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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What do you think?

34 replies

theredhen · 25/01/2011 13:01

Half term is coming up. All of my free quality time is spent with 5 children. I will get one day off in half term, is it unreasonable of me to make this day on a day when it is just DS and me so that we can do something together?

DP seems to think I should book the day off when we have all the children so we can all go out for the day but we could do that any day any weekend (although it might mean DS has to miss sports training on a Sat morning).

It would also mean that DP would end up looking after 5 kids on his own without me if I am work, but he will be doing that for at least a couple of days anyway.

OP posts:

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SMummyS · 25/01/2011 13:20

Hey, I'd say knowing a bit of your back history, do it when it's just you and DS. From things you have said it seems DS never really gets time with you. You do alot for the SKids all year round!!

If DP plays up tell him that's the only day you could take

WildistheWind · 25/01/2011 13:28

I'm with SMS- you need to make time for you and DS.

Seems to me you pull more than your weight in your home and shouldn't be guilted into taking a day off just when you have all 5.

Do it if that's what you want and need.

Petal02 · 25/01/2011 13:37

I agree with the other ladies - spend some one-to-one time with your son. You shouldn't have to revolve your (and your sons) life around the step children.

TheSugarPlumFairy · 25/01/2011 13:53

oooh i would.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 25/01/2011 13:56

do it when it is just you and ds. ds will love that and i really dont see why your DH needs you to help him look after all the dcs.

Petal02 · 25/01/2011 14:56

I'm always pleased to see your posts Redhen; if we don't hear from you for more than a week, I begin to wonder if you've taken to drink or drugs, or jumped off a high bridge, or been admitted to a secure unit indefinitely !!!

Seriously though, your relationship with your son is just as important as your partner's relationship with his children, just because there's only ONE of your son as oppposed to FOUR stepchildren, doesn't mean he should miss out.

Original poster

theredhen · 25/01/2011 14:58

lol. Yes, I'm still alive.

Ah yes, but to go out without the DSC is excluding them isn't it?

OP posts:

slimbo · 25/01/2011 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Petal02 · 25/01/2011 15:15

I think Redhen's son does get sidelined a lot of the time, just because of the amount of stepchildren in the equation. Which is why I can see no harm in Redhen having a day out with him.

Greeninkmama · 25/01/2011 16:36

No question that you need time on your own with your own child. I'm amazed that your DH can't see that. Have a wonderful time.

Original poster

theredhen · 25/01/2011 21:21

Seems pretty unanimous. Better see if I can get DP to tie BM down to dates she will allow us to have children want us to babysit for her.

OP posts:

IngridBermann · 27/01/2011 09:58

It's not really babysitting if they're his children...not for him anyway.

It depends how you view them - did you agree to treat all the children as equal, or that you would each be responsible for your own birth children?

mjovertherainbow · 27/01/2011 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NoodlesMam · 27/01/2011 10:56

I have this argument all the time with my DH. He's allowed to take his son out for one to one time without my DD1 and our DD2 but if I ask to do the same with my DD1 I'm accused of deliberately trying to leave DSS out. But even if they were all my own bio children I still think each parent should have 121 time with each child at some point. 4 children is a lot to cope with alone, I have 3 and struggle at times! My DSS's Mother never takes time off during holidays to help with childcare and never am I asked if I can cope. I only work 3 days a week so I'm expected to have DSS the 2 days I'm off and on the days I work, I'm expected to arrange childcare for all the children. And before I get slated by some non step parent - I do all of this out of love and respect for my step child but I do think that his mother should take her bloody turn or at least ask if I can manage. What would she do if I wasn't around? She'd have to make alternative arrangements somehow.

Petal02 · 27/01/2011 17:38

I can never understand these men who have their children to stay over half term, when those very men will be working that week, and therefore abdicate child-minding responsibility to their partners. I call it 'access by proxy.'

Noodles, does your husband think it's reasonable that his children are landed on you over half term? Have you ever discussed it with him?

I expect my SS (age 16) will spend a few days at our house over half term, which seems madness as he'll just be hanging round an empty house cos we both work full time.

I think lots of men like the idea of having their kids over half term, but never quite think about the practicalities. Or maybe it's just too easy to disappear off to the office, leaving their partners to deal with it all ....

Original poster

theredhen · 27/01/2011 19:17

Ingrid,

There are no set days for us to have the children in the holidays and we are never allowed to dictate when we can have them, it is always down to kids Mum. Hence my line about being used as a babysitter. Of course DP wants to have his children and I do have nice times with them, but it would be nice to sometimes be able to have a bit of say in when they come. DP can just juggle his work around to fit in, I'm not so lucky, although he will be spending most of his day at work with his reasoning being it doesn't matter if they're at home as most of them are old enough to be left alone - no concept that having 5 kids in the house obviously creates a lot more work for me. Of course, all the children are equal but one lives with us and only has one home, whereas DSC only live with us 3 days a week, so I don't see why DS should only be able to do nice things 3 days a week? Obviously DSC do nice things when they are with their Mum.

MJ,

You remember my other threads. DP and I have had a chat about one to one time and I am taking DS out alone sometimes, albeit only for the odd few hours. I feel a LOT happier for it and I know DS does too. Yes, DP gets a fair bit of one to one time with his kids too and I have actively encouraged him to do things with 1 or 2 of the children while I volunteer to look after the other 3/4. I know his eldest children appreciate that too and I found myself overwhelmed with emotion when I saw how happy they were to get that precious time with their Dad.

Noodles,

Sounds like your good nature is being taken advantage of. I feel for you.

OP posts:

IngridBergmann · 27/01/2011 19:24

Oh, I'm sorry - I understand totally now, and you're absolutely right.

Sounds like a very unfair set up.

LoveMyGirls · 27/01/2011 19:33

Its natural you will do things with your ds when dsc are not there, my mum used to do things with my little brother (half brother) when we were at our dads I'm sure but she didn't tell us about it/ rub our noses in it, later on because there was quite a big age gap they took my brother on holidays they never took us on, by which time I had my own family, obviously they couldn't hide this fact, they did this because they were older and could afford it because they were only taking 1 dc and not 5, when we were little we went on camping holidays, my brother went to egypt, florida to disneyland NOW I'm not saying it wouldn't have been nice to have those kind of holidays but as a mum I understand why she couldn't have afforded those kinds of things when we were little exactly because she would have had to pay for 5 children and also because she had pay rises over the years. I don't begrudge the fact my brother has been to places I haven't, it's just life plus we went to places like spain, france etc with my dad when my brother didn't. Enjoy your time with your ds.

Original poster

theredhen · 27/01/2011 19:48

Lovemygirls,

My DS is slap bang in the middle of the 5 children age wise, so I can't really use the "age thing" as an excuse.

What I do feel is that taking 5 kids out anywhere is always very stressful and it is soooo much nicer to just take 1 or 2 and can actually interact with them properly.

DS was an only child for 12 years, and ultimately still is 4 days per week. I do feel guilty about going out without the others and without DP as he has shown some insecurity and jealousy issues before. However, I do know it's what DS and I need sometimes so he knows he hasn't been forgotten about (we live in DP and DSC house and have mainly adapted to their rules etc.) so I know sometimes he feels a bit suffocated by it all.

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LoveMyGirls · 27/01/2011 20:42

I'm a childminder so TOTALLY understand how much easier it is to do day trips with less than 5 dc's, I really enjoy the day trips with a big group (being 1 of 5 growing up probably has something to do with it lol) but I do also like it when we go somewhere with just my dc's so they can have more of my attention so I know where you are coming from.
Taking 5-6 dc's out for the day is to some extent a matter of head counting/ safety/ damage limitation and I can't do 1 to 1 with any of them really, unless the younger dc's nap in the pushchair and then I might get a few minutes to try and concentrate on an activity with 1 or 2 dcs knowing the eldest is capable of not doing anything too crazy while my head is bent, very tricky although being experienced I am now very quick at head counting it literally takes 2 seconds to spot all 5-6 even in a busy park area!

Original poster

theredhen · 28/01/2011 14:10

LoveMyGirls,

Yes, I really feel when all 5 are around the children are short changed and feel it would be better to only have 2 at a time sometimes, even if that meant an extended contact period.

Generally going out for the day isn't about having a fun time for the adults, it's about always listening to at least one child moaning and whining because they don't want to be there, it's about having several sets of eyes in your head to keep an eye on them all and if you feel the need to discipline one child, all hell breaks loose around you because the others know your attention is elsewhere.

For example if we were to take them to a museum, eldest DSD would moan and sulk, second DSD would generally be fairly positive but after an hr would want to go home, DS and DSS would just run riot and DSD4 would talk so much and demand so much attention none of us could look at anything properly.

I know I could take any 2 of the children in any combination and have a really positive, pleasant experience by going to exactly the same place.

OP posts:

Original poster

theredhen · 10/02/2011 20:41

Aaaaaaaaaargh.....

DP just told me that he expects to have his kids all but one day (f which I will be working all bloody day!) of the half term and knowing his ex, she will agree.

No asking me, no checking on my plans, just told me.

That's it. I don't care if his kids get upset, I NEEEED some time alone with my son. I try to fit it around when we don't have kids, but I'm not even given that opportunity.

I'm so upset!!

OP posts:

mjloveswineoclock · 10/02/2011 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PegsonaNewNose · 10/02/2011 21:19

I'm with MJ- Take time off and plan your OWN time with DS. After all, he can't expect you to let him know if he doesn't even ask you about plans for HT. Give him a taste of his own medicine and take a break!

Original poster

theredhen · 11/02/2011 08:18

Yes, I am going to make more time and do stuff with DS, but I feel I shouldn't have to do and exclude DSC. Just a bit of consideration and thought would have meant I could have juggled my days round and he could have still seen his kids for 4 days and I could have had a day with DS too. If I dare to say anything, then he won't listen and will just dismiss me as me trying to stop me seeing his kids.

I think I am going to start swapping some weekends round with my ex. Will mean I won't get a child free weekend but at least I might get that time alone with DS. DP will go mad, I suspect as he really likes our time alone, but seeing as I don't get what I want, it's about time I started making it happen.

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