ExW wants to meet me......

[Ididthisforus]

After all the great advice I received last time I came on here I need your help again. Since my last post DP's exW found out about us, my worst fear, because I knew the fallout was going to be infinitely worse than if he'd told her himself (we were seen by a friend of hers). The brown sticky stuff hit the fan and she threatened to rip my face off and pull my hair out voiced her displeasure (I have never heard someone shout like that down the phone. Ever). I won't bore you with the details suffice to say things calmed down and last week, completely at DP's DD's request, me and my DD met DPs DD (I don't feel entitled to call her my DSD/DBD yet) for the first time and it went really well. His DD is 10yo so is a fair bit older than my DD (4yo) but they got on really well. It went so well in fact that his DD has asked if she can sleep over at my, now our, house on Saturday. It's only a 2 bed house so will need a bit of juggling with sleeping arrangments but nothing insurmountable.

So that side of it is moving along and for the first time there's a glimpse of what 'normal' life will be like, and it's pretty good. However, and here's my request for help; his exW wants to meet up with me "to talk about DD and what's best for her" regarding upbringing etc. now I can understand she may be worried, but knowing how bonkers volatile she can be I'm loathe to do that. I don't want her knowing anything more about our lives than she has to in case it's used as a stick to beat us with later. I know that a 10yo will have different needs and wants than a 4yo but shouldn't she trust that DP has his DD's best interests at heart, so what purpose would it serve for her to meet me other than to weigh up the 'opposition'?

So do I agree to meet up with her or not? I know that in the future we'll have to meet but I guess I wanted to let the dust settle, give emotions a chance to dissipate. Please help me see the wood for the trees.

Personally, I wouldn't. Any parenting advice should be directed at your DP as, at this early stage, you won't be doing any parenting of your own, just being guided by your DP. I suspect her motives.

It's hard to say really. I think overall it's best to have an amicable relationship with the exW. My DH's exW spent a lot of time slagging me off (I'm much younger) but when she realised their DCs love me we started getting on better and although I don't communicate with her much, I can if necessary and I know she appreciates what I do for them (help with schoolwork etc)

I'm assuming that your DP was already separated before you got together? In which case why does she have so much animosity to you?

Well done for getting this far with his DD - sounds like she's taken to you and your own DD. Take it gently and let her lead the way :)

I think it is a reasonable request to meet you if you are going to be spending time with her child.

Agree with the above... id be weary of her motives with her saying 'to talk about DD and whats best for her'

I personally wouldnt meet her on your own, if she's persistant why not suggest a cup of tea when your DP picks her up next...

Yes that's true, it's so early that you are presumably referred to as "dad's girlfriend" rather than "my stepmum" - tbh in the early stages I was more like a fun aunt or friend than a third parent, which really helped us bond.

DH's exW did take me aside when I met her, to spin a load of lies and basically try to split us up, maybe it's the same here?

I can understand why you're in two minds about this and I'm not sure I can offer much advice I'm afraid. I offered to meet my DP's ex so she could have an idea of what I was like to reassure her as I was going to be spending time with her DC. This followed some very unreasonable behaviour on her part towards DP and also related to me and I had said that if I was to meet her it would only be at a neutral venue, i.e. no way was I going to set foot in her house or her in mine. But I didn't have any worries about her having a volatile nature and being likely to shout and scream in public and she declined anyway.

It does sound to me that she wants to dictate to you what should happen when your DP has his DD and that is none of her business. If it was to reassure herself that you are a good person who treat her DD unfairly IYSWIM then I'd be more inclined to meet her. I'm not sure that that is what she wants to meet you for and even if it was, again she has no right to expect to meet you.

There is no reason why your DP wouldn't already know what's best for their DD anyway.

I'm not sure I'm being very helpful here but in your shoes I'd be wary about meeting her as well. Hopefully someone a bit less rambling will come up with some better advice for you soon

[note to self - must type quicker!]

doh - who wouldn't treat her DD unfairly

I wouldn't think it was unreasonable of her to want to meet the person who is going to be having her daughter to stay over/play a significant part in her dds life.

But I don't think you should meet her alone. Take DP along and, as it is about her, maybe the 10yo dd should be there too (exw might not get volatile if she is there). Meet somewhere neutral and make sure you are in a position to just walk away if need be.

Haveahappy I think the animosity stems from the fact that I worked with DP for a couple of years before we got together. During this time his marriage broke down and she accused him of having an affair with me (we weren't and he wasn't with anyone let alone me) and I think that if he'd started seeing anyone else it would've been fine, but it was the fact it was me that sent her fucking nuts upset her. It appears she's over that now, or so she says.

I have no intention of trying to be a parent to DP's DD at this early stage, he will very much be taking the lead in that respect, but I will be an adult figure who cares about her and is interested in her life. I understand she might want to know who her daughter's spending time with however I'm sure that she hasn't vetted/quizzed every other single person that's ever come into her DD's life so why should I be any different at this stage? I long for an amicable relationship between us all, currently exW and her moods are the single biggest influence in our lives which is just wrong in my mind as it dictates some/most of what we do and how we do it. For instance DP hasn't told his DD that we've got a certain DVD to watch on Saturday night as she'd be really excited and he doesn't want exW's nose to be rubbed in it because then she might kick off again. So how do I get that sorted or is it just time that will sort it? Or does he need to grow a spine?

Thanks for your help, I think I'll leave 'doing lunch' for now

Oh I sympathise as this is a bit tricky.
I am tempted to agree with others who say it is too early yet to vet you as you are dad's girlfriend and he is her parent, not you. I think exW needs to back off.
I know you want an amicable relationship (which is great!) but as you say, emotions are a little raw on her side, so I think may be later would be better timing.
You/DP could reply by thanking her for the offer but you dont think it's appropriate for you just yet (and DP should indeed be the one who knows what's best for his own DD). So you could suggest that it might be more appropriate to meet further down the line - say 3 months? I dont know. Sorry I feel a bit like squashedfrogs - understand your dilemma and feel for you but not quite sure how best to advise!!

Ah that does make more sense then. DH's exW was similarly deluded, accusing him of all sorts

In that case I'd arrange to be there next time she picks up DD, or both go to drop DD off (make sure your own DD is somewhere else though).

Otherwise, yes hopefully it will get better - it has with us.

I'm not a stepparent, but objectively speaking, I think it's entirely reasonable that this woman (however batty she's behaved in the past) would want to meet someone who will have overnight care of her DD, or any care of her DD for that matter.

Equally, the DD is staying with her dad, he will be there.

My DH doesnt expect to meet anyone who is staying the night with his exw and his kids being there - none of his business.

Parenting decisions are made by your dp, not you and whilst I have no objections to her meeting you formally in the future, it is not appropriate to do it right now. Absolutely not, unless in a public place, with your dp there and if she starts to be intimidating in any way, shape or form you leave.

I will try to remain calm - because I am the Ex and knew the OW very well,good family friend.

I asked on numerous occasions to talk to her about the DCs, one has complex medical issues and if someone else was going to be looking after DCs I needed to communicate certain things to her. It is all very well saying ExH will do and it is his child, but we all know that many men do not get the minutiae of looking after kids.

It often has nothing to do with dictating more about fear on my part. You are asking this woman to leave the most precious things in her life to someone who quite frankly ahs shown little regard for her and her feelings.

She refused and refused and I got angrier and angrier. She wanted to talk when everything was resolved. I know what that means now - her and Ex applying for custody of well DC not disabled one!

Would you let your DCs be looked after by someone you did not know? - No. It is the same for her.

You say she is volatile because she yelled abuse down the phone at you - well believe me when you are on the receiving end, the anger, hurt and feelings of helplessness are huge.

i would go for coffee in a public place with both DCs - much harder to scream at each other with two kids in a public place and seee what the game is. It may all be simple and makes life an awful lot easier.

Going now before I say something I really regret about other women.... Very sensitive subject

I am a stepmother and a mum and tbh I think that as her mum it is not unreasonable to want to meet you to see who her DD will be spending time with.

I would suggest a neutral place as it is easier and she is less likely to kick off, maybe a coffee house? I would meet her let her have her say but just don't get too involved with her and don't give too much away about yourself etc.

I met DH when his two girls were 2/12 and 1 and we dated for nearly a year before I met his girls and when they were eventually going to stay at our house EW wanted to meet me and I have to say it went ok.

I think for the sake of DSD it would be good for her to see that you can all get along. AS I said neutral place is the best bet. Good luck and do let us know what happens

onlyone hang on a minute - I'm not the OW, never have been. I described the ExW as volatile not just because of this one incident, but to describe them all would be a character assassination which I'm not prepared to do, and it would probably put you all to sleep. Her DD has no special needs, and as a mum myself I know exactly what it's like when you hand your child over to your ex and know that there will be someone else there that you don't know. But I had to trust, and still have to as my ex is now onto girlfriend number 2 since we split, that over everything else he has our DD's best interests at heart. And I'm afraid, to some extent, that as there are no extenuating circumstances in this case DP's exW will have to do the same in the short term. I believe I have shown as much regard for DP's exW's feelings as anyone could be expected to of someone you don't know, particularly as they had split up before me and DP got together so I was in no way involved with their split.

With the divorce paperwork now filtering through DP's exW will be feeling very vulnerable at the moment so I don't want to enter into what will be a highly emotionally charged meeting anyway, at this really sensitive time. I have every intention of meeting with her, but, weighing up all of the advice I've received here, I don't think now is the right time.

I fully appreciate where you're coming from and the hurt and anger that must go along with your situation, however please don't tar us all with the same brush, we're not all husband stealers, we just happen to be with someone who has been married before.

I would meet her somewhere neutral and with your dp there. She could be asking for this for a whole host of reasons. It could be because she wants to "weigh up the opposition" as you put it, it could be she just wants the opportunity to have a go again, or it could be that she does genuinely have things she wants to talk through with you.

We each deal with these situations differently and just because you felt able to trust your dd with her Dad and girlfriends, it doesn't mean that she "has" to. Whatever is going on, if you are truly being sensitive to her feelings then I think you need to go with this one. You can't force her to feel anything, and in my experience of over 12 years as a stepmum with a really difficult ex, who was abusive and threatening to me on several occasions, was to let her take the lead on forming our relationship.

Putting all the animosity aside, the request in itself isn't unreasonable and I think if you refuse to meet you may well be playing in her hands, and she might get difficult about contact unless you do.

I think if you don't meet her now you're just giving her another stick to beat you with. I don't think it's worth making a stand over - and on the face of it her request isn't unreasonable. It is a huge leap of faith, as you've said, to hand your child over to someone you don't know and while you clearly trust your Ex to do the right thing wrt your DD, she maybe doesn't trust her Ex (your DP) wrt her DD. The sooner you can develop some semblance of a civil relationship the better for everyone - saying no now is just going to delay that.

Ok, so we've got DP's DD coming to stay this weekend for the first time. What if we see how this weekend goes, and how exW is (this could be a trigger for another outburst) and then next time she asks to meet I do it somewhere neutral and public with DP in tow? I do want to have an amicable relationship with her, at some point both of us have loved the same man so we can't be that different! but I think it's going to be all about the timing. I will speak with DP about it again I think as he's been the one to suggest leaving it a bit to let the dust settle, and as he knows her far better than I do I've let him take the lead on this somewhat.

And I hate confrontation so feel a little sick about it already

you want an amicable relationship dictated on your terms at your time etc etc etc.

The feelings of frustration when you can not protect your own DCs will grow for her.

If the weekend goes well then I would meet public place with kids in tow not DP. To see him side with you on anything you discuss about her kid will drive her mad.

As nerve-wracking as this is, in the circumstances I'd meet her. I don't think she could insist on it (I don't think a court would side with her) but, as Hassled says, if you refuse then you could just be handing her another stick to beat you with. I think the important thing to remember is that you have done nothing wrong and there is nothing that you need to apologise to her about. What happened in the past between her and your DP is their business. It's not to do with you.

Personally I'd go for "with DP, without DCs" in a local coffee shop or similar. I can see that having the DCs there might reduce the risk of her kicking off but if it doesn't, and she does, I'd not want my DCs to have a ring-side seat.

But I would definitely take DP. Presumably the main topic of conversation will be DD and as she is both DP's and DPex's daughter, he should be involved in any important discussions about her.

That's really good news that she's coming for the weekend, and a good sign I think. I did wonder whether she would use the meeting you issue as a reason to delay the weekends.

I really would go ahead with meeting her. I'm just thinking here about my own dd when she goes to her Dads. While he's a great at being the fun-time Dad, playing and messing around, he doesn't think about bedtimes, whether any homework needs doing, the fact that she needs to have a specific diet/requirements to do with sensitivities to certain things - and I and dd pay for that when she comes home. And I'm quite sure he'd never think to tell any partner about dd's needs - he doesn't acknowledge them himself.

I guess what I am saying is it's all very well saying she has no special needs, but that doesn't mean that there aren't things it would be helpful for you to know that your dp isn't telling you. I'd suggest keeping an open but wary mind and hear her out.