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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Drug Step Hell - help

46 replies

onlyone · 16/02/2011 22:48

I need help. I posted this in Lone parents and got no response and believe me this is not a pop at step parents, this is genuine fear for my kids and how to protect them.

My Ex and his soon to be new partner and step to my DCs have just sunk to new lows. ( Apologies to all decent steps but this one shames all steps, women and decent human beings)

It has come to my attention that step is addicted to prescription drugs and indulges in the "odd Line" of cocaine. Those of you who ask for evidence - the pics speak for themselves!

Before any one screams at me, DCs, not being allowed out of my sight, contact done in my house and she no longer has contact. I have not said why, just acting like the EX from hell!!

DCs are my number one priority and their safety and well being.

I now wish to proceed to make sure potential step has no contact with DCs, one of which is disabled. I have no wish to stop EXH having contact as generally is a good Dad and DCs love him to bits. I know this will make new family life hard for them but personally do not give a shit as 2 under 5s and one disabled take priority in my head over everything etc.

Anyone know what I need to do next to make sure they are protected. Do I need to go to court etc etc - just do not want my DCS exposed to this. Not sure EXH is aware of the problem and its extent, she is a confabulating liar and fantasist of extreme proportions and has more hospital appointments than most OAPs and they can still find nothing wrong with her. He is obsessed with her and can not see any faults in her - ( refuses to read the evil texts she sends me, stuff in the post etc, as I am faking e mails from her address - someone tell me how to do it, please!!!)

OP posts:

nenevomito · 17/02/2011 13:32

onlyone I hope you don't mind, but I've read through some of your other posts to understand of how you have got to this stage now. You have been through some really hard times, made all the worse by this being one of your friends and someone you trusted. Unfortunately because of the way she got together with your husband, I can imagine that some may think you are acting out of malice.

I don't think you are acting out of malice and I really feel for you.

Thank you for feeling you could post in SP. We don't think that all steps are wonderful and ex's are evil. Some of us have been an ex as well as a step or a line parent and know that there are all sorts of good and bad on all sides of the fence.

If I were in your position now, I would do the following.

Collate all of the evidence - e.g. emails, texts and transcripts and details of times when she has acted in an unreasonable manner, e.g. when she called you and said that your Ex was going to harm himself when he had your children. Include the photos's of the drug taking.

Once you have collated them together, put them in time and date order.

Put in writing your concerns. Get a family member to read through what you have written so that they can make sure that it is completely objective and deals only with the facts and not how you are feeling about it.

Go to a family solicitor and see if you can have a case to ask for supervised contact or for her to not have contact with your children.

I feel for you as it is not going to be easy, but you have the right to be certain that your children are safe.

nenevomito · 17/02/2011 13:36

I disagree CinnabarRed. I have a relaxed attitude to drugs, but never, ever when there are children in the house. Coke makes you edgy, more likely to act irrationally or dangerously or snap when you run out and start to come down. It is absolutely not acceptable to do it anywhere near children.

SecondMrsS · 17/02/2011 13:46

Thomas annual dated when the step kids were there? How can that be??

SecondMrsS · 17/02/2011 13:47

And everyone's advice was constructive until the 'step bitch' comment was brought to light.

tallpoppies · 17/02/2011 13:54

I think maybe the original "step-bitch" comment was ill advised but it wasn't posted in here, it was referred to latterly in another post. The op made a distinction between "decent" steps and the person she is writing about and I don't think she would have posted in here looking for advice if she hated all step-mothers!
I guess in the same way that the ex wife can be a decent person or a bitch then the same can apply to step-mothers too? Same as in any other walk of life you get good and bad.
Anyway, let's not get hung up over one comment eh?

SecondMrsS · 17/02/2011 14:00

Oh blah.

Wouldnt have got hung up if I wasnt deleted. I despise having my posts deleted. Probably unreasonable but hey ho.

it pains me to think of people getting all offended about a random comment made by a complete stranger.

magicjamas · 17/02/2011 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CinnabarRed · 17/02/2011 15:08

Magicjamas and Babyheave - I agree with you in that I too wouldn't have coke in the house (and have never done it myself). But I do think that there is a difference between doing coke in front of children and doing it once their in bed if someone else is sober and responsible. Particularly if it were a one-off (although presumably this isn't).

prettyfly1 · 17/02/2011 15:33

I took a wee while to really read your op and I have to be honest any suggestion of drugs around my children, or my step son would have me furious, done in front of them or not. I dabbled in my youth and I could not have been responsible for a child under the influence. I would be very unhappy for my kids to be around someone who used recreationally or otherwise and as their parent that is my right. It is also yours. The kids might be in bed but kids can get up at any time and if my children were exposed to this even accidentally I would flip. Was the table washed down properly afterwards? Coke residue gets bloody everywhere, nasty stuff that it is.

Trust me if the emails are faked the police will find out, so report it all to the police right now with every piece of evidence you have and take it from there. Dont call her names though as it suggests you may have issues that are less then about your kids.

Original poster

onlyone · 17/02/2011 20:11

I am sorry you found offence to the comment magicjamas but it is the case that you can not criticise a step on this forum regardless of their behaviour and like EXW no one here is perfect.

The incident was mid afternoon, on a week day when they have the DCs and ExH at work. 2 yr old still has a nap but 4 yr old does not. She was the sole adult responsible in the house - that I think speaks for itself.

Solicitor tomorrow at 1500 so will see what they say and will feedback

OP posts:

magicjamas · 17/02/2011 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nenevomito · 17/02/2011 20:52

I don't get your comment about how you can't criticise a step parent in this forum either as almost all of the posters have been saying they thought your Ex's partner is not behaving well and most of us are steps and SP board regulars.

Sorry if you feel that way, but it's a bit insulting when we've offered help.

Moving on from that - and I would rather that we did. Good luck at the solicitors tomorrow. I really hope you can get some help to sort this out.

Original poster

onlyone · 18/02/2011 01:55

Calm please.

I do think I have been given support and am glad I posted here. This forum has people like I said who have experienced the good the bad and the ugly of step / blended / own children and where I stood legally etc I had not got a clue. Having read some of the traumas some people have had, thought someone may have been there before. i had no pre conceived ideas of what advice I would get and you get some different views some I agree with some I do not - c'est la vie.

It is not uncommon for posters on this forum to call the BM some fairly inflammatory comments ( unhinged, mad, evil etc etc ) they may be right they may be wrong - just like my comment.I am not insulting everyone here - and read my original post - I am well aware that not all steps are evil, likewise all BMs are not evil either!

I hate the woman for a number of reasons that babyheave has noted. However, I have been trying to survive and let my DCs see their Dad with two people I struggle to trust. Fragile Trust that was blown away in a second when I saw the picture and yes anger and fear for my DCs.

What has surprised me is the number of people who appear to think that drugs in the house done away from the kids are OK. This to me is an absolute no no and a view that I had not anticipated hearing, that she would find a concensus that says it is OK, has shocked me. I abhor drugs and do not indulge in anyway shape or form, I work in an area where I see on a daily basis the harm they do from babies through to adults - there is in my mind no safe level to indulge it is either or. Too many people I see are recreational users who make a mistake one day and the consequences are devastating.

However, as the wheels of life turn, she was stopped for driving erratically about four hours ago and failed a breath test. I can sit by and watch her and EXH self destruct as they seem to be doing very rapidly but I do have to ensure my DCs do not get caught in the fall out.

I thank all for their advice just no the personal abuse directed by some who seem to have another agenda.

OP posts:

SecondMrsS · 18/02/2011 09:10

After about 10 posts of asking about whether the drugs were done in front of the children you've finanlly told us "The incident was mid afternoon, on a week day when they have the DCs and ExH at work. 2 yr old still has a nap but 4 yr old does not. She was the sole adult responsible in the house - that I think speaks for itself."

Of course that is unacceptable. I still feel that to get any kind of ruling though you would need to have access with the dad banned too. And rightly so if he's allowing this to happen.

CinnabarRed · 18/02/2011 13:49

Agreed - that was completely unacceptable.

SparkleSoiree · 18/02/2011 18:23

How did your solicitors appointment go today? Did you get anything positive out of it?

Original poster

onlyone · 19/02/2011 11:17

Brain still trying to cope with what the solicitor said - will post when I can formulate a response that is coherent, fit for public consumption and not after the large gin I had when I got home.

Good bits and bad bits and alot of work that I need to do but also getting EXH to realise that his new partner has issues - not something I really want to enter in to it, he has moved on and I can accept that but now have to confront the issues because the DCS are and will remain my number 1 priority.

Bollocks - who invented drugs!

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 19/02/2011 15:51

Someone with few morals I would imagine. Let us know how you are getting on when you have had some time to process everything - you must be sooooo stressed.

nenevomito · 19/02/2011 21:26

Hi onlyone. Hope you're doing OK and that you can get this sorted.

Original poster

onlyone · 20/02/2011 09:33

Ok - short version.

"Oh shit!" said the solicitor ( a friend for anyone who thinks it was unprofessional!)

"Oh big shit" said I!

She will lose her licence for the drinking and driving - life about to get a whole lot harder for all concerned.

EXH has to address with her about the drugs - if he will not then I have to apply for

i) contact either to be in my home (not happy with but better that nothing) or

ii) supervised contact in a contact centre ( not something I want either)

iii) if they do get married then I would then have to go to court with evidence to prove she is unsafe to look after my DCS which will be hard when she has two of her own.

iv) emigrate!!!!!

Solicitor thinks this is right but was going away to discuss with colleagues.

Whilst not ideal and as ex agreeing to it, maintaining contact in my house for the agreed time period is better than exposing them and EX agreed to this. So Ex sees DCS, gets them up, feeds them, puts them to bed, if he is at work usual day care arrangements in place and he picks them up and does eveyrthing. Difficult but for the moment till he grows some great big hairy kahunas and he is going to have to very quickly - 3 month time frame set on this, we have both agreed this is the way forward.

I think his brain is struggling with the whole drug thing aswell as he claims to ahve known nothing. His problem not mine - DCs safe and no stopping contact which is the last thing I or he wants.

Hope that makes sense.

OP posts:

nenevomito · 20/02/2011 11:25

I suppose the only good thing about this is that your Ex has agreed to having contact at your house and will have to do something about the OW. Maybe he really does know nothing about the drugs - well good luck to him sorting that one out. If she's drinking and taking drugs during the day I can't see there being any short term fix for it.

At least you know your children aren't going to be exposed to it for the next few months and that the wheels are in motion for something to be done about it.

Your Ex sure has managed to eff up his and your lives royally hasn't he? At least your children have parents who have their best interests at heart rather than point scoring, but it can't be easy for you or your DCs.

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