DSDs mother has told DP (her dad) that he's dead

[InnocentRedhead]

I have posted about DSDs mother before and need some more advice, sorry if i ask for a lot but i'm new to the whole step-parenting thing and feel that here i can just unload...

Just as the title says really. DP was on the phone to DSDs mum and she got into an argument - with herself really as DP stayed calm - all because he needed to have the 3 days off that we see her as we has to go with his mum to help her move out of a violent relationship. After her angry phone we recieved the text message

'I have just told your daughter that you are dead so you do not need to have her. Me and my husband can be her parents'

At the moment we are just leaving her to cool down. But where can we go from here. She regularly goes off on one, and tries to manipulate, but to say that?!?! How can we tackle her when she comes back to us because she will want us to babysit (which she has admitted that is all we are)

[SecondMrsS]

Spidookly - I do agree with your post, although I do think that in relation to this post it has made a lot of assumptions.

If it were a general message then I agree... particularly with points 4 & 5 and this If you want people to help you out when you have an emergency, you need to be nice to them. Why on earth would he have presumed his ex who he has an awful relationship with should be the one to do it?

My DPs ex his horrible to him 99% of the time, then expects he will want to do her the favour of cancelling our plans at a minutes notice to have DSD as (for example) her friend is going out for her birthday and she wants to go along and get pissed... ridiculous. Go and ask someone who wants to do you a favour!

[prettyfly1]

spoidookly I think you may be projecting a little, or know more about the op then we do as I didnt see half that information in there.

[InnocentRedhead]

I just wrote a massively long thread and it just disappeared ouch..


basically... I can't believe the response this has had, and there is a lot of contention in here too. I have read and taken on board but it is impossible for me to address each individual point but here goes.

A lot of people are appearing to say could we not have made alternative arrangements for DSD - no, we cannot. At the moment under our roof there is Me DP and BIL soon to be MIL. Me and DP this set of days off have to move MIL out of her home. It has to be this next 2 days because he will get released on bail on Thursday before his plea hearing (He was out on bail before but breached bail RE contacting MIL and got rearrested) We cannot risk MIL staying there.

We also cannot ask work for extra time off either. They helped us immensely in Nov/Dec when BM left DSD with us for two months without word of when she would be back, no contact or anything. In this time we had to juggle work best we could, opposite shifts, using up all holiday entitlement, and also trying to get as much paid time off as possible as dependent care leave. We could not afford childcare as NRP we didn't get any help/vouchers and we also had to pay CSA during the whole two months we had her - the time we had her will only go towards recalculation at the end of the year. We do not know what BM spent all this on. She only went back to BM when she sent the police to us with a search and recovery order because apparently we were witholding DSD going back to her. Police turning up on our doorstep was the first we knew she wanted her back.

We cannot afford to take unpaid time off either as then we would not have a roof over our heads, we are living very hand to mouth atm.

Addressing the issue of someone else being able to have her on contact days, we have no-one who could do this. As you know me and DP work shifts and on arranged days we are moving MIL. We cannot take DSD with us... It is not a fit environment, i have seen the house we are moving her from and i would not even house RATS there. It is an abusive home with the feel of it and you can tell MIL Partner is abusive and an alcoholic too. This is not a fit environment for a child is it? We also have no family round here, we have BIL living with us when he is not away with work. MIL who is in no fit state to look after a child. My parents live half hours drive away but would you be comfortable as BMs letting your child stay with you Daughters stepmums parents. They would gladly have her but BM would not let this happen. We have no-one else and no other support network. And as mentioned before we cannot afford childcare and do not get help with it.

WRT the relationship we have with BM, we try to keep it civil, not arguing etc. However she seems to think we have a problem with her. We do not care for BM, we just want what is best for DSD (this is why custody may be an option veryy very soon). She will pretty much argue with herself down the phone and not let DP speak.

She always says well its part of being a parent - isn't being a parent having to cancel their plans sometimes. All she cares for is having a night out this week (apparently someone is paying her out - seems funny its just the week when she gets a backdated CSA payment, BUT there is no proof etc. but she is always skint otherwise - workshy tbh). She has in the past said down the phone when we have DSD here that 'mummy is going out to get pissed speak soon'. I can't think of anything else of relevance but please more replies, i really am taking it all on board and will show DP this thread when get chance.

The messages have being saved and all phone calls recorded too.

and MJ that is HORRIBLE!

[pleasechange]

goodness OP you've had a terrible time, particularly with the child's mother disappearing for 2 months without word . Puts is into context about refusing to cover one weekend, rather!

[InnocentRedhead]

By the way, we do not have weekends, we tend to work weekends and have during the week off i get 3 days DP gets 2. Dont know if this holds nay relevance.

And eys you are right allnew. so why on earth are we the bad people in all this? BM flames us to her friends and all people around her to the point they would gladly do something to harm us. and we have ebing threatened.

All i am trying to do is right by my DSD and DP by his DD and we never can

[InnocentRedhead]

sorry my grammar is awful, cant type whenn upset

[pleasechange]

It indeed sounds like you are doing your best. Sometimes though nrp's can do no right in some people's eyes

[InnocentRedhead]

Im 19, and it is new to me, 6 months i have being involved with DSD.

Thank you.

[monkey9237]

OP it sounds like you are dealing with an unreasonable person. I have a similar situation with my DH's ex-partner. Some pretty disgraceful behaviour from her very similar to what you describe. No advice (i wish!) but my sympathies. I think a 22month old CAN understand enough of what was said to damage them emotionally if thst type of language/behaviour persists. She is really badly out of order if she said what she did.

Spidookly said "She does not exist to provide babysitting for him whenever he has something else that comes up."

I thought that looking after your OWN children wasn't meant to ever be called 'babysitting' anyway. Its certainly the view taken on here whenever the genders are reversed. I bet YOU are expected to 'babysit' when she changes arrangements at the drop of a hat (or forgets to come home for two months)

I am sure your DHs ex feels she doesnt get enough time to herself, but who does??? In between our child, our stepchildren, DH playing sports one night a week and both of us working, there is only one evening a week (after work) that I ever get to myself (no free time on weekends) and that requires arranging for the grandparents to look after our child. Not that I am complaining!

Sending you some calming thoughts....

[SecondMrsS]

I think everyone who answered negatively to your post did so with the information they had. With new information, particularly the 2 month disappearence. Of course she should be being flexible in this circumstance.

[ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak]

Innocent I hope you do get custody of her. You are not alone in being a very young step mum trying to do this, also for very good reasons. I think you are both really remarkable. You are also taking on a lot with your MIL's situation, once again a lot more than a 19 year old should have to be dealing with. So anyone that wants to take a poke can fuck off quite frankly

What is DSD's vocabulary like? Would she be able to tell her Mum you left her at your Mums? What's the worst she could do if she knew? She's hardly got a leg to stand on!! Wither she has her or you are entitiled to use use any reasonable babysitter!

She makes steam come out of my ears that woman!!

[InnocentRedhead]

Thanks Chip :) DSD vocabulary is not that brilliant... Her mother is quite frankly not a great speaker, grammar horrible and does not pronounce her words well/properly. I don't think DSD has picked up on this (if indeed she will?) but she would not be able to communicate this.

Those few days are over now and without a relative blip in comparison, MIL moved in safely with us, she already has a support network in place and now the wheels are in motion. We did all this before she came to live with us, due to many different circumstances it is only now she could come to us, but thank heavens she is safe now, third time lucky eh?!

All we had to put up with from BM is constant phone calls over the few days and threats from her about going to solicitors. Anything to come from this would be gladly welcomed. DP has contacted parentline and families need fathers for advice and they are fantastic so thank you for the nod in the right direction.

Things are not looking up, they won't at the moment, but fingers crossed we are stronger for it and know how to react at times when she is being unreasonable.