How do you cope with the Ex?

[origamirose]

I don't know where else to turn. I have no children of my own but my DP has 2 children (11 and 7) from a previous marriage. The children are generally fun to be around. I think they are pretty normal children so they are demanding and sometimes annoying but I have been surprised at how easy it's been to cope with all of that (I genuinely enjoy their company and have grown to love them over the past year).

The thing I can't cope with is my irrational anger with their mum and I am afraid that it will have an impact on the good relationship I have with my DP.

My DP is so afraid of damaging the precarious (in his eyes) relationship with his children that he rarely stands up to his ex (who seems to be quite volatile).

I am angry because in my eyes she seems to have the life of Riley (please don't shoot me down for that). One example from a list of thousands... My DP was supposed to take both children back to their Mum's tonight (have had them since after school Thurs). On Friday night their Mum called to ask if he would keep one of them o'night tonight and take her to school tomorrow morning as she'd like to take the other child to the cinema tonight and, as she's off school tomorrow, they'd like to have a 'lie in'. All I want is a child-free evening to enjoy a glass of wine with my DP.

How can I get rid of this irrational anger (and I'm normally a fairly placid individual)? I am supposed to be moving in with DP later this year and I don't think I can do it untill I have this under control.

Any tips at all to calm me down and help me manage the situation for the long-term would be good. Thank you.

I have a similar situation.

My other half would have his daughter all day everyday if it was up to him and when we first started seeing each other I had to ask him to bare in mind that I wasnt used to it. Anyway his ex didnt like the fact that he was not able to answer straight away about unscheduled childcare and our life was somewhat unbearable for the first few months of cohabiting. It got to the point that I had to put my foot down and agree to certain dates and asked him to be strong with his ex. He still has the odd time where he buggers it all up and agrees to things without asking but he is better at saying no and she seems to have settled down. She even gives him notice (shock horror).

My advice is get a calender write down on it each month the scheduled dates and any night that you know you are going to have things planned block out on the calender (or nights you know you have no energy to entertain) - that way the poor bloke has a clue when he HAS to say no (my other half did say that he felt stuck between a rock and a hard place because he is always pissing one of us off). The calender also highlights the amount of time he is actually having the kids and this I assure you will start annoying your partner as they will see a trend.
I would also try to accomodate fair requests by her - like if she has been offered overtime at work or has an assignment due etc that way she knows that when she really needs help youre there and therefore not a complete cow.
Hope this helps

Thank you - calendar is a good plan (will also help DP to see how little time we have together - he is away most of the week so really we just have every other weekend).

We do try so hard to accommodate requests - I think that's part of the problem - we've set the boundaries and now I'd like to tighten things up a bit. I guess what really annoys me is that the requests are often last minute and as she doesn't work/study - it's never to do with work but more because she's decided that she'd like to do something (and often it's go out with friends/away for weekends/have a lie in etc.). I don't actually mind having the children more frequently - it's the last minute nature that gets to me. So I guess you're right - sort out a calendar and accept that sometimes we just do it to avoid boat-rocking and so that the children always know that they're welcome with us.
It's hard work isn't it?

Hi, sensible lady to get this sorted before you move in! What your DP needs to do is for once to say no (when you have a genuine clash) and then the spell will be broken. The sky won't fall in and his children will still live him.

Of course it's a dad's responsibility to have their children but as you say it's the last minute notice, ex will be used to him be so obliging so just needs to realise that she can't take that for granted. I sure the ex would have coped had he said no to the request..your dp just needs to know that.

That said, your dp having a good relationship with the ex is worth a lot - for the children - so I would encourage some sensitivity and ensure the boundaries are put in place in a sensitive way.

The calendaR is a must. When I first got with my dp he had his dd half of the time but then at the drop of a hat his ex would ask his to have her extra and it was horrible. Not that having the dd was awful as to this day I would actually prefer us to live with us but it always felt like his ex was controlling our lives, and she was.
We now have a rota (I know some don't agree with this) days are fixed and she knows not to ask us for extra time. Unless she is away on holiday or its school holidsays in which case we'll laways have dsd more but it is still rotad in way ahead of time.

In fact there have been two occassions recently where she has said to dsd that although it is a night she shiould have her, she has plans to do x, y, z and so does dsd want to stay with us instead. DSD will choose us of course and so cunningly the ex has managed to get usa to have her without actually asking herself. I have told my DP this is not to happen again and he needs to tell his ex as much.

Unless his ex has no friends or family around to help out then it is absolutely inexusable to use him as a babysitter. Non resident parents arent their to provide childcare when the resident parent gets a better offer. They have a responsibility for their child, same as the resident parent has. If it is her night to have her child, she needs to have it, simple as that.

My dd is with her dad every other weekend and I feel that if I can't arrange my social life around that then I have big problems - couples who are together don't palm their kids off on other people at the drop of a hat so why should split parents.

But my advice about not getting angry at his ex would be to transfer your annoyance to him. It is your partner who is enabling her behaviour and he is the only one that you can ask to change. Deal with the fact that you have no control over her behaviour now because if you don't you have years of anger ahead.

Also a big giant on your behalf that she wants a lie in - I'm sorry but lazy fucking bitch - she hasnt had her child for 4 mornings and she wants a lie in. This kind of thing makes my blood boil.

Thank you all.

For those with experience - can you tell me if we're being unreasonable on these two things:

1. DP says that he likes spending time with his children one on one (rather than both together competing with attention and that is often why he doesn't refuse the last minute stuff) so, he's going to try to get some time with each child individually once a month - that way both parents get to spend one on one time with each child and each child gets the same amount of one on one time with each parent. Thoughts?

2. Between us we are going to stop accommodating last minute requests unless there's a genuine reason (sick child/mum/emergency - when we will always do everything we can to hlep) BUT of trying to accommodate most requests that we have notice for. Is this reasonable/fair?

Thank you for help so far - it's very very hard to be a childless step-mum and I need all the help I can get !

1. IMO that's utter rubbish, siblings have had to share parents since time began, doing things as a family is what will bond you all and create the most normal environment. Obviously the odd dedicated one on one time is lovely for kids but not regularly.

2. absolutley. By allowing their mum to just drop them the minute she gets a better offer, your dp is doing his children no favours. They will see him as a convenience for their mum rather than an equakl parent. However, it works both ways of course and it means that the two of you have to fulfil all of your commitments to the children too. You and he need to build a network around you so that if there is something important that calls for the two of you to not have the kids when you should, you can ask someone with in your own circle. Their mum is no more your babysitter than you are hers. Again though, if you are sharing weekends there shouldne really be many occassions when you can't all organise your social lives outside of your time with the kids. We tell our friends and family when we have the kids and they know we don't dodge that responsibilty. If they want us somewhere, and its not child friendly, they know to arrange it on a weekend we have no kids. Your DP's ex needs to start planning her life better. She has it a lot easier than many many couples who are together - they never et child free time and manage life without palming their kids off on others all the time!

Firstly, your anger is not irrational! We have set days and my DH VERY rarely changes them. His exW changes them all the time and is always asking him to have the children for extra days - mainly because she can't or won;t organise her life properly.

If I had the answers I would be able to apply them to my own situation but my DH will never say no to his ex as he wants to have his kids and she is so difficult if she doesn;t get her own way.

I totally agree with pickyourbrain on both points.
Be strong but fair the kids pick up on it and respect you for it. I know that DSD knows I love her and want to spend time with her but I explain that mummy and daddy have to equally share time with her. She understands this and has responded well. Its the ex that doesnt seem to understand it.

1) DP says that he likes spending time with his children one on one (rather than both together competing with attention and that is often why he doesn't refuse the last minute stuff) so, he's going to try to get some time with each child individually once a month - that way both parents get to spend one on one time with each child and each child gets the same amount of one on one time with each parent. Thoughts?

Sounds like a thoughtful sensible idea

2) Between us we are going to stop accommodating last minute requests unless there's a genuine reason (sick child/mum/emergency - when we will always do everything we can to hlep) BUT of trying to accommodate most requests that we have notice for. Is this reasonable/fair?

fair for who? you or the children?

amberleaf's opinion is valid of course as is everyone's but as I sense you are new on here origamirose I feel compelled to tell you that is is a minority opinion that you should drop everything and be available to have your children at your ex's whim.

Personally, I don't think it is to any benefit to the children to come to know daddy as the unreliable one and mummy as the one with no social life who just falls in line with daddy no matter what.

Children like routine, and boundries, and as sassaby says "strong but fair" parents.

Plus unless you are ridiculously subservient you just have to resent your plans being changed all the time because the person who is jointly responsible for your child prioritises their own sanity before yours!

Thank you all for your views on this...
I think that I actually agree with amberleaf - the best thing for the children is for us to be as accommodating as possible in order that they:
a) don't feel that their care is a source of conflict for their parents
b) always feel wanted in my DH's home (regardless of whether or not I live there).
I think that going back to the original points we should carry on with trying, wherever possible, to accommodate changes. I will need to get my brain used to thinking differently - afterall the children only see their dad for 4 nights out of 14 and (when he's not working o'seas) I get his company for all 14 (if I choose)...

Whilst it's very noble to think you may be able to run your whole existence to suit the children, you'll soon find yourself becoming angry and resentful if you assume the stance of saint/doormat.

I don't think any child would benefit from being brought up to think that Mum calls all the shots, and that Dad fearfully toes the line.

I also think the calendar idea is excellent, men tend to respond better to clear, visual information. I had to use a calendar and orange highlighter pen!!! There was a month, a few years ago, when access 'weekends' were spreading from Weds pm til Monday morning (which is nearer a week than a weekend) and DH pretended not to realise. But once I'd marked it up on the calendar, he just couldn't argue.

Ahhhh I hadn't realised he only has them 4 nights out of 14... that changes things a bit. For some reason I thought he had them a lot more than that. Why doesnt he have them more as a routine, then it could be that your problems would be solved too as you said it wasn't the fact you had to have the children, it was the last minute nature of the arrangments?

If he only has them 4 days every 2 weeks then it is hardly a surprise that his ex feels she is entitled to a bit more help every now and then.

You remind me of myself actually - fuming over his ex one minute then resolving to be more understanding and accomodating the next. I have gone around that cycle for years and years and it gets you no where. You need to find a middle ground between acceping some conflict and having to adapt, and being strong enough when you need to be... If you find the secret do let me know

But if the OP's DP has the children 4 nights every two weeks, this sounds like the usual 'alternate weekend plus a mid week night' arrangement, eg:

Week 1: mid week night plus Fri-Sun
Week 2: mid week night

And if you add much more access to this arrangement, I can see why the OP gets frustrated.

I don't know, that doesnt seem a lot to me. we have DSD 3 days one week then 4 the next. I would prefer to have her a lot and know when we're having her, to having her less and then having extra days put upon us constantly.

Actually i am talking out of my arse because my ex only has our dd as per the situation you pose above petal, and i would NEVER ask him for extra. That's the aggrement and that's what i stick to. That's the responsibility I have accepted and every other weekend and one week night without my child leaves me with ample time to rest and have a social life... much more so than my friends who are still with the father of their children actually! Why can't people just accept their responsibilities?! If OP's DP's ex (that was a mouthful) is unhappy with having her child so often, she should change the aggreement to make it fair rather than impose extra days ad hoc....

oooh I bet this comes down to maintenance... if he regularly had the children for half of the time her maintenance would go down, but ad hoc nights probably arent accounted for... is that the sitch OP?

I'm back...
This weekend we had another unscheduled, last minute change to the calendar (it was our w.e. without the children). I am questioning, once again, what's really best for the children. I don't think that we should refuse (unless we have no choice) but neither do I think that we should be used as babysitters on the w.e. that the children are supposed to be with their mum (in this case the babysitter was sick).
What do others think? Was this the time to set the precedent and say no (even if all we were going to do was veg out in front of the TV with a bottle of wine)?

PYB to be fair to DP's ex I don't think she wants the children less often, she just sees us as extra weekend childcare (she has never asked us to help out Mon - Weds night unless a genuine emergency).
You ask about maintenance? I try as hard as I can to stay out of all of that and it's not too difficult as our financial affairs are completely separate and we both earn good money.

So let me get this straight: the ex was having access this weekend, she had planned a night out, the baby sitter was taken ill, so your DP is expected to step in???????? That is insane.

I am not a stepmum.

But I am in the reverse situation with my exH if that makes sense.

And I am marking my place to see if I can learn anything

Yup, that's pretty much what happened.

I know that DP's ex is not being reasonable here and I have enough experience to know that this sort of behaviour is par for the course with her. DP and his ex don't have a great relationship.

I guess that the reason I'm here is because I want to know what's the right thing to do for the children? Do we continue to accommodate so that they always know that they are wanted at their dad's or not...?

It might help if you know that I don't have my own children... I think that makes it more difficult to know what's right for other people's...

My DP doesn't have any kids, but his view on the situation I'm in seems very clear - I don't think not having your own kids necessarily means that you will automatically do the right thing.

My ex changes times all the time, with very little notice. I am really struggling with it.

Not sure of the etiquette but if you do a search in chat my thread is called my fucking bastard ex.

Seems like the situation is pretty common

If you haven't got anything planned what's the issue with having his DC?

Aubergine - aren't the OP and her partner allowed reliable child free time?

Even if all they want to do is sit on the sofa and watch crappy tele with a bottle of wine?