Earlier this year I agreed to move into my partner's house, together with my son (nearly 14). Not an easy decision as DS is about to go into Year 10 and is at a grammar school at the moment, but won't be should we move 80 miles away. My partner does not have any children of his own.
I am writing because DS's future stepfather has issues with the behaviour of DS that we cannot seem to resolve. I, in turn, have issues with my partner's behaviour, particularly towards my son. Probably not much of a surprise!
My partner says that DS's back-chat is the worst thing and I agree with him on that - have never disputed it. However, it is getting better and he does get disciplined over it. He also thinks he spends too much time gaming, which is also probably true, though I do try to restrict it. Perhaps because he's an only child I let it go more, as he spends a lot of time talking on his X-Box to his friends. As an only child myself, I remember how lonely and isolating it sometimes was.
My partner tells me my son is "disturbed" and needs counselling, something I don't agree with. Yes, DS was upset at the marriage break-up (at age 7) and has been constantly disappointed by his natural father, but has pretty much come to terms with it now. He also sees his dad regularly, despite the fact that he isn't a particularly good role model. Ex-DH spends too much time in the pub, smoking, not doing much with our son and is hugely in debt, but DS loves him and wants to see him. I have asked DS about counselling several times, but he is adamant that he doesn't want to speak to anyone. At almost 14 I think he can make that decision. Besides, my father is a doctor and he doesn't seem to think there is a problem. Anyway, I just wanted to give a brief outline, so it gives a more balanced background to our tale of woe.
My partner is adamant that it will be 'his rules in his house' where my son's behaviour affects him. Fine - in essence. However, I want the right of veto if necessary, i.e, if I don't consider his rules to be fair and just. My partner constantly watches my son like a hawk and 'pounces' on him if he does something that he considers wrong. This could be something as trivial as DS resting his hand on the back of a kitchen chair ("Get your sticky fingers off my furniture!") even if he's just washed them, or for just accidentally jogging the kitchen table. It's like we're treading on eggshells for much of the time and it's not relaxing for anybody. I don't consider getting into trouble for something like that fine, or just, it's just nit-picking for the sake of it.
My partner doesn't seem to understand that a partnership is just that, i.e. we each get a say, otherwise it's just a dictatorship. However, I would have absolutely no problem with reasonable rules and would happily back my partner.
Whilst I accept his comments and concerns, there has to be some compromise and negotiation surely? He told me, "Any man who has to SUFFER a child will not allow you a veto. On what grounds, that he came out of your womb????"
So what do others think? Is my request for veto reasonable or unreasonable?