why is it so fecking hard ?

[droves]

im about ready to give up .

make effort to include , buy gifts, send cards, put my own needs last , doesnt matter what i do.

dd1 is getting married . im not invited .

Her words to dh ... its just the parents , and the brothers.

words fail me.

she doesnt consider ds4 her brother ? or dd4 her sister.im hurt by this more than the fact i wont be at her wedding.

Droves - honestly you are better off out of it - it wouldn't be enjoyable anyway - I would hate it - I know how you feel always being treated as a second class citizen and after-thought if even that!

I have been treated like poo with all OH's family occasions - in particular his brother's funeral - I didn't figure at all - the family even got my name wrong when discussing whether I should go or not. We had been together 5 years!!!

Ex-wife was in the front car enjoying being a professional mourner, (which she is very good at when it comes to OH family). OH needed me to support him on this very sad occasion and to give him credit, he just attended the service and refused to go back afterwards - this to his children's great disapproval - they didn't think I should be there either (regardless of their Dad's feelings) and that their mother should be accompanying their Dad in the family car. Kind of as if you can rewind lives to a past tense and scrub out the present and all the people in the here and now.

Honestly, please don't torture yourself when you can't change anything, just rise above it and do what's best for you and your kids in the present and future.

Ok. Droves, I'm sending you a hug....make that several, you can put a couple away for future use. I think you're going to need 'em.

Firstly, stop with all the putting yourself last, thing. Today. You are important, or at least equally as important as anyone else in this family. Your step daughter has, for her own reasons, decided that her wedding is to be just parents. It's a narrow minded perspective when there are at least, 3 parents in this scenario but, perhaps she doesn't have the emotional maturity to see that. As time (and life) goes by, and I don't wish her any ill but she may have experiences herself that will bring her to the conclusion that, in this instance, she has been unkind verging on cruel in her inability to include family members who would love to be there on her special day.

Is it her? Is it her mum, not wanting you there? Is she simply and manipulatively making her dad "choose" between you two? She's the only one can answer that. Whatever. Her dad will be there. He might want to make a stand?

My DH, who's attending his daughter's (my SD) graduation this Sept WITH ME his wife, has been told that, should he attend with me, his exW won't go. He has said, if she so chooses, that's her problem and very sad. (background: His ExW's affair ended their marriage 4 yrs before he met me.) But, he has said WE will be there, come what may.

You know, let your SD do as she pleases. It's HER day. And you, do something lovely yourself that day. You and your twins. You sound lovely and she may come to regret this, in her future.

. It gets better !
Dh has told me that dd1 has asked if i will make her bridal bouquet.
Why did she not ask me herself ?

Dh did tell dd1 that...
A)I feel hurt by the fact the twins are not invited to the wedding.
..(.In reply dd1 said oh , well, the twins can come then.)

and B) He feels insulted that i was not invited , that I am his wife and if im not going , then hes not going. Too which dd1 stuttered and stammered and didnt really say anything but made shocked noises.

After a few silent minutes she told dh that her dp's mother's boyfriend isnt comming either. DH pointed out that i am his wife , and her future MIL has only been with her boyfriend for about 5 mins , so its not comparable.

I'm so glad your DP stuck up for you and showed DD that you are important.

Do you think DD will now be shocked into inviting you and if she does, will you go?

YAY that is brilliant news Droves. I am really happy that your DH has stood up and said what he needs to - I hope it makes her take stock of her behaviour (although she sounds like a spoilt brat who doesn't actually have any good manners or respect for anyone but herself).

I'm so glad she gave your DH the opportunity to say what he needed to and at least it shows you how much he respects you.

Lxx

droves What an awful situation.

When I married the first time, my mother told me she would be "very unhappy" if my step mother came to my wedding. My step mom is lovely and had been around since I was 7 but, blood is thicker than water and the choice was very clear to me that I either upset my mother or my step mother and there was only one really outcome. (Just to add when I married a second time - I was older and wiser and told my mother not to be so ridiculous and I would invite who I wanted and she would have to like it or lump it !). Try not to blame her too much Would your dh be in a position to speak to her mum ?

I am now a step mother and have been in my dsd's life since she was 15 months old. I find it hard to detach and it already hurts that I am not invited to her birthday parties/dance shows/nativities etc. because it would make her mum feel awkward. I sort of hope that by the time she marries (she's only 7 atm), things will have settled down and I will be included more. But reading some of the responses on here, it seems unlikely

I too am glad that your husband has stood up for your relationship....as his WIFE.

How crass, to ask HIM to ask YOU to do the flowers. Is your SD very thick skinned?!

wendihouse22 ... i thought that was a bit cheeky...but i am surprised , i thought she would ask to borrow my jewellery to wear .
I have beautiful sets given to me by dh and my favorite auntie , both very wedding type.

id still let her borrow them.

She sounds quite dim not to have realised that it was rude not to invite her own sisters, half or otherwise. Sorry to be blunt but if she's old enough to get married then she's old enough to be judged by adult standards of decent moral behaviour and manners fgs.

I'm so glad that your DH said this on your behalf. Her mother's new boyfriend is indeed hardly comparable to you having been in her life for such a long time. Selfish little mare - I'm sorry but I don't really buy that whole scared to offend her mother nonsense. She's an adult now, time to make her own decisions

not her mums new boyfriend , its her future mum-in-laws new boyfriend.

I have also been told that she has also disapointed her closest cousin.
They grew up together and wee more like best friends. dd1 met her fiance through her cousin. Cousin has been promised numerous times that she'd be dd1's bridesmaid.
Apparently dd1's 40 yr old aunt is to be bridesmaid.(her mums sister).
The wedding is to be held in the town the auntie lives in and not where dd1 and the rest of us live.
wtf is going on?

I really feel for you and hope that dsd doesn't do this to me!

Sounds very odd re aunt, is there any possibility that the aunty has some illness/is dying and so dsd wants to do this for her? How close is she really to her aunty?

Sounds to me that, her mum and she have sat down and organised this wedding to include only "mum's side" and I'd advise.....let them get on with it.

Don't hold it against her, she sounds very immature, to me. But DON'T forget it either.

I think she is indeed a "little mare". You're better off doing something special yourself on that day....tell her to get her own bloody flowers and be there for DH when he returns from what sounds like, this three ring circus wedding!!

Oh, and I wouldn't lend her my jewellery. Cheeky little cow!!

Remember, stop putting everyone else first. If you do, that's exactly how you'll be treated. Like you're last on everyone's list.

There has been no contact with dd1 for about a week , i asked dh where is she ?.(she usually appears unexpected).
Dh said "dd1 only phones me when shes wanting something ."
The look on his face, .
I have came to the sad conclusion that dd1 is more her mothers child than dh's .

Re: The Auntie ....the only thing the aunt suffers from is too much fake tan.
She doesnt have children of her own (had clamidia and it rotted her tubes , very sad actually).
So she is understandably close to all her neices and nephews.
But an aunt is an aunt , not a parent.
Dont see why she can bring her husband ?(who she is seperated from but stil friends iykwim) .

Walk away from this. For now. Your dd may be "back" in the future but frankly, I'd let it go and as I say, be there to support your DH who's going to need it.