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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

my wife and son arent speaking - awful atmosphere - help somebody !!

93 replies

dadinthemiddle · 23/08/2011 19:22

First - bit of background - have put this on Dadsnet but hardly any replies so I thought might get a womans perspective and more replies on here. I believe if I'm being a prat you lot will tell me apparantly!!

My adult son 22 lives with my wife and I and we have had arguments aplenty on the usual probs with stepparent/stepchild. My wife only met me when son was 18 so no mother/child type bond there obviously which probably doesnt help.

My son lives in absolute chaos in his room and as a result is always losing/breaking things etc and we have both kinda given up on him being tidy and kind of resigned ourselves to 'as long as the mess is behind your bedroom door' iyswim. He works full time.

He recently sent my wife a stroppy text saying she was breaking his things !! and called her pathetic and childish. He wont withdraw allegations or apologise so she wont now speak to him. Any ideas. I have bollocked him btw.

OP posts:

Original poster

dadinthemiddle · 23/08/2011 21:14

He pays an eigth of his income in digs per week to those of you have asked. My wife has said she is to double it soon as it says on internet about 30% is accepted level so he will still only be on 25%. She has recently told him this and he is not happy - maybe just maybe behind this ?? We have agreed to save £10 per week towards his future setting up on his own which I will top up to £50 per month without us telling him we are saving on his behalf. He doesnt save and just lives in the moment like most young people which is why we agreed this as I thought doubling his digs was a bit harsh. But my wife says gas electric and food - which she pays for/buys have all shot up impossibly lately so she needs extra money from him.

OP posts:

LeBJOF · 23/08/2011 21:17

An eighth?

And you are wondering why he is behaving like an entitled arsehole?

Original poster

dadinthemiddle · 23/08/2011 21:19

sorry - thats save £10 per week from his new increased digs which I will top up to £50 per calendar month and we will save/invest the £50 without telling him. its a compromise really so his digs arent being increased as much as wife wanted which I didnt fully agree with - so I'm happier with some being saved to give back to him down the road - and she's happier cos gives us light at end of tunnel re his departure.

OP posts:

Original poster

dadinthemiddle · 23/08/2011 21:24

Sorry - will get this right in a minute !!!! His digs will be doubled and increased therefore as much as my wife wants - just that unbeknown to him we will be saving a small percentage on his behalf. Oh come on with those headache pills already.

OP posts:

harassedandherbug · 23/08/2011 21:24

1/8th?? Does he have a full or part time job??

I didn't take a penny off mine when they were in education, but once they working I did. Before ds2 moved in with his gf last year he was paying £50 a week and he was ecstatic at that.

NonnoMum · 23/08/2011 21:26

As a Step mother to a nearly 20 year old in a similar situation, I would just like to say that my DSS has NEVER been that rude to me, even though we drive each other crazy.
And I would expect my DH to pull him up on it much more.
You need to talk to him and something needs to change.

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/08/2011 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeBJOF · 23/08/2011 21:27

Dadinthemiddle- what does a room in a shared house cost per week where you live? I'm guessing £70-£100? Is he chipping anything approaching that in? Does he wash his own clothes? Contribute in other ways? Cook?

michglas · 23/08/2011 21:30

You should be taking a third of his wages otherwise you are not teaching him the true cost of living. And if i was in your situation, and my son was disrespecting my wife like that, he would very quickly be shown the front door.

HattiFattner · 23/08/2011 21:30

look at the website I posted earlier....www.spareroom.co.uk/ - type in your post code and look at how much rooms are going for.

Then increase his board to that amount.

Throw in his food for free.

Then tell him he shapes up or ships out.

Im not surprised your missus is angry - you keep defending your sons indefensible behaviour. Its up to you as "the man of the house" to show your son how to behave with women - and you are failing big time, quite frankly.

My husband goes MAD at my ds1 for shouting at me or answering back - ds1 is 11! You seem to be treating your son's behaviour as "being a lad" - what on EARTH are you teaching him about the appropriate behaviour towards women! You need to examine your attitude towards your son vs your wife and realise who is more important.

Original poster

dadinthemiddle · 23/08/2011 21:31

Full time Harrassed - takes home just over 200 per month - is paying 25 per week - wife wants to increase to £50 per week - but we will secretly save £10 per week of it made up to £50 per month by me. So my wife will get £40 per week instead of £25 basically.

OP posts:

harassedandherbug · 23/08/2011 21:33

£200 a month for full time?? If that's correct and not a typo, then taking £50 a week will leave him with next to nothing......

nenevomito · 23/08/2011 21:34

Not all 22 year olds live in the moment. Many live in their own flats or house-shares where they are fully responsible for paying their own rents and putting food onto their own tables. You're kidding yourself if you think thats not the case.

What you are saying is that he's working full time, but gets to fritter 7/8 of his income how he sees fit, paying a minimal amount to feed himself and keep a roof over his head and doesn't save towards his own future - why would he when he has it so easy?

He doesn't respect the home that he lives in, which is made apparent by the fact that he doesn't keep his own space tidy and he also is disrespectful to one of the owners of the house - again with no consequence.

The cost of food and fuel has gone through the roof, but instead of him paying more for his upkeep, he is going to pay a little bit more and you are going to put that money away for him again and are not telling your wife that you are topping it up. I suspect your son knows you didn't agree with her putting up the rent. That's not fair on her.

You are only in the middle of them because you've allowed your son to continue acting and behaving like a teenager and haven't properly backed up your wife.

I really do think he needs to apologise.

ristretto · 23/08/2011 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nenevomito · 23/08/2011 21:36

£200 a month take home from a full time job???

Sorry, but that doesn't add up at all unless he's doing voluntary work or is not being paid minimum wage.

InmaculadaConcepcion · 23/08/2011 21:36

Ooh, tough situation.

Speaking as the eldest child of an amalgamated family, I was told (by my mum - but at my stepdad's behest) it was time I found alternate digs when I returned home from Uni with no job and no immediate plans. They let me live in the granny annexe joined to the house for a couple of months, but I was soon told in no uncertain terms that I was on borrowed time with that and it wouldn't be available to me for much longer.

I was pretty upset at the time at being told to move out (I was also 22), but it meant I quickly got off my butt and found a house-share which suited me down to the ground and made me feel much happier because I now had true independence from my parents. The temporary blip in parental relations was exactly that - we were soon on fine terms and I invited them to my new place and cooked them dinner.

Latterly (since divorcing my former step-dad) my mum tells me she still feels awfully guilty about telling me I had to go, so I appreciate how you probably feel about the prospect of doing the same for your son. But I reassure her that she was quite right and actually, she did me a big favour - so there are no hard feelings.

I agree with the other posters - your wife has every right to want her own space and not share with another adult, particularly one who refuses to respect his environment or her feelings. I think this is a time when you will have to get firm with him - it's time he took responsibility and learned how to look after himself properly. If you make it clear you love him and will support him as he sorts out his new place etc. I'm sure it won't be too long before he comes round.

Good luck!

HattiFattner · 23/08/2011 21:38

how can he take home £200 a month: Thats £50 a week/£10 a day.

Gross that up - £250 a month.

Thats not even minimum wage.

In fact, he would not even be paying tax on a 3k pa job.

So....is he working part time? If so, he should get a second job!

Demiwave · 23/08/2011 21:42

I think the op means £200 a week.

Original poster

dadinthemiddle · 23/08/2011 21:49

Sorry - £200 per week he takes home - well £215 to be exact

OP posts:

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 23/08/2011 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HattiFattner · 23/08/2011 21:59

you should be charging him at least £75 per week.

People do not value things that they do not pay for.

By all means save £50 a week if you can afford it. put it in an account for your DS once he leaves. But you are doing him such a HUGE disservice...and treating him like a child, so he is acting like a child.

Original poster

dadinthemiddle · 23/08/2011 22:02

Ristretto - fair comment yes but because I am at a loss really and am just answering the questions about that side of things which i kept getting wrong and having to correct. I am taking on board a lot of the advice on here and I do now accept my son is taking the piss with the 'hiyas' and I am slowly but surely being convinced that my wife is being more than reasonable to increase digs to 25%. i have looked on that room site thing and average here is £70 - £75 for a single.

OP posts:

Oneoftheboys · 23/08/2011 22:03

It's very common, almost a rite of passage, for boys to metaphorically lock horns with their fathers at this age...which is why they get booted out of the herd/home and they form their own. He's doing it indirectly through his step-mother, as she is an easy target, but essentially knowing that if he racks it up you will intervene.

I agree, make it his choice.

He can either man up and become a fully functioning, respectful and contributing member of the house or do what a lot of young adults do at that age which is flat share.

Charging him a proper rent, apart from help to meet the costs of supporting him, given he is now earning, would actually give him adult responsibilities and be doing him an almighty favour, although he might not see it like that! He certainly also ought to be contributing to household chores, as he would do if he had his own place. Paying rent does not entitle him to maid-service from his step-mother, he speaks to her as if she were an underling and no wonder she is mightily hacked off.

Loshad · 23/08/2011 22:04

woah - so he gives you £25, and has £190/week to spend on himself no wonder he has such a sense of entitlement. A third of take home would be cheap - £65 and he still would have far more money to fritter than the vast majority of the population.
Even the increase to £50 goes nowhere, and if you are saving £10 of that for him then you are still feeding and housing him for £40, You do adults no favour by not letting them be aware of the true cost of living.
He needs to up his contribution substantially - i'd be tempted to take £100/week and save £40/week of that for him, plus an agreed amount of joint household chores.
He is a man OP, not a kid.

allnewtaketwo · 23/08/2011 22:08

In my opinion your DS is being extremely passive aggressive in a manner designed to deliberately cause tensions between you and your wife in your joint home. If I was you wife I would absolutely not tolerate this.
If you were both parents of DS you no doubt would have both told him by now that he was moving out. You are protecting him and treating him like a child at the expense of your wife and marriage.

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