Do I say something about "rubbish" Christmas Presents from SD's every year?

[dietqueen]

Every year is the same we get together with DH DD x 2 take them out exchange presents - I buy them a big bag full around £50 each and DH gives them money in a card as well.

Last year I got a very cheap (£2) smelly set from wilkos and the year before a bar of chocolate, year before they "forgot" to buy something...which they thought was funny. Our DS usually gets a t shirt. They are 17 and 15.

This year we are taking them out cinema then meal so more money spent.

I have commented to DH and he tries to brush it off. It infuriates me

and I assume you like smoky bacon crisps

but slambang - presumably bacon crisps are your favourite? so your ds has at least thought about what you like, and attempted a reasonable present.

I am a stepmother, and have endured years of no presents, or last-minute token efforts tha are clearly just a front because no effort has gone into it at all (I am talking about presents for dh here, not me, btw)

One year, my step children really took the piss.

dh and I were living abroad at that point, with regular (albeit short) visits back to see the children.

I arranged ot go shopping with the children, as I knew their mother would not have bothered (this followed a couple of years of absoutlely nothing form the children, not even phonecall/email on birthday/christmas/father's day etc)

they came with me, and spent the whole day browsing, and choosing presents for their mother (despite having a day lined up with other relatives for that purpose - they wanted to get her a "proper" surprise, ie one that no-one in the family knew about).

fine.

and I was happy to help them choose, pay for it etc. they were jsut children.

but it didn't occur to them at all that they should be spending the same amount of effort on choosing a present for their father.

and whenever I suggested this, or gently tried ot steer them that wya, they panicked that they hadn't yet chosen anyhting for their mum.

it was really tbh.

and I get the ipression that this type of scenario is what the OP is on about.

these so-called typical selfish teens may well spend money and (more importantly) time on getting a present for other relatives.

my step children spend more time choosing presents for their cousins/aunts/uncles than they do their father.

it really is more about the effort and thought, than the size of present.

Exactly !!

I'd hold your breath until they were early twenties and earning their own money/ bills etc.

It sounds like a symptom of their age and family situation. Your best bet is to lead by example and wait for the day they grow up and think about things that have been going on a bit more carefully!

As a teenager I do remember veering from thoughtful - going with my Saturday job money to buy a rather lovely blown glass vase for Mother's Day - to thoughtless - giving people the wrong gift because I thought it was funny.

They may also be badly organised and find that a task like buying presents creeps up on them and then it is all too late. Which of course, is never a problem for any of us...

How about taking them in hand and next Father's Day offering to take them shopping for the gift?

Or maybe suggest the i-phone app for this task?

Actually, I think it's completley outrageous that slambang is getting a packet of crisps from her son because he needs his money for going into town and so on. What sort of prioities has he been taught. I hate the "look after number one" attitude so many people think is the way to raise children.

OP - I had this a couple of Christmasses ago with my DSC and my DP. The kids did not get me anything at all - not even a card, DP forgot to get my Mum anything too. I wasn't expecting the crown jewels but the total lack of respect and consideration was staggering. I was really upset and let it show, I had a row with DP (quietly) about him forgetting my Mum (who does such a lot for us) and was on the brink of packing a bag and decamping to my Mums for a few days.
The kids were aghast, and I think were really sorry, they hadn't done it on purpose and only realised too late that it had hurt my feelings.
Since then, they have remembered Xmas and birthday.

I have been a step-mum for about 12 years and have never had a single present nor card from my DBSs that wasn't actually an 'on behalf of' effort by my DH.

I have always had to do the same for my DH from them, and yet we always used to take them out to get for their Mum at birthdays,christmas,mothersday.

They have also done that wrap some old bit of left over tut up and laugh when she/he opens it crap and it is hurtful and sickening. - I would frankly rather have nothing at all from them than endure their lame 'efforts' , it's the poor example they are setting for my children that upsets me.

Nothing seems to shame them into trying harder.

I don't expect anything from them, and I don't expect them to spend a load of money, but a little thought toward their Dad and step brothers wouldn't cost a lot.

They are 15 and 17 now and we don't do any of it anymore - of course they are old enough to 'think' of something by themselves - ridiculous to suggest that they are 'only children' at these ages and shouldn't be expected to, - ridiculous.

Agree with the gushing thank you letter and with Pagwatch et al.

I can never quite believe it when adults go on about not receiving enough from their kids/stepkids... I find it bizarre. Surely the best way to go about this is to make it very clear you don't expect bought presents from your children, but you would very much like them to show that they think of you - a homemade card with lovely message is great enough. If you are concerned that they need to be bothering to show that they care - fair enough, then spell it out to them (gently, and with humour). If you are concerned about the monetary value of presents you get from them... well, I just can't understand that mentality, sorry. Accept the £2 smellies with good grace (it's still a present that has been bought for you!), and stop begrudging what you spend on them - you either want to do something for them, or you don't.

my post was for OP by the way, not jonesy.

But I think that op had been very clear that it is nothing to do with the money. It is the lack of thought added to her per option that the gifts are given in order to snub.

I have no doubt whatsoever that if op, or her son, had received a gift that cost nothing but was delivered with humour and generosity of spirit then this thread would not exist.

My 17 year old drew me a picture as a gift a year ago. I love it and value it. I think that is all that is making the op sad. Fuck all to do with cash spent.

Just my reading though. I could be mistaken

Perception. Not per option which sounds like a m&s voucher

Oh, ffs

there you go..

That is crap jonesy.

Have a christmas squidge.

I agree with those who say send a gushing thank you. Really let them think you are either genuinely delighted to get anything at all or you are joining in the joke. Whatever their agenda - if at all they have one - they will not be happy that you have not read the script and are not either a) pissed off or b)crying about it but actually joining in the 'joke'.

My adult SS - lives with us 24/7 - real piss taker - bought everybody a nice present - even got his mum something and asked his dad to help him wrap it nicely. DH and I got him loads and I cooked him his own special version of our Xmas dinner and pudding - as he is so fussy. He thrust a Primark cream scarf and gloves set at me - still with labels on (£2.99) and not even wrapped - said he couldnt wrap things and besides had run out of paper.

Know what I did - I completely gushed about this present and how it didnt matter at all about it not being wrapped - I didnt even let on I had noticed the price tag - and I claimed to have been looking for ages for some cream wool gloves and could not find them anywhere - and how they went so well with my favourite black and cream coat.

Tell you what - should have won an Oscar - his face was a sight to behold - just completely took his thunder. Later on I heard him talking on his mobile and saying how much I liked them in a very disappointed voice - then he repeated 'no honestly she really liked them'.

He was talking to his mother.

Quick update - this year ds and dh got pressies if you can call them that but I didnt! When asked (by dh) why I hadnt got a present to opne - both laughed and said they hadnt got any money.

DH has visited them 2 weeks before and given them both money to buy presents for everyone.

On way home he told them both how disappointed he was at them, again reaction was to laugh. They didnt even say thank you for theirs

Will write the gushing thank you letters this week!

Awww Dietqueen that is crap. TBH, I'm sure by now you are fast getting to the point where you don't actually want anything if it's given with bad grace but if their dad specifically gave them money with which to buy things, and they still haven't got you anything then they're now in the realms of completely taking the piss. (What happened to the rest of the money then ?) They are old enough to know this - it's not some childish oversight.

First, next year I wouldn't bother giving them any money .... they don't use it as intended anyway so it'd make no difference. Second, I'd spend the money you would have spent on them on charity gifts and if they dared complain about that, explain that as they never said thanks for their presents, you assumed they didn't like them and/or didn't need them and you therefore thought the money would be better spent where it could do some genuine good. To not say thanks at 17 and 15 is bloody rude and arrogant. Perhaps in a couple of weeks their dad can ask them where their thank you notes are ?

dietqueen- that sucks and I'm sure DH is ashamed at their behaviour !

I think catsmother's idea is good.

They are not children- they are teenagers and knew full well what they were doing.

DH commented that they will just get money next year no bag full of presents to open (they usually get both)...they have spolit it for themselves really - we always go OTT with them and we used to have a lovely pre-c hristmas day together - your right DH does feel embarassed with their behaviour and has said this.

Im just waiting for the text - we often get them - saying "Dad can I have some money for...." etc...

I think it's definitely their age. At that age they're not really going to have there own money are they. For years DH and I have never had presents off DSD for Christmas or birthdays etc.

This year she's 18, she got both of us lovely presents for our birthdays and mother's and father's day. Christmas she bought DH an expensive aftershave giftset, a bottle of Baileys (his favourite) and Baileys chocolates. She got me a make up bag, chocolates and a £30 Next gift voucher. (Next is my favourite shop). She got the dds huge stockings absolutely filled to the brim with lots of lovely presents and chocolates. She also made a HUGE effort to stay in on Christmas Eve so she could get up with us all on Christmas morning. (A huge effort because last Christmas day was spent with her coming down off a 4 day bender were we had no idea where she was). And all her friends and her boyfriend all went out this Christmas eve, but she didn't and I'm so proud of her for that.

My point is the maturer they get the more effort they'll put into things like presenst.

But their dad had given them money - as many parents do - specifically to buy presents

I'm a bit out of my depth with this one as my DBC's are 5 & 7 so I've no idea about the added complexity of the teenage years.

But - my lovely 7 yr old DBD gave me a pair of earrings for Christmas that she'd made herself (with help from her mum). She is a little darling and put some thought and effort into making and giving me something special (she teases me about my enormous earring collection). If she can do it at age 7 then surely older teenagers should be able to engage a few brain cells - shouldn't they?

Perhaps my little DBD won't be doing these lovely things (I got something thoughtful from her summer holiday with mum too) in a few years - so I'll just have to store up the gorgeousness to keep me positive through the teenage years when she 'hates' me!