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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSDs mother has told DP (her dad) that he's dead

67 replies

InnocentRedhead · 08/02/2011 00:41

I have posted about DSDs mother before and need some more advice, sorry if i ask for a lot but i'm new to the whole step-parenting thing and feel that here i can just unload...

Just as the title says really. DP was on the phone to DSDs mum and she got into an argument - with herself really as DP stayed calm - all because he needed to have the 3 days off that we see her as we has to go with his mum to help her move out of a violent relationship. After her angry phone we recieved the text message

'I have just told your daughter that you are dead so you do not need to have her. Me and my husband can be her parents'

At the moment we are just leaving her to cool down. But where can we go from here. She regularly goes off on one, and tries to manipulate, but to say that?!?! How can we tackle her when she comes back to us because she will want us to babysit (which she has admitted that is all we are)

OP posts:
mjloveswineoclock · 09/02/2011 13:37

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SecondMrsS · 09/02/2011 13:37

Oh good yes, I don't like the guy but it's his DD too, I trust that any one he chooses to care for her is suitable. If it was a real emergency and he couldn't find anyone suitable then of course I'd have DD happily. But I like to know he has made every reaonable endeavour to sort it out himself. I'm her mother not a glorified last minute nanny!

SecondMrsS · 09/02/2011 13:41

I think a proper routine makes for more settled children and happier parents. The only time I think it should be 'flexed' if if there's a big family thing that the child wants to attend. They should be able to attend no matter which parent they 'should' be with.

spidookly · 09/02/2011 13:46

Agree with Bonsoir

This, from TheMother is spot on:

"his child is his responsibility on contact days, he is NOT babysitting or doing a favour for her, he is meant to be taking care of his own child"

Why must he bring his mother home on the exact days his daughter would be with him?

Why would his daughter being around mean he couldn't help his mother?

Why is is presuming that his plans mean his ex should look after the child instead of him? If he needs to arrange childcare of some kind because he has other things he need to do, then that is what he should do.

Presuming that a child's mother is around to do babysitting whenever it suits you is shit behaviour.

Did he even ASK her if it would be OK, or did he just tell her that he'd be dumping an unexpected responsibility onto her?

Also, this child is 22 months old, she has NO IDEA what it means to have a dead parent. This woman is acting out of frustration.

SecondMrsS · 09/02/2011 14:12

i have just had a thought - OP why cant you have the child while he helps his mum?

SecondMrsS · 09/02/2011 14:31

also innocantredhead I'm sorry if I'm now spliting hairs but I've noticed that you say as you and your partner work variable shifts the 3 days/2 nights that you have the child are set 14 days in advance... Is that always according to your shifts then?

I'm sorry, I know I may have high levels of expectation but I would absolutely not tolerate my ex only being able to commit the days he has his daughter 14 days in advance! How on earth does she plan hers or the childrens lives when everything is only done with 14 days notice?! It sounds like no wonder she's annoyed if on top of this, she now has to change plans at even shorter notice.

I am loath to send thi sresponse because as an agreived step mum i know what it's like to have to deal with an inflexible exwife but i really think that if your partner wants his ex to stop treating you like babysitters, he needs to start behaving like a responsible father.

mjloveswineoclock · 09/02/2011 14:40

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SecondMrsS · 09/02/2011 14:46

Haha mj - clear as mud indeed Wink I don't get any help towards childcare costs so I didnt consider that.

I do know what you're saying MJ, I appreciate it's not black and white. I just get angry when I hear dad's say they can't commit because of work being unpredictable and variable etc... when do mum's ever have the option to say that??!! Luckily for your son, he benefits from your ex's ability to earn which is due to your flexibility, but that often isn't the case.
My ex is really tight and I pay for most of my DDs needs - i'd be damned if i'd let mine and my daughters life revolve around his career needs so that he can benefit.

mjloveswineoclock · 09/02/2011 14:50

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pleasechange · 09/02/2011 14:51

If the nrp works variable shifts though, and the pwc absolutely insists on the rigid schedule, don't you get the silly situation of a child being at a friend/neighbour's house virtually the whole access weekend? (given that not everybody has babysitting-willing family nearby). Wouldn't the child rather be with the pwc in this context? Childminders/nurseries generally only apply to weektimes, not to weekends.

prettyfly1 · 09/02/2011 15:00

Bonsoir really - you think that asking to change contact dates means its fine to tell a child their dad is dead. Have I gone mad then?

Bonsoir · 09/02/2011 15:02

No, I think that the mother is quite right to go ballistic at being asked to change contact dates. They should be set in stone - divorce is not an excuse to use the other parent as a 24/7 childcare service.

pleasechange · 09/02/2011 15:06

So Bonsoir in this case if the nrp's only babysitting recourse was to a friend, for example, for 2 full days Sat & Sun when he's working a variable shift, that's better than being able to negotiate an arrangement with the PWC whereby the child gets to stay with a parent rather than a potential stranger?

pleasechange · 09/02/2011 15:06

'in the case', not 'in this case'

mjloveswineoclock · 09/02/2011 15:08

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mjloveswineoclock · 09/02/2011 15:11

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pleasechange · 09/02/2011 15:14

"why make a big issue of a non issue" - that just about sum's DSSs' mother's attitude on this subject. He once dropped DSSs off to his best friend's house (who the children have known since birth) for an hour while he had to go somewhere one day during an access visit. Ex went absolutely mad and refused to allow DSSs to come to visit DH the next weekend

prettyfly1 · 09/02/2011 15:40

but for god sake bonsoir, surely you can see that telling the child her father was dead was a teeny tiny over reaction? The set in stone route may work for you but it absolutely doesnt for everyone and I would far rather ds came to me then to someone I may not know purely on "principle". That way if it ever happens that I need it the other way I feel able to ask.

WinterLover · 09/02/2011 15:56

In some ways the rigid contact we have is good and DSD loves knowing she only goes 5 days before seeing us, but it meand exW gets basic CSA because it limits DPs availability to work. 90% of jobs round us are shifts 4 on 4 off which are useless with the contact agreement. He's still unemployed because as soon as he says he can't work weekends he hears no more from them.

I'm the year and a bit the contact order has been in place exW has swapped weekend about 6 times now.

mjloveswineoclock · 09/02/2011 16:06

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SecondMrsS · 09/02/2011 16:21

I don't think for a minute she actually told her child it's dad was dead... it was just a silly text

SecondMrsS · 09/02/2011 16:28

God yes, if it means him not getting a job then fine, that's a different situation. I was talking about over time... or what my ex does which is work a weekend so he gets days off in the week when DD is at school anyway... tut tut

WkdSM · 09/02/2011 16:32

Wouldn't it be nice if things could be talked through is a sensible, accomodating, empathic, well - adult - way?

Life sometimes throws things at you that you have to deal with - surely being reasonably flexible is not too much to ask. If Op's OH was asking to change dates with little notice all the time I could understand the frustration - but apparently these are unusual circumstances.

Having been through a very similar experience for the last 13 years I sometimes wonder what happens when people split up - sometimes it seems to become more important to hurt the ex than it is to live a rich fulfilling life and give your children the best opportunity to have a loving and supportive relationship with both parents. It is so sad.

spidookly · 09/02/2011 16:44

How sensible a conversation do you think it's possible to have with a couple who are convinced that

  1. you tricked the man into having a baby
  1. that you planned it all just so that you could have a girl and then go back to your ex
  1. who never give you more than a fortnight's notice of when they will have your child
  1. who are happy to change those arrangement without asking and just presume that you will not have made other plans
  1. who somehow manage to overlook 4. when considering that you "treat them as a babysitting service"
  1. who get on their high horse when you DARE to point out that their behaviour has inconvenienced YOU (because clearly, YOU are not a person worthy of any consideration)
  1. who clearly think you are an unfit mother and a complete lunatic

This thread is Exhibit A in how two unreasonable parents can make a child's life a misery.

The OP's partner should have at least had the manners to ASK his ex whether it was convenient to vary the contact arrangement. She does not exist to provide babysitting for him whenever he has something else that comes up.

The partner's ex should have handled his request differently, but I don't see that her refusal or annoyance

If you want people to help you out when you have an emergency, you need to be nice to them. Why on earth would he have presumed his ex who he has an awful relationship with should be the one to do it?

spidookly · 09/02/2011 16:45

*I don't see that her refusal or annoyance is unreasonable in and of itself