Should I just step aside?

[ShirtyGerty]

First, DH's relationship with his daughter. When she was eight weeks old, her mother walked out on him taking the baby and went to live on the other side of the world. That was four years ago. Since then he has seen her twice. One visit there with an ex-girlfriend when she was a year old. Second visit was when ex wife and DSD visited the UK last summer for a month. They skype once a month, he always pays his child support on time and sends presents and cards for Christmas and birthdays.

We have now been together for two years, married for six months and our first child is due to be born at the end of February.

The visit here by ex wife and DSD last year was a tough time for me. I didn't handle it well and as I was not involved in it much and felt very excluded. DH spent most of the time with MIL, ex wife and DSD while I was left by myself. There were a lot of tears on my part. I felt like I was losing him.

Today, DH told me that the reason he doesn't see DSD more - with him visiting her and her and ex wife coming here - is me. Because it upsets me so much.

I am devastated. I really do not want to be the reason that he doesn't get to know his daughter. I would never be able to forgive myslef for coming between a parent and a child.

Its really difficult though as he will not even discuss her with me - even what she has been doing recently. He has moved his skype appointments to be during the working week and does them from the office. I am totally excluded. Today he said that this is because I get so upset by it and not as he had said before, that it was just more convenient.

I just don't know what to do so today I have offered to leave. I'll move out tomorrow. I would rather step aside that be the person who in thirty years both he and his daughter blame for them not knowing each other. I am at a total loss and very sad about the whole thing.

Would be grateful for any advice you have.

The MIL is my MIL. Her and the ex wife are good friends.

sounds to me if the exw had a go at you last time then it is her that is choreographing this ridiculously unreasonable cosy holiday with her,your husband and your m-i-l. She is obviously making your DH feel that her and his daughter come as a package and that is only way he can see his daughter. My guess is that DH knows bloody too well that this is inappropriate - especially on you - but as its all thats on offer he cant turn it down otherwise he possibly would not see his DD at all.

Sounds to me as if he is being manipulated by two women here - his mother and his exw - the mother of his child - a heady and powerful combination tbf to your DH. He is not strong enough to stand up to them and risk not seeing his DD. So what he is doing is blaming this ridiculous exclusion of you but inclusion of his exw in his contact with his DD on protecting your feelings.

He needs to grow a pair - he is entitled to see his DD and it does not have to be always with his exw. And as for your m-i-l I darent type what I think of her involvement - disgraceful - he ought to grow a pair with her aswell and point out to her that you are his wife now not his ex.

OP it is totally unreasonable that he should go on holiday with his ex mil and dd. By the way this must be confusing for DD? Its almost like they are pretending to play happy families maybe for the childs sake. YOU are NOT being unreasonable. I think I would have flown of the handle at this one. If he wants a holiday with DD he should either make arrangements to spend a break with just him and dd or all together as a famliy unit. I can understand him wanting a relationship with his daughter but why with the ex and MIL? How is your relationship with MIL?

Hi,

I think your DH needs to turn this around. How would he feel if you went away with an ex on a weeks holiday? I'm guessing he wouldn't like it much either.

So there is a consenus here - you're happy to be involved in your DSD life, you want your DH to be involved in his daughter's life..Just have to find a suitable venue/time/location to make this happen.
Why not have suggest that you all stay nearby and you visit with DSD - days out and maybe she would stay overnight with you and your DH.
If you have a problem convincing your DH of this and he doesn't have empathy for yout situation then I would really recommend counselling. Your OH and MIL need to adjust to the new family set-up

Urrgh - if my other half pulled this crap with me he wouldnt be my other half anymore. How dare he try to force you into a holiday with her or him off on his own - I would go NUTS. Tell him to grow a pair or go. Honestly.

I can't believe how many people are saying you're in the wrong here! Let's look at the info:

He won't talk to you aout his DD's life in any way.

He now does his skype calls to her at work

He, ex DD and mum all played happy families on various outings while his WIFE got left on her tod. this made you(understandably) unhappy

He now blames you for the fact he doesn't see his DD, even though your upset was only last year

He now has a HOLIDAY booked with his ex, DD and Mum, which his WIFE is not invited to

He is (for some reason) angry with you.

now, I'm sure that stepmums don't have to be included in every part of Dad's contact UT you are still part of this family, and they are not treating you as such! It seems to me like your H is trying very hard to keep his two families separate. You need to find out why. Is it possible that he has never really got over his exand is therefore enjoying getting to play at being a happy family unit with her. THat would explain his desire to keep you away when they're together. He can't play happy families with her when his actual wife is there after all!

I wonder how many of the nay sayers on this thread would be happy with their husbands having secret phone calls and cosy holidays with their exes. Not many I would wager. If I were you op I would be asking how long I can stand this for - he clearly has no respect for you and my "dont trust him" instincts are on red alert.

Thanks for all these views - the reality check is really helpful.

Perhaps I am an insecure person, but if my DH's ex-wife were included in the holiday plans, whether I were excluded or not I'd be worried. Not just worried, angry. He should be seperating her from the relationship with his DD. Wendihouse is completely right, this whole thing is ridiculous. The ex-wife shouldn't even come into it!