I am the invisible woman

[Abip]

Ahhh. This step-parenting lark is driving me bonkers! Okay so dp and I were getting along great. Complete u-turn from the non-supportive tight man from a few weeks/months ago. Unfortunately dp had an accident and has been in hospital since saturday (nasty fracture and op) Terribly missing him and its really hard to keep the routine (even though I am more than capable) just not having him there (sad) Dss who lives with us had actually been quite good. Looking after dcs while i go and visit and drop him stuff. Then me and dss saw dp last night before op and wished him well and went after he was settled after op. (sorry long winded but I will get there) Naturally all our friends callling wanting to visit etc... But this morning, his son of 24 and girlfriend in tow just turns up opens the front door without ringing and proceeds to take over the household?! Did not call or contact to say he was coming, expected dinner and lodgings for the night. Then dss (who had been okay up till now) comes downstairs, invites girlfriend round and they all proceed (four adults) to take over the living room !!! AHHH They walked round like they owned the place (even dss girlfreind who refuses to even speak to me) and does not have the courtesy to even consult me in my own home!!! I drew the line when after I had returned with dcs from school(7 people in front room by now) dss proceeded to snog his girlfriend!!! I politely asked him to not do that in others company and i got a snide remark back. Dss girlfriend sat on the arm of my new leather sofa which I politely asked her not to sit on the arm and she does not even batter an eyelid ! (new expensive leather sofa for which dp and i jointly purchased) I know it may seem maybe I am just oversensitive, but I am sick of everyone walking over me and doing as they feel as if its a sodding hotel. Like my dp is going to want a house full of people when he gets home (his own comments) . I think its inconsiderate when his son just turns up as and when no prior calling and bulldozing into our lives. Our plans are often ransacked on the weekends when this happens. I have asked them to call to let us know so I can at least arrange bedrooms and get enough food in ( I have no problem him and partner visiting but would like to know). All I wanted to do was have a peaceful day revising whilst the kids were at school and try to cluck for when my dp is home. Instead I had my living room turned into a playgrounds and four adults ignore me. AIBU ?

Oh I know that feeling Abip - Ive done a few War and Peace in single paragraph myself .

Yes I am sure this I'm Alpha male when Dads not here is something to do with it - have observed this with my resident SS. But its such a subtle thing - have posted on here and someone flamed me and said well it is his home - why shouldnt he feel comfortable and walk around it confidently - but am sure you know what I mean

• its subtle and if I tried to explain it to my DH we would just argue - he would say I was being ridiculous and he would flame me too.

Love the paragraphs btw - I must try using more of them.

Like thus -

Oh the.....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiness of step-parenting

Exactly suda !! Everyone flames me and says oh its his home, your being ridiculous, your an adult.
But no-one understands how it feels when you have no say in a home you pay the damn mortgage on !!!

Its everyday simple things that turn into a bloody headache. Hoovering cooking picking up their stuff. Which is something I expect my own to do and I ask and they do it.
But dss is defiant. He just wont do anything I ask and it gets me down.

Not that I dont do anything for him. Tonight he has asked for a hair cut and I will cut it (i am a hairdresser!) Yesterday I cooked for him as he was being pleasant (as his nan was here) Loads of small things in the hope that he will give me a miniscule of respect back.

I know what you mean about picking your battles. I find biting my tongue on the smaller matters and really making a point on the bigger issues.

What I find is that people flame you when you complain about say, he ignored me and did not hoover today. But when these little things happen say 20 times in everyday life its fg annoying !!!

Oh how can putting out the bins start an argument.

Dp ' we need to put the bins out' (obviously me as he only has the use of one arm)

I am in my pjs and didnt want to go out into the night air and rain to get them out of the garage and have a stinking cold, so suggest reasonably.....

'Dss is out why dont I text him and ask him when he comes home would he mind'

But noooooo Dp feels dss is uncapable of this so gets up and struggles to do it himself. Obviously I then had to get up suited and booted to get them out otherwise I look like a f***g moron letting a one armed man haul bins out !!!

Ahhhhh!!! In then turns into an argument of me stating ' for goodness sake he is more than capable and has done bugger all else'

Simple everyday tasks. And breath .......

I understand Abip - at least we got each other on here

You'll love this one - and (well at least I think) it seemed to go right over DHs head.

We were sat at our passive aggresive new dining table the other night (thats on another thread will link to it}. When DH came in from hard days work on building site he put tea on - cos he had bought it on a whim - works near a Marks and Sparks - so I couldnt cook anything I'd planned but not bothered about that.

He'd bought me and him a meal for two and some saute potatoes type of affair side dish. He bought Little Lord Fontleroy a pie - meant to go with peas chips and gravy presumably - thats mainly why he put the tea on himself as he knows full well I will absolutely not cook two different teas. Then he went upstairs for a shower leaving me in charge of the food cooking.

Well after about 10 minutes LLFs pie is starting to look a bit crispy and ours is doing ok - gave it a bit of a stir etc. Went upstairs to ask DH how long he would be as LLFs pie was looking nearly done - and he replied (quite defensively) about another 10 minutes ! Well and - you know where that leaves me - to put the peas and chips on and make the gravy for LLFs.

NO BLOODY WAY - he was in his room playing some bloody war game on his Xbox - he hadnt risen till about 2pm - hadnt spoke or acknowledged me all day (but had spoke to his dad as soon as he came in). So I thought fuck it - went back up to Mr Grumpy and said 'right is LLF doing his own (chips gravy and peas) cos his pies gonna be burnt'. Btw - LLF had come out of his room once and looked in the oven while I was in lounge so knew full well his pie was done and had just gone back in his room instead of starting to put the rest on.

DH - obviously gunning for a row about it cos he knows I have issues about doing separate teas - muttered something about you used up all the chips last night didnt you (I did on the grandkids) - 'did you not buy anymore today?' (I very rarely eat chips and DH is same) I said 'no because - you rang me and said you had tea sorted' 'But I only got DS a pie and you know full well he wont eat what we're having and you used up all the chips.

Well something went ping in my head ! Smiled sweetly at DH - always worries him in a row - came back downstairs put LLFs pie in bottom oven (which was off) until somebody decided to do its accompaniments. Set table and plated up ours and put ours back in the oven which I had just switched off to keep warm.

I shouted DH his tea was ready when he was and LLF heard me and came sauntering out of his room and sat at the table . I thought 'shit! there's gonna be a right ding dong here when DH appears'

So I left a note saying 'leave my tea in the oven I've taken dog out - see you later'
Took dog round park a couple of times and then went to m-i-ls (who's very impartial and is brilliant).

Came home about 2 hours later and nobody said a word . Sat at the table had my tea - still nothing ?? Last night before it came up and this is what happened - DH came down to find LLF expectantly sat at the table and my note on the side. He knew full well why I had done one - and why I wont bend on it (because I never did two teas for my own children so wont for that lazy git one of his basically). DH had then put waffles on for LLF - instead of chips - and then gone to put his peas on (he loves peas - only veg he'll eat bless him !!) to discover there were none left (and this time it was DH who had used up last). Made his gravy and then gone to table with both their teas.

LLF then complained about the waffles apparently and said 'What - no peas either'.

WHOOPS - DH was already in foul mood cos of me doin one and our row - he took his plate of him - scraped it in the dogs bowl - called him a 'selfish little t*t' and to get his own f*ckin tea'

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and HAHAHAHAHAHA HA
HA

adip agree that is totally ridiculous. Really don't see why it's unreasonable to ask DSS to help with this simple task just once, when he will be up and about anyway. Whatever do some of these dads think their adult children will do when they, god forbid, have to cope on their own?

and HA

What I meant by going over DHs head btw was the fact that I had an alterior motive for going out - I have done that before and the argument went in my favour. Had I stayed and DH had been greeted by poor LLF sitting waiting and I had then served ours - then he would have been the victim and me the villain(IYSWIM). But I by going out because I felt I had no choice because of hassle about LLFs tea actually made myself the victim and him the villain.

You know - on a good day I can play bloody tunes on these men

suda that is absolutely flipping hilarious, I can picture it all now. And what's with the 'you used all the chips' - OMFG. It's your house, presumably DSS didn't actually buy the chips.

He is treated like a child - if he doesn't want to eat the same stuff he should be buying, and cooking, his own food, end of. It's an absolute PITA to have to think of 2 separate meals to cook, especially when there isn't even a child involved.

'what no peas' - that is staggering, it really is. Really funny that even your DH saw it this time.

I would have taken his pie out when cooked and just left it on the side. If you DH insists on catering for DH separately then he should have sorted it himself, not left you to do it

Suda, that tea scenario made me laugh out loud, excellent!

Yes there is the odd chink of light in this step-parenting mallarkey

Trouble is you know what'll happen now dont you ?....

Altogether now girls join in - you know this one !....DH will now feel really shit about doing that to poor LLF and go into overdrive trying to make it up to him - there were signs of that already last night but theyre not really speaking yet but DH obviously upset about it.

Ah well - it was great while it lasted.

I love your passive aggressive new dining table - where did you get that, IKEA?

Hi I am a stp to 2 teenagers. We have 2 young ones of our own. You are completely in your rights to not ask but tell them the rules in your house, husband needs to tell them as well. If they turn up with no notice ( and I have done this my self) told them they cannot stay as I have visitors coming, may not be true, but works. do not feel obliged to be the nice step mum to keep them onside, at that age they should no better, and they need to show you respect. My two stch totally understand our rules, they have pushed and there have been arguments, but they no now that when in our house, it is our rules.

Keep strong lots of love

Oh yeah - sorry I said would do a link to it - I may be some time .

Tie a rope round my waist please - am donning hard had and going in ( crap at technology )

I will never understand why my dsd's can't be asked to do simple household tasks or even just clear up after themselves. last weekend DH was in the lounge with dsd's. Eldest was doing her stamp collecting and youngest making a card. Whole room is a scene resembling an area of national disaster. Youngest dsd then says she wants to go on the computer. I say, "I think you ought to tidy up what you have been doing before you start doing anything else". She says "I have!" stuff is still all over floor so is a blatant lie. What does her dad say?
Don't worry about it, we'll do it later"
FFS! - he doesn't say anything about the fact that she told a fib and I know that it will be him who will do the tidying up because he will never ask them to.

makes me sooooo mad.

Oh suda thats so funny !! I actually read some of it to dp laughing to show him how ridiculous these scenarios are in the hope he will understand.

In fact the last bit feeling bad and making it up to him HE ALWAYS DOES THAT !!! (even though he says he does not ?)

Example: Dss you need to work and contribute towards house or really think about living elswhere (said calmly so no bloody effect)

dss then goes for a couple of days and dp feels bad when he gets back and acts as though nothing has happened and treats him like lord muck !!!

Oh Little Lord Fontleroy is sooo funny !!!

Right girls am back - Suda staggers in looking all windswept and interesting. This is the post that started the Passive Aggresive Dining Table comment - by the brilliant Babyheave - am going back in for that one -

SudalivefromHMP Tue 11-Jan-11 08:52:23
We got a dining table over Christmas - first one we've had in 5 years - DH and cub used to eat on their laps. Did my head in - eating like that. Have always eaten at a table. Mancub would sit on same settee every night at an angle to me and between shovelling food in ( holding his fork with his elbow right up and his hand turned in IYKWIM ) and making that scraping noise with the fork on the plate that makes all your teeth drop out - he would look up at me - I could see him out of corner of my eye while chewing really noisily like a camel with his mouth open ( DH was usually still in the kitchen finishing cooking his as he makes 2 different meals - I wont do that ).

DH finally succumbed this year and we got a table - he always said we had no room because we have a tv in both downstairs rooms which would be blocked .

I found one that fits perfectly without blocking the tv when against the wall and when we pull it out - well I wont have telly on when we're sat at table anyway and there is one in other room so it doesnt matter if the precious tv is blocked.

Thing is now DH openly admits after years of dismissing it - how much better and more civilised it is. I had 3 of the grandchildren ( the ones that live near us )
for tea last night from after school and it was lovely and I'm going to do that every week. SS goes to his 'Grandmas' for his tea on a Monday so he's nicely out of the equation.

Also when DH and I have breakfast - especially at weekend its lovely (SS never sees breakfast time !) - just me and him looking out over our garden and chatting. Also when his nibs is working lates I do DH and I a special evening meal. I flatly refuse to plate anything up for Mancub when he finishes at 11pm and that met with some resistance from DH ( 'why not ? it wouldnt be much trouble' etc etc ). My argument is that if Mancub chooses to sleep through breakfast and lunch - two other opportunities to have a hot meal - and get up half an hour before he leaves for work at 2.30pm - then it is not my fault that he doesnt get a hot meal all day poor love ( as DH pointed out ). It is certainly not my obligation either to provide a hot meal when he comes in at that time. So I stick rigidly to my - 'kitchens closed after 8pm except for snacks'. My only concession is that I buy him one of those microwaveable Feasters (whatever theyre called) to take to work when he's on a late.

But on the occasions when Mancub is lurching around and I cant get out of it and we all sit at the table then its even an improvement on those occasions. For a few reasons - firstly I face SS so if he does that gawping at me I can deflect it by looking straight back at him which stops him - secondly as we now have no tv on as we had when lap-eating and are sat in closer proximity DH even noticed the awful fork scraping noises and pulls him up on it. You know I swear DH looked really embarrassed the first time we all sat together - I dont think he realised just how sociably unacceptable his son is. But last but not least - SS absolutely hates having to sit at table as it means he has to leave his game - he often would take his tea in his room - or tv programme when we ate in lounge. He also hates me being in control in any way or having to do things as I dictate - however reasonable the rule is - but I am selling this table issue to DH as my attempt at making us all more like a family and more inter-action etc etc.

So girls - my insistence on a dining table turns out to be a real result all round - it pisses off his lordship whilst earning brownie points with DH.

HA

Sometimes I think that's exactly how you have to treat men, make them think one thing whilst you get the result you want without letting on.

Glad you feel you are getting something of what you want for a change.

Suda staggers in again this time looking in a really bad way - all tangled up in safety harness one boot missing etc etc and all that !

Heres Babyheaves reply - brilliant.

babyheave Tue 11-Jan-11 12:18:40
I now have this vision.

Sales: Hello Madam can I help you?
Suda: Why yes, I'm looking for a table please.
Sales: Any thoughts about what you may be looking for?
Suda: Yes, do you have any passive-agressive tables with anti-slob mechanisms?
Sales: Why yes Madam, step this way to see our range of family taming tables.

SudalivefromHMP Tue 11-Jan-11 16:43:04
Babyheave - Literally could not breathe from laughing so much at your piss take of my table saga post 'passive aggresive table with anti slob device'.

Absolutely brilliant.

'Excuse me young man do you have any fork scraping on plate triggered ejector seats to go with my lovely new passive aggresive table.

Oh also at MJ laughing - you're another lune one who's not lost her sense of humour.

Hahahahaaaa...classic

It is isnt it ! and I amuse myself for hours sat at the table pressing imaginary buttons underneath to send LLF a few volts or eject him through conservatory roof when he behaves like a slob.

Oh yes and I have some fun lined up today - really really need to get out more

LLF has a bad habit of blaming me when things go missing from his room or something he's ordered hasnt arrived in post or whatever. Usually its to do with the swamp like fashion he keeps his room in and lives his life in general chaos and whatever it is turns up in his swamp or he finds out he's not ordered it etc etc. But he always straight away seems to blame me and make huffy sarcastic remarks to DH that imply its to do with me. I think its because I have been known to throw things back in his room - his dirty dishes or any other crap he leaves around etc.

So last night he sits at table and asks his dad if he can help him lift his old telly off his bedroom floor where it still lies - and lift his current telly off the chest of drawers and swap them. 'Why' says DH. LLF (very sulkily) 'Because my remote has disappeared from my room so am going to start using my old telly again' ??????????????????????????????????Cue - looks straight at me and glares at me ?????????????????????????????????

DH says ' dont be ridiculous - youre not throwing out a good tv and swapping it back for that old dinasour one - just because you cant find your remote !'

LLF says very stroppily ' Well will you help me move it or not ??!!'

DH ' Yes - ok ' Should have said 'Fuck off' IMO at this stage but hey ho.

DH - ' Well how can you lose a remote in your room - its gotta be in there somewhere !! '

LLF - ' Well its not definitely - I've searched everywhere '
Cue - glares at me accusingly again.

DH - ' Right will help you look after tea '

LLF - (in proper tantrum mode now} ' Theres no point am just gonna swap my tellys round and throw that one out '

Cue - another long lingering look at me.

Cue - DH looking intently at me ( that made me very tbh } - cos I imagine he's read between the lines at this point - and he seemed to be waiting for me to comment (I didnt).

I actually went slightly pink obviously caused by the weight of the accusatory atmosphere and I'm sure this didnt go unnoticed by either LLF or DH and DH even gave me a really strange sort of OMG look IYKWIM . I still didnt react - carried on eating my tea.

After tea DH went in LLFs room and came out again 2 seconds later with a sort of angry triumphant exclamation 'Oh Superdad I am - fancy finding it straight away and after you've searched everywhere for it'

It was under his swivel chair leg apparently and I had not left the sight of either of them so there was no scope for LLF to then accuse me of pinching it then putting it back IYSWIM.

I just maintained a very dignified silence and didnt even refer to it again all night - it was one of them 'give someone enough rope and they'll hang themselves situations' - and DH knew exactly what had gone off I am sure of it.

The voices have been at me ever since though - and do you know what they are saying ?

Suda - go in his room and hide something very important

Do it ! Now !

Well he is still in it as per usual at this time - but is going out to work later !

It would just be classic though wouldnt it ?

When he comes stomping outta his room tonight and tells his dad he's lost something again and makes more thinly disguised accusations at me. I think DH would flip - no really I do.

Shall we have a vote girls.

Shall I put it in AIBU - - ok - maybe not !!

haha - I'm with pegs, go for it! Can you keep a straight face later? You musn't at any point own up though!

I mean go for it as in hide something, not post in AIBU

Oh no I wouldnt ever own up - that would just fuel even more suspicion in future from both of them I imagine. Also I would put whatever it is where a more thorough search than one of LLFs nano second ones (probably by very angry Dad) would reveal it.

Can you imagine it in AIBU - have we got enough flame proof suits to go round all of us ! No you're right I'll pass !.