my wife and son arent speaking - awful atmosphere - help somebody !!

[dadinthemiddle]

First - bit of background - have put this on Dadsnet but hardly any replies so I thought might get a womans perspective and more replies on here. I believe if I'm being a prat you lot will tell me apparantly!!

My adult son 22 lives with my wife and I and we have had arguments aplenty on the usual probs with stepparent/stepchild. My wife only met me when son was 18 so no mother/child type bond there obviously which probably doesnt help.

My son lives in absolute chaos in his room and as a result is always losing/breaking things etc and we have both kinda given up on him being tidy and kind of resigned ourselves to 'as long as the mess is behind your bedroom door' iyswim. He works full time.

He recently sent my wife a stroppy text saying she was breaking his things !! and called her pathetic and childish. He wont withdraw allegations or apologise so she wont now speak to him. Any ideas. I have bollocked him btw.

What kind of man do you want your son to be?
What kind of partner do you want your son to be?

Do you think that you are doing what you should to help him to develop into a responsible, independant person who will treat others with respect?

Cos I have to be honest - I'm not seeing it. And it is one of the most basic functions of a parent.

22 and still living like this. He has no respect for you, your partner or your home. Because you have allowed him to treat you like this.

I wouldn't be saving any money for him at this age. He's too old. If he still lives at home he should be contributing to the running costs of the house. The chores the cooking etc. He should respect your wishes for his bedroom to not be a health and safety risk. It sounds like he is digging his heels in like a toddler. And the hiya is defiantly just to wind up. And has nothing to do with him trying to make amends.

Sorry MJ re the chores - my wife does his washing but only if he puts it in the basket. She no longer does his ironing - he never used to hang it up so she makes him do his own now. She doesnt let him do his own washing as he kept breaking it putting all sorts of pocket contents in it etc etc or washing one item in it then tumble drying it etc etc so she barred him from washer and dryer. He washes up his own pots and cooks some of his own meals. My wife tbh wouldnt eat anything he cooked as she says his room is so dirty and she says she will only eat food cooked by a clean person as she is quite 'howard hughes' in that department. Again she says this to me but not to him so as not to cause offence. She is tbh a bit possesive/territorial about household thigs such as the vacuum cleaner /washing machine etc but she says only because she looks after her stuff and he breaks things quite a lot for example the vacuum cleaner he will break the belt from vacuuming up a biro or whatever for example.

And still you provide excuses for him. Its all DWs fault. SO rather than he LEARNS to do chores, he finds a way (deliberately?) to wind up your DW by destroying property (with no consequences - like having to pay for a new hoover etc)). Bit its her fault for being posessive/territorial.

honestly OP, you deserve that headache because its of your own making. You have not acknowledged that you are in any way to blame in this situation, nor have you really acknowledged that your son is in the wrong.

Take your son off his pedestal and appreciate that he is in the wrong and that you have created a monster. Your poor wife - I hope you buy her flowers and a nice dinner by way of apology - paid for by the increased rent from your ds.

So be broke the washing machine / tumbler by not taking care of it. Broke the hoover by not taking care of it - do you really wonder why she's "Posessive and territorial about household things"?

I suspect that if your son had his own washing machine and his own hoover and that he was responsible for paying for their repair / replacement he would take better care of them.

Reading what you've written back, the message your son gets is that you can live like a slob, you don't have to pay much for your upkeep, you don't have to take care of other people's posessions and you can be rude to someone who you life with and you can get away with it.

Not great is it?

oh no Hatti - I am not blaming my wife for being possesive/territorial about her household stuff - really I do understand why she has become like that and dont blame her at all.

and MJ - this is what I fear that the ante has been upped and where will it end. My son my wife feels is getting more and more above his station with every incident and worries that if it ever deteriorates to a point of physical threat or worse to my wife then all hell will break loose possibly ending with me in a cell. I dont think he will come to this but she feels he will keep pushing the boundaries and where will it end.

dadinthemiddle. Its time to tell him to leave. You know this.

He is earning good money, so can afford to move out. He will not be "on the streets£. He had £860 disposable income, he can afford a room in a shared house. Time to kick him out I think.

Seriously? He may not be a child anymore but it's not too late for you to be a parent.

Do you really think you're doing him any favours by allowing him to live like a grungy teenager? By taking such a pathetic amount of money in keep? By allowing him to get out of any contribution to housework by being so careless he can't even be trusted with a hoover? By allowing him to act the way he is to a woman that he should be showing respect to?

Before your wife came onto the scene when he was 18, did you give him any boundaries at all?

Give him the 'Son, it's time you were a man' speech and tell him to find his own place.

You'll both see him for Sunday lunch, he's washing up.

Yes Event I did used to be quite strict with him and my wife even used to defend him and made me realize I was having a go at him too much. I think she probably wishes she had left me to it now.

Mj I must admit your posts make scary reading for me. I used to do that actually - do the things my wife would no longer do for him and I could never understand what was her problem ?? she was no longer doing it (his ironing for example when she went on strike) - but I thought I was keeping the peace but my wife seemed dead set on him doing it himself and it sometimes has seemed to me that my wife had a vendetta. Funny how when I read same stuff about someone elses son I can see straight away why it bugged her.

I am going to be a lone voice on this thread with some sympathy for your son because I feel he is a bit of a victim in this. Your Wife wants him out, you feel guilty, so you compensate by not being tough enough about money etc..really, I don't envy him.

You say that your wife hides that she wants him to leave so she can have you to herself. I am 99% sure he is aware of how she feels, and even so it is not so painful at 18 than at a younger age to be pushed out by a step parent, it's not a great feeling.

You give mixed messages.

I wonder too what difficulties he went through previous to 18 (apologies if I missed a post but not sure if your second marriage is due to bereavement or divorce).

I think if you make your son move out before you all start to communicate properly it could damage your relationship long term.

I'd say, get yourself some family therapy and learn how to communicate together and let your son voice how painful it is to have to feel that he is not really wanted by his step mother, even at his age. For instance, if he cleans his hands and nails well before cooking and doesn't have grease dripping from his hair, there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't all sit down to a meal he has cooked. This sort of thing would bond you all.

Look at this website for family therapy www.aft.org.uk/

One thing that really strikes me about your situation is how your domestic arrangements pit your wife against your son. I take it your wife does not work outside the home? Because it sounds as though all the housework is done by her and so all the conflicts about ironing, washing, tidying are between her and your son, rather than between your son and the rest of the household he lives in. Ditto the money issue: it is set up in a way that results in her not having enough money, so needing more from your son.

Is there anything you can do to break up these dynamics a bit, so it is about three adults sharing a home rather than your wife going 'on strike' (odd wording as it implies ironing is her job - is it? Why? Does she do yours? Would you expect her to iron for an adult daughter?)

but Eurostar my son has never offered to cook a meal and had that rejected by my wife -I was only saying that idea wouldnt work because my wife is a bit 'Howard Hughes' about people cooking for her. He has never offered to make a meal so no rejection there - I was just saying my wife has said to me privately that wouldnt work for her. Also my wife has only ever said to me that she looks forward to it just being me and her as a natural thing with any couple - I mean I also look forward to that. its not a pro-active lets get him out thing- more of a couple looking forward to being alone.

Eurostar he is 22

no hester I used the 'on strike phrase as a jokey way of a shortened version of what happened really. I actually iron most of my stuff myself but my wife does it sometimes too - I certainly do not expect her to. We do things for each other - no sexism here. my wife used to once a week just do all the ironing that hadnt been done along the way really - including my sons. But as she often used to find his still on back of settee or fallen down behind it on floor days after ironing it she simply stopped doing his on grounds of being futile.

dadinthemiddle, you are getting your head in the right place. Your son has shown no respect for your wife, nor for household items and probably not for anything else. He really needs to wake up and stop behaving like a spoilt brat.

There is no way that your wife should have to put up with his behaviour towards her and you, YOU, need to gird your loins and lay down the law. He's behaving like a little shit because you are letting him.

He needs to behave properly, or go; really. As mj says (paraphrasing) you can't be his mate because you are his PARENT.