ExW wants to meet me......

[Ididthisforus]

After all the great advice I received last time I came on here I need your help again. Since my last post DP's exW found out about us, my worst fear, because I knew the fallout was going to be infinitely worse than if he'd told her himself (we were seen by a friend of hers). The brown sticky stuff hit the fan and she threatened to rip my face off and pull my hair out voiced her displeasure (I have never heard someone shout like that down the phone. Ever). I won't bore you with the details suffice to say things calmed down and last week, completely at DP's DD's request, me and my DD met DPs DD (I don't feel entitled to call her my DSD/DBD yet) for the first time and it went really well. His DD is 10yo so is a fair bit older than my DD (4yo) but they got on really well. It went so well in fact that his DD has asked if she can sleep over at my, now our, house on Saturday. It's only a 2 bed house so will need a bit of juggling with sleeping arrangments but nothing insurmountable.

So that side of it is moving along and for the first time there's a glimpse of what 'normal' life will be like, and it's pretty good. However, and here's my request for help; his exW wants to meet up with me "to talk about DD and what's best for her" regarding upbringing etc. now I can understand she may be worried, but knowing how bonkers volatile she can be I'm loathe to do that. I don't want her knowing anything more about our lives than she has to in case it's used as a stick to beat us with later. I know that a 10yo will have different needs and wants than a 4yo but shouldn't she trust that DP has his DD's best interests at heart, so what purpose would it serve for her to meet me other than to weigh up the 'opposition'?

So do I agree to meet up with her or not? I know that in the future we'll have to meet but I guess I wanted to let the dust settle, give emotions a chance to dissipate. Please help me see the wood for the trees.

I think if she has asked directly then any refusal on your part may be portrayed to the child as 'I wanted to be friends with daddy's girlfriend but she wouldn't even meet me!'

It would be better if you didn't meet, but now she's asked I think you should if only to be the better person.

My advice would be to go along dressed casually (inline with your natural style but not deliberately trying if you know what I mean) and do lots of listening and nodding. I f she asks directly for your thoughts just comment that at thi sstage you don't intend to parent her child as that is the job of your partner but that you have listned to her points of view and will respect them along with your DPs.

The best advice I can give is don't be fooled in to a 'friendship' with the woman. From the way she behaved on the phone she doesnt sound like friend material anyway and whilst it is best to be civil with you step children's other parent, falling in to the trap of bessy mates is a big no go... she'll only be trying to 'keep her enemies close'

Also, it's important that your DP doesnt start to feel like you and his ex are having chats about the parenting of the child because he can't manage.

Sorry, another 2 pennies from me! -

Can't the meeting be a casual thing i.e. during drop off? Does it need to be all set up... it's a bit eastenders isn't it?

LadyTremaine It was his exW who asked to meet up for a coffee, during drop off would be sensible but as this is only the first weekend stay we've not had the opportunity before. And I'll have my DD with me too and I don't want her to see her mummy being held in a headlock . So, I agree, a casual conversation would be better but not sure of when the opportunity would arise. Oh, and thanks for your tips for the actual meeting - I know I'll be stressing about it for days prior to it!?! This is so difficult

As you don't know how it's going to go I would say definitely do it somewhere where the children aren't going to be around.

Ha-ha that made me laugh.

I speak from experience in that when i first met DSD mum I was really tempted to dress to impress (peacock feathers out) but I didn't and I'm really pleased because she went totally over the top and i definelty had the upper hand as looked as though i had nothing to prove. My DDs step mum never puts on airs and graces for me and i take it to mean she is in no way threatened by me and a thoroughly confident woman.

Also, you have the upper hand anyway as she is the one who has behaved badly already, she'll be feeling sheepish no doubt.

I agree you should meet her but you should meet her with your DP - somewhere low key and informal. The first time I met the ex it was over a cup of tea at her house with DP. I didn't think it was unreasonable to meet her as the kids were younger then and DP and his ex used pick them up and drop them off and so it seemed to make sense to break the ice without them present.

I tied myself up in knots when the date was arranged to meet the ExW - it took place only after DP and I had moved in together, in a pretty low key way during a kids drop off - ExW 'popped' in to have a cup of tea. This actually meant she was inspecting me and my house - but hell, despite it being an ordeal for me, it was a bloody difficult thing for her to do too. It certainly wasn't in her life plans for her children to be spending time and nights with Daddy's girlfriend.

While I found the meeting and 'inspection' of my home really difficult I basically accepted then, and see very clearly now, that it was necessary to help my relationship with her, ease any tension about me and the living/sleeping arrangements between ExW & DP, and it was really good for the kids to see that their mum and I get on. It's an evolving relationship but we can chat on the phone, text pics of the kids back and forth, and do pick-up/drop off without DP if necessary - it's all good!

I'm not sure whether it's too early for you to meet her - but consider the potential benefits before refusing. Good luck.

I don't think you should be discussing parenting of your DP's DD with his exW. If there are parenting issues that is for a child's parents to discuss together and then for your DP to talk through with you.

I agree with those who have suggested seeing her, as she has requested, but with DP and without the DC if possible. It would be wrong to exclude him from any discussion about his DD - but from a practical point of view, I would make sure that if you sit somewhere, you don't sit side-by-side with DP, making it look like 2 against 1. Sit evenly spaced from each other, if you can. It will help to defuse any ill feelings and allow you all to concentrate on the actualy topic in hand.

actualy = actual

I wouldn't let someone else parent my children without meeting them first.

So it may be a reasonable and genuine request.

Make it on neutral ground and try to leave the other stuff behind. Make sure DP is there too.

Listen to her and make notes as well, if you think you'll forget stuff.

She perhaps just wants an idea of what you are like. Bear in mind she didn't sign up for you having any role at all in her children's lives so it's important to give her some say in this. She will be finding it extremely difficult.

The thing is, the mother needs to understand that OP isn't wanting to 'parent' the child.

Unless her ex is a real twat she should trust his judgement in choosing a prtner who is appropriate to be in the child's company. It's a hard thing to learn (I know!) but when you have a child with someone you hand over half of the rights to them. Unless they prove themselves to be untrustworthy you really don't have the right to demand to cross check someone who they have already decided is suitable.

Through the natural course she would have met OP - drop offs, pick ups, bumping in to them in town, school events etc etc there is no need for this contrived 'meet' it is disrespectful to the father.

Although, I had the benefit of being the first person to meet a new partner so by the time my ex met someone I knew what it was like from the potential step parents point of view... and new how she would probably be feeling. I would never have expected her to meet me to discuss the parenting of my child.. that's mine and DDs dad's role!

So, DP's DD stayed over on Saturday night. It all went really well, I'd spent most of Saturday with my DD, as DP did with his DD, and we all met up mid afternoon. The two girls got on brilliantly, my DD was like DP's DD's shadow! DP's exW had even put some chocolate in her DD's bag to give to my DD which I thought was a really nice thought. It was very much a trial and error weekend, we've learnt a lot in a short period of time, mainly to do with breakdowns in communication - DP is used to having a 10yo DD, and the independence afforded to a 10yo that you wouldn't give to a 4yo, and while he's not stupid or irresponsible, he did forget that his DD hadn't been to the area before and didn't know his way around. So when he let the 2 girls go off exploring on their own, believing my DD when she said I said they could (come on - would you believe someone who is convinced dinosaurs live in her wardrobe?), naturally I questioned if he'd lost his mind the sensibility of this, as his DD hadn't got her phone with her or anything. But we got past that one and both girls were very forgiving and we all managed to laugh our way through the weekend.

DP spoke to his exW when he dropped his DD back and amongst other things his exW, although still wanting to meet up at some point, suggested that it would happen in time and there was no need for anything to happen immediately. So I have my breathing space for now and, seeing as though the metephorical olive branch was offered in the form of chocolate for my DD, I won't refuse to meet up next time she asks, but I will insist DP is present too. Having said that, she works on the same site as me and the canteen is a shared one, so I may end up bumping into her by accident! Eek!

The problem we have now though is that DP's DD has taken it really hard going back home to mum. She misses DP terribly (although it's been a year just about since he moved out ther's no time limit for these things) and while we did everything we could to make her feel part of the home, that she wasn't just a visitor, I kept my DD away from both her and DP so that they could have time together, hugs without my DD hanging off of them, that sort of thing, I just think that there was nothing more we could have done to ease the wrench once she went home to mum. Was there? I feel that all I can do is be there for DP as it's him and his exW that will need to reassure their DD. What other things can I do to make her feel part of her new extended family? I'm aware that she didn't chose me, DP did. She said that she was "glad my dad chose you" and even gave me a hug before she went home on Sunday so I don't think it's that she doesn't like us, but it's all new. So is this normal? And what can I do for the best now?

Thanks again for all of your (ongoing) advice.

Didn't get to post initially but I caught up with your thread during the weekend.

That's a great result and a it looks good for the future I would say. There will always be ups and down and you will learn along the way.

You've handled it brilliantly and my advice would be to just take it as it comes. I think one of the mistakes I did in the beginning was to over-think everything.

The handovers are always hard and painful for everyone- we all get used to it at some point and the children always find it hard to part with one parent.

re the meeting, it will come and there is no reason to ruch anything at the moment- hopefully she will appreciate that her DD had a nice time and relax a bit.

*rush

im so pleased you had a good weekend. I would like to say the handovers get easier but in our case they get worse, then better then worse. We had DBD in tears this weekend, not wanting to leave. She refused to get out of the car at drop off. We just keep telling her we dont like it either but if she goes home it means she can come back again..

I am glad it all went well. My DSD has a very diffiult time leaving her dad as she wants to come and live with us. It is very hard on everyone I think but just something that can't be helped. It seems that your OH Ex W is starting to be sensible and putting her daughter first. The chocolate was a lovely thought. My DH ExW is nothing like that and throws any photo's of our DS that DSD has chosen to take home away. She has even made DSD thrown christmas cards away from us. Here's hoping you will all go on to develop a good relationship that puts the needs of his DD first. There has to be some sensible Ex W out there.....

Bluecollie - what a bitchy unnecessary comment.

I am sure there are some nice Step mums out there but reading some fo these comments on this thread I do wonder about the sanctimonious attitude some steps seem to take.

Men do not get the whole childcare, responsibility issue (OP has said that on the first visit!!) no sane mother lets their child go off to be partly cared for by someone they know nothing about. Fear of the unknown and asking someone who has been hurt, by their EX to trust them with their most precious children - a massive step.

Re the handovers - when my dss was small I used to have his slippers waiting in hallway, bed made, pjs on pillows, often a comic on bed too. He liked just coming in and getting on with everything so the details were a way of welcoming him with no fuss.