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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

help - hate boyfriends ex

28 replies

mrsbeesley · 01/03/2011 17:55

help please! am 3 months into new relationship with an amazing man, i love him so much he is perfect and we are so close already. I have 3 young children and have been single for a year, am on amicable terms with my ex. boyfriend has a young son who i have met lots of times now and felt we were starting a good bond, the kids all get on and things were going great,till last visit when the ex girlfriend dropped him here so i spoke to her for the first time and since then i am having doubts about coping with the whole situation. without sounding snobby (i have no money and this isn't about money) she was really common, she trapped my boyfriend into having the child and he says they never got on. the realisation we are going to have to deal with this common, manipulating, lazy woman is scaring me but i can't walk away as ive found the love of my life. forgot to say she makes things difficult as she can with pick up times etc she is rude to ex and doesn't get child to school etc.
really need advise

OP posts:

JeremyVile · 01/03/2011 17:58

I suggest you ask your boyfriend to cut all contact with his son.

It's the only way.

BooyFuckingHoo · 01/03/2011 17:59

you have known him 90 days. do not believe that she trapped him, is manipulating, lazy.

my advice? step right back out of this. you may think 3 months makes this serious and makes you a step parent. it doesn't you are the girlfriend of the child's dad. you have met this woman once and yet you are hating her, calling her common. don't let your love for this man blind you to his behaviour. he is making his ex out to be a demon. that alone would have me running for the hills.

Original poster

mrsbeesley · 01/03/2011 18:12

he is not making out she is a demon, i have seen what she is like - not being home at arranged pick up times etc, just little spiteful things. to be honest he says it has got better since we met and she seems to be calming down now she sees he has moved on. she has a new partner to, so it could all get better. conflict just scares me, my split was very amicable and we are on fine speaking terms to,so is very different to my break up. I think if i don't see her it will be easier as you stated i am not a step parent just his girlfriend, so i don't have to be involved in all that.
thanks for the reply

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 01/03/2011 18:18

You can tell a lot about a man by the way he talks about his ex.

BooyFuckingHoo · 01/03/2011 18:18

i think you need to be asking yourself, if she is so spiteful, is he like that too? otherwise why would he have been with her in the first place. is he spiteful and petty? honestly?

and saying that someone trapped you into having a baby is a pretty nasty thing to say if it isn't true. if it is true it is a pretty nasty thing to do, eitehr way he is making her out to be pretty bad by saying that.

BooyFuckingHoo · 01/03/2011 18:19

agree US

Original poster

mrsbeesley · 01/03/2011 18:25

he hasn't actually said much bad about her! thats ny opinion from the way she can't be bothered to get him to school every day and from the spiteful things she does. he tries not to rock the boat or she will be funny about letting him have contact.and pretending to be on the pill is trapping in my book!! am going to be staying with him so we will just have as little contact with her as possible. how come you all so quick to defend the woman and think the worst of men, theyre not all bad!

OP posts:

BooyFuckingHoo · 01/03/2011 18:29

who said that she trapped him you can't surely have formed that opinion yourself?

BooyFuckingHoo · 01/03/2011 18:30

" how come you all so quick to defend the woman and think the worst of men,"

yours is a common story, most of us know how it ends.

Original poster

mrsbeesley · 01/03/2011 18:32

god what crap help - you lot are as bad as her can't be bothered to read anymore...........

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 01/03/2011 18:38

Its because we are common

BooyFuckingHoo · 01/03/2011 18:42

oh, fine then, be desperately in love with this angel of a man who was trapped by this evil common witch. spend teh next 18 months slagging her off and hating her and slowly turning into her only for him to leave and tell his next girl all about how evil and manipulative you are. good luck.

StewieGriffinsMom · 01/03/2011 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

prettyfly1 · 01/03/2011 20:38

I follow the others and I rarely do that. I think getting yourself this worked up and involved after three months is ill advised for your sake as much as anything else. To be quite frank you dont him. You might be getting to know him but after three months you dont KNOW him well enough to make these calls. How do you know the ex doesnt get his child to school on time, how do you know she wasnt on the pill when she said she was - I assume she didnt tell you this, therefore clearly someone else has. Did he tell you this?

Many, many of us have difficult exes to deal with and its a killer but you are too soon into this relationship to even begin thinking that you have any say whatsoever in this childs life or the decisions her parents make and if you find it hard now then you should very definitely consider walking away before the child gets hurt.

Drizzela · 01/03/2011 20:46

Had you been around for A LOT longer I would have every sympathy for you but really, the fact your boyfriend has spoken so ill of the mother of his child at this stage is worrying.

My Dp's ex is vile, really she is, but he never spoke about her in anyway other than utterly respectfully for at least a year because he wanted me to see for myself what the situation was before making my mind up. Even now he'll speak about specific situations but not in a personally disrespectful way.

I think you should be less quick to beleive a person you have known for 3 months over a person you have known only a short while less.

If she turns out to be a meany after about a year or so, come back and we'll give you some advice.

You might need a bit more than 'common' for us to go on though

Smum99 · 01/03/2011 21:02

I'm going to give an alternative view - you might have seen a glimpse into the future so that could a warning BUT as the others posters say after 3 months you don't yet know enough about him to determine if this relationship will fly.

Let's say 2 years down the line you know him and are now comfortable to make a commitment how will you feel about the situation? If you're struggling now it's likely you'll struggle later. The difficulty is that he will be linked to her for a long period of time - think about events that you will have to share in the future, can you really cope. Also it's important to make sure you are never negative to her son about her - even if you feel it you must be positive. If you can do that (and its really, really not easy) then you might manage but being a step mum is tough. Have a look back on threads here you will see a lot of stepmums regret getting involved however most of us didn't have the warning in the early days. You have that, if you choose not to act on it just be prepared for the difficulties ahead.

LaDolceRyVita · 02/03/2011 09:16

You hardly know enough about this man, to form an objective and realistic opinion.

Here's a line for ya......"one story's good, til another's told" meaning simply, his version of events is precisely that, HIS version. His ex will no doubt have her own "take" on their relationship.

I was once in a relationship with a man who had no kids. Turned out SIX months down the line, his "niece" was in fact his daughter; his ex-wife "trapped" him into marrying her because she was pregnant. NO! In a roundabout kind of way, I was "acquainted" with this evil ex and she didn't trap him. He happily walked up the aisle and played happy families until.....he was unfaithful to her.

If, as time goes by, your relationship is sound and the ex really is that heinous (and she WILL HAVE HER REASONS, BELIEVE ME) then, by all means, ask for advice and I'm sure you'll get it. In the meantime, step back, be a peripheral part of this father/son relationship (in case you're a part of their future) and see this for what (at the moment it is). You've met a lovely man, you love being with him....he may be your "one". In time. Enjoy that. Don't get bogged down in their "ex" relationship.

And for God's sake, ignore JeremyVile's advice in insisting this man cuts off his young son. That road leads to disaster for his son, any relationship you may all have in future and the boy's adulthood. This little boy didn't ask for all this stuff!

LaDolceRyVita · 02/03/2011 09:21

Oh, and she's "common"? We are what we are. I know "common" people who're decent and right thinking and would do anything for you. I know so called "middleclass" folks who'd sell their granny's to get one over on you and are "all fur coat and no knickers" as they say.

Who are you to judge her "class" in this way?

Lee32 · 02/03/2011 09:50

You need more time to get a full perspective on this whole situation, and to allow your new relationship to unfold and develop.

I don't think it's wise to make too final a judgment on this woman. Maybe your initial impression of her is correct, but there could also be other aspects to her and her present situation that you haven't discovered yet. And if she has a new partner, things are bound to change and develop in that area too, which will probably affect how she deals with everyone else. All in all it's just too early to take a hard line. (How old is the boy BTW?)

If conflict scares you, can you just step back from it and let your partner deal with her? It's his history, after all. I think you need to minimise the possibility of clashes by simply not engaging with her any more than is unavoidable. At least for now. If you do take on the full role of stepmum later on, you will at least have more information to build on by that time.

I hope you're still reading cos there's a lot of good advice on here, especially in the some of the posts directly above.

nenevomito · 02/03/2011 10:36

This is not crap help - a bit harsh, perhaps, but not crap.

First off 3 months is nothing. You are still in the rose-tinted spectacles period of the relationship where everything is lovely and charming. You need to wait until the fug has lifted before you are able to see things objectively.

How he talks about his Ex sets off warning bells. When I met my DH, he didn't introduce me to his DD until we had been going out together for 6 months as he wanted to be sure that this was a long term thing. He also said NOTHING about his Ex, even though they had had a very unpleasant break-up as he wanted our relationship to be about us and not that. That is what decent men do. From first hand experience, however a man talks about his Ex will probably be how they will talk about you should you break up.

Remember - if she was so awful why did he go out with her at all. Hmm?

Secondly, I worry that you are so quick to judge his ex - 3 months and one meeting is quick by anyone's standards. The fact that you are so willing to take on face value whatever your bf tells you does not bode well for your future together. Do you think one meeting and info from your bf is really sufficient to get an accurate picture of their history? If you do, then you need to have words with yourself.

NB - Anyone who knows me will know that I rarely flame anyone who posts on the SP boards. However you've come across as either gullible or rather unpleasant. Come back in 6months to a year and tell us about how difficult the ex is with some concrete evidence and then I'll listen.

ConfessionsOfaFlask · 02/03/2011 11:09

OP Did you just expect that we would all start EX bashing ?

Like BH said- his attitute rings alarm bells and 3 months is WAY too early to make up your mind about this woman or the whole relationship for that matter.

LaDolceRyVita · 02/03/2011 13:09

We're not ex-bashing! We're just saying, you haven't known him that long and be careful. You may find, over time, that there's more to the story than you know now.

Be kind to the little boy, won't you?

Chandon · 02/03/2011 13:14

I am always VERY about men who blame women for being tricked into pregnancy.

surely he knows how it works, and knows that if he would not want a baby he should have used condoms. Not difficult.

He is the one coming out of this looking worse than her.

You don't know her side of the story.

balia · 02/03/2011 20:29

Not that I'm disagreeing with the advice on the thread, but...are we actually saying here that there are NO bad mothers, no women who lie about contraception, and no women who do spiteful little things to make contact between a father and the children difficult, and if there are, it is only because said husband has done something terrible? and she WILL HAVE HER REASONS, BELIEVE ME

And I thought this remark was interesting, too...

You can tell a lot about a man by the way he talks about his ex because in that case we can tell an awful lot about the legions of women who post about their awful, controlling, abusive ex's. But oddly I've never seen this remark on one of those threads. I've also never seen anyone imply that the unpleasant behaviour of an ex was somehow a woman's fault, either.

ConfessionsOfaFlask · 02/03/2011 20:52

balia- I see where you are coming from.

There ARE loads of awful Exes- a few of us on this boards are sadly having to deal with them. DH's Ex who's is okay now but has been completely horrid and downright mad at times. DH never told me she was and he never tolerated anyone saying anything bad about her in front of the children- I found out soon after we got married and I had more contact with her and what I heard through the children. I made my own mind up about her.

It's just too easy to jump in & start bashing her so early in a relationship. OP still barely knows this man, 3 months is nothing.

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