Help! 2 step children, 1 of my own and 1 on the way

[jemmamale]

I am currently 27 weeks pregnant. I have a delightful daughter from a previous relationship who is 4 and spends 60/40 with me and her Dad. My new partner has 2 children who have just moved to Portugal with their mother who are 11 and 9 years. They were born in England but following parent's divorce their mother (portuguese) upped sticks and moved home with them. I am due at the end of March 2011 and the two children have been booked on a flight in early April for 2 weeks to spend the school holidays with us. I feel quite stressed about this, 1 the baby will be around 1-2 wks old, 2 they are not well behaved children at times and require entertaining, my partner (their father) works all the hours god sends so will be working every day during the week they are here, 3 I have my own busy 4 year old to look after during this time. I was hoping they would come a little later after the birth however this is all finalised. I have tried to explain to my partner how anxious I feel with the thought of 3 children and a new baby to contend with for 2 weeks however I feel I am upsetting him by giving him the impression I dont want his children here when he misses them terribly. Its a dilema and a half and would appreciate other peoples views on this....................

Your dp needs to take some time off while they are here.

His dc will be very disappointed if he doesn't and so will you

I have explained that and he has assured me he will take some time off whilst they are here but the majority of the time they will be with me and hopefully their grandmother will assist me, all the same, I remember when I had my daughter the thought of a house full for 2 weeks following birth makes me want to cry, pack a bag and stay with my mum for a week or so (that sounds awful) and I worry I am being selfish and not looking at the bigger picture.....

you need him to quantify "some time off".

Is this the first time you have had them over? Shite timing from your POV and you neeed your DP to acknowledge that. Even if these were your kids too then you would need help from your DP when you had a newborn. If I had just had a baby and already had a preschooler and two school age kids I would expect DH to take paternity leave plus holiday to cover most of the school holidays. Nothing to do with being unwelcoming to step kids - just acknowledging that this is lot to take on when you've just come home with a new baby.

(Obviously the fact that you don't really know these kids and have all the step-parenting 'baggage' makes it even harder, but i think that the 'smart' strategy is to leave this bit out of any discussions with your DP.)

TBH in your situation I'd be fuming with your DP that you don't seem to have been involved in this decision. If he were planning on doing most of the childcare then they can come whenever he wants, but if he expects you to look after them then you have to be involved in the dicussion.

good luck

He needs to take the full 2 weeks off. There is no telling when he will get to see them in the UK again - he doesn't want to regret having been working while they are in the UK. He has to just bite the bullet and take those 2 weeks off.

Then at least he can take his DC out if they start to play up; or he can ask his mum to have them for a while so he can look after you.

I think it is a bit crazy - there is no telling how your birth situation will go, you might not be in any fit state physically to have them around without outside help.

Either he takes time off or he gets a lot of paid help in, I am talking full time nanny and daily help with the housework.
There is NO WAY I would have been in any fit state to look after 3 kids and newborn one week after giving birth. Also emotioanlly his kids might feel displaced by the new baby and you will have to deal with that as well.

Can't they come over in May half term instead? Gives you a breather and probabaly much more fun for them as well.

Thanks, I feel a little better knowing that Im perhaps not being so selfish, I got to know them quite well over the last 18 months, alternate weekend contact etc however during the school holidays in the summer I had them for 2 weeks whilst other half worked most days and tbh i was ready to kill them by 5pm some days, that or I was waiting for 5pm to come along so I could have a well deserved glass of wine. It is so difficult, partner is self employed and we just cant afford him to have 2 weeks off, plus I would like him to have some time off when the baby actually arrives before his two arrive.

I will have to draw up a schedule of who is doing what, on what day for the 2 weeks they are here. He may think im a bit rigid and mad but it will make me feel better knowing what days I will be caring for them alone and what days they can stay with the grandmother/their father will be at home.
Added nightmare is that ex-wife keeps hinting in phonecalls every now and again the children are struggling in Portugal for various reasons and might be better living with their father in school term and holidaying with their mother in the holidays - marvellous! I wont even start to panic about that just yet. Im only 25 building my career part time and I really dont fancy being a mum of 4 at this point in my life! Thanks x

I KNOW, im imagining the worst with the birth because you just never know what is going to happen, add two children who are bad mannered, naughty, fight between each other and with my daughter, plus a new baby crying I feel so worried about it all.

A plan of action is needed I think - there is no alternative, the bloody flights are booked already and their mother doesnt have much money as it is. Best part too is that my partner has to fly back to Portugal with them and return the next day as they are minors and cannot fly alone or with an air hostess on easyjet. I also get left out of the visit planning too at times, mainly due to my partner just forgetting to consult me first before a visa debit is used!

I think he thinks im the worlds largest worrier (i am in certain occasions and can admit that) however his "dont worry we'll manage" does not comfort me, I dont want to "manage" i want to enjoy the first few weeks of my baby's life with my partner not resent him for the stress, arrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh!!! Its all fun and games!

how are they getting to you?

what happens if your baby is late?

and btw I am not a natural worrier - I'm a 'sort things out as we go along' type, but this situation would have me worried.

and it is ok to say "I just can't do this. It is too much for you to expect of me."

Their mother is flying over with them and then flying straight back - the original plan was for her to stay the two weeks, catch up with friends and family etc and fly back with them but now she doesnt want to do this.
I have allowed for the baby to be late - if it arrives at its latest, (2 wks) then it will be 5 days old when they arrive.

I have kind of already said "I just can't do this. It is too much for you to expect of me." and his response is "it will be fine, we'll manage, im here (he wont be all the time) stop worrying, my mum (their grandmother) will help... she is 68 though and doesnt really need the hassle either!

Its things like having the day to myself when my toddler is at pre-school and I only have to get dressed for the midwife visit I worry about because now I will be worrying, "what are the other two doing, are they raiding the fridge again, are they eating on my sofas and messing the house up etc etc"

"You are not listening to me. I just can't do this. You need to take those two weeks off work. I don't understand why you can't take two weeks of work when your children and I need you. It really hurts that you don't seem to care that this is too much for me".

repeat until he listens.

Even without the new baby in the equation (and that is a huge thing in itself) I don't see why their dad would not take the whole time off when they are over, considering they are in another country for the rest of the time. thumbplumpuddingwitch is absolutely right. He is their dad; surely he wants to spend that time with them, not have them over but palm them off on you? It's not about you being selfish. He is their dad - this should be a priority for him and well worth using leave on. Plus he will hopefully get to spend time with his new DC as part of those 2 weeks so it's doubly worthwhile!

Does he not get much leave or is he in a high pressure job where taking leave is frowned upon (mind you, isn't that pretty much any job right now...)? Either way, he has to make family time a priority for this period.

It really annoys me, that so many fathers invite their children to visit, or to stay for the weekend, and then disappear off to work/football/golf etc etc. I call it ?access by proxy? and even if you weren?t about to deliver a baby, it would still be incredibly unfair.

Two things ? what if you have a c-section? Surely this would render you unable to do very much at all for the first few weeks, let alone look after two extra children??

Secondly ? what would your partner do if you weren?t there? Would he still invite his children over for a few weeks, and head off to work himself? He?s treating you as a childminder.

Perhaps this is a shot in the dark ?.. but in your position, I?d be tempted to go and stay at my mother?s for the first few days following the birth ??.. in which case he?d either have to postpone the children?s visit, or sort them out himself ???

I totally understand he wants to have contact with his children, but if he expects YOU to look after them, then it has to be at a time that works for you and your new baby.

This is one of the reasons why I wouldn?t contemplate a pregnancy ? if my due date fell on an access weekend, my husband would insist on sticking to the access schedule, regardless of anything happening on the labour ward. And if I was bringing a new baby back home for the first time, I just couldn?t cope with SS hanging round the house and tainting those precious first moments.

Totally agree with everything everyone else has said, and really feel for you. "We'll manage" is a very convenient euphemism for "you'll" manage and is utterly unfair when you have no idea what state you'll be in - physically (emergency CS maybe ?) or mentally come to that (baby blues etc). Though I obviously hope it won't come to that, if you have a rough birth you may find it very very difficult to look after the newborn, let alone your own young daughter, never mind 2 children with whom (it sounds, not surprisingly, given logistics) you have no natural authority.

He has absolutely GOT to take this time off. After all, they are, supposedly, supposed to be coming to see him I presume ? As Petal said, what would he do if you didn't exist ? ... he could hardly leave them shut in alone in the house all day .... he would HAVE to make alternative plans, and, with a newborn (and allowing for all birth related possibilities) you are - or should be - as good as not there anyway. Quite understandably, and from necessity, most of your energy will need to be devoted to the new baby - and to reassuring your daughter that she hasn't been usurped. That's enough of a challenge in itself. The stepchildren need to be reassured that they haven't been replaced in their dad's affections by the new baby - and there's only one person who can do that - HIM! - by spending concrete time with them. How does he think they're going to feel having come all that way when their dad disappears ? ..... chances are that any worries they have about how they fit in to the family would be played out in, errrr, "challenging" behaviour. That is so NOT fair on you.

If he won't agree to take time off ALL the time they're here, then if you can, I would take my 2 kids and decamp to your parents. I appreciate it's difficult if he's self employed etc but he has no right to impose this upon you without even including you in any sort of discussion about it. He's put you in a truly horrid position.

OP, have just reread your earlier posts and seen that he is self employed. That makes it less straightforward, but you have got till April to find a solution so don't let this go. If you think you can't afford to get someone in to cover, start looking at options - could you take a mortgage payment holiday, for example, to help out? I honestly think it is worthwhile as these are exceptional circumstances, with a new baby on the way, the very young DC you have together, and your two step-DC coming to stay - and their dad proposing to spend virtually no time with any of them. Don't let him fob you off with 'we'll manage' vagueness till it is too late to make arrangements.

Having said that these are exceptional circumstances, it's also evident from your posts about last summer that this will become routine - ie you as stepmum becoming the main carer for your step-DC whenever they visit - unless you address it now. I think it's bad for both you and the kids for that to continue.

I actually think, too, that if you push this time for something to be done due to it being 'exceptional circumstances', he can hardly disagree - but then it will also make it easier in the future to argue that he can, if he wants to and with enough notice, plan things to be able to spend time with his visiting DC.

Given the OP's partner is self-employed, making it not so easy to take time off work, the best solution may be to defer the step-children's visit. It seems the most sensible solution, as the OP will be recovering from giving birth, her partner can't take much time off work, so why not have the step-children visit at a time that suits EVERYONE? These are indeed exceptional circumstances.

Mind you, even if my husband and I both got run over by buses, in addition a nuclear holocaust and an earthquake, we'd STILL have to have access as scheduled.

I'm fully supportive of fathers spending time with their children, but there needs to be common sense applied.

PS - hypothetical question: what if the baby arrives late, and is actually born on the day that the stepchildren are due to arrive? The OP would be in hospital, so what would her partner do? And what if the OP has an emergency c-section, or any sort of medical complication (god forbid) and needs to stay in hospital for a few days, or even longer? What happens then?

Maybe the OP could be co-operative, and have her c-section on the kitchen table, so that she can prepare everyone's tea just as soon as she's stitched up again???????

I'm not trying to be flippant, but an overdue baby is always a possibility.

This won't do at all. It's a special (and as I remember, emotional) time. You need this visit like a hole in the head.....defer and do it now!! There'll be other holidays and you may find in the future, if things don't go so well with their visit, you may resent his two daughters for causing stress you can do without. And it wouldn't be their fault.

Tell your partner; inform his ex and the kids and then look to yourself. You deserve it.

Good luck to you and look after yourself.

If he wants his children there, he needs to look after them 24/7, if he can't do that because of work committments, then he can't have them.

This is not a good time to put this on you and I feel he is being incredibly unfair. I understand he wants to see his children, but they are his responsibility and you are really not in the equation with such a lot going on yourself. Don't let him make you feel guilty. Remember these are HIS children, HE wants them, HE should look after them!

Hi MJ PETAL and CATSMOTHER !!

Welcome to the world of being a Stepmother - dont worry very soon your needs and rights will be second only to the family budgie.

If you let that happen that is - put your foot down and nip this attitude in the bud and save yourself possible years of angst especially if they do come and live with you - then you really dont want to be setting a precedent of complete disregard for your comfort and needs.

Says me !!!!!!!! and look at the fine mess I'm in from not nipping things in the bud !!

Look at it the other way round. If he was recovering from a serious operation and looking after a newborn, would it be OK for you to expect him to look after your children while you go off to work?

I suspect there would be outcry about how selfish you would be by doing so.