Following on from my previous conversation

[Tricks]

Well, at the weekend we had further eruptions from my dp's ex regarding me meeting their son.

DP has worked really hard to ensure that ss was prepared and happy to meet me for the first time, we had discussed what we were going to do on the day (planned a visit to the local farm) and ss seemed perfectly content.

Anway, dp received a text from the ex on Saturday declaring that she wanted to come along for the first meet and spend the WHOLE day with all of us. She implied that dp was upset about the arrangements and that he wanted his mummy to be there. Dp later realised that she has simply put these words into ss's head by asking him how he was feeling about the meet and dictating that it would help if she was there (easy to do with a six year old).

She really is so manipulative- she just cannot see that my partner also wants whats best for his little boy; she just has to interfer and has now worked everyone up so much about the meet thats its going to be ten times more stressful (for all of us) !!!

When dp told me about her demands, I unfortunately didnt handle the situation very well and basically started crying and calling her all the names under the sun (im putting this down to pregnancy hormones). I really didnt want to behave like this because i want my dp to be open with me and for us to discuss issues like this sensibly

Sorry don't know what to say!!!

That's outragous!!!!!

She wants to spend the day with you all!?!?!

OUTRAGOUS!!!!!!

I'm speachless!!!!!

Oh no! She can't come! God, if she gets a boyfriend will she have your dh tagging along? I think not.
Yes, it would be nice for you all to meet at some point if you can all be civilised, but this sounds ridiculous. What about suggesting a compromise - ie dh picks up his son as usual, you all go to the farm and then when he drops him off again, you come too and come for tea.

Sorry I haven't seen your previous threads, but how come you are now pg but haven't met his son yet? Is this the first time she has allowed the boy to meet you at all?

If I was you I would be so !

When dss's BM meets someone, is your dp going to be invited to spend they day with them the first time dss meets him? I think not!!!!!

The BM is being so unreasonable, surely she has to trust that your dp will only do whats best for his son and he would not be introducing you if you were a monster!!!!

She is either being nosey or she is scared that you may want to try to 'take her place' or something stupid like that, in her eyes you can hardly do that if she is there.

I think that your dp needs to start as he means to go on and tell her that there is no way that she is going to spend the whole day with you. I think he needs to talk to her about her concerns and to try to reasure her that he will only do what is best for their child.

I probably haven't helped, (I think I'm feeling to ill to make much sense, nasty chest infection) but I'm sure someone will come along with some good advice...

I'm just so for you.

The woman is a nutter. What did you dp say?

Tricks I think you need to put your foot down on this one. Aloha's idea of a nice cup of tea somewhere neutral at handover time is a good one, and goes some way to meeting her concerns about who her child is going to be spending time with, but the idea of her spending the day with you is just demented. Your DP needs to tell her that he doesn't want that (not you) and that you've planned a day to which sorry, she's not invited.

Can only agree with everyone else, this is absolutely outrageous!

You DEFINITELY need to put your foot down on this one and make it clear that this is absolutely not going to happen. What has your DP said about it? Surely he doesn't want this to happen?

I hate to say this tricks but I think you're going to have trouble with your BM - she sounds like one seriously mixed up woman!

Just remember we're here when you need to shout/scream/ etc.! It does help

Hi everyone

Well, im pleased you all think the same as dp and I (I was started to think i was the one going mad) !!!

The ex potrays her controlling behaviour as 'looking after her sensitive sons needs' and 'that this is an incrediably stressful time for him and he is being a brave solider' and that 'its her and her son against the world'. I, we, all know its difficult; but coming along on our first family day out - i dont think so (can you imagine how stressful that would be for all of us ?). AND to put the idea into the boy's head too - rather than dicuss it with my partner first !!!!!!

My dp has said that there is no chance of it happening and that he is really annoyed about how she is handling this - so much for the 'softy, softy approach'. We are hoping that she simmers down when she realises that ss really is ok about meeing me just with his dad and she sees reason.

All of this over me simply meeting him for the day - can you imagine whats going to happen when dp tells her that im expecting his baby in April. Im going to need all your support to get through that one ladies.

Ps. Aloha - ive been with my dp since March 04; however due to a mixture of dp's concern that hes ex would freak out deny him access AND the need to wait for their divorce to be finalised i still havent meet his little boy (despite me being 4 months pregnant )

tricks before i met my dsd i had to go to her bm for a cuppa, dsd is 7 and i really didnt want to go but that was what i had to do so i did it.bm had cheated on dp and was bleeding him dry so i had that on my mind to but when i saw her all my fears vanished and i thought i wasnt going to let anybody ruin my day with my future step daughter and it went ok, dsd hardly spoke to me but we took her out with my dd and had a great day and now she says with us when ever possible and is going to a bridesmaid at our wedding in 18 days.
hang on in there cos there is light at the end of the tunnel however long it is

Ahhh! That's so sweet liandme,

I mentioned it to dp when he came home lunch time and casually dropped in "Just think, if we were to get married we would have four beautiful bridesmaids"... He nearly choked on his bacon butty!!!!

Hope your wedding day is wonderful!

I know I suggested before that you met BM but I was thinking along the lines of a coffee and a chat, not spending the whole day with you on the day you meet dss! It's totally unreasonable. I think she's probably projecting her feelings through her son IYSWIM - she's saying her ds might find the day difficult when in fact it's her saying she'll find it difficult. Fair enough that she feels like that (I'm sure I would too) but she should keep her feelings to herself and not involve her son. I hope your dp puts a big, firm foot down and says no.

I can see both sides here.

She is the boys mother, so is naturally feeling she needs to be the one who controls things. I felt the same when my two year old twins were to meet my ex's new partner for the first time. (She'd already met 2 eldest, 7 and 5, but I was overly protective of letting the other woman anywhere near my babies) I know it sounds irrational now, but it was every maternal instinct under the sun in every inch of my bones not wishing to hand them over to another woman - for fear of being replaced... Animals in the wild are the same so why can't humans also follow their instincts?

When she's ready and willing to be reasonable try asking her again - bt it has to be on her terms.

(I sat indoors in foetal postion, crying for hours at home the first time my home was completely empty of children and I envisioned them all playing happy families - it destroyed me, but I got over it eentually)

Don't rush her - she'll be more accommodating in time

Hi Tricks, I think that there could be a compromise. I had already met my DP's kids before I met BM and there was no problem there (one of the few things she hasnt caused a problem about). However, after a few weeks, I went with DP to pick kids up and met BM, said hello etc. I also went in the house with the kids when we took them back and said goodbye to them. DP and I hardly spoke to BM, but at least she had met me and knew who was looking after her children and that I wasnt an ogre. Perhaps if you were to do that the first time you meet SS then she will see that you havent got 2 heads, horns and a macheti and it will give her the confidence she wants to see that SS is okay with you. Sorry probably not much help but just a thought x

F&Ncase.. nice idea and glad it worked for you...

Had to at your 2 heads, horns and a macheti comment!

Hello Tricks, is it this weekend that you get to meet your ss?

I hope it all goes well for you all.

Let us all know how it goes.

Good luck.

Yes, good luck Tricks. Let us know how it goes.

Hi ladies

Well, dp had telephone conversation in the week with his little boy (with his ex also listening in) and asked him directly whether he wanted his mummy there too(confident that he knew what answer he would get) and sure enough ss said that he would be ok without her.

So, after hearing that she really didnt have a leg to stand on and we are back to the orginal plan - phew, thank godness.

The BIG weekend is next weekend - Sat 22 Oct so fingers crossed, i will let you know how we all get on !!! Im a little excited, very nervous but pleased that we are begining to make headway (especially because my pregnancy bump is growing by the day !!!!).

Sat 22 Oct of supposed to be the luckiest day of the year!!! Something to do with Jupiter!!!

Hello tricks, how are you doing?

Bet as the weekend gets closer you are getting butterflies, I'm sure you will be fine, just be yourself and try to relax.

Thinking of you.

Thank you Squirrel3 - with the big day being tomorrow, i am extremely nervous.

The planned farm trip might be off the agenda (due to the horrendous wet weather) but we were thinking of taking ss to the cinema instead and then on for some lunch.

Wish me luck - i'll let you know how we all get on, on Monday !!!!!

You'll be fine tricks, just be yourself

Hope everything goes well for you, and do let us know how you get on. I'm not at work Monday so I'll have to wait till Tuesday to find out!!!

Good Luck tomorrow tricks Hope everything goes well.

You will be ok, be yourself and I will all look forward to catching up with you Monday.

Good luck.

How did it go Tricks?

Did you get to show BM that you didn't have two horns and a macheti?

Or did she have a matching pair!!!

Hi everyone

Its lunchtime at work so thought i would log on and let you know how we got on on Saturday.

Well, im pleased (and relieved) to say that all went surprisingly smoothly !! DP decided to pick up ss on his own; ss charged into the house - i introduced myself - and he promptly leaped on the playstation and that was pretty much that ! ss seemed happy to make chit chat with me - at one point my dp left the room very briefly and ss didnt even appear to notice ... no tears, tantrums or anything that bm had predicted.

We managed to dodge showers and went to the farm - ss got covered in mud and we all shared ice creams and then it was time for him to go home. Im so relieved !! Although, i realise that its extremely early days for us and its going to take time for us all to get used to the idea of one another.

In fact, out of the three of us i think i was the one who was left quite emotional after ds had left. Not sure if it was pregnancy hormones, me being irrational or what but upon reflection I did feel a little bit 'left out' - all of a sudden it hit me that dp has 'responsibilities' and when ss is with us, ss's needs take priority. For example, (and this is going to sounds really daft) but when we all went out in dp's car, ss lept into the front and i had to sit in the back - despite dp knowing that ive had terrible car sickness since falling pregnancy and not seeing the road makes it ten times worse. A small thing, and Im going to try harder next time to remember that he is a little boy and i am the adult and should behave like such and NOT get jealous over car seats.