If you can't afford one child, you shouldn t have had another one (I quote)

[travispickles]

So as some of you know I have DD of 10 weeks and DP has DS of 10yrs. CM has gone down by 20 quid a month and DP receiving angry texts (see above). She is demanding he makes up the shortfall or she will refuse to bring him into town when she is coming anyway but make us drive the two hour round trip. What she doesn't know is he has just been made redundant so starting Sept he will be sahd looking after baby. CM will go down to minimum. Thing is, I will only just earn enough to keep roof over our heads and she doesn't work although she is a qualified teacher. Do I have right to refuse to pay any of my income to her?

In Petal's defense, the problem with the step child being around when you have a tiny baby is that the step child may not have been brought up in a way that you find acceptable, and to be expected to deal with bad behaviour (on top of no sleep and new mum hormones) which is due to lacs parenting on their mum's part isn't something a lot of new mum's would relish.

Of course it is important that they bond with their new half brother or sister, and of course the step children are just as important as the new baby. But despite it not being the step child's fault, if they are very difficult then it's hardly surprising if some mum's want some time alone with their new baby.

I am currently struggling with the fact that because my DSD has been spoilt by he rmother, she is a bad influence on my DD, who is much younger. I am battling with wanting to do things as a family and including DSd to help her through a difficult time (teens) and wanting a happy environment for my own child. It's really hard. But I suppose if i was to admit that i wish she weren't around sometimes - I'd get flamed?

Come on, a lot of us are bankrolling our partners ex's and looking after their (often badly behaved children) half of the time. If like me you have a child of your own who stays at their dad's sometimes, You spend as much time with your step as you do your own child!

All the children see is a smiling happy face and consistant parenting (which is often more than they get from their own mother) So give us a break if when we have just been in labour for 48 hours we'd like some time alone with our babies!

desparatlyseekingsnoozes the opinion on whether you are a doormat or not must rely on your opinion on how important stay at home mumming is, to me it isnt important (no debate needed, that's my opinion) so they is zero chance that I would have a relationship with someone who paid for their ex to do this while i worked every day I'm afraid. My Dp pays 2 times the CSA amount to his ex who works 16 hours a week and that pisses me off entirely as it is! And no, it's not because i begrudge the child the money, it's because the money doesnt go to the child.

DCSsunhill I find your language disappointing. Is your English so poor you need to resort to swear words to make your point?

Stepchildren are part of the package, I don't think anyone is saying they don't treat them fairly or want them cutout of their partners life but it is understandable that step parents may feel privately that life would be easier without the complication of step children (or in reality the ex who is really the problem in difficult situations).
Anyone involved in step families knows that no matter what they knew they were getting involved in the day to day reality is hard work.
A step parent is the hardest role of all. Your dammed if you do and your dammed if you don't. I read a article a few weeks back where the author (the mum) was complaining about the step mum who had the cheek to use 50sun protection and buy a sun hat for the children holiday with her and their dad. Step mum was said to be interfering and controlling just because she took action to prevent the children getting sun burnt. Now if she had not done that she would have been accused of neglect when the children went home with sun burn.

The father is allowed to have a new family to merge with his first children just like the mother is able to have a new partner and family life.
Children in the new family can be beneficial and add to the first children's childhood

DCSsunhill do you also not give a flying 'f**k' about the hundreds on women who post on here daily about their marital/family/children problems, or do you reserve your contempt solely for stepmothers?

berrieberrie providing a SAHP for our children has always been important to both my DH and I. It was something we discussed before we married and one of the things I love about my DH was his determination to provide his son with the best start in life. It would be odd if I then wanted him to stop doing that simply because he was married to me or because I wanted a child. As I said above I was a SAHP to one child for five years and a differing length of time for the other children. We are both mothers to his children and therefore in respect to that role we are treated equally.

Both my husband and I grew up with unloving step parents and in poverty caused by absent fathers, we refuse to inflict this on other children.

We both believe that if you have sex with someone you have to accept that there may be a child that results from that. Therefore you have to be open to the fact that there may be a life long emotional and financial link between you and a sexual partner.

I do not recognise the descriptions of being a step parent on this site which is why I never post on the threads. Being a step parent is difficult but only in the sense that being a parent is difficult. My stepson is not difficult and does not overly demand time with my husband. He of course wants to see him as they do not live together.

You're very fortunate dss.

But it is fortune we have created. I could have stamped my foot at my DH and demanded that he pay less child support. I could have made my stepson feel uncomfortable in our own home. I could bitch about the mother of my stepson. I do none of those things and hence we have a great relationship.

"But it is fortune we have created"- dss that is absolute nonsense, and shows your ignorance of circumstances outside your own experiences

You talk of open discussions with the DSC's mother for example. Try that with a person whose stock response is "I don't do conversations with you", or "I don't need to discuss this with you", or "You aren't important as a father, I am the childrens' mother", etc etc.

One can only create one's fortune according to the opportunities available. Don't talk absolute nonsense. You could do all that you have referred to and more, yet still be treated like absolute cr*p by the DSC' s mother, and given no choice or say whatsoever over anything. One can only have a good relationship with someone who is willing to reciprocate. Control freaks, on the other hand, tend not to fit into this category. Consider yourself blessed rather than patronising others

desperately its great that you have the relationship you do and I for one am very jealous indeed, however I think suggesting that you do it better therefore all the problems go away is somewhat naieve. All situations are very different and the reason people are here is often because they are struggling. You will rarely see a post on the relationship boards about a great relationship because people in a good situation just dont need to talk about it. It is the same here.

DSS - you seem to have an almost zen-like calm about a situation that would have lots of us climbing the Walls. You say you were happy to live frugally and delay your own pregnancy to enable your husband's ex to be a SAHM; your sense of acceptance could be compared to women in certain cultures who say they accept their husbands have numerous wives. Were you honestly happy to make so many unusual sacrifices? Or were you told "it's this way, or no way" by your husband?

There's a touch of the Stepford Wife in your posts.

I know plenty about bitter relationships between battling parents, that is exactly how I grew up. I had a very very bitter divorce myself and spent years that I am deeply ashamed of treating my child as a pawn in our divorce. We have said and done awful things togther and meeting my current husband made me see the light. He sat me down and told me that he loved me deeply but could not marry a women who was clinging on to past resentments. So I made a decision to change. For about a year my ex husband took the piss, but slowly he came around. That is not about good fortune that is about hard work and a willingness to put my child first.

My husband and the mother of his child have also worked hard to create their positive relationship. My stepson was conceived as the result of a one night stand. His mother has admitted that she was not honest about taking the pill. She didn't because she wanted a baby. She intended to raise the child on her own. When my DH found out he was furious. She refused to let my DH see the child when it was born, he was not allowed his name on the birth certificate and was referred to as the sperm donor. I knew my DH at the time as a friend and to my shame advised him to walk away. He didn't and for the first few months he paid maintenance without seeing the child. Envelopes through the door! Gradually an amicable relationship developed between them. That is not about good fortune or luck but again hard work and a willingmess to put his child before his pride.

I am not commenting on your situation, I don't know enough about it. I know that all of us in this situation, my husband, my ex husband, my stepson's mother and my daughter's stepmother have all made a firm commitment to put whatever disagreements we have aside so our children can grow up together in one happy extended family.

I do have a zen like calm about me. I have had enough stress in my life and no longer want it. I therefore do let things wash over me.

"For about a year my ex husband took the piss, but slowly he came around. That is not about good fortune that is about hard work and a willingness to put my child first"

So you admit that your ex husband came around. My experience is that DH's ex has not 'come around'. Rather she has contined to harbour inexplicable resentments for a prolonger period of time which is outside my realm of understanding. This one example of your good fortune, rather than hard work

"My husband and the mother of his child have also worked hard to create their positive relationship." - This is great for you, they are both willing to work hard. However, my experience of DH's ex is that the only thing she is determined to do is to make absolultely everything as difficult as humanly possible for DH, or anyone within his family, to have anything to do with DSSs at all. Again, you are fortunate

Your posts are almost like me going on a domestick abuse site and advocating my good fortune as a woman who has not had to experience any of the difficulties in their lives. Honestly, you come across so smug, it is absolutely unbelievable

Sorry posted before I meant to.

There is nothing stepford wife like about me at all. What have I sacrificed? In reality nothing. I waited a while before having my first child with my DH. I have four children of my own and two wonderful step children, in part because I was patient. I have gained and not lost.

Comparing my situation to polygamy is laughable. Both myself and stepson's mother are very fiery characters who are not easily dominated. But why as a mother do I have rights over and above the mother of DH's first son. As a wife it is clearly different. We do however all go on holiday together which I am sure would raise a few conservative eyebrows on here.

really dss, why don't you go on other threads where women are experiencing difficulties (for example domestic violence, phychological disorders etc etc). with your words of wisdom. I've sure the female population in general has a lot to learn from you wise ways

Yes my ex DH came around but that was after years of an abusive marriage and relationship and then a divorce that was so bitter we worked through a series of divorce lawyers and an obscene amount of money. I think it took us about 3 years to get divorced. In that time police were called to settle disputes. Belongings were smashed rather than shared. My ex husband emptied our shared bank account and donated it to charity rather than let me have any. He burned my belongings in front of me, dragged me through a false social services investigation out of spite. He once refused to hand her back after a contact visit meaning I did not see her for weeks. I then rather childishly took her to live in France for three months out of spite. Having been there I did not feel very fortunate or smug. Infact I have admitted on here to treating my daughter like a pawn to win points in a divorce battle - that hardly makes me smug.

I can completely understand how someone may feel they've had enough of stress, and just don't want to fight any more. but I think there is a fine line between letting it all wash over you, and putting up with more than you should for the sake of a quiet life, and being walked all over.

You were angry and judgemental in your earlier posts, when people expressed views that didn't concur with yours. Which is an unusual reaction for someone who is genuinely happy with their lot.

I really do not know why you are being aggressive with me. I have just had the audacity to suggest that all the children should be treated equally. I made it clear I was not commenting on your situation but that I did not think that the good relationship in my own extended family came from good luck. It was about hard work ( and some counselling).

I did not mean to be angry or judgemental. I guess that may be the guilt coming out over how I acted after my divorce.Or it could have just hit a raw nerve as I was the abandoned child or the stepchild that was made to feel as if I was in the way. I apologise for that.

Yet still you say he 'came around'. Plenty of people have been through worse than that, with ex's who have still not 'come around'

Like it or not, you sound smug. And not just to me

desperately its fine, we all say things the wrong way, perhaps it would be easier if you were to put yourself (very temporarily) in the mindset you were back then - how would you feel if someone said what you just did? Or if you had been the partner of either yourself or your ex at the time - how would they have felt watching that? Many of us are there right now - you chose to behave differently, because you loved someone else enough to want to. What about an ex who doesnt want to move on or cant? Situations are so very different and you and your partner and exes sound like you are doing great but that is because four people individually chose to - free will means unfortunately that just wont be the case for everyone and those people have a right to vent their spleens every now and then.

I am willing to accept that I may be have been lucky that he came around eventually. But that only happened because I made a change otherwise we would still be screaming hate at each other and making our daughter's life a misery.

I recognise that I am lucky to have escaped an abusive marriage and to have met a man as wonderful as my husband. I am eternally grateful that he told me there was another way to live my life.

I was just trying to present another view, as I said I don't think I have ever posted on step parenting threads before despite being a step parent myself. I did not mean to be smug. I think I will stick to style and beauty, they are all thinner and prettier than me so less chance of coming across as smug.

I have no interest in being aggressive. but you arrived on this thread with negative views about posters who struggle with stepparenting. Rather like posting on a 'debt help site' saying "if only you'd been careful with your money like me"

Lots of us have found ourselves struggling through no fault of our own. combine Disney dad with a toxic ex and clingy stepkids and very little money - and you probably wouldn't have your zen-like calm.

Thankyou pretty. It is very kind of you to stick your head above the parapet and say soothing words to me. At this point threads often tip into a massive rant against one person who ends up in flouncers corner licking her wounds.

I can remember what it felt like when my DH told me that I was as much in the wrong as my ex. I can remember him telling me that I could have a positive relationship with my ex husband and my child would benefit. I was furious and certainly did not act as a potential stepford wife! I am not saying petal that you are to blame before i get pounced on again.