I am the invisible woman

[Abip]

Ahhh. This step-parenting lark is driving me bonkers! Okay so dp and I were getting along great. Complete u-turn from the non-supportive tight man from a few weeks/months ago. Unfortunately dp had an accident and has been in hospital since saturday (nasty fracture and op) Terribly missing him and its really hard to keep the routine (even though I am more than capable) just not having him there (sad) Dss who lives with us had actually been quite good. Looking after dcs while i go and visit and drop him stuff. Then me and dss saw dp last night before op and wished him well and went after he was settled after op. (sorry long winded but I will get there) Naturally all our friends callling wanting to visit etc... But this morning, his son of 24 and girlfriend in tow just turns up opens the front door without ringing and proceeds to take over the household?! Did not call or contact to say he was coming, expected dinner and lodgings for the night. Then dss (who had been okay up till now) comes downstairs, invites girlfriend round and they all proceed (four adults) to take over the living room !!! AHHH They walked round like they owned the place (even dss girlfreind who refuses to even speak to me) and does not have the courtesy to even consult me in my own home!!! I drew the line when after I had returned with dcs from school(7 people in front room by now) dss proceeded to snog his girlfriend!!! I politely asked him to not do that in others company and i got a snide remark back. Dss girlfriend sat on the arm of my new leather sofa which I politely asked her not to sit on the arm and she does not even batter an eyelid ! (new expensive leather sofa for which dp and i jointly purchased) I know it may seem maybe I am just oversensitive, but I am sick of everyone walking over me and doing as they feel as if its a sodding hotel. Like my dp is going to want a house full of people when he gets home (his own comments) . I think its inconsiderate when his son just turns up as and when no prior calling and bulldozing into our lives. Our plans are often ransacked on the weekends when this happens. I have asked them to call to let us know so I can at least arrange bedrooms and get enough food in ( I have no problem him and partner visiting but would like to know). All I wanted to do was have a peaceful day revising whilst the kids were at school and try to cluck for when my dp is home. Instead I had my living room turned into a playgrounds and four adults ignore me. AIBU ?

kick them out then. If their dad isn't even home, it sounds like they have gone round to deliberately wind you up. Shout, throw things and kick them out until they say sorry and show some respect. You cannot expect people to understand unless you make it very clear. Go on do it now. kick them out.

Unfortunately, the 24 year old is like a bulldozer. He just walked straight into the house and I said oh hello I was not expecting you? DSS who lives with us is just seeing it as a jolly cos his dad is not there. He does not see me as any sort of authority whatsoever and does as he pleases. When I complained about the snogging he simply said you and dad kiss. 'yes maybe once but not constantly attached to his face especially not in front of the children' so I simply replied... when you buy your own house and pay your own bills you can snog her all you want. His girlfriend started walking round the dining room as if she lived there and I asked 'can I help you' no eye contact whatsoever !!! I then tried cooking tea for the kids and they were snogging in the kithen, could see i was trying to get around them but I had to ask them to move several times. Its just so disrespectful!!! I did not cook for them I had plenty on my plate as it was, so cooked for me and dcs as there was not enough food. (not managed food shopping, just trying to stick to some sort of routine) But he cooked pizza for him and his girlfriend!! Not do you mind if she stays for tea nothing !! It just pees me off. I did tell dp a little of what happened when I saw him but did not want to burden him. He said well 24 yr old does have a key. Yes but if he can clearly see lights on and cars on the drive is it too much to ask he rings the f***g doorbell as its my home and for all he knew I was naked!!!! AHHHHH DP agrees but unfortunately will just take it and say nothing (trust me he was in agony I mean real agony ive never seen him like this. And would not ask for more pain relief. Whereas I would take all I can !!) We are going to be moving in the spring as I cant live in this house any longer. Even after all DSS's behaviour I have insisted he comes (will have to share with my 6 year old) but with strict rules. But DP says no he is 19 time to stand on his feet (I dont want to be the one blamed for making him leave the family home) But yesterday is a prime example. He has no respect for me. Cannot see that without me him and his dad could not live there. And when DP is not there he acts as if he is lord of the house !!

They are Taking The Piss. Change locks and don't answer the door without the security chain on in the future. Your resident DSS needs tackling on this issue too. How old is he? 19? Time for him to leave home then, and you can have his keys back too. If he wants to stay on, it is whilst acting like a grownup e.g. Abiding by some house rules and contributing to expenses. You need to feel secure in your own home and they are being deliberately intimidating!

It is totally unacceptable for any adult (DSS's girlfriend included) to be so rude to you in your own home. I would not tolerate this under any circumstances, and DH should back you up in this respect.

As for the others coming into your house without even ringing the bell, that is disgraceful. Your eldest DSS has foregone his right to have a key by violating your privacy. Ask for it back, or change the locks.

I'm sorry but they are indeed totally taking the piss and treating you with no respect whatsoever. No wonder you're climbing the walls

This is your and your partner's home. They have no respect for this. They ought not to have a key. Do you have a key to their place and just wander in with your buddies. He is an adult. Tell him to behave like one.

They shouldn't have a key and you let them in AT YOUR DISCRETION.

Bloody cheek!!

Thank you all. I thought I was being just oversensitive. I try explaining to dp that its not because they are his children, i would not expect my own dcs to act like this. I dont want them to have keys and when we move i will insist no keys are to be given and that they must call if they want to stay for a period of time.19yr old dss still in bed. I have no authority over him and he sees his dad not being here as a time for him to take the piss. He does not work and dp and I argue about him doing literally nothing. I just did not need this at the moment with dp ill (sad) and would have thought they would be supportive of the home and each other with their dad being ill (sad) selfish boys

Yes, you said it.....selfish.

The 19yr old needs to haul is ass out of that bed, is he disabled in some way? No college? Lazy and selfish? I feel sorry for you Abip, you're not being over sensitive.

Your dp needs to have a word with him....he could at least make himself useful around the house/garden/shopping? He's behaving like that BECAUSE HE CAN. HIS DAD'S ALLOWING IT.

I totally understand why you are upset and I would livid at the girlfriend. But I do also understand why the Dss would enter without ringing as that's what a lot of grown up kids do at their parents house. Do you live in the 'old' familial home?

Totally agree with the key. I have a key for my mum's - ever since I left home - but it's for emergencies and/or to drop things off when she's not there. If she's in, of course I ring .... she no more wants me walking in on her sat in the bath than I do !

I would also never behave so rudely to someone in their own home as SS's girlfriend has done. I wouldn't behave like the SS's either but though utterly wrong, I suppose you can at least make some "sense" of their attitude in a "familiarity breeds contempt" kind of way combined with a weak dad who lets them do what they like by the sounds of it. But who the hell does the girlfriend think she is ?! .... almost feels as if she's been put up to it by SS. Maybe she's been told you deserve to be treated with contempt. In fact, older SS barging round as soon as his dad's in hospital almost seems like a deliberate attempt to intimidate you and mark their "territory" with dad out of the way. After all, they certainly didn't come round like most normal people would do in a similar situation offering to help you out with shopping, cooking, babysitting and/or lifts to and from the hospital did they ?

Once your DP's better you're going to have to have this out with him once and for all. Certainly no keys in the new place (though difficult if younger SS has to have one as he lives with you - what's the betting he'd get his brother a copy ?) and there's going to have to be a big change of attitude from DP who must lay down some ground rules about respect and consideration. It's one thing to welcome adult kids back into the family home but quite another to have plans and meals (and budget) disrupted at the last minute. If your DP can't see this is wrong then he's effectively agreeing that his adult children are more important than your relationship and you might as well just hang about doing nothing much on the off chance they might deign to turn up. 19 year old SS has also got to get his arse in gear while he still lives at yours - why the hell should an adult who makes no financial or practical contribution expect to have everything laid on for him and behave like a contemptuous (the snogging thing), ungrateful oik ? Appreciate jobs aren't always easy to come by and don't know his circumstances but he sure as hell can contribute to the household in different ways through chores, and by not creating any extra work for the adults who support him.

Hi catsmother, I totally agree with the girlfriend being put up to it. I can almost imagine dss whinging about me saying ignore her this is not her house (i moved in to dp's and gave up my home. Dss was asked about us moving in and was actually happy as dp's house was on the market as he could not afford to stay) When I said to dp her ignoring me he said she does it to him too. (he will put up with anything for an easy life. I am the one who finds it intrusive) I would like a say in my own home that I pay the mortgage share and bills. Not just the invisible woman that does not matter. I dont agree that the 24 ds should be able to just walk through the front door without ringing the doorbell its rude and discourteous. Things are a lot better today. Dp's mum has come over and is wonderful. we get on very well. And when I asked him to hoover and take rubbish out he did it?? It winds me up though he is only being polite and doing as asked because his nan is there (which she knows as well) I know that whilst she is here he will behave.

She has come all the way from salisbury, about 1hr 30 mins and is staying till tomorrow night. Wendihouse lol on the disabled. There is nothing wrong with him. He left college 2 years ago as did not like it and has sat on his arse since. Rarely does he get up before midday. He has had the odd days work here and there and moans how hard his day has been when he does work. We have given him many options. College with our support (even my savings) work full time or at least part-time. or clean the house. But to no avail. He says working in tesco or another shop has no career prospects!! Which is what dp and I have done and would do if needed. So we suggested if he wanted a career go back to college or do an apprenticeship. But he does not like college!!! I honestly beleive and so does MIL that the army would be great for him, a career discipline guidelines self respect and respect for others. But guess what. He does not like it. Mine and dp's relationship ends up suffering when we argue about it but its rearing its ugly head again. Dss is fully aware that we cannot afford bills etc and has been told by dp get a job and contribute or go. But dss nods, nothing changes, and there are no consequences. I know its dp's fault for allowing it and I have told him he is not helping him and he is the problem. What ends up happening is dp says I slag him off all the time and gets defensive then our relationship suffers. Both of these children seem to do as they please. But strangely, his other two dc's are loving caring courteous polite and respectful. Its ridiculous, I almost feel as though its a competition and I step back and remind myself I am an adult and walk away. But its so hard when every detail of basic life is a war. I cant wait to move and choose a home that dp and I both agree on. Perhaps then I shall see harmony ??

What is with 24 year olds snogging all over the house? Surely you realise at 14 ish that isn't acceptable?

The 19yr old was snogging his girlfriend the 24yr was there with his girlfriend and my two small dc's. I think he was showing off to his girlfriend and lording it up over me in the house.Once 24 yr old and girlfriend realised I was not cooking and cleaning and bedding them down (bloody hotel) They were forced to discuss arrangements to go home. They just dont call at all, just expect to be accomodated whenever they want and expect dp and I to drop everything !!!!

even at 19 you should realise thats not right, surely.

I think the problem here is that this is their family home.. and they will always see it as that. It is rude behaviour, and it is unacceptable really as they are adults.

I think you are right that moving would be the best option all round, as it changes the boundaries.

Please dont take this the wrong way either, but your posts are a bit hard to read as they are not broken into paragraphs. Which makes it difficult to reply to a bit, then go back and re-read, to reply to another bit if that makes sense. x

My DH has 2 grown up sons - one 29 and one 23 - still resident. When we bought the house 5 years ago it was one of the few things I stuck to my guns on - that the older one would not have a key - everyone including DH and the older son and the younger one ( who moved in with us as he still lived at home with his dad before we met ) - presumed he would have a key as he'd had one at their old home and walked in when he wanted since he'd left home at 20.

I said he had his own home - with his then new partner and would they like me to walk in their house /go in kitchen/make a brew etc etc - course not - so why should I want them to be able to at mine.

The problem is this - or was what I said at the time. The old house was their dads house and it didnt matter - but this house is our house - mine and their dads - big difference. Also I think there is a bit of that Alpha male thing going on in your OP - like they sort of slip into that role when the real Alpha males not there - your DH obviously and sounds to me like they are strutting around on their own territory.
If you watch any wildlife programmes about a pack of wolves or a pride of lions just watch how the other males in the pack behaviour changes when the Alpha male isnt present - they also strut around with much more confidence. You need to slap them down - remind them you are still top bitch and they are still the cubs or pups !!

I think that needs doing on a united front too. Get the locks changed, even if its under any pretence, and say "we didnt get keys for you (to all those who dont live there), as you no longer need them..

My stepchildren all lived with us at one point or another in their teens and stepson well into his early 20's but after they left, they never came back and let themselves in, and they never at any point treated me in the way the Ops stepchildren are doing to her.

As for going into the kitchen and helping themselves to food, that is just damn cheeky, and they would be told to piss off in no uncertain terms.

I didnt even do that in my own mothers house, and wouldnt dream of doing it in anyone elses.

Yes Charlie and I do think its a territorial thing with the going in cupboards etc - they are treating the home of the step-parent and their parent as if its still theirs when they just lived with their parent - in these instances.

Its almost like a 'I am going to carry on exactly as I would if this was just my dads home - like the last one was.'

My DHs older son - whom I actually get on with really well and is independant and an all round good egg (unlike his younger brother who still lives with us) - even he used to do this when we first moved in - when he visited he had to knock obviously as I had put my foot down about keys only being given to 'residents' - but even then once he was in he would switch back to 'I'm at my dads' mentality. First time he visited he went in the fridge and took a can of coke and started to drink it and just carried on talking. I didnt say anything but remember thinking am gonna have to nip this mentality in the bud - quite frankly if you have followed any of my threads or postings you will know I have enough to put up with from his resident brother!

The reasons I didnt say anything were as follows - firstly I had done well to get my now DH to agree that his non resident son couldnt have a key - we'd had many heated debates about it but it would have been a deal breaker for me - so I felt to then whinge about a can of coke on only his first visit would have been provocative in the extreme to my DH.

Secondly I do not get on with his other son who lives with us and we had several teething problems with the three of us and the new dynamic of his son living in 'our house' as opposed to me 'the girlfriend' living in his sons dads house - IYSWIM. Had I pushed it on the visiting son fridge raiding issue then I feared DH would have thought - hang on a minute she just doesnt like either of my sons. This would have invalidated any complaints I made to him about his younger son - and there have been many. I had to pick my battles as they say.

Last but not least I really do get on very well with his older son and I felt it was just a case of him not switching dynamic as mentioned above rather than aggresively refusing to acknowledge me IYSWIM - so as he already knew it was down to me that he wouldnt get a key (he accepted it without too much fuss tbf to him) then I just thought well why make him feel uncomfortable about going in the poxy fridge and also he only calls for a few hours every week or two in any event.

As it turned out when he had gone my (now) DH turned to me and laughed and said 'did you see our xyz go in the fridge cheeky bugger and get a can of coke?!' Next time he visited he actually pointed out to him that he should ask - its me and Sudas house this you know dont be so rude - but in a lighthearted way - and ever since then his oldest does always ask - 'Can I get a drink for the kids etc etc'.

Final word on this key issue - one of the reasons I so dug my heels in was the affect on privacy. I said to (now)DH - so because one of your sons lives with us there will only be the odd occasion when I can run downstairs in my undies or in a towel and make a brew etc - i.e. when his nibs is out. Also thats the only time me and you can have some private time without having to retreat to our bedroom. But by your other son having a key that would mean even those odd precious occasions would be spoiled by the possible interruption of the other sons key going in the door at any moment. Thats what it is more than anything - the possibility of an interruption. No I'm sorry but I only think residents of a house should have a key - except maybe give one for emergencies but only on strict conditions - they dont just use it to walk in whenever they want.

suda ROFL at 'top bitch'

I know - no offence OP!

I find it much easier to use dog analogys cos I used to train dogs.

As I often say to people when I am out with my dog when they often comment how well trained he is - 'yes - I find it easy training dogs - its men I have trouble with'

I think your right suda, it is a dominant thing.
I said this to dp yesterday. As soon as he is not around, dss walks round like he owns the place and that I am not there.
Its not so much the key issue if there were rules. He could clearly see that our cars were on the drive and that the lights were on.
We have a door that only locks when you put a key in it. Big dss literally opened the door without using the key or ringing the doorbell. This I find intrusive.

It also got ridiculous to the point where dp and I cant have private time at all. Its as though dss's have to be told every aspect of our decisions.

e.g. Dp and I going to the pub 'ooh we are going too'. And one day dp and I did go down the pub just us two and big dss texts saying 'you rude buggers we were waiting to come with you'

AHHHHHH cant I have any private time at all ? Its not as though I stop him spending time with them as i have my dc's. But on a weekend when my dc's are at their dads (every other weekend) I dont think its too much to ask to have a bit of us time. Afterall he is 24!!!

Even collecting dp from hospital became a battle of wills with big dss saying 'i will collect him' I put my foot down and said no I will collect him as I need to sign the paperwork that he cant do with his left arm For goodness sake!!

Thanks for the advice charliesmommy. I think i get so vexed it just merges into one long paragraph of a rant !!