How do you cope with the Ex?

[origamirose]

I don't know where else to turn. I have no children of my own but my DP has 2 children (11 and 7) from a previous marriage. The children are generally fun to be around. I think they are pretty normal children so they are demanding and sometimes annoying but I have been surprised at how easy it's been to cope with all of that (I genuinely enjoy their company and have grown to love them over the past year).

The thing I can't cope with is my irrational anger with their mum and I am afraid that it will have an impact on the good relationship I have with my DP.

My DP is so afraid of damaging the precarious (in his eyes) relationship with his children that he rarely stands up to his ex (who seems to be quite volatile).

I am angry because in my eyes she seems to have the life of Riley (please don't shoot me down for that). One example from a list of thousands... My DP was supposed to take both children back to their Mum's tonight (have had them since after school Thurs). On Friday night their Mum called to ask if he would keep one of them o'night tonight and take her to school tomorrow morning as she'd like to take the other child to the cinema tonight and, as she's off school tomorrow, they'd like to have a 'lie in'. All I want is a child-free evening to enjoy a glass of wine with my DP.

How can I get rid of this irrational anger (and I'm normally a fairly placid individual)? I am supposed to be moving in with DP later this year and I don't think I can do it untill I have this under control.

Any tips at all to calm me down and help me manage the situation for the long-term would be good. Thank you.

TBH if both sides can be flexible it makes life easier and alot more pleasant.

There will be times when the ex asks and you need to say no which is much easier and acceptable if you usually say yes.

I was a step mum, and now I have different blended family, and more recently my eldest has gone to live with my ex so i've seen it from all sides!

The ex had arranged a babysitter, she was ill, she was simply trying to find another sitter????????????

Thank you.
aubergine when you strip it down to the bare bones like that you're right. There isn't an issue and we did have the children. For me, there are two issues:

1. I have got to the stage where I can't rely on the (child free) time that DP and I have together but perhaps that's not a right when you are involved with someone who has children.
2. In the all the time (and it's years) we have been together we have never asked DP's ex to have the children in 'our time' probably because our time with them is limited to 4 nights a fortnight but also because we are organised about when we have them so that we can limit any potential clashes.

cargirl I agree that a bit of flexibility on both sides makes things easier. She was just trying to find another sitter. I guess that I'm probably going to have to accept these changes as part and parcel of being a step-mum .

Not sure that another sitter would've got up at 7:30 on Sunday to take one child to gymnastics practice though!

Origami, I have to do some work and don't have time to read the whole thread. But this issue is the single most annoying thing about step-parenting ime.

Our situation has been sooooo much happier since we have got rigid about the schedule and turned down all but emergency last-minute requests.

And the reason you feel irrationally angry is because the ex is dictating how you spend your time and you don't want a woman you don't know to have that power over you. Why would you!

I would say that my DSS is much much happier with a rigid structure too.

speakercorner if you worked in my office I'd be taking you out for lunch today - your third paragraph sums it up entirely.

What do others think...is the best thing for the children:

a rigid structure in order to enhance certainity and therefore security?
OR
flexibility to ensure that the children always feel wanted and are not a source of conflict between their parents?
OR
is there no such thing as a right answer and is being a parent all about trying to do the right thing and never really being sure what that is? (new respect to parents everywhere!)

Be a bit careful with rigid access arrangements - you may end up making a rod for your own back.

Origamirose, my understanding of this is it's not having the DC that's the problem here it the being messed around/control that DPX has over you.
IMO you need DP to tell her that you will consider a request to take the DC in unforeseen circumstances eg sick babysitter at short notice but would like more notice (beginning of each month, at least a week or whatever you prefer) for anything else eg inset day and wants a lie in. This would be a reasonable and flexible compromise.

This is interseting - I agree totally with speakercorner about having the ex dictating your life. It happens to me and I struggle with it. My DH very rarely asks his ex to have the kids on his days but his ex is always asking. It's difficult to plan anything as he always says yes.

Non-seperated parents often get let down by babysitters and it's just too bad - they have to stay in! Why should seperated parents feel that their ex's should help out their social lives?

I think you also have to learn to distinguish between the dad's access arrangements and the ex-wife's babysitting arrangements. The dad should see his kids because he and they need it, not to facilitate the ex's social life.

For a long time I didn't mind DP helping out his ex because I am naturally sympathetic to single parents (my parents are divorced). But it became very clear that the arrangements were all about her needs - our needs, those of our dcs, and even dss's weren't considered at all.

Once she said that she wanted to sort out her social/working arrangements first and then decide which weekends DP could have DSS! I think that was the point when I refused to facilitate the constant changes. She hated it, DP found it hard because he saw DSS a little bit less and there was a fair bit of conflict. A few months on and everyone - even the ex - is comfortable with a strict EOW, one extra evening a fortnight and half the holidays. It just makes more sense and releases all of us from having to be so intricately involved in each other's lives. Best of all, I get to plan things! Heaven!

We don't live nearby - I think that would have broken me in the early days tbh - and we have been doing this for 8 years now so have been through quite a lot of changes. My one piece of advice to all friends breaking up or getting involved with parents is to institute a clear system so that you don't have to engage too much.

I think a rigid agreement is best for the kids within reason. It should end when they are, say, 14 ish and it should always bend for tings the children really want to do with the parent they shouldnt be with if necessary i.e. a family wedding or at Christmas time/ birthdays.

But if I put myself in the shoes of a child... and I was suppoesed to be with my mum on a certain day - then at the last minute I was told I was going to my dad's because mum would prefer to go out drinking... well, I'd be heartbroken.

The dad should see his kids because he and they need it, not to facilitate the ex's social life. This is exactly true, a dad's job isnt respite for the mum... to allow children to think this is detrmental to their view of a father's role.

Thank you mumsnetters for sharing your experiences and views with me.

Thanks to you we took a big step forward today - DP and ex have agreed the rota from now until end of school term, I have installed a calendar on the fridge and (minor miracle) DP said no to swapping weekends this weekend (so that ex could go away with friends next weekend).

Yippppeeeee! Excellent news. When dp started saying no to his ex about the ad hoc weekends you could tell he was terrified of the backlash. There were a few taqntrums (the mum not the kids!) but she realised quite quickly that DP knew it was best for their child and therefore what wouldbe happening.

Before becoming a stepmum, I was a single mum for 9 years and I (sensibly) tried to arrange my social life on the weekends when my child was with my ex. On the weekends he was with me I tended not to go out at all and viewed them as potential quality time with my child .... my ex & I both worked full time so really there wasn't a huge amount of difference between our free time unless you want to get hung up about Mon to Fri free time, which I didn't as going out on a "school night" never held much appeal anyway. On the rare occasions I did get a babysitter on "my" weekends, well, had I been let down I'd have sucked it up and wouldn't have dreamt of asking my ex for help unless a genuine emergency had arisen and really, only had I needed to go to A&E would I have called him - not for my social life.

As a stepmum I've seen the opposite side of the coin as discussed here, compunded by an ex who's made contact extremely difficult over many years .... lots of last minute cancellations, no apology, no explanation given .... e.g. booked and agreed (for months) holidays cancelled the day before, door slammed in DP's face after a 200 mile plus round trip etc. Yet when it suits her she demands we have the kids - the ones we weren't "fit" to have 2 weeks earlier with sometimes just hours notice. If refused, my DP then receives a tirade of abuse about how he doesn't care - and the kids are told this too - despite the fact he'd been trying to sort out contact for years. Unfortunately, with an unreasonable ex, possession being 9/10 of the law and all that, they really do hold all the cards unless you're prepared to go through court - which can take years, be expensive, stressful and with no guarantee. I agree it's soul destroying to have your life controlled by a 3rd party who doesn't give the proverbial about anyone but themselves and who's a complete hypocrite. It has sometimes felt as if we are expected to sit here in limbo waiting for the effing royal command and how dare we do anything else in the meantime. Thankfully because of the distance it isn't always practical for DP to drop everything so I've been protected from this to an extent but it hasn't stopped her trying nonetheless to demand instant babysitting (and yes, they're his kids, but when the ONLY reason he's allowed to see them is to permit her social life then it IS babysitting and of course she doesn't pay 400 miles plus of petrol there and back either or offer to share any part of the driving). DP has been guilty in the past of saying "it's not doing her a favour, it's me seeing my kids" but I disagree ...... when seeing them is so hugely expensive and time consuming you can't just shrug last minute demands off ..... and like it or not this household functions when the skids aren't here - having them here DOES change the dynamic and personally I need to psyche myself up for that, not just have it thrown at me by a selfish cow who has NEVER in 10 years done us any sort of favour whatsoever - in fact she revels in causing trouble, stress and unnecessary spiteful expense at every opportunity.

"Before becoming a stepmum, I was a single mum for 9 years and I (sensibly) tried to arrange my social life on the weekends when my child was with my ex. On the weekends he was with me I tended not to go out at all and viewed them as potential quality time with my child .... my ex & I both worked full time so really there wasn't a huge amount of difference between our free time unless you want to get hung up about Mon to Fri free time, which I didn't as going out on a "school night" never held much appeal anyway. On the rare occasions I did get a babysitter on "my" weekends, well, had I been let down I'd have sucked it up and wouldn't have dreamt of asking my ex for help unless a genuine emergency had arisen and really, only had I needed to go to A&E would I have called him - not for my social life."

I could have writen this. My opinion entirely. Some friends get annoyed when i turn down social invitations on the weekend i have the kids. they don't understand why i wont ask their dad or a babysitter but as you say, when you work full time it's quality time with the children. When you miss out on every other weekend as it is, it is IMO inexcusable to go out socially when you should have your kids - and that goes for mum OR dad.

I'm not a stepmum but I am having difficulties with my ex. And I totally agree with pickyourbrain and catsmother. I do not go out on the weekends I have my kids. I view that as time for me and them to do stuff.

Ex, however, farms them out to enable him to "work", play sport and "go out I have things to do"

Mine too bustersmummy despite only having her every other weekend and one night in the week my DD is always spending 'his' weekends at her grandparents or with his girlfriend while he works (he makes the rotas so he could work on days he doesnt have DD) If a social comes up, he just accepts regardless of whther he has her or not. It just doesnt factor.
Luckily though, he never asks me to have her. He knows better!! I don't think she feels unwanted at the moment as she enjoys the time with her grandad and his girlfriend but I think as she gets older she'll realsie that daddy doesnt value their time together and would rather be out drinking.

I offered to have her 3 weekends out of 4 on the proviso that the weekend he has her he actually has her himself. But he said that wasn't fair on his parents as they enjoy having her...

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but if it were the case that he wanted to make sure she had a relationship with his parents - wouldnt they all do things together?! My mum would like to have DD more often all to herself but she appreciates I want to spend time with her as I have so little of it... we do things together... Obvious solution... I dont just leave dd there all weekend while I go drinking

I was supposed to be on my weekend "off" this weekend just past.

Kids were with him from Friday after school.

DD2 went to his mother so he could play sport

DD1 came to me as she had a school drama club.

Sunday morning (I have a thread with loads of swearing in the title about it) he buggered off before they were up and came back around lunchtime to do something work related. (I brought them to mine)

Some weekend "off".

He isn't having them this week at all in the mid-week as he has a work thing on (I know about, it's long organised) and he isn't having them this weekend at all as it's "my" weekend.

Most weekends they are put to his mum or brother or whoever on the Friday night so he can "work" and stay over til the Saturday evening so he can play sport.

If they're at his mother, he meets them Sunday, goes to Church with mummykins, gets his and their dinner there, collects his washing which mummykins has done, and his food parcel for the week and heads home on Sunday evening.

But the thing is bustersmummy what would you do if you had a work do on a week evening that you had your children? I would, and have, either told my work I can't attend, or made them so aware in advance of the night I dont have my kids that they would plan it for then. Or I would ask a school friend, or I'd ask my mum, or I'd ask my boyfriend. I WOULD NOT be asking my ex... particularly if it was the ONE NIGHT OF THE WEEK I was supposed to have them.

Pickyourbrain - agree totally. I would do my damndest to get out of it, or I would get a babysitter. I wouldn't ask my ex.

But to be fair to him, he's self employed (or self-unemployed ) and he has a trade show this week so it's impossible for him to have them this one particular week.

But there have been plenty of other times when he could have had them and didn't because of work. My argument is, he knows when he has them, just say "I can't call out with you Thursday, could we make it Tuesday" or whatever.

But he doesn't.

Its annoying isnt it. The time I have my DD is in my calendar. It's like an appointment. If something comes up and time with her has been planned - I can't make it, I'm busy. Simple as that. Same as if it said 'dentist' or 'client meeting' The time is being spent! I have commited to giving the time to my DD, who is the most important person in the world, end of.

Shame everyone can't see it like that.

The thing about the trade fair is, if he were more reasonable, that would be fine. As it is, its just another piss take.