Living Room/TV issues on access weekends

[Petal02]

This is one of my main bugbears, and has caused me major frustration over the last few days, as we had SS (age 16) from Thurs-Sun.

When I was a child, we watched kid?s programmes when we came in from school, and then at 6pm the news came on, and after that my parents pretty much decided what was on TV because they were the adults, I never saw myself as a deprived child, I had a TV in my bedroom which I could watch if I didn?t want to watch my parents programmes.

However when SS visits, he?s generally glued to the sofa, and surgically attached to the remote control. No one is physically stopping me from entering the lounge, but I?ve no desire to watch round-the-clock cartoons with an unwashed lump, so I tend to retreat upstairs. DH gets really cross when I retreat, it really winds him up, but it?s not HIM I?m retreating from. SS has a TV in his bedroom, but prefers ours at it?s a wider screen (I think boys like things like that) and DH argues that he doesn?t want SS to spend each access weekend in his bedroom, as they?d never get to see each other. I think DH?s ideal situation would be for me to sit with SS watching his choice of programmes eg, cartoons, super-hero dvds etc.

There have been many times when I?ve suggested that SS has control over the TV until I?ve cleared up after dinner, after which it should be ?grown-up? time. DH will agree to do this, but will never enforce the ?ruling? unless I apply pressure. He?s often said we shouldn?t need to have schedules in our own home ? well fine, I agree in theory, but without any schedules SS ends up taking over. When I?m a 50% stakeholder in our house, I resent having to sit upstairs like teenager watching TV in my bedroom.

I know that on access weekends, ?normal rules? go out of the window, and normal standards of behaviour/expectations are not enforced because Disney Dads over- indulge their children, at the expense of their new relationships.

AIBU?? Obviously I wouldn?t dare post these comments on that particular board, I?d be burnt at stake!

Stayfrosty - just out of interest, are you actually a step-parent? I think you'll find a lot of teenage boys would be "unwashed" unless made to shower by their parents, and the term "wet-lettuce" is hardly the worst thing you can say about a 16 yr old.

If you're a bio parent, you can guide your child in the right direction, but when you're a step-parent the only role available (as I've said before) is that of a doting by-stander. Whereas a bio parent can give their offspring a timely kick up the back side (my parents certainly did).

PS - just a further comment about being unwashed: my husband does his best to persuade SS to shower, but his requests generally fall on deaf ears, and obviously DH wouldn't wish to upset SS in any way, so doesn't labour the point too much. We frequently have situations, particuarly in hot weather, where rooms need to be ventilated if SS has spent any length of time in them. However if I were the bio parent, things would be VERY different.

If I didn't wash, I too would smell. It's not personal, it's just biology.

I actually think every teenager would just sit there watching tv given half a chance. I know my dbd would, but we're quite strict about when and what her, dbd2 and dbs watch. It is easier now dbd1 lives with us but we've always had the rule in place. Why don't you turn the tv off completely sometimes and do some other things as a family (or try to encourage your DH to do that with your ss?).

Have you enforced the adult tv after a certain time rule yourself? Do you think your DH would back you up if you did? Or maybe just a gentle reminder that there are several people in the room and maybe it would be better if you watched someting you can all enjoy type comment?

I spent quite quite a long time being reluctant to enforce things on my DBC's and was constantly asking DP if he would, in effect, pass messages to them from me. When it finally occured to me that actually we were a family (all be it only some of the time) and we needed to behave as such things got much much better for everyone.

You're right MJ. I hadn't really thought about before it but I suppose it does all come down to how your DP/H reacts to you enforcing rules on his children. From almost the very beginning DP was keen thet I should be a co-parent, and he made that clear to his DC's. It's the only way it can work imo.

stayfrosty if you aren't a step parent you have no idea of the challenges involved.

At no point can you just step in and play mum because they (dsc) will remind you that you are not mum. The best you can hope for is good friend/ aunt type relationship.

Add to this mix a dh who is very scared that if he puts a foot out with his dc that they will not come and stay and the power balance very much shifts in the direction of the dsc.

At no point does anyone (biological or step parent) think this is a good idea but usually the dad is too scared of losing contact to actually put their foot down.

If you want to know what its like just hand over all power to your dc for a month,make sure you say nothing about anything that they do and make sure dh just mumbles minor disapproval. If you aren't tearing your hair out by then come and talk to us.

But you cannot physically force a strapping or even average size 16 yr old male to shower. At that age surely personal hygiene should be the responsibility/choice of the person. If they choose at that age or older not to then they have to accept the consequences - one of which is that people are not going to find you pleasant to be around and some may even say so ! If I worked for example with a 16 year old who stank of B.O. - I would think it was either that they didnt realise - or if they did they didnt care enough about themselves or the people around them to wash. At that age I certainly wouldnt blame the parents or step-parents - it wouldnt cross my mind.

Unless of course SNs etc

Nellie - you are spot on. I don't think my husband is happy with his son's apathy/hygiene/tv addict habits, but as you say - he's too scared of losing contact with him, to put his foot down. So indeed it's all power to SS. I should add that DH put his foot down with his daughter over boyfriends, a big argument followed, and he hasn't seen her for four years.

So you can see how his mind works - he only put is foot down on one occasion post-divorce, and it cost him his daughter. Which explains why he's terrified to impose the tiniest thing with his son.

I should add that DH was completely in the right over his issues with his daugther - sadly the ex wife really fanned the flames, and something which would probably have died down in a fortnight and turned into an huge issue.

However, even though I can totally understand DH's reluctance to rock the boat with his son, we're now at a stage where the pandering is doing the son more harm than good, not to mention how hard it is to live with.

MJ - yes she takes after her dad - very aggressive - but in a much more controlled way I hasten to add - so she is just very very assertive and no nonsense.

Heres another legend of Sudas DD tale - she should maybe run classes for nervous stepmums.

She was at our house and again we were chatting in lounge - HWSBM hadnt spoke to me all week as his dad was working away so he'd no-one to impress basically !! DD knew this and that he only ever spoke to me to fire a question at me - if he wanted something iows.

Next thing he surfaces from his swamp and puts his head round lounge door and said 'Wheres my football sweatshirt ?' interrupting us in the process and without so much as a 'Hello' .

My DD had her back to door and I was facing it and him - so she just widened her eyes at me as if to say ignore him and carried on talking in a louder more deliberate voice.

HWSBM - louder this time to drown out my DD - Suda - wheres my fooball top ?.

DD carries on talking and said to me very quietly - 'ignore him' (presumably till he said 'excuse me' or some other basic nicety !)

HWSBM is well pissed off now and yet still cant remember any of the polite terms used to interrupt or speak to someone.

So very angrily this time he says - 'Are you gonna tell me where my top is or not ?!'

My DD gave a big sigh this time - sort you would if a 2yr old was constantly interrupting you - stood up off the settee with all her 5ft 6ins to his 6ft plus - walked straight past him to the phone on the kitchen wall by the door - picks the receiver up and holds it out towards him.

HWSBM glares down at her as if she's poo on his shoe and says stroppily - 'What you givin me the phone for ?'

DD - 'So you can phone your mother'

HWSBM - looking at her like she had escaped - 'Why do you think I wanna phone my mother ?'

DD - up very close to him now - SO YOU CAN SPEAK TO YOUR OWN MOTHER LIKE THAT - COS YOU'RE NOT SPEAKING TO MINE LIKE IT ANYMORE - OK.

face like a slapped arse once again and into his room.

disclaimer - my exh was very aggressive btw - not my DD - just like him for speaking out etc but in a very assertive way.

Aw, bless you Stayfrosty. It seems you get our points though, that there needs to be something that keeps the adults 'in charge' and the kids, well, as kids. You're right, that resentment does build when you can't express your thoughts, in the way you would in a 'normal' household. Imagine if you were bathing your children, and weren't allowed to say 'stop it', 'don't do that' etc - and that's exactly where you are as a step parent.

I've often wondered if SS was depressed - but, as you say, DH would rather stick pins in his eyes than have any difficult conversations, so the situation is perpetuated by DH's fear of rocking the boat. Someone commented in a previous post, that it's not the child's behaviour that's the issue, but the father's insistence on reinforcing that behaviour. And that is so true.

Its fecking CONTACT not access ffs.

I give a lying fuck because I am currently limited to 'contact' with my own children. Sorry if thinking of it as 'access' enrages me.

VLADABADABOOM

IDontLikeDisciples, for that comment, you have been BoMBadiered.

Get a grip and don't shout. Makes you look silly and you will be BoM'd.

You could always start your own thread instead of derailing someone elses.

Boom.