Do I say something about "rubbish" Christmas Presents from SD's every year?

[dietqueen]

Every year is the same we get together with DH DD x 2 take them out exchange presents - I buy them a big bag full around £50 each and DH gives them money in a card as well.

Last year I got a very cheap (£2) smelly set from wilkos and the year before a bar of chocolate, year before they "forgot" to buy something...which they thought was funny. Our DS usually gets a t shirt. They are 17 and 15.

This year we are taking them out cinema then meal so more money spent.

I have commented to DH and he tries to brush it off. It infuriates me

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable here. My DSC have very little interest in buying for their Dad or their Mum let alone me and my own DS has to be cajoled into buying me something.

It's just kids, I think boys tend to be worse as at least girls seem to think they should do the right thing but are perfectly happy to let someone else do the thinking and practicalities of buying.

You're reading far too much meaning into something that is fairly normal kid behaviour.

I think I have to agree with the OP here. I could see why it would bother her and it would upset me. Its not the money that is the concern, it is the thoughtfulness and care. My mum always says you are so grateful for what you get and its a joy to give you a present. I love opening gifts and love to see what someone has bought me and how they have thought about me. Afterall thats what I do for them and I love giving presents. The whole point of the present it to show that you care and have thought of them and its reflected in the present you get. IT IS NOT THE MONEY that has been spent its the gift. So for instance if they knew what type of shower gel is used getting that one would be more appreciated then a 2 quid one they have just picked up as its cheap. Definately understand the card. My dss did not buy his dad a birthday card or even wish him happy birthday. Its 16p in the card factory for a cheap card, he could have even made one but he didnt. But when it was his birthday (18th which he did not deserve but I backed down for DP's sake) We went to town, party, disco, mates, food. He didnt even help clean up the hall the next day. Yes this would definately annoy me. I would just put the equivalent money into a card. Thats not saying you are spending less money, but if they cant even say thankyou or appreciate the gifts they open, I dont think I would buy them.

How about trying to take them out to select gifts for dh and their bro? It might get them on the right track. And then when they see dad and bro opening their gifts (and clearly overjoyed as they got useful gifts) It may well pull on their heart strings and get them to show more effort.

I can u derstand why you are upset op and I don't think that is unreasonable .

It isn't typical teenage behaviour. Don't start expecting your children to become selfish areseholes when they reach their teens.
I have a 17 year old and a 14 year old and I would be hurt and mortified if they behaved like this. But they wouldn't.

Yes. Teenagers are not fountains of empathy. They can be pre occupied with themselves and they are capable of blowing all their money on a game fir themselves and then trying to get 5 presents out of £2.50 .
but a 17 year old who hands over some real shit and laughs about it does know what they are doing.

As to what you should do about it. I like the flowery thank you. You could write to them " thank you so much for the lovely xxx . It was fabulous and made us all so warm and fuzzy to know just how much thought and effort you had put into choosing it -so kind of you.
.

Don't be hurt. People who are being incredibly snotty with you seem oblivious to the bloody obvious that you are not whining about what you get but are hurt by what seems to ve callous disinterest.
But fwiw I think you shouldn't worry so. They are just being silly girls - thinking they are being clever and, if you continue to ve loving and kind to them then that will out. They may one day feel a little foolish .

You care about them. Be patient. I am sure they will mature into nice young people.

And don't worry about the rude posts. You always get " you should be grateful for a wrapped up dog shit you selfish cow. Some people die and have no food and shit happens you whinger".. It is a Christmas tradition on mn. Like carols

Ooh very good idea abip !!!!

Op. Ignore me. Do what abip says

I think they sound a bit selfish and nasty tbh, to find it funny that they send crap presents is v. immature.

Since when has it been normal for members of a family to have to 'be caajoled' into buying presents for othere members of the family?

Oh, and I can't stand the "it's how boys are" attitude. It's only how boys are if that's how we bring up our boys!

Okay my teenagers (well 1 nearly). DS has to be forced into town with money to buy me a present, last two have been a box of chocolates. Both DD and DS objected massively to spending some of their very generous allowance on presents this year. DD goes off regularily on one of her moans about this and how unreasonable it all is (even though all her presents would come to less than 1 months allowance). But then she would rather walk to and from school in knee deep snow than pay for the bus out of her money, even though the reason it is so generous is to cover bus fares.

The one huge advantage I have is that I am not a step parent and they live with me. So I can make them go shopping etc. Hopefully by 17 they will have got the message.

what pag said

really go over the top with the thank you letters. It will shame them into being nicer next time

...possibly

(I am thinking of the bit in the Sound of Music, where Julie Andrews thanks the children for the warm welcome they have given her, and they all burst into tears)

They don't sound at all like any of the teenagers I know. The 17 yo in particular sounds like a selfish princess, and giving her father a can of bitter is plain mean. They are doing it to punish him and you I would imagine. No advice from me I'm afraid, but don't believe the 'typical teenager' comments.

Amen to the "it's how boys are" bollocks

It moves swiftly through to feckless idle men being excused with " men are not so aware/organised/thoughtful blah blah"

If My ds1 had reached the age of 17 without understanding that giving a gift is about generosity and thought I would be really concerned about where we had gone wrong.

Ds2 has autism for goodness sake. He still does a list and sits with me trying(as best he can) to figure out what his dad or sister orcwhoever would like

Arf at sound of music strategy.

Wasn't my idea though...I nicked it off someone further up but can't find it now..

oh hold on- it was meeeee

Here here pagwatch. My dss is like this and I do say to his dad, what did you do with him when he was younger as he appears to not give a shit? I hate this 'they are teenagers and are all thoguhtless and care of themselves only' what bollocks I was not like it and I know many many teenagers that care, work and RESPECT their family in todays world

I was all ready to post earlier re thoughtless teenagers being the norm, but Pag got their first .

Why not double bluff the eldest? Sit her down and say you realise she an adult and has already demonstrated that shes not into materialism, which you think is very mature of her. Say we'll not do "silly" and trinket/token gifts this year. But you will give her cash this year instead. Once her eyeballs have gone KERCHING explain that it will be less than shes used to, as you are able to spread the cost of gifts throughout the year, and put thought and time into them from other funds. But hey the sales are on so "i'm sure you'll do just as well as other years".

Leave her the option to change her mind though

What I hate is the boo hoo I never got a great big gift at christmas bollocks ..I honestly do not care if no one buys me a gift let alone moan about it if they do

Oi, Psagwatch didn't get there first - I did!

And it's not really about :I didn't get a great big gift - it's more about "someone is making a snide point with their present giving - what shall I do about it"

Unfortunate threat title though, I agree.

No. I'm Spartacus....

Sorry Seeker

Most people don't mind if they get a gift or not, big or small. It's called being a grown up. But part of growing up is learning to think about people other than yourself, and Christmas is a really good time for children to learn this skill.

I'm sorry but the only way the op and the father can interrupt that can of bitter is "I did not take time to think of anyone, and when I briefly realised I had to think of someone other than myself I resented it and thought you should know"

For what its worth my teenage ds is a kind loving lad but is not great at gift giving ..my 2 oldest daughters as teenagers weren't either, now they are grown up I tell them not to spend their money on me,but they do and are always generous with gifts now

Totally agree with the "typical teenager" excuse NOT being acceptable. Teenagers (many of them) are extremely self centred and thoughtless but that doesn't make it right and nor should parents stop picking them up on it just because it's "typical".

Back in the day when I started a Saturday job at 14 (appreciate laws are different now) the biggest thrill for me was being able to buy several members of my family "proper" Xmas presents .... stuff I'd picked out carefully and with thought. My now 20 year old son also managed to buy something (even if "only" a big bar of choc) for both me, his dad and brothers and sisters once he started a P/T job .... it's not an entirely unknown phenomenon. I know you can't hold a gun to their heads but seeing as you can hardly "forget" Xmas I really don't think it's expecting too much to hope that teenage kids would mark the occasion somehow for their nearest and dearest .... and I understand where the OP is coming from in feeling hurt as her skids' failure to do so is pointed.

My skids - similar ages - have never so much as marked Xmas, birthdays or Father's Day for my DP (never mind me, but TBH I've given up all hope of that) and I feel very angry for him. It doesn't have to be a gift ..... just a gesture of some sort to show they're thinking of him. These days there's no excuse not to get a card but failing even that, all kids have mobiles, email and Facebook and my skids can't even be bothered to spend 10 seconds sending a greeting via one of those methods. Yet of course they are on the phone weeks in advance with their great long gift lists.

From speaking to other stepmums, I do unfortunately think that this kind of actually quite nasty behaviour (i.e. ignoring someone close to you on a special occasion) is more often to be found amongst step children where the parents have a difficult/contentious relationship. In my case, my DP's ex encourages and condones bad behaviour towards my DP as it seems to amuse her and satisfy her ongoing desire to make life as difficult as possible for him (though they split up almost 12 years ago). She'd never remind/cajole them into showing some basic manners and respect. Conversely, my DP is so bloody scared of "upsetting" his kids that he won't take them to task over their thoughtlessness and brushes off my concerns with "it doesn't matter" ..... which a) of course it does because it's about basic courtesy and b) he does actually set great store - his whole family does - on celebrating special occasions, so I know it hurts him. Bottom line ... neither parent is stepping up and at least trying to educate them in basic niceities. I know full well - because they've discussed it right in front of us - that they always buy stuff for their mother, and friends .... and have enough money to be going to concerts and eating out regularly. Makes me feel that their dad is viewed as pretty much irrelevant except of course when they want something.

Once when I was a child I 'gave' my mum a present that I'd taken from her stock of spare gifts that she kept in her cupboard. I was quite open about it (so not stealing) She pretended to be delighted.

This year I'm getting a packet of crisps (Walkers Smokey bacon) from my 14 yr old ds. I am delighted. Honest.

He earns money (paper round) and he gets pocket money but he is saving up for an ipod and wants to spend his money on cinema, 'going to town' with friends etc. I would hate him to feel like he had to buy me a 'luxury' present.

It seems that you don't have much concept of teen spending power.
It's the thought that counts, remember?