oneof the boys' - I take your point but I am not expecting wife no.1 to sort it out - but she is still his mother and my wife feels she is taking crap that should be hers really and says she would want to know herself (my wife would that is) if her son was wrecking someones domestic harmony or acting in a way that could cause their marriage problems and my wife does have a grown up son so she is in a position to say this. Also my exw actually brought it up first when l was speaking to her so she offered to have a word. But you are right - it is our house ultimately and l as parent have to sort it.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4