Should I just step aside?

[ShirtyGerty]

First, DH's relationship with his daughter. When she was eight weeks old, her mother walked out on him taking the baby and went to live on the other side of the world. That was four years ago. Since then he has seen her twice. One visit there with an ex-girlfriend when she was a year old. Second visit was when ex wife and DSD visited the UK last summer for a month. They skype once a month, he always pays his child support on time and sends presents and cards for Christmas and birthdays.

We have now been together for two years, married for six months and our first child is due to be born at the end of February.

The visit here by ex wife and DSD last year was a tough time for me. I didn't handle it well and as I was not involved in it much and felt very excluded. DH spent most of the time with MIL, ex wife and DSD while I was left by myself. There were a lot of tears on my part. I felt like I was losing him.

Today, DH told me that the reason he doesn't see DSD more - with him visiting her and her and ex wife coming here - is me. Because it upsets me so much.

I am devastated. I really do not want to be the reason that he doesn't get to know his daughter. I would never be able to forgive myslef for coming between a parent and a child.

Its really difficult though as he will not even discuss her with me - even what she has been doing recently. He has moved his skype appointments to be during the working week and does them from the office. I am totally excluded. Today he said that this is because I get so upset by it and not as he had said before, that it was just more convenient.

I just don't know what to do so today I have offered to leave. I'll move out tomorrow. I would rather step aside that be the person who in thirty years both he and his daughter blame for them not knowing each other. I am at a total loss and very sad about the whole thing.

Would be grateful for any advice you have.

I ma sorry, but bollox are you the reason. He has seen the child twice in 4 years and that is YOUR fault?????????

Of course you shouldnt step aside- all that would achieve is TWO children not living with their dad, but you do need to call him on this and stop letting him overload his guilt onto you

Man up and accept responsibility for behaving badly during their last visit, apologise if you have been acting childishly around contact Skype calls and then behave like an adult for the future and let him make an effort and decide how he handles seeing his 1st child.

I have totally manned up and apologised for previous behaviour. Never been childish about Skype calls.

Part of the reson for suggesting that I go is that I don't want to be his excuse - the nasty step-mother who is blamed for all of this.

Do you actually WANT to go? Or just feel you should offer?

I am a step-parent, but have never been in this position. I couldn't leave you unanswered.

This sounds very worrying. IMHO You must let your DH have a relationship with his child. What do you mean when you say about the visit last year:

"I didn't handle it well and as I was not involved in it much and felt very excluded.?"

Why do you feel so threatened? What, exactly, are you afraid of?

You DH seems to feel afraid of your reactions to his relationship with his DD. Why would this be?

No - I don't want to go but I don't want to be the cause of/excuse for him not having a relationship with his child.

Skype doesn't make me uncomfortable. To be honest, he seemed to be the one that was uncofortable with doing it while I was around back when he still did it from home.

I think I got so upset because I was excluded. Him, his motnher, ex wife and daughter all went away together and I was just left at home. I also went to meet his ex wife and she slagged me off a bit - I was upset but only that the meeting didn't go better and that I wouldn't get a chance to improve things. I didn't take it personally. Can't be easy for her either.

The ongoing presence of the ex? Her displacing me when they visit? Looking back at what I had just typed.

How can I find a mediator?

But she's his ex and left him. You are about to have a baby - massive congratulations and good luck BTW.

When the baby is born, you might feel differently and more (with respect) secure?

Don't make his first DD less important ... He is obviously committed to her. And to you.

I could be wrong. But he may be trying his very best to keep everything on an even keel and not upset you, nothing you have said makes me think he is a bad man.

Don't leave.

But he's so angry with me. He says he finds it impossible to discuss with me and would rather act as if DSD doesn't exist when I'm around as its easier.

The ex wife and DSD are likely to visit in the summer. I've told him I'm worried about it as I will feel very excluded again. Him, ew wife, DSD and MIL will all stay together in a holiday cottage for a week or two. I'm sure I could go too if I wanted but I don't want to spend so much time with his ex wife.

Thank you SGMom

It has to be the holiday cottage that MIL owns. No others nearby.

it may sound horrible now, but I think you should be a part of the holiday plans next summer and go to the cottage. You are a part of your husbands life and separating the two families is not helping anyone. The (half) siblings should have the chance to be in one another's lives.
Perhaps the reality of spending time with the ex wife wouldn't be as bad as you imagine it to be?
In the here and now I agree with what other people have said, sit down and talk to your husband honestly. Do you feel insecure about his past? Maybe being honest will help.
I really think you can work something out, after all he's married to and having a baby with you. Perhaps he's trying not to upset you in your pregnant state? Good luck

Why were you not included in the holiday?

I understand why you might feel so insecure. Staying in ex's mum's holiday ottage with ex and their child. That's not acceptable. I wonder, would HE stay go on holiday with you, your mum and your ex and child (if you had one)? I doubt it.

He (and you) should see his daughter on neutral ground as a couple, as a family unit, so that you can welcome her into this new family unit.

The whole thing's either ridiculous or I've got completely the wrong end of the stick on the arrangements.

I would NOT go for this, No way!!

Things you say worry me:

"But he's so angry with me. He says he finds it impossible to discuss with me and would rather act as if DSD doesn't exist when I'm around as its easier."

Taking him at his word ... Why is this?

You are heavily pregnant and feeling insecure. He will love this baby as much as he loves his DD. Give this time. Calm down.

Its quite hard to tell exactly what has been going on here. Your dh presumably has quite a strained relationship with his child and his ex. That is not your fault, however you may be adding difficulties to the situation by not dealing with it very well and (possibly) being really insecure.
Do not leave. If this is the only issue, and I don't deny it is a big one, then surely you can work through it. You are having a baby with your dh due in February which will make you a family. This baby will be a half sister or brother to your dh's child and as such they have the right to a relationship. It is time you were involved but you need to be able to put the children first and where possible put your own feelings to one side unless you are being treated unfairly.