If you can't afford one child, you shouldn t have had another one (I quote)

[travispickles]

So as some of you know I have DD of 10 weeks and DP has DS of 10yrs. CM has gone down by 20 quid a month and DP receiving angry texts (see above). She is demanding he makes up the shortfall or she will refuse to bring him into town when she is coming anyway but make us drive the two hour round trip. What she doesn't know is he has just been made redundant so starting Sept he will be sahd looking after baby. CM will go down to minimum. Thing is, I will only just earn enough to keep roof over our heads and she doesn't work although she is a qualified teacher. Do I have right to refuse to pay any of my income to her?

Don't disappear, I am surprised at your circumstances, and hope you realise you're the exception, not the rule.

Posted a long reply and lost it.

Disney Dad is a good description of my husband actually.

I fully acknowledge it is easier when money is not tight, apart from the practical issues it just makes everyone less stressed.

Petal maybe you were right above and I did just lose the fight. Maybe people do take advantage but I honestly do not care if the children are happy and I include my children with DH in that. I just know that I was very unhappy fighting.

Petal I do hope we are not the exception. Maybe I live in a zen bubble with other zen bubble people and I know other step families who get on as we do.

Right I have to go now, I am taking some students on a residential trip in the morning and have to pack.

Very interesting thread. Not sure if anyone has made the point that Travis DH will actually be working - being a SAHP is work and will therefore attract an economic value to Travis and her DH as a couple. Her DH should therefore give some of this income to his DC. Yes technically it may feel unfair to Travis, but IMO we are talking about a real child, already hurt by having it's parents split up. Wrangling over the minutiae just isn't on! I really hope the DC never finds out about all these discussions re money.

I am a stepchild myself. My DSF is best ever, my own DD so wrapped up with family number 2 he has missed playing any part in his Granchildren's lives so it's so not about the money all the time..

Also wanted to make the point that whilst I don't know the circumstances of the exW not working now, we have to recognise that in the majority of cases it is the Dw 's future earning potential damaged by having DCs so that should be recognised if that was the case (although I note Travis says he was Sahd for Dsc).

I can see where you're coming from DSS. There is something about not getting caught up in hostility, being happy in the moment, and counting what blessings you do have.

Things were as bad as they can get with dsd's mum, both with her communications with xh (I'm no longer with him) and with me. She refused to acknowledge my in any way, shape or form, and did her best to prevent xh having a relationship with dsd, and she did and said some pretty vile things to me. I used to get really upset at the unfairness of it all, at not being given a chance to prove that I was a nice person, at getting no acknowledgement of what I was doing for her dd.

And then I realised that I could spend my life being angry and upset and nothing would change. Or I could just put it all to one side as it was all her stuff and not about me at all, and while nothing would change in her behaviour, I'd be a lot happier.

Whether that made a difference to her coming round or not I'll never know, but along the way of that happening I was happier.

And, now I'm no longer with xh, I'm applying the same rule. I paid dsd's maintenance for 4 years when I was with him. Now I've left I'm not getting a penny from him. My friends don't understand how I can just shrug my shoulders about it. I do get annoyed, of course I do, but on the whole I figure that I can be annoyed and have no money from him, or shrug my shoulders and have no money from him, so I'm doing the latter.

teenytinytoes makes a good point about travis DH being a SAHD as work. I've seen person after person on MN going on about how being a SAHP is work and contributes in it's own right so yes, although I said travis shouldnt be handingher money over to ex... maybe actually she should I would never have thought I'd say that but if her DH is working out of the home (technically, if SAHP is work) then she is kind of paying him to look after the kids, do the house work etc.. so maybe some of the income should go to the first family.
Otherwise is it no akin to a self employed dad who sneaks his wages over to his new partner, or off shore, to avoid paying maintenance?

Bottom line though, I still dont think he can afford to be a sahd with two children to support when the first child's mum refuses to work.

F**king italics!!!!

think it's a bit shit to reduce maintenance to the first child.

travispickles

Whatever the morals/rights/wrongs etc. etc. of your situation are the fact remains, whether anyone likes it or not, that legally if your DH isn't earning he would not be required to pay his ex any maintenance

If, heaven forbid, my DH lost his job hell would freeze over before I gave a single penny in maintenance for his adult child

Yep - I agree with that. There's No Way On This Earth I would ever send a single penny of maintenance to the ex if DH lost his job. I think that parents should pay for their children (obviously) but not parents partners/spouses.

But I think it's reasonable that maintenance to Travis's DP's ex should reduce slightly, given there's a new baby in the equation. As several of us have pointed out, even with a 'together' family, the money is diluted a little further each time a new baby arrives.

I think step children do benefit from their step parents job/money without it going to the mum.
Step parents contribute to the family holidays and days out etc gifts and clothing for their step children. I don't think their wages should go to ex wife in general speaking.
However, I think no one would sit back and watch the step child and their mum living in poverty. If this was the case I am sure the father, grandparents and step family would find a way to tighten their belts further to help out. But reality remains in most cases the ex wife is not going without, the children are not going without at their mothers house. But if the father pays a greater maintenance he will not be able to provide for his children when they are with him. It basic maths..... And when mums can afford new clothes weekly and 3 day trips every single week etc then they are not living in poverty

It wouldn't have felt right to me to not continue paying dsd's maintenance when xh wasn't earning, I always viewed it as one of our expenses that we had to account for. As far as I was concerned she was a child of the family and "we" had to support her, regardless of how our circumstances changed.

It's ironic that I am now left supporting dd financially solely by myself - and still paying for things for dsd come to think of it - but I'm a firm believer in karma and I get my payback in so many other ways .

desperately, really interesting to have your backstory.

When I met DH I was so completely convinced that the relationship with his ex would be resolved. He left after she had multiple affairs, I wasn't involved. My approach was that we would always do the right thing for his child and we would always be patient and understanding. My relationship with my ex had been positive so I knew it was possible.

However after many, many years (during which his ex married and divorced again) I've had to accept that no amount of goodwill from us would make his ex reasonable. Sadly we have had to go to court to get a contact order as she refused mediation or any reasonable attempts of conversation. She has treated her latest husband appalling and she has moved onto another partner. I had hoped that would have an positive impact but it doesn't feel as if we have turned a corner yet.

What you highlight is that you made the personal decision to be reasonable, after your Dh had asked you to and you are fortunate that your ex responded in kind. However what most of us are dealing with is an ex who refuses to respond positively - no matter how reasonable.

If we all had reasonable ex's who did co-parent then we this forum would be empty.

Just to clarify - I do not spend 15% of my income plus CB on my child..no way, if that was the formulae then no family could have 4 children as that would equate to 60% of income to support a child PLUS housing and car costs, bills etc. Interestingly, banks have an assessment of what it costs to be a family when assessing mortgage affordability and they do not use anywhere near 15% of income for each child.

My DH contributes 15% to his ex, plus we have housing costs for him, we have similar sized car (since he needs a seat when he's with us), he has clothes, bedclothes, food, haircuts, holidays etc.

Should also add, DH also paid all the childcare costs when the DSS was younger so that his ex could work. I do think that childcare costs should also be factored into support amounts so this would require that the NRP contributes more when the child is younger.

OP - You should stick to your guns. If you give in on this she will think she has a hold over you, and you don't want that. No reason to give in to bullying. It will only get worse.

Smum99 - Don't forget that tax credits have been paying up to 80% of childcare costs and now pay up to 70% of childcare costs.

Well indeed, if tax credits are paying for 80% of childcare, and she?s getting £80 CB, and god know what income support?. What exactly are the costs of the child? If my DP was made redundant I would be stretched to continue to pay £500 a month to his ex? I would be happy to work out what DPs share of her costs were and tighten my belt in order to be able to pay her that? although I don?t believe she does have any costs.

Speaking as an ex single parent who had no maintenance, I intitially went back to work for 16 hours, I can tell you that although I wasn't rich, we lived reasonably well. Certainly we didn't starve, I had an average sized mortgage to pay (at the time) and ran a car and I had no help from family either.

That's why I am always so when PWC claim they are on the poverty line with anything less than hundreds a month.

DP was amazed when I showed him exactly what his ex wife is living on each month.

Wow, that almost moved to me to tears. I have to say at certain moments, I agree 100% with everything you say reallyneedadvicenowplease

The sense of entitelment of some RPs is really beyond.

Ditto.

I have been watching this thread as some this applies to me and my DH, DC's and DSC's. I totally agree with Petal02 and reallyneedadvisenowplease. Ex-W's can be so difficult/selfish without any regards to the DC's feelings, putting them piggy-in-the-middle, when they should not be!!

Travis - I'm just bumping this up; have there been any further developments?

Just back from the in-laws. Evidently his ex/DSS's Mother has been laying it on thick with them that he isn't paying enough and their poor darling grandson is going without because DP has reduced the payments since baby was born. No explanation as to the fact that CSA do that as a matter of course or that she is doing quite well out of all the money she gets (apparently was boasting to his DBro recently). Felt quite uncomfortable there, as if they had all been having a good old bitch before we turned up.

Not read whole thread but I could not respect or be with someone who chose not to contribute to their child's upbringing. The op shouldnt have to either although is getting free childcare out of it. Surely travis's dp should be saying he can't afford not to work as he has another child to support.