access and older teens... sorry, long!

[Anushka11]

help and advice, please.
I have 3 children from my prev marriage, 2 teens, 1 younger.
DP has 3 children from his prev marriage, 3 teens- 2 DSD, 1 DSS. DSDs almost 17, 15, DSS 13.
Before we met, he saw them usually at ExW house 2 weeknights, and most weekends. Since we're going out, he sees them 2 weeknights, and 1 day on weekends- that is to give us some time together on weekend, as well, as they continue to refuse seeing me, they want their dad on his own. It's handled fairly flexiby, though, if we go away etc.

His ExW has a long term partner, also.

DP Ex has approached him, and said they (herself and P) wanted new rules for access- they want him to have each DC in turn 1:1 for 1 WE, and then all together for 1 weekend, to give her and P a child free weekend.
DP said not sure, and he would d/w me, and think about it. She has gone, however, and told DSCs, who like the idea of 1:1 every month. DP still maintains a flat for access to take place now, although effectively lives with me (us)

I'm not thrilled with this idea. My points are- 1) this ties us down all weekends every month. If we have something on, the SC missing out will complain. 2)this is classed as 1:1, which of course means I will not be able to meet them/ build up relationship EVER ( prob what ExW wants!) 3) we never get to have a child-free WE, though that's not my main point. 4) having them together overnight would mean he can not give up flat (expensive!!) or will have to stay at ExW house (I don't think so!)

I also object to oldest DSD still having fixed "young child" access, but she seems to be the one keenest on this- she is due to start Uni Sept 2012! Is she going to come down from Uni for access?
On top of this, DSS has asked to spend more time with his dad, and again wants this on his own -per se not unreasonable, plenty of space in our house to accomodate him, in spare room- no need to share even (he shares small room with young half-bro at home).
Arrrggghh.
He is very annoyed with ExW to have told DSC before he had agreed, and has said before he will agree to this, they each have to sit down with him AND ME and talk/ start to engage, and only one trial run for now i.e. 1 month.

I have told him if they continue to insist 1:1, then 1:1 it should be- no BF/GF, no grandparents/ aunts/ friends, nobody.

Help!! Anybody with any ideas how this can be modified/ arranged so as to keep DSCs happy(-ish), and still give us our right as well?
And - anyone with any ideas how to convince them I did not "take" their dad, he chooses to be with me (in fact, he pursued me, not me him).
He is divorced 10 yrs, I'm divorced 2 years.

Week 1: child 1
Week 2: No kids
Week 3: child2
Week 4: No kids
Week 5: child 3
Week 6: No kids
Week 7: All kids
Week 8: No kids

Tell her you want weeks with your DP alone too! Why shouldher needs be greater than yours?

I think 1:1 time is rather false when the child in question had sibilngs, not to mention step brothers/sisters. If the marriage was still intact, then you'd never have a situation where each child got a 1:1 weekend with each parent each month. Siblings have shared parents since time began, it's not harmful.

Of course, I think the ex's motives are rather dubious, who does she think she's fooling?

The OP and her DP definitely need some 'couple time' although there are some posters around at the moment who will disagree .........

Hatti I wish!
won't happen in a month of Sundays, but wouldn't that be nice....
She wants every 1st WE of the month child free- coincidentally, also WE her youngest is at fathers.
So, she wants week 1, 5 ,9 etc.
I have though about saying if each child has 1 WE, then we need to not have the lot when we need a free one- I'm sure as it's her suggestion, she's happy to give up her child-free WE

That's a ridiculous plan OP. Honestly say NO NO NO right now, or you will be stuck forever. He should take his kids out 1:1 one evening a month, and have them all EOW. He should tell the kids that the plan was their mum's idea but it doesn't work for him and you. I wouldn't get too far into explaining why - it is just a really idiotic plan.

As regards to young adults wanting "young child access arrangements", please read my thread ......

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/1210330-SS-challenges-our-plans-regarding-flexible-visiting-arrangements-please-help

Good luck with that one!

yes, I did earlier, Petal- and I sooo agree/ feel for you!
Compounded here by the fact that there's 2 younger siblings, and of course she can't have ANY less then them now, can she???
Plus, I think, they are jealous of my DCs, who, of course see DP the half of the week when DSCs don't see him (if they are home/ not in their rooms, that is, for the older ones)

Yes, I agree (and so does DP, thank goodness)- really, really idiotic plan!
I like the idea of evening 1:1s. Why did I not think of that!

Honestly, what does the ExW get out of stirring and power games after 10 years???

I think the 1:1 time is false and doesn't happen on a regular basis when parents are together. As they get older it is inevitable that there will be times when they can't all come on the arranged access days so the others will get "more" of their dad. This happens when parents are together and one or more of the kids are doing an activity.

At their age it's odd to suddenly suggest it and it sounds like an exW power game to me. Knock it on the head as the daft idea it is - you need some time for yourselves too.

I think speakercorner has the right of it. A bit of 1:1 time isn't a bad thing but it shouldn't dominate the contact schedule. 1:1 time can be done as a weekday afternoon/evening either on a set evening or flexibly to account for other activities. After all, the daughters have got to be old enough to be able to sort this kind of thing out themselves. At the weekends, though, have all kids together as one weekend at mum's, one weekend at dad's.

thank you, thank you- my DCs don't get much 1:1 time living with me, I work , as well. Well, youngest does a bit more, but mostly because both the older ones disappear on the weekends.
Stops me feeling like a complete cow! I shall go and complain some more

But isn't the root cause that they refuse to spend time with you so the silly schedule of access has been devised? Is this being addressed?

What has happened for holidays?

sorry- night shift, was in bed (yawn)
Yes, Smum, that is so. Is it being adressed? ? Not sure, as I'm never there. I think so- DP was doing the softly, softly aproach initially, saying they're good kids, they'll come round. By now he's getting very disappointed and hurt by their attitude, and increasingly irritated (well, what he calls irritated). I nag him about it, because it's insulting, for both him and me, and they are old enough to know it is, and also disrespectful to him. He says they don't see it that way- and I keep saying then it should be pointed out to them.
Lot of it is the Ex, I assume.
Holidays- hmm, yes. Currently it seems he's going with me/ us 1 week, and then with his DCs 1 week. Again, I'm not happy about that, but will have to lump it for now. I don't think I would want to spend my holidays with 3 teens, who will ignore me, dominate DP, be clingy and try to push me out all the time, and DSD1 does the best impression of a toddler tantrum I've ever seen- better then my 4 YO. No, thanks.

Hmmm... sounds to me like ex wife is having a bit of a laugh with you and DP. She is certainly the one in control.

I too think the evening one to one contact is good. I really need one to one time with my DS but he has been an only child for 12 years, and I have 4 DSC, so I need to try and keep things balanced in my own head.

Personally I think when you choose to have more than one child, you give up the right to protracted one to one time with a child.

Why on earth do children need 1:1 time?! siblings never get this... Fair enough a trip out 1:1 is nice (I think the americans call it 'daddy date') But it is completely unrealistic to do it in such a staged way. What kind of spoilt brats are they that they can't share their parents with one another?

But what hatti suggests would mean 3 weeks in between seeing each child. it is just not possible to hav a relationship with such huge gaps in bewteen.

And as for having to have a separate flat so the little darlings can be sheided from the fact their dad has a partner... well, frankly that is INSANE! Why won't they see you?

Unless you are a complete bitch this is just obsurd and why your partner would allow it is beyond me.

He needs to get the control back now or I would suggest walking away from this bunch of nutters!

I think your DP has to be firmer in addressing the integration, it has to happen and you can't be excluded. I suspect the ex is controlling this and the lesson the DCs are learning is that it is ok to exclude, bully and be disrespectful to some people for no good reason.

My DSS behaved like this at one stage - DH couldn't see it for a while and then strugggled to believe his child would behave like this. Eventually it came out that the ex was behind the behaviour, which I found shocking. As a child, DSS hadn't fully understood the consequences of his behaviour but when it was explained to him he was upset and saddened by what he had done and made a full apology. DH is so glad he dealt with it, yes they maybe good kids but that doesn't stop them sometimes behaving poorly.

How would your DP want this to be addressed if your DC's were acting like this to him??? I bet he would find it intolerable

Pickyourbrain- LOL!!
The "children" (young adults!) did not demand the 1:1, it was the Ex that wanted it, and of course they love the idea.
She is indeed a nutcase, I think- she has some sort of personality disorder, and likes to pull strings, have secrets, manipulate, and control, but also has mood swings, favouritism, screaming hissy fits, etc.
She almost certainly gets some sort of kick out of this.
DPs parents and sister say she is "such a freak the children don't know what's normal"
DP has now stated to children and Ex he won't even discuss it before they have each seperately sat down with both of us to discuss. He also likes the idea of 1:1 on a week night, and says he will trade the 1:1 off against a requirement to meet me regularly- i.e. if you want me to do what you want, then I want you to do what I want, which may work.
I am not a complete bitch (well, I may be a bit biased!)- far from it.

the children have sat down with us, of course- not the Ex

It sounds like classic Passive agressive to me anushka blaming everyone and everything on how her life has turned out without examining any of her own behaviours, favouring instead a 'poor me, poor me' attitude and making the children and indeed her ex husband pander to this. I bet she is sweet as pie to the point where you question whther it's you who is being unreasonable... then she'll SNAP.
Passive agressives can only be dealt with effectively by very very strong people and this is what your DP needs to be. he has taken the first step in leaving her.

I would be very wary of a 1:1 with these children because if their mother is indeed a nutcase, it leaves a lot of room for game playing with the children.

I am happy to hear that you are not a complete bitch

I have two step kids and I wish we could afford for DH to maintain a flat for visits. They come to us, the house, I paid the majority for, and totally take over while at same time ignoring me. Off course it is their parents fault who have raised them this way. Even so nothing like coming home after a 2 hour commute and having no room to sit in and relax. Also pet hate is that I do a weekly shop and they eat the food I menu planned for the whole week for, thus leaving nothing for rest of us to eat. So in your position I wouldn't be bothered about the fact you don't see them.

Just bumping this up - Anushka, has there been any progress?

Hi- thanks, Petal. DP has actually put his foot down :) and told his offspring that whatever their mother said had not been agreed with him, and has said he would not consider 1:1 on that basis, maybe week nights, and only if they enter into communication with us as a couple to discuss further. It seems that went past his boundaries
She continues to undermine everything DP and I try, and I'm sure she badmouthes me/us at home to the kids.
So difficult for them, she is the type to say "if you talk to her, you don't love me" or the like. Stupid egocentric witch.

Sorry for long absence, was very busy here decorating the place.

LasVegas- fridgehoovering is normal for teens, my 2 DDs eat everything not nailed down. Freezing it is just about the only way to have anything left! They also treat the house as a hotel, leave cr**p around, ignore me/ moan when I make them do chores.
The worst is, their friends parents are full of their praises, so they know how to do it right (I love them dearly, and they have their good days!)